Waiting... (I) (2005)

Ryan Reynolds: Monty

Photos 

Quotes 

• Monty's Mom : So I called your house today, at two. You were still asleep, weren't you?

  Monty : That's an understatement.

  Monty's Mom : So what did you do last night? I trust my little angel didn't do anything immoral.

  Monty : Well, ummm... Let's see. I started by getting completely hammered drunk. It was bad. Then drove, while intoxicated, to pick up this disease-infested hooker.

  Monty's Mom : Uh huh...

  Monty : From there... uh, let's see. Me and the hooker went back to my place...

  Monty's Mom : The hooker and I.

  Monty : Excuse me. The hooker and I went back to my place and from there... God, it was just a blur of intravenous drug abuse and unprotected sex, while taking the Lord's name in vain.

  Monty's Mom : Dean, did you know that when Monty was a child everyone thought he was retarded?

  Monty : Dean, doesn't my mom look old? I mean, much older than she rightfully should?

  Monty's Mom : So why aren't you and Serena still together? I liked her.

  Monty : I don't know. I guess it got old. We had a relationship based on orgasms.

  Monty's Mom : Oh, how charming. You are being safe aren't you? I don't think I could handle the idea of you reproducing.

  Monty : Come on, mom! Of course I'm being safe. I pull out.

  Monty's Mom : Yes, well your father pulled out too but we've all seen the tragic end of that story.

  Monty : You think I wanna have kids? Absolutely not! That's why I stick to anal sex.

  Monty's Mom : If only I had been so lucky.

• Monty : [using a Forrest Gump voice]  Momma said they's my magic shoes. Mama said they would take me anywhere. 'Course Mama used to beat me with a rubber hose and call me a retard.

• Mitch : [after being interrupted yet again, Mitch has had enough]  Hey turn down the music for minute... Hey would you turn down the music?

  Kid at Stereo : Dude, chill.

  Mitch : Would you turn down the fucking music for a minute! Jesus!

  [Mitch turns the power off on the stereo and turns to everyone] 

  Mitch : This is fucking bullshit! I have been here all goddamned day and you haven't let me say one thing! None of you!

  Monty : Well, damn, Mitch, I...

  Mitch : Oh, no, asshole! You shut the fuck up now. It's my turn to talk! You're all fucked in the head! All of you! I mean you.

  [points at Naomi] 

  Mitch : Change your fuckin' tampon and have another drink you crazy, fuckin' bitch!

  [Points at Dean] 

  Mitch : And you! "Waaahh, I don't know what to be when I grow up!" Join the fucking army or something! Goddamn.

  [Points at Calvin] 

  Mitch : Oh, and you! You know what? You're too easy. And you.

  [Points to Monty] 

  Mitch : FUCK YOU MONTY! Always gotta be right, with your little quips! We get it, man. You're fuckin' edgy and cool. Yeah! You're the coolest fuckin' guy at Shenaniganz! WHOOO! That's like being the smartest kid with Down syndrome! Oh and, oh, yeah. Why aren't you in jail? I mean what

  [looks at Natasha] 

  Mitch : are you like 13, 14?

  Monty : She's almost 18.

  Mitch : You know what? Fuck this! You all suck. I quit.

  [Goes to leave and gets to the door and turns around] 

  Mitch : Oh, and yeah. There is one more thing.

  [Points at Floyd] 

  Mitch : You... You are the biggest piece of shit in this entire restaurant.

  [Floyd looks around to see if Mitch is actually talking to him] 

  Mitch : And I hope you burn in hell.

  Floyd : Me? What the fuck did I do to you, man? Seriously?

  Raddimus : [Mitch pulls down his pants and everyone says "Oh shit!]  The goat! The goat, you bastard!

  Mitch : [Mitch pulls up his pants and opens the door and walks out]  Fuckin' faggots.

  Monty : That was the shit!

  [he runs out after Mitch] 

  Monty : Mitch! Mitch! Stop please. Look, look. Stop, stop. Okay I am sorry, and I hearby swear my undying allegiance to you. You are the fucking man.

• Monty : You know, we should probably feel guilty, but she broke the cardinal rule: Don't fuck with people that handle your food.

• Monty : With women, there are really only two options. Either she doesn't sleep with you and there's really no reason to ever call her again. Or she does sleep with you... and there's really no reason to ever call her again.

