Shining Time Station: 'Tis a Gift (1990 TV Movie)

Brian Edward O'Connor: Schemer

Quotes 

• Schemer : All right, you forced me to tell you something I wasn't going to tell anybody else, but did you know that Stacy Jones, who wants to play Santa's helper, did you know that she... No, I can't say it, I can't say it.

  Midge Smoot : What? What? What?

  Schemer : She's a humanoid. She's an alien from another planet pretending to be one of us!

  Midge Smoot : I... I don't know what to say.

  Schemer : Well in that case, say you will vote for Schemer to be Santa's helper. I mean, after all, it's wrong to have these Martians playing these important roles when there are perfectly good Earth beings around.

• Schemer : J.B. King Esquire. Exalted head of the Indian Valley Railroad. My favorite. Can I talk to you a second? I understand that you are on the committee that's going to pick Santa's helper for the holiday pageant. Then I feel it is my duty to inform you about some flaw's in my opponent's character.

  J.B. King : Flaws in Miss Jones' character?

  Schemer : Did you know that she trains rats?

  J.B. King : She trains rats? Why?

  Schemer : Why? Um... To steal cheese! To steal cheese! Because she is so fond of cheese sandwiches, see? Now that is something to consider when you're voting on who should be Santa's helper. After all, do you want a rat training, cheese theif? Or somebody who's honest and wholesome and good and cute? Someone like, me for instance?

• Stacy Jones : Schemer, you've had some nutty ideas before but this one takes the cake!

  Schemer : Cake, I almost forgot.

  [Brings out a piece of cake] 

  Schemer : Thank you for reminding me, Miss Stacy Jones.

• Schemer : [In deep voice]  Ho ho ho! Oh little girl, how can I help you? Oh, so you'd like a doll that makes your bed, brushes your teeth and eats your vegetables?

  [In normal voice] 

  Schemer : Hey, so do I. Ho ho ho!

• Schemer : I understand you are on the committee that picks Santa's helper?

  Mayor of East Shemp : Not you too. Stacy Jones, J.B. King, even Midge Smoot want to be Santa's helper.

  Schemer : Right, well you can't vote for any of them. Because they all smoke big, cheap, smelly cigars. For breakfast! Stink-O ones.

  Mayor of East Shemp : Big, cheap, smelly cigars? For breakfast? I find that hard to believe.

  Schemer : That's - That's because you're not concentrating hard enough! You need to try a little harder. Perhaps these nickels will help you concentrate and remember, vote for Schemer for Santa's helper.

• Midge Smoot : Schemer, have you lost what little sense you already had?

  Schemer : I don't think so, no.

  Midge Smoot : The best thing you could wish for, Schemer, would be for Santa to bring you a brand new brain!

• Schemer : [to the tune of Deck the Halls]  Tis the season to make money/ Fa la la la la/ La la la LA!