Waiting... (I) (2005)
Rob Benedict: Calvin
Photos
Quotes
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Calvin : Come on guys, this is bull crap. Where the hell's my chicken sandwich?
Floyd : [Picks up chicken with tongs, drops in on the prep board. Points tongs over counter at Calvin] Fuck you, bitch!
Calvin : What the hell did I do to you, Floyd?
Floyd : [Using chicken and tongs as microphone, sings] Eat at Shenaniganz, Enjoy your food. Eat at Shenaniganz, Calvin works here!
Calvin : Oh, that's hardly sanitary.
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Naomi : You really want to know why?
Monty : Yes I really do.
Naomi : Ok Ill tell you why. Its because of THIS!
[jumps on the barstool and lifts her skirt]
Calvin , Mitch , Monty : OH! MY GOD!
Naomi : Yea! Bang! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Monty : Its so angry!
Naomi : [screeches and hisses like cat]
Calvin : Oh GOD does that thing have its shots? Put it away! Just put iy away!
Naomi : Dinner is served!
Calvin : Well its official, my penis is now just for show.
Monty : Mitch you picked a FUCKED up night to start working here.
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Calvin : Well its official, my penis is now just for show.
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Dean : Calvin, what happens with every girl you're interested in?
Monty : Nothing!
Dean : You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!
Monty : And then you go home, alone, to masturbate while you cry, using your own tears as lube...
[cut off]
Calvin : Ok, that was once, and I was drunk, and *it was Valentine's Day*. So back off.
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Calvin : Quit starin' at my dick!
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Calvin : I never make... how do you make a hundred dollars every night?
Monty : You wanna know?
Calvin : Yeah.
Monty : You really wanna know how I make a hundred dollars every night?
Calvin : Yes.
Monty : It's all about that right there!
[he points; everyone turns around and is confronted by Raddimus' testicles]
Monty : Yes!
Raddimus : Yes!
[everyone groans]
Monty : Monty with the assist!
Raddimus : I can't believe how many homos we got working in here!
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Calvin : [to Bishop] Okay... About three months ago I, uh, just finished my shift, and I really had to take a piss. So, uh, I go into the bathroom. And, uh, I'm at the urinal just waiting for the flow, minding my own business. When, ah, I notice out of my peripheral vision the guy standing next to me was looking straight at my dick. And he's just staring at it like they're old pals. I could practically hear what he was thinking. 'Whoa. That's a nice dick.' And that's it. Yeah, since that time, I haven't been able to use a public bathroom.
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Natasha : Dean.
Dean : What?
Natasha : The old lady at Table 37 wants you to sing the birthday song for her grandson. His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.
Dean : [tosses a cake with Happy Birthday onto the counter from the box] I need birthday singers!
Monty : Come on, people! We need birthday singers!
Naomi : Fuck.
Dean : [the gang walk toward Table 37, clapping and cheering. Dean holds out the cake and brings it to the table, spotting Timmy] There he is. There's the big winner.
[sets the cake onto the table where Timmy is]
Monty : [excitedly] Yeah!
Dean : All right. Attention, guests! Today's a very special occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday! Big round of applause.
[the guests cheer and applaud]
Dean : He's earned it. He's got his whole life ahead of him. The sky's the limit.
Dean : [singing] I don't know but I've been told.
Monty , Amy , Naomi , Serena , Calvin : [singing] Someone here is getting old!
Dean : [singing, Timmy looks frightened] Good news is dessert is free.
Monty , Amy , Naomi , Serena , Calvin : [singing] Bad news is we sing off-key!
Dean : [singing] Happy birthday...
Dean , Monty , Amy , Naomi , Serena , Calvin : [point to Timmy, in unison] TO YOU!
[Timmy starts crying in embarrassment, the waiters applaud and cheer. One of them holds up Timmy's arm and waves it in the air]
Natasha : Look at the camera!
[holding a camera]
Dean : Picture time.
[the camera snaps and we're revealed the photograph of all the waiters and Timmy posed for the picture, Timmy still cries in the background as this happens]
Dean : All right. All right. Cry it off.
