Scrubs (2001–2010)
Donald Faison: Dr. Christopher Turk
Photos
Quotes
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Turk : Who are these guys?
J.D. : These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
Turk : When do you find time to see your patients?
J.D. : Between these thoughts.
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Dr. Cox : Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
Carla : I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
[nurses stare]
Dr. Cox : Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
Carla : So what I'm not funny?
Dr. Cox : I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
Turk : Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
Dr. Cox : Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[flash to Cox as the maid]
Dr. Cox : Am I right?
[cut back]
Dr. Cox : Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
Snoop Dogg Intern : Yo!
Dr. Cox : Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
Ted : I am?
Dr. Cox : Yes
Ted : Awwwww!
Dr. Cox : And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
[points pinky and makes sipping motion]
Dr. Cox : . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
Dr. Kelso : Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
Dr. Cox : The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted : I'm not really a sad sack?
Carla : Ted your pen exploded.
Ted : [looks at shirt] Awww!
[realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
Ted : AWWWW MAN!
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Carla : Christopher!
Chris Turk : Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
Carla : Sometimes.
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[Turk shows his new interns the patient list]
Chris Turk : This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...
J.D. : This one needs courage.
Chris Turk : Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?
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Chris Turk : [to Carla] Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?
Nurse Roberts : I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.
Chris Turk : Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it!
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Turk : [voice-over] It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
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J.D. : I am not addicted to Journey
Chris Turk : [singing] She's just a small-town girl...
J.D. : [singing] Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere.
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[Turk is picking a team for a basketball game. JD throws a basketball and it hits him on the head, knocking him unconscious]
Turk : I got that guy.
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[Trying to explain to Elliot that he'd perfer not having a kid watch his dad's surgery, but can't say much since the kid is right there]
Elliot : [In french] Do you speak french?
Chris Turk : You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.
Elliot : [French] I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, ok?
[Turk is lost]
Chris Turk : [Bad French] I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants.
Elliot : What?
Chris Turk : [Bad French] Grapefruit!
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[discussing an argument between Elliot and Alex, an attractive social worker J.D. is dating]
Chris Turk : So, who'd you side with?
J.D. : Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
Chris Turk : Smooth.
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[Dr. Kelso greets a couple of orderlies who arrive with an occupied body bag on a gurney from a traffic accident]
Dr. Kelso : Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body... or at least some garlic knots.
Chris Turk : Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso : I don't think so.
[to the dead body]
Dr. Kelso : Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?
[He bends down to listen at the head of the gurney]
Dr. Kelso : Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two... except of course that a yellow light means to slow down.
[He chuckles morbidly]
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Chris Turk : Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock.
Elliot : If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro.
Carla : [gasps] I do think that!
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[Turk is talking about a rival surgeon]
Chris Turk : Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse.
J.D. : Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
Carla : Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot : [to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
J.D. : Not entirely unlike a... ninja.
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J.D. : I can't believe you lost our bottle opener.
Chris Turk : Yeah, I know.
[quoting JD from earlier]
Chris Turk : I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes.
J.D. : You're a bad person.
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Dr. Kelso : [drunk at Turk and Carlas wedding reception] Ahh, Dr. Turkleton!
Chris Turk : Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso : That's your first name!
Chris Turk : You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso : [to Carla] ... and Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Hehehe...
[to bartender]
Dr. Kelso : Give me a scotch.
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Chris Turk : You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word black, even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss... and we hug... and we apologize for all the things we said... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!
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Chris Turk : Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!
Carla : Nice, while your mother lays there dying.
Chris Turk : [to JD] Tell her.
J.D. : His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together.
Chris Turk : Because I love my mom.
J.D. : Mm, and I would love her too.
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Chris Turk : I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable?
Carla : And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats!
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[Turk is occupying Dr. Kelso's lunch spot]
Dr. Kelso : Interesting tidbit: Back during the gold rush, when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot... why, he could shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions.
Chris Turk : You don't say.
Dr. Kelso : [sighs] Simpler times.
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J.D. : I just Marcia Brady'd your ass.
Chris Turk : What the hell are you talking about?
J.D. : Like in the episode of the Brady Bunch where Marcia gets Jan a job, then Marcia gets fired cos they like Jan better...
Chris Turk : Season 5, Episode 3, Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the Bunch.
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Dr. Kelso : [Dr. Kelso just found out Turk cut off the plug of the Pacman machine] I know it was you.
Chris Turk : [waving the plug around] You mean this right here? It's mine from home.
Dr. Kelso : Forty Million, Son. You have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high-score? People died.
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Chris Turk : Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first.
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[Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems]
Dr. Cox : I don't know what the hell she wants.
Chris Turk : I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.
J.D. : My peeps are on the frits.
Dr. Cox : What?
Chris Turk : Whoa.
J.D. : No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...
Chris Turk : Yeah, right.
Dr. Cox : God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.