• Monty : [Standing in bathroom stall with his bare torso exposed]  I know what you're thinking now. You think we're all gay, don't you? Think we're all just a bunch of deviant lifestyle-living same-sex having motherfuckers, am I right?

  Mitch : Yeah.

  Monty : Well, listen. You can put that faggoty baby to bed right now. None of the guys that work here are gay.

  [gets dressed] 

  Monty : I mean, I'll stick my finger up my ass every now and again when I'm feeling squirrely, but that's about the extent of it.

• Monty : Hey there, Natasha, how's my favorite minor doing today?

  Natasha : Hung over, I got so shit faced last night.

  Monty : On a school night? Kids today.

• Monty : Take whatever advice that she gives you with a big grain of salt.

  Serena : Yeah and take anything that he gives you with a shot of penicillin.

• Monty : [on going to the party]  Okay, baby doll, you're definitely coming, right?

  Natasha : If you do everything right, I will.

  Monty : Oh god, Natasha, you're gonna have to stop that. You're making it hard... I mean difficult.

• Monty : Well, Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day.

• Dean : She really is a little bad-ass though, and fun to hang out with. Laid back. Maintenance fees are really low. I like that.

  Monty : Yeah, she's a cool chick, I'd do her. Hell, I'd probably even pay.

  [chuckles in disbelief then pauses] 

  Monty : I would.

• Monty : Okay, so how would you like your steak prepared?

  Female Customer : Oh, let's see... Medium... medium-rare... Well, I want a hot, pink center.

  [Beat] 

  Monty : Don't we all?

• Monty : You see I don't, I don't work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the god damn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean come on. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that is considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever and furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality. So in sense, by having sex with Natasha, I'd be preserving the rights our four fathers fought and died for, right.

• Dean : What the hell can you do with an A. A. degree anyway?

  Monty : You can get a job substituting retarded kids or something.

• Monty : Did you see the tits at table 12?

• Monty : Women troubles Amy?

  Amy : I just don't understand what would compel a person to be such a bitch to a total stranger!

  Monty : Maybe she was abused when she was a child.

  Amy : Oh God, I fucking hope so.

• Monty : I must say there's nothing more attractive than tainted youth. Yes, I am indeed a pervert. Does that offend you?

  Natasha : Nope, I think most tainted youths end up being perverts.

  Monty : Good fucking answer!

  Natasha : Oh and Monty, just so you know, I'm only a minor for another week. I turn eighteen on Wednesday.

  Monty : Well, then I guess I better hurry up then. I don't have much time.

• Monty : There are few things in this world more unsettling than going in the back to grab some condiments and end up staring at a huge, steaming pile of cock.

  [shudders] 

• Monty : So are you going to talk to her or are you just gonna hope you're never forced to make an actual decision?

  Dean : I'm going with option B.

  Monty : That's my boy.

• Monty : So far I've made 15% of jack shit.

• Monty : Okay, Mitch, you see what Dean just did there? Don't ever do that.

• Serena : [to Monty]  The only real pleasure I ever got from having sex with you came from making fun of it later with my friends. Tell him, Amy.

  Amy : It's true, we laughed a lot at your expense.

  Serena : So you know how when your walking past a group of people, you hear them laughing, you sometimes get that paranoid self-conscious feeling? Maybe they're laughing about you when they're really not? Well, in your case, they really are.

  [blows kiss and walks away; long pause] 

  Monty : God, I love her.

• Monty : We have our first official beyotch of the day!

• Monty : So, what do you think of Natasha?

  Dean : I think she's illegal.

  Monty : Yeah, I've made peace with that. Seriously, look at her. You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

  Dean : [imitating Scooby-Doo]  Ratutory rape.

• Dean : [meeting new trainee Mitch]  Listen, man. You got nothing to worry about.

  [pats Mitch on shoulder] 

  Dean : It's just a game.

  Monty : Exactly.

  Dean : And besides, you know, if heterosexual men can't show their cocks to each other, then what the hell are we doing here?

  Monty : Amen, brother.

  Dean : [tweaking Mitch's nipple]  You're adorable.

• Monty : Mitch, you picked a fucked up night to start working here.

• Naomi : You really want to know why?

  Monty : Yes I really do.

  Naomi : Ok Ill tell you why. Its because of THIS!

  [jumps on the barstool and lifts her skirt] 

  Calvin , Mitch , Monty : OH! MY GOD!

  Naomi : Yea! Bang! Pow! Pow! Pow!

  Monty : Its so angry!

