Club Dread (2004)

Steve Lemme: Juan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Putman : [with disdain]  What kind of a man has sex with a goat?

  Juan : Hey, I used a condom.

  Jenny : [who had had sex with Juan]  You told me they were against your religion.

  Juan : Ehh, you know, I need to find Peen-a-lope. I am sure you all understand.

• Juan : [after "interrogating" Penelope by having passionate sex]  I may need a few more hours to pump her for information.

• Juan : You want to know what I did? You all want to know what I did? I, Juan Castillo, went to jail, for having sex with a goat. All right? What do you want me to say? We lived on a farm! And I got lonely! We were just a couple of stupid "kids".

• Juan : [very upset]  Pete! Yu and Hank are dead!

  Coconut Pete : Why? What did we do?

  Juan : No, man. Yu and Hank are fucking dead.

  Coconut Pete : You threatening me? 'Cause if you are, you little hairless lap dog...

  Juan : Ay, puta! Just come and look!

• Juan Castillo : [reading Penelope's name-tag]  Oh, that is a beautiful name. Peen-a-lope. Peen-a-lope. It's breathtaking.

  Penelope : [smiling at his mispronouncing her name]  Um, thank you.

• Penelope : [lying on top of Juan, who is lying on the ground, and talking in a creepy soft voice]  You have been very bad today, Juan.

  Juan : What did I do?

  Penelope : When you were supposed to be in the maze, you were eating watermelon.

  Juan : [shocked]  How did you know that?

  Penelope : Because I see everything, Juan.

• Juan : [Juan, Penelope, Lars and Jenny are about to dive off a very high cliff]  When you jump, squeeze your ass-cheeks together, or water will fly up your butt-hole and pulverize your intestines.

  Jenny : [after the dive]  Oh, my asshole!

• Penelope : I go to Oral Roberts.

  Juan Castillo : Oral Roberts? Is that like Anal Johnson? Because I have done that a few times. Or was it Dirty Sanchez? Yes. It was that.

• Lars : [about to be locked up in a room, like a holding cell, with only one small window, because they think he might be the killer]  Are you familiar with the expression "sitting duck"?

  Juan : Uhh, no.

• Putman : David, you hated him for killing your parents. You see, what none of us did know, what none of us could know, was that David's parents were trampled to death at a Coconut Pete concert.

  Jenny : What the hell's wrong with you Putman? Everyone knows Dave's parents got killed at a Pete show.

  Juan : Yeah, way to bring up a sore subject.

• Sam : [referring to lyrics from a Coconut Pete song]  You know, octopus spelled backwards is supotco. Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?

  Juan : Supotco? No. But, the word for shoe is zapato.

  Sam : Hmm, shoe.

  Putman : [returning from being on stage]  What'd I miss?

  Jenny : Apparently somebody's going to get killed with a shoe.

• Juan : [after Penelope does gymnast moves in the bed room, landing right on Juan]  What the fuck are you, a praying mantis woman?

• Hank : All right, since there's no way off this rock, we're gonna have to catch this guy.

  Putman : Catch him? We couldn't even catch the bloody raccoon that was stealing my wristbands last month.

  Hank : You didn't ask me to catch the raccoon, did you, pimp? All right, now here's the plan: you're gonna give this wing-nut exactly what he wants. You're all gonna do your jobs.

  Juan : All right then, tell me something. How the hell are we esposed to do our jobs, when somebody is killing the deek out of everybody on the island?

  Hank : Take it easy there, menstrual cramp.

• [Putman runs up to Dave and Juan in the Pacman maze in a banana suit] 

  Putman : Mmm! Mmm! Mmmm!

  Dave : Are you trying to tell us something boy? Is Timmy trapped in the well?

  [Putman motions for them to follow him] 

  Juan : [singing while running after Putman]  Follow thee banana, follow thee banana!

• Juan : You are the fucking FUN POLICE!

• Penelope : Juan, you're bleeding!

  Juan : You should see the other hombre.

• Jenny : [about Penelope]  Who is she?

  Juan : She's my girlfriend.

• Juan : [to Jenny, hiding in the closet]  Eh, I'm still not sure. I may need a few more hours to "pump" her for information.

  Jenny : [mad, whispering]  You asshole! Now you're just trying to get laid. How would you like to be stuffed in this closet while I go out there and have sex?

  Juan : That is a great idea.

  [toilet flushes] 

  Juan : Shh! Here she comes!

• Sam : Nobody ever suspects the Fun Police.

  Juan : Bullshit. I always have suspected you.

  Sam : Bullshit. You did not.

  Juan : You are the bullshit! He's the guy from the campfire story: Machete Phil, the kid with no dick.

  Sam : No. That's just an old campfire story.

  Juan : What do you piss out of, your asshole?

  Sam : It's just a story! I have a dick. I'm not Machete Phil. I'm Machete Sam.

• Penelope : [Juan and Penelope in bed together]  I've never been to a place like this. I mean, it's just so free. Juan, I have spent my whole life in a gym.

  [Penelope shows him a large photo of her in a gymnast outfit] 

  Penelope : I just wanted to party like everyone else.

  Juan : Wait, wait, wait. You are a gymnast?

  Penelope : Yeah.

  Juan : [raising his eyes to heaven]  Oh! Gracias!

• Dave : [a lot of people are sitting around a campfire at night]  Hey, you guys ever hear the story of the Machete Maniac?

  [some people say, "let's hear it."] 

  Dave : I don't know. It's probably too scary for you guys.

  Juan : [with a girl in each arm]  No, come on, Dave. Please, tell us the story.

  Dave : All right, what the hell. This must've been, like, 10 years ago, you know? We had a kid working at the club named Phil Coletti. And one night... it was a night a lot like tonight... this gorgeous woman comes into the club, asks him if he wants to go out into the jungle. He's like, "Yeah. Why not?" So they split. And as they started getting out to the jungle... further and further away from the lights of the club... she starts asking him these questions, like... does he believe in the local legends of the island... voodoo, zombies? He's not too worried about it. He just rolls right over, and starts putting the screws to her. But something doesn't feel right to Coletti. But he can't see shit. It's pitch black, so he just keeps bangin' away. But then - boom! A flash of lightning lights up the whole island, and in that one moment... Coletti looks around and sees, not only is he out in the middle of that old Mayan cemetery... not only are all the other guys from the resort standing around watching him... but he sees that he's having sex with a corpse. A cold, white, dirty-from-the-grave dead body.

  [some in audience groan] 

  Dave : And they say... Phil Coletti calmly walked to the groundskeeper's shack... found a machete... and chopped those staff members into a hundred pieces. And they say, he took that same machete... chopped his own dick off, and ran screaming into the jungle! Nobody ever saw him after that. But from that point on... Phil Coletti was forever known... as Machete Phil.

  Island Guest : Are you telling me there's some totally deranged, dickless dude running around out there?