Scrubs (2001–2010)
Ken Jenkins: Dr. Bob Kelso, Dr. Kelso
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Cox : Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
Carla : I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
[nurses stare]
Dr. Cox : Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
Carla : So what I'm not funny?
Dr. Cox : I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
Turk : Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
Dr. Cox : Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[flash to Cox as the maid]
Dr. Cox : Am I right?
[cut back]
Dr. Cox : Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
Snoop Dogg Intern : Yo!
Dr. Cox : Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
Ted : I am?
Dr. Cox : Yes
Ted : Awwwww!
Dr. Cox : And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
[points pinky and makes sipping motion]
Dr. Cox : . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
Dr. Kelso : Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
Dr. Cox : The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted : I'm not really a sad sack?
Carla : Ted your pen exploded.
Ted : [looks at shirt] Awww!
[realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
Ted : AWWWW MAN!
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Dr. Kelso : Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times?
Dr. Cox : Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks.
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Dr. Cox : They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good.
Dr. Kelso : [threateningly, to Nurse Roberts, who is chuckling] What is so funny?
Nurse Roberts : Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part.
[much more threateningly]
Nurse Roberts : Why?
Dr. Kelso : [Frightened] Uh, no reason.
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[Dr. Kelso greets a couple of orderlies who arrive with an occupied body bag on a gurney from a traffic accident]
Dr. Kelso : Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body... or at least some garlic knots.
Chris Turk : Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso : I don't think so.
[to the dead body]
Dr. Kelso : Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?
[He bends down to listen at the head of the gurney]
Dr. Kelso : Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two... except of course that a yellow light means to slow down.
[He chuckles morbidly]
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Dr. Kelso : Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things".
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Dr. Kelso : [drunk at Turk and Carlas wedding reception] Ahh, Dr. Turkleton!
Chris Turk : Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso : That's your first name!
Chris Turk : You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso : [to Carla] ... and Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Hehehe...
[to bartender]
Dr. Kelso : Give me a scotch.
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[Turk is occupying Dr. Kelso's lunch spot]
Dr. Kelso : Interesting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot... why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions.
Chris Turk : You don't say.
Dr. Kelso : [sighs] Simpler times.
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Dr. Kelso : She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman. I think that's so cute... I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries.
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Dr. Cox : You know, Bob, I've been thinking of all the times you manipulated me and toyed with me and I can't help but recall that children's fable about that race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass-chief-of-medicine-that-everybody-hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, but right at the end... oh, gosh I'm sure you remember what happened Bob, the tortoise bit clean through the Chief of Medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive right there on the racetrack. It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me nonetheless.
Dr. Kelso : Buzzy, buzz, buzz...
Dr. Cox : I... beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso : Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
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Dr. Kelso : [Dr. Kelso just found out Turk cut off the plug of the Pacman machine] I know it was you.
Chris Turk : [waving the plug around] You mean this right here? It's mine from home.
Dr. Kelso : Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died.
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Chris Turk : Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir?
Dr. Kelso : I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up.
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[about Dr. Cox]
Dr. Kelso : And I'll be damned if he doesn't disagree with everything I say just because I said it.
J.D. : Sir, I don't think that's true.
[Kelso turns over]
Dr. Kelso : It's hotter than hell in here, Perry!
Dr. Cox : Freezing!
Dr. Kelso : Great coffee, though!
Dr. Cox : Rat piss!
Dr. Kelso : Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up!
Dr. Cox : No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with.
Dr. Kelso : [to J.D] Your witness.
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J.D. : [voiceover] I was running late, but that's okay, because I've been working with Dr. Casey these last few weeks and he likes to start every day the same way - by touching everything in his first patient's room.
Dr. Kevin Casey : [touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink...
Dr. Kelso : [enters room]
J.D. : Everything.
Dr. Kevin Casey : [touches Dr. Kelso's nose]
Dr. Kelso : Oh, well I suppose that's how they say hello in Cuckoo town. The patients on this wing have been complaining about hearing strange noises.
Dr. Kevin Casey : If it's bink I can explain.
Dr. Kelso : It's not bink.