  Naomi : [screeches and hisses like cat] 

  Calvin : Oh GOD does that thing have its shots? Put it away! Just put iy away!

  Naomi : Dinner is served!

  Calvin : Well its official, my penis is now just for show.

  Monty : Mitch you picked a FUCKED up night to start working here.

• Monty : Awwww c'mon now dogg, you know I'm just fucking with you. You know I give you the mad phat superfly stupid dope dumbass retarded bomb shit props.

• Monty : That's right, birds of a feather flock to-vagina.

• Monty : With women, it's always one of two things. Either they won't sleep with you, and then there's really no need to ever call them again. Or they DO sleep with you... and then there's really no need to ever call them again.

• Monty : Ahh, you know Tyla, everytime I look at you I wish I was a lesbian.

  Tyla : Oh what a coincidence. Everytime I look at you I'm glad I'm a lesbian.

• Monty : Everyone knows that I'm orally fixated and you can't deny that I played your vagina like a violin!

  Serena : As if that somehow negates the fact that once we moved past foreplay you turned into the little engine that couldn't hold it's load?

• Monty : [to new trainee Mitch]  But, um, if you wanna work here,

  [looks around] 

  Monty : in this restaurant,

  [continues looking] 

  Monty : I really think that you need to asky yourself one simple question.

  [pauses] 

  Monty : How do you feel about frontal male nudity?

• Dean : Calvin, what happens with every girl you're interested in?

  Monty : Nothing!

  Dean : You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!

  Monty : And then you go home, alone, to masturbate while you cry, using your own tears as lube...

  [cut off] 

  Calvin : Ok, that was once, and I was drunk, and *it was Valentine's Day*. So back off.

• Monty : Women. They're so fucking wiley!

• Calvin : You guys suck.

  Monty : Yes... we do.

• Monty : That's Naomi. And she's been working here WAY too long. But she's actually a pretty sweet girl... when she's drunk.

• Calvin : I never make... how do you make a hundred dollars every night?

  Monty : You wanna know?

  Calvin : Yeah.

  Monty : You really wanna know how I make a hundred dollars every night?

  Calvin : Yes.

  Monty : It's all about that right there!

  [he points; everyone turns around and is confronted by Raddimus' testicles] 

  Monty : Yes!

  Raddimus : Yes!

  [everyone groans] 

  Monty : Monty with the assist!

  Raddimus : I can't believe how many homos we got working in here!

• Monty : Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I been inside you?

• [on Nick and T-Dog] 

  Monty : Those guys should be sterilized. And I'm not kidding at all.

• Dean : How many times can we have the exact same conversation?

  Monty : It's like we're stuck in a fucking time paradox where neither our wisdom nor your virginity will ever escape.

• Calvin : You really are an asshole

  Monty : Shenaniganz

• Natasha : Dean.

  Dean : What?

  Natasha : The old lady at Table 37 wants you to sing the birthday song for her grandson. His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.

  Dean : [tosses a cake with Happy Birthday onto the counter from the box]  I need birthday singers!

  Monty : Come on, people! We need birthday singers!

  Naomi : Fuck.

  Dean : [the gang walk toward Table 37, clapping and cheering. Dean holds out the cake and brings it to the table, spotting Timmy]  There he is. There's the big winner.

  [sets the cake onto the table where Timmy is] 

  Monty : [excitedly]  Yeah!

  Dean : All right. Attention, guests! Today's a very special occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday! Big round of applause.

  [the guests cheer and applaud] 

  Dean : He's earned it. He's got his whole life ahead of him. The sky's the limit.

  Dean : [singing]  I don't know but I've been told.

  Monty , Amy , Naomi , Serena , Calvin : [singing]  Someone here is getting old!

  Dean : [singing, Timmy looks frightened]  Good news is dessert is free.

  Monty , Amy , Naomi , Serena , Calvin : [singing]  Bad news is we sing off-key!

  Dean : [singing]  Happy birthday...

  Dean , Monty , Amy , Naomi , Serena , Calvin : [point to Timmy, in unison]  TO YOU!

  [Timmy starts crying in embarrassment, the waiters applaud and cheer. One of them holds up Timmy's arm and waves it in the air] 

  Natasha : Look at the camera!

  [holding a camera] 

  Dean : Picture time.

  [the camera snaps and we're revealed the photograph of all the waiters and Timmy posed for the picture, Timmy still cries in the background as this happens] 

  Dean : All right. All right. Cry it off.