Jim Carrey: Joel Barish
Photos
Quotes
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Clementine : This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel : I know.
Clementine : What do we do?
Joel : Enjoy it.
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Joel : [narration as Clementine acknowledges him by raising her coffee mug] Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?
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Clementine : Joely?
Joel : Yeah Tangerine?
Clementine : Am I ugly?
Joel : Uh-uh.
Clementine : When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.
Joel : [kisses Clementine] You're pretty.
Clementine : Joely, don't ever leave me.
Joel : You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty...
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Joel : [in the house on the beach] I have to go. I have to catch my ride.
Clementine : So go!
Joel : I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine : I wish you had stayed.
Joel : I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine : Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel : I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine : Why?
Joel : I don't know. I felt like a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine : You were scared?
Joel : Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation, I think.
Clementine : Was it something I said?
Joel : Yeah... you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine : Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel : It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine : Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel : I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine : Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back. Clementine walks down the stairs towards him]
Clementine : Bye Joel.
Joel : I love you.
Clementine : Meet me... in Montauk...
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Joel : I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.
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[last lines]
Joel : I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine : But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel : Okay.
Clementine : [pauses] Okay.
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Joel : What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out that she's a stranger.
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Joel : Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks.
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[first lines]
Joel : [voice over] random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.
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Joel : I had a really nice time last night.
Clementine : Nice?
Joel : I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life, last night!
Clementine : Thaaaat's better!
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Joel : Hi.
Clementine : Hi. Didn't figure you'd show your face around me again. I guess I thought you were... humiliated. You did run away, after all.
Joel : I just needed to see you.
Clementine : Yeah?
Joel : I'd like to, um... take you out, or something.
Clementine : You're married.
Joel : Not yet, not married. No, I'm not married.
Clementine : Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat, I'm high-maintainance, so... I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage, or whatever it is you've got goin' there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
Joel : Okay.
Clementine : Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel : I remember that speech really well.
Clementine : I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel : You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine : Hmm. Probably.
Joel : I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine : Ohhh... I know.
Joel : It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine : Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.
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Clementine : I'm Clementine. Can I... borrow a piece of your chicken?
Joel : And then you just took it... without waiting for an answer. It was so intimate; like we were already lovers.
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Clementine : I wish you'd stayed.
Joel : I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do.
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Joel Barish : I can't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine : But you will, you will think of things and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel Barish : Okay.
Clementine : Okay.
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[Joel calls Clem on the telephone]
Clementine : What took you so long?
Joel : I just walked in.
Clementine : Do you miss me?
Joel : Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine : You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel : I guess so!
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Joel : I can't remember anything without you.
Clementine : Aw, that's... very sweet, but try.
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Joel : Mierzwiak! Please let me keep this memory, just this one.
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Clementine : You don't tell me things, Joel. I'm an open book. I tell you everything... every damn embarrassing thing. You don't trust me.
Joel : Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.
Clementine : I don't do that. I want to know you.
[angry]
Clementine : I don't constantly talk! Jesus! People have to share things, Joel...
Joel : Mmmhhmmm...
Clementine : That's what intimacy is. I'm really pissed that you said that to me!
Joel : I'm sorry... I just, my life isn't that interesting.
Clementine : I want to read some of those journals you're constantly scribbling in. What do you write in there if you don't have any thoughts or passions or... love?
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[as Joel and Clementine eat out, he thinks about the other glum-looking couples in the restaurant]
Joel : Are we like those bored couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? I can't stand the idea of us being a couple people think that about.
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Clementine : Face it, Joely, you're freaked out because I was out late without you - and in your little wormy brain you're trying to figure out: did she fuck someone tonight?
Joel : No, see Clem. I assume you fucked someone tonight. Isn't that how you get people to like you?
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Joel : If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know.
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Joel : [on tape recording] And the whole thing with the hair - it's all bullshit.
Joel : I really like your hair.
Clementine : Thank you.
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Clementine : You know me, I'm impulsive.
Joel : That's what I love about you.
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Joel : Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!
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Clementine : [after discussing the names for all the different hair colors there must be] I apply my personality into paste.
Joel : Oh, I doubt that very much.
Clementine : Well, you don't know me so... you don't know, do you?
Joel : Sorry, I was... just trying to be nice.
Clementine : Yeah... I got it...
[She hides behind the seat for a minute]
Clementine : ... I'm Clementine, by the way.
Joel : I'm Joel.
Clementine : Hi, Joel.
[they shake hands]
Clementine : No jokes about my name... Nooo, you wouldn't do that. You were trying to be nice.
Joel : I don't know any jokes about your name.
Clementine : Huckleberry Hound.
Joel : I don't know what that means.
Clementine : Huckleberry Hound? What are you, NUTS?
Joel : It's been suggested.
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Clementine : You're not a stalker, or anything, right?
Joel : I'm not a stalker. YOU'RE the one that talked to me, remember?
Clementine : That is the oldest trick in the stalker book.
Joel : Really? There's a stalker book? Great, I gotta read that one.
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Joel : Wait!
Clementine : ...What?... What do you *want* Joel?
Joel : I don't know! I want you wait for just a... a while.
