The Very Best of 'Have I Got News for You' (2002 Video)
Paul Merton: Self, Team Captain
Quotes
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Paul Merton : [caption competition: photo of JFK riding in his limo on the day of his assassination] Is he saying "Do you know, I think my headache's gone"?
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The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.
[audience laughs]
Paul Merton : But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.
The Earl of Onslow : You ask Peter Tatchell.
Ian Hislop : I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?
The Earl of Onslow , Paul Merton : How do you know?
Glenda Jackson : I was just about to ask that myself!
Paul Merton : Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."
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Angus Deayton : [reading out headline during missing words round] "I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel".
Paul Merton : Swallow?
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[caption competition - a photo of a frowning Angus wearing a motorcycle helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a suit and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background]
Paul Merton : General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.
Ian Hislop : New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.
Tom Baker : How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr. Death?
[this draws the biggest laugh from the audience]
Ian Hislop : Angus takes his stabilisers off.
Paul Merton : Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr. Deayton
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Paula Yates : Ian, please stop being unkind. Don't be unkind.
Ian Hislop : [to the audience] Shall I stop being unkind?
[the audience replies "No!"]
Paul Merton : Well, there's only one way to sort this out, if you want Ian to stop being unkind, phone 09876...
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Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?
Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.
Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.
Angus Deayton : [to the camera] It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.
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Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?
Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.
Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...
Paul Merton : I-T?
Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.
Sheila Hancock : [groans] Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... that is pathetic!
Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!
Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!
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Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?
Paul Merton : No.
Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.
Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.
Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.
Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.
[sticks his fingers in his ears]
Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.
Angus Deayton : Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...
Paul Merton : [interrupting] Da-da-da-da-da-da!
Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...
Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!
Angus Deayton : ...returned...
Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!
Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old
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Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?
Swampy : Is he?
Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.
Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?
[laughter]
Ian Hislop : He won't resign.
Angus Deayton : Who won't?
Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.
Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.
Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"
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Roy Hattersley : [referring to when they used a tub of lard in place of him] It was a terrible disappointment to me, 'cos I thought there was going to be a great barrel with stains...
Paul Merton : Well, you're here now, anyway.
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[the winning entry of a German art contest is shown - a strange picture of some women and a child in a zoo standing behind some rocks with a tiger lying on the other side, it could easily jump over them. Only the child's head is visible above the rocks]
Paul Merton : [indignantly] God, what sort of zoo is this? They've put the rhino behind the cage and they've stuck the kids right next to the tiger! It's eaten that child's body!
Angus Deayton : It's only the rhino that's in the enclosure, you see. The tiger is one of us. Very deep.
Paul Merton : Well, I think that's a policy which frankly needs reviewing.