Club Dread (2004)
Paul Soter: Dave
Photos
Quotes
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Hank : When you're all done with your little pink panty meltdown, let me know... 'cause I'd like to get down to business.
Coconut Pete : I thought it was time to bring in the pro.
Sam, The Fun Police : Hank?
Coconut Pete : Yes, Hank. The head of security on all my tours.
Jenny : So, what? He keeps aging hippies from stealing the bong out of your tour bus?
Coconut Pete : It just so happens that Hank used to be a federal agent. Yes, that's right. Headed an FBI task force on serial killers. Single-handedly caught the Minneapolis Mangler.
Lars : Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?
Hank : Exactly!
Dave : Pete, you are aware that I've personally served this guy 20 beers a day for the last 10 years, right?
Hank : [shows a nasty scar on his stomach] Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior! When you can stuff your intestines back in your pockets and walk 20 klicks to an aid station after a knife fight with guerrilla drug lords, then you talk to me!
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Island Guest : [After hearing the Machete Phil story] Wait, wait... you're telling me that there's some totally deranged dickless dude running around out there?
Dave : All I'm saying is: I don't go into the jungle alone if I can help it. 'Cause you can hear him, and I've heard him... crying out... "Where's my penis? Where's my penis? Where's my penis?"
Putman : [suddenly stands up, his pants fall down; he is doing a "dick-tuck" so that it is not visible] And that boy was me!
[shocked reactions from the group: some are screaming, some are laughing]
Dave : [stands up, his pants fall down, he is doing a "dick-tuck", too] You're an asshole, Putman.
[mad that Putman stole his punch-line]
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Dave : [about Putman] "Am I the only one who thinks his head looks like an octopus?"
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Dave : [as Dave, Jenny and Sam are watching Juan and Penelope have sex; to Jenny] If you are the killer, that's cool, just, you know, don't kill me!
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[It has just been revealed that Juan has spent time in prison]
Dave : What the fuck did you do, man? Costa Rican prison - that's some hardcore anal action, man.
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Dave : [a lot of people are sitting around a campfire at night] Hey, you guys ever hear the story of the Machete Maniac?
[some people say, "let's hear it."]
Dave : I don't know. It's probably too scary for you guys.
Juan : [with a girl in each arm] No, come on, Dave. Please, tell us the story.
Dave : All right, what the hell. This must've been, like, 10 years ago, you know? We had a kid working at the club named Phil Coletti. And one night... it was a night a lot like tonight... this gorgeous woman comes into the club, asks him if he wants to go out into the jungle. He's like, "Yeah. Why not?" So they split. And as they started getting out to the jungle... further and further away from the lights of the club... she starts asking him these questions, like... does he believe in the local legends of the island... voodoo, zombies? He's not too worried about it. He just rolls right over, and starts putting the screws to her. But something doesn't feel right to Coletti. But he can't see shit. It's pitch black, so he just keeps bangin' away. But then - boom! A flash of lightning lights up the whole island, and in that one moment... Coletti looks around and sees, not only is he out in the middle of that old Mayan cemetery... not only are all the other guys from the resort standing around watching him... but he sees that he's having sex with a corpse. A cold, white, dirty-from-the-grave dead body.
[some in audience groan]
Dave : And they say... Phil Coletti calmly walked to the groundskeeper's shack... found a machete... and chopped those staff members into a hundred pieces. And they say, he took that same machete... chopped his own dick off, and ran screaming into the jungle! Nobody ever saw him after that. But from that point on... Phil Coletti was forever known... as Machete Phil.
Island Guest : Are you telling me there's some totally deranged, dickless dude running around out there?
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Dave : Hey, I think something's wrong with the lights.