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Joel : Can you hear me? I don't want this any more! I want to call it off!
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Clementine : Let me show you something... come on...
Joel : I think I heard a crack.
Clementine : It's not gonna crack, or break, or... it's so thick!... Show me which constellations you know.
Joel : Um... oh... I don't... know any.
Clementine : Show me which ones you know!
Joel : Okay... okay... oh! There's Osidius.
Clementine : Where?
Joel : Right there... see? Sort of a swoop and a cross, Osidius the Emphatic.
Clementine : You're full of shit, right?
Joel : Nope. Osidius, right there, swoop and cross.
Clementine : Shut the fuck up!
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Clementine : [Clementine has dyed her hair orange] You like? To match my sweatshirt, exactly.
Joel : Ahaaahhhhh! Ohhhhhh! I like it!
Clementine : You do?
Joel : You look like a tangerine!
Clementine : Hmmm, Clemen-teen the tangerine.
Joel : Juicy 'n seedless.
Clementine : I like that.
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[4-year-old Joel watches his mother leave the room]
4-Year-Old Joel : I really want her to pick me up. It's amazing how strong that desire is.
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Joel : I think your name is magical.
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Joel : It's goddamn freezing on this beach. Montauk in February, brilliant, Joel.
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Clementine : Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel : I remember that speech really well.
Clementine : I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel : You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine : Hmm. Probably.
Joel : I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine : Ohhh... I know.
Joel : It would be different, if we could just give it another go-round.
Clementine : Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.
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Joel : By morning, you'll be gone.
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Joel : I love being bathed in the sink - such a feeling of security.
Clementine : I've never seen you happier, baby Joel.
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Joel : My God, there's people coming out of your butt.
Clementine : There is?
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Clementine : Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat I'm high maintenance. So I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage or whatever it is ya got goin' on there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me.
Joel : Okay.
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Joel : He's seducing my girlfriend with MY words and MY things! He stole her underwear! Jesus Christ, he stole her underwear.
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Joel Barish : Pages ripped out. Don't remember doing that. It appears this is my first entry in two years.
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Clementine : You married?
Joel : No.
Clementine : Let's move into this neighborhood!
Joel : I do sorta live with someone though.
Clementine : Male or female?
Joel : What? Female... female...
Clementine : At least I'm not barking up the wrong tree!
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[Clementine comes in drunk and collapses on the couch. Joel has been sitting up and reading; his voice is angry]
Joel : It's 3 o'clock.
Clementine : I kinda sorta wrecked your car.
Joel : You were driving drunk. It's pathetic.
Clementine : I was a little tipsy. Don't call me pathetic.
Joel : Well, it *is* pathetic. And it's fucking irresponsible. You could've killed somebody. I don't know, maybe you did kill somebody. Should we turn on the news and see? Should I check the grille to see if there's children or small animals?
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Clementine : I'm gonna marry you... I know it!
Joel : Ummm... okay...
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[Patrick knocks on Joel's car window while parked in front of Clem's apartment]
Joel : Yes?
Patrick : Can I help you?
Joel : What do you mean?
Patrick : Can I help you with something?
Joel : No.
Patrick : What are you doing here?
Joel : I'm not really sure what you're asking.
Patrick : Oh, thanks...
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[Clementine and Joel have broken into an empty house on the Montauk beach]
Joel : I think we should go.
Clementine : No, it's our house! Just for tonight...
[she looks at an envelope on the counter]
Clementine : ...we are David and Ruth Laskin. Which one do you want to be? I prefer to be Ruth, but I'm flexible.
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[Clementine is leading Joel out onto the frozen Charles River]
Joel : I don't know. What if it breaks?
Clementine : What if? Do you really care right now?
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Joel : I'm so ashamed.
Clementine : It's okay, you're a little kid.
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Clementine : What are you, NUTS?
Joel : It's been suggested.
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Clementine : Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really.
Joel : That's okay, I really didn't think you were.
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[Clementine is trying to comfort baby Joel by showing him her crotch]
Clementine : My crotch is still here, just as you remembered it.
Joel : Yuck!
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Joel : Don't call me Antoine. My name is Wally.
Clementine : Yes, I know, but how can a woman love a man with a name like Wally?
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Joel : I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine : But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.
Joel : Okay.
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Joel : This is working like gangbusters.
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Joel : You know, my life isn't that interesting. I go to work, I come home. Don't know what to say. You should read my journal. I mean, it's just - blank.
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Joel : "Miss Kruczynski was not happy and wanted to move on. We provide that possibility." What the hell is that? Nicest guy she ever went out with.
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Joel : You seem nice, so...
Clementine : Oh, now I'm nice? Oh, God. Don't you know any other adjectives?
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Joel : Clem, let me drive you home.
Clementine : Get out of my face, faggot!
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Joel : Where's the self-help section?
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Clementine : Joel, you're like an old lady or something.
Joel : What are you like? A wino?
Clementine : A wino? Jesus, are you from the '50s or something? A wino?
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Joel : There's someone here. He stole your underwear.
Clementine : I don't see anyone.
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Clementine : This is sort of warped.
Joel : I'm scared. I want my mommy!