J.D. : Is it I come from the land down under, where women glow and men plunder? That wasn't me.
Dr. Kelso : Just figure it out, dammit!
Dr. Kelso : [leaves]
Dr. Kevin Casey : Do you plunder?
J.D. : I have been known to.
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[standing up for Carla]
Chris Turk : Dr. Kelso, how is it that you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night just so you didn't lose it?
Dr. Kelso : How do you know that?
Chris Turk : Because I'm the homeboy you screamed at to get my ghetto-mobile of the road.
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Dr. Kelso : Sweet dancing Jehovah! I've punctured my brain.
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Dr. Kelso : Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, Now that's a professional!
Elliot : Um, Sir I don't think I look unprofessional.
Dr. Kelso : I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup! Get a haircut! And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!
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Dr. Kelso : [on phone in his office] Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house!
[listens, smiling]
Dr. Kelso : Baring his teeth, huh?... OK, now here's whatcha do... Are you ready?
[pauses, smiling]
Dr. Kelso : Make a sudden move!
[barks, growls and screams are heard from the phone. Kelso hangs up, chuckling]
Dr. Kelso : Ahh, those two.
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Dr. Kelso : [to Dr. Cox] I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the comedian at that strip joint in Reno... I'm not here for the jokes.
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Dr. Kelso : I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think?
Dr. Cox : I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin!
Dr. Kelso : Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically.
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Dr. Kelso : Perry, what's our plan of attack?
Dr. Cox : When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.
Dr. Kelso : I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves.
Dr. Cox : [intrigued] Uh-huh.
Janitor : [while JD is coming up behind the Janitor] I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them, I'd show you.
[JD sneaks away while ominous music plays]
Janitor : He's near...
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Dr. Kelso : Nothing worth having comes easy.
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[Turk threatens to sue Dr. Kelso]
Dr. Kelso : I can make little Dr. Turk action figures. They'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it goes "I don't like these posters of me!" Isn't that right, Ned?
Ted : Oh, definitely, sir. But... from a legal standpoint, you'd be somewhat vulnerable...
Dr. Kelso : How vulnerable?
Ted : Sir, that law suit would be over so quickly I would advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer back to his place.
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Dr. Kelso : I'm being honored tonight by the Board of Trustees, and they asked me to say a few words.
Dr. Cox : Oh! Yawn.
Dr. Kelso : Anyway, I would like you to be the one who introduces me.
Dr. Cox : Wow! Seriously?
Dr. Kelso : Yeah!
Dr. Cox : Not interested.
Dr. Kelso : I didn't ask if you were interested.
Dr. Cox : Bob, I deeply dislike you. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.
Dr. Kelso : Well, then, use that passion! Put that rage on the page!
Dr. Cox : Here's an idea: Why not use Big Chief Flop-Sweat, here?
Dr. Kelso : [coldly] Ted's not an impressive man.
Ted : Hey...! That - Ah, he's right.
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Dr. Kelso : Ketchup is for winners, Ted!
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Dr. Kelso : [after wanting rounds back] Dr. Cox, could I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Cox : Okay, Bobbo. But you're just gonna have to put your hand up like the other interns.
Dr. Kelso : Please?
Dr. Cox : Come on now, Bobbo. You've got five good ones right there. Just put 'em in the air like you just don't care.
Dr. Kelso : Get here right now!
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Dr. Kelso : Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's getting heat stroke!
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[about the tattoo on his ass that says 'Johnny']
Dr. Kelso : And Johnny's got a tattoo on his left cheek that says 'Bobbie'.
Brian Dancer : ...I bet he doesn't regret that at all.
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Ted : [shouting on the phone] You want to quit? Then quit! But you, sir, are a worthless peon and you will *always* be a worthless peon!
[hangs up]
Ted : Sir, you know my band, The Worthless Peons? Well, Chris from Shipping & Receiving wants to go solo! If we lose him, we'll lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair! What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso : Ted, you know my rule about personal problems - I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.
[hands Ted a file]
Dr. Kelso : Do lawyer stuff to that.
