Bruce Almighty (2003)
Jennifer Aniston: Grace Connelly
Photos
Quotes
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Bruce : [breaking out of a freeze] Hi, Susan!
Grace : Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce : Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber - pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?
[Grace gasps in disbelief]
Bruce : Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.
[mashes and discards stupid umbrella hat]
Bruce : Oh, well. No big deal.
Control Booth Operator : Oh boy.
Bruce : Oh, look! It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill...
Bill, Ferry Owner : That's all right.
Bruce : No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on, let's have a talk.
Grace : Come on. What are you doing?
Bruce : Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill, Ferry Owner : Hey, man, I don't want any problems...
Bruce : [messes his hair] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
[sticking his face into the camera]
Bruce : Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.
Jack : Cut the feed. Cut to black.
Control Booth Operator : I'm on it.
Bruce : I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you...
[makes a fist gesture]
Bruce : fuckers.
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Bruce : [Grace is in the kitchen washing up. Bruce grabs her from behind and pulls her into a kiss] Morning.
Grace : [Cheerful and giggly] Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.
Bruce : [He sits down at the dinner table] Ooo, my favey.
Grace : Honey last night was just...
Bruce : Heavenly? I know, I know...
Grace : I mean, you know, I woke up this morning and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you?
Bruce : [Accidentally squirts ketchup all over his sandwich] Uh, what? Your... uh... bigger?
Grace : Oh, come on!
Grace : [She jiggles her boobs for him] Look at them, please! They are definitely bigger, I mean, look, they feel huge to me!
Bruce : Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck... breast... thank you.
Grace : [Bruce kisses her] Where are you going?
Bruce : [He turns around, confident] To get my job back.
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Bruce : [Grace is sitting on the sofa, putting together a photo album. She hears Bruce singing from outside the door] What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, tryin' to make his way...
[She opens the door, and sees Bruce standing there]
Bruce : hoooooooooome!
Grace : [surprised] Oh my God.
Bruce : You can call me Bruce.
Grace : What happened to you? You seem so-
[He interrupts her with a kiss]
Grace : happy.
Bruce : Why shouldn't I be? On a night like this.
[He presents her with some flowers]
Grace : Ooooh... those are amazing! What are these?
Bruce : They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies.
Grace : Okay...
[She walks away to get a vase. Once she's gone, Bruce magically closes the door with his powers. He follows her to the kitchen and strikes a flirtatious pose in the doorway]
Grace : Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...
Bruce : Last night I was only human.
[He backs away seductively]
Bruce : Barry, help me out here.
[the stereo magically turns on to Barry White's Never Never Gonna Give You Up]
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Grace : I'll be out in a minute!
Bruce : Don't rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the... pleasure.
[Growls]
Grace : [Grace's vagina is filled with pleasure, and her knees buckle, causing her to hold onto the sink for support] Oh God! Oh!
Bruce : It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Grace : Wow.
Bruce : It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!
Grace : [Grace's vagina is filled with even more pleasure, and she falls onto the toilet seat, knocking over several bottles as she does] Oh my God.
Bruce : [Bruce thrusts his hands in Grace's direction, and starts sending pleasure to her with his mind] Pleasuring pleasurable pleasuring...
Grace : [Grace writhes in sexual ecstasy on the seat, as she suddenly has the most powerful orgasm of her life] Oh God!
[Moaning]
Grace : Oh good God!
[She collapses onto the floor, overcome with sexual delight]
Bruce : ...pleasurable pleasure.
[the bathroom door opens. Bruce quickly stops chanting and adopts a casual pose. Grace is standing in the doorway, using it for support. Bruce growls at her like an animal. She runs at Bruce, who grabs her and throws her down onto the bed. Outside their apartment, we see their lights flickering, and hear Grace's loud moans of sexual bliss. Bruce cries out triumphantly]
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Mother : [Bruce drives up in his fancy car] What the heck is that?
Grace : Oh, Bruce's new car.
Mother : Ok...
Grace : [Bruce gets out of the car and walks towards her] I am mad at you.
Bruce : I know you are, and you have every right to be.
[He pulls out a bouquet of flowers]
Bruce : But I have flowers.
Grace : What are those?
Bruce : They're a hybrid of sunflowers and lilies. I call 'em "sillies". 'Cause they're a little mixed up like me.
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Grace : [after Bruce rants about God being responsible for all his problems] Alright, sweetheart, I know that you're mad. It's completely understandable. What Evan did was slimy and wrong. But this day could've been so much worse. I'm just glad you're okay.
[She tries to hold Bruce in compassion, but Bruce angrily moves out of her embrace]
Bruce Nolan : Okay? Newsflash: I'm not okay. I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment! I'm not okay with a mediocre life!
[In his rage, Bruce knocks a container full of photos off the coffee table. Grace is visibly hurt and upset by Bruce's insensitivity]
Grace : [holding back tears] So is that what you think that we have? A mediocre life?
Bruce Nolan : [oblivious to Grace's feelings] Don't make this about you.
Grace : [angry and shocked] About me? How can I make this about me? It's about you! It's always about you!
Bruce Nolan : [as he leaves the apartment in frustration] Perfect. Perfect! I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of GUILT please!
[He slams the door, leaving Grace feeling helpless and heartbroken]
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Grace : Honey, hi, wow!
[Gasps as she looks up at the sky, seeing the moon, which Bruce has brought closer to the Earth]
Grace : I've never seen the moon that big!
Bruce : Yeah...
[Bruce starts running his hands through Grace's hair sensually]
Bruce : We really shouldn't waste it.
[Bruce and Grace start making out passionately, as a divinely-caused meteor shower lights the sky behind them]
Bruce : Bedroom?
Grace : [breaks the kiss] Five minutes!
[Grace runs into the bathroom to prepare for sex]
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Bruce : [Grace has walked out angrily after catching Bruce kissing Susan Ortega. Bruce is running after her] Grace! Grace, come here! Grace, this is so weird, I was just calling you!
Grace : Oh yeah, what, and you thought like Susan's mouth was the phone?
Bruce : She kissed me! I'm the kissee!
Grace : [bitterly] Yeah, you were putting up a really big fight!
Bruce : I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she's really strong. Okay, I screwed up! Can I make it up to you?
Grace : Yeah! Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce?
Bruce : What?
Grace : Yeah, a big boat! And then maybe two big bags of cash? Then, then I'll be happy. Lots of money and lots of stuff! Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies with the man that they've loved for five years, but not me, Bruce! Just gimme the boat!
[She gets in the car]
Bruce : [shouts at the heavens, talking to God] No wonder you stayed single!
[turns back to Grace]
Bruce : Grace, don't do this!
Grace : I'm not doing it! I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's, you take care of Sam until I can make arrangements.
[She drives off]
Bruce : You can't leave me! I'm the Alpha, lady! I'm the Omega, baby! Okay, fine. I don't need you!
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Bruce : [He finishes his report, and Grace comes up to him] Hey...
[They kiss]
Bruce : How was that?
Grace : That was great.
Bruce : Yeah?
Grace : That was really great.
[They kiss again]
Grace : Now you still have to go over there. The nurse is waiting.
Bruce : Oh... do I have to?
Grace : Oh it's not gonna hurt. In fact I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.
Bruce : Ooo baby.
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Bruce : [He finds a particular photo amongst the others] Woah, hold the phone. I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
Grace : How did you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.
Bruce : [Staring at it] You look perky, hun. Must've been cold.
Grace : Alright just give it to me.
Bruce : You know I think I'll put this on my computer and use it as a wallpaper.
Grace : Okay, Bruce, give it to me! Come on!
[She tries to get it off him]
Bruce : Hey! Hey! No no no!
Grace : Alright fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care.
Bruce : I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy. I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.
Grace : Give that to me, right now!
[She pounces on him]
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Grace : [from deleted scene] I don't want a dog that craps in a toilet!