Chris Turk : Dude...
[Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D]
Janitor : Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar.
[empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table]
Janitor : Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.
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Todd : Why won't any women talk to me?
Attractive nurse : Because you're slimy and you turn everything into a double entendre.
Todd : I do not.
[Attractive nurse leaves, Todd stares at Turk]
Chris Turk : Go ahead.
Todd : I'd like to double her entendre.
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Chris Turk : Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir?
Dr. Kelso : I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up.
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Dr. Cox : [whistles] Let's go, field trip.
Chris Turk : I got things to do, you know.
[still, he follows Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox : Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal: you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts!
Chris Turk : Carla put you up to this?
Dr. Cox : No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around.
[Turk gives him a look]
Dr. Cox : [firm] Turn around.
[Turk does turn around, and the two look into the observation window of a patient in the I.C.U. The family is gathered around the bed as Dr. Wen speaks to them]
Dr. Cox : You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong, and that patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry - and then he's going back to work. Do you think anybody else in that room's going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves; that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And... sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.
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[standing up for Carla]
Chris Turk : Dr. Kelso, how is it that you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night just so you didn't lose it?
Dr. Kelso : How do you know that?
Chris Turk : Because I'm the homeboy you screamed at to get my ghetto-mobile of the road.
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Bouncer : Okay, you're in.
J.D. : Word.
Bouncer : Uh! You're out.
Chris Turk : Let me handle this. Look man, homie here is a little out of his mizzle, so I'm just saying for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle.
Bouncer : You out, too.
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[JD and Turk are trying, and failing, to reassure Elliot that they aren't obsessing over the orgasm she accidentally gave a patient during a pelvic exam]
J.D. : Elliot, come on, I have never heard a woman make sounds like "that".
Elliot : [smiling] Oh, I'm sure "you" haven't.
Chris Turk : [laughing] See, it's funny because you never really satisfied a woman!
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[Turk explains Papa Smurf's version of leadership]
Chris Turk : Smurfination, smurfination, and smurf.
J.D. : Presentation, inspiration, and fear?
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[the Todd has farted earlier in the O.R]
Todd : Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together.
Chris Turk : And yet you continue to eat chili.
Todd : Dude I'm takin' the cheese off.
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Chris Turk : Ankles is a simple game. The first one to get embarrassed and pull up their scrubs loses.
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Chris Turk : Let's play Steak.
J.D. : What?
Chris Turk : Steak. The first person to finish their steak is the winner of Steak.
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[Somebody streaked in the hospital]
Chris Turk : I know it wasn't you last night. Look I'm not proud of this but I can pick your puff and stuff out of a line-up
J.D. : He changed since the last time you saw him. He got a haircut.
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Elliot : C'mon peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass.
[JD turns to Turk and Carla]
J.D. : And that my friends is one nerdy honky.
[Turk to Carla]
Chris Turk : That's two.
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Chris Turk : Awww... Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag?
J.D. : Why don't you use Power Rangers?
Chris Turk : How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco?
J.D. : Do you remember when communications with Zordon went down and the Megazord was destroyed?
Chris Turk : How did I miss that episode? Oh, right. I was making love to a woman!
J.D. : Power Rangers ho!
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Elliot : I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in, like, a few weeks what am I supposed to do?
J.D. : Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
Chris Turk : *Or,* it's a simple surgery.
J.D. : Uhhh, Turk, I think we've already decided on bunion-face!
Elliot : Cut me the hell up.
J.D. : Dammit!
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J.D. : Hey, where's my fuzzy for my 3 wood?
Chris Turk : [naked] It's on my 9 wood.
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Carla : Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Chris Turk : I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? Wus'UP
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Chris Turk : [being forced to take Elliot to the Honey Festival] I love large groups of white people eating pollen.
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[Carla's assisting Turk in surgery]
Chris Turk : Scalpel.
Carla : Scalpel what?
Chris Turk : Scalpel, please.
Carla : Here you go, baby. Sorry: Dr. Baby.
[She giggles. Dr. Wen interrupts]
Dr. Wen : [to Turk] Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby?
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J.D. : [after learning Kylie has a boyfriend] Ahh! I can't believe it's over.
Chris Turk : Dude, it might not be that serious. There might be a window, but you have to get in there and fish for information.
[getting more excited]
Chris Turk : Okay, you do *not* want to lose this hottie! She is a slamming hottie! And you do not...
Carla : Turk...
Chris Turk : Sorry.
J.D. : I got this. Baby, you know you're his world!
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Todd : That was really big of you to take the blame for Elliot. Just yesterday I really wanted to spank her.
Chris Turk : Why, did she mess up a patient for you, too?
Todd : No.
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[Turk is using an endoscope to find a hernia inside a patient]
Bonnie : We're so lost.
Turk : We're not lost.
Bonnie : Go left, here.
Turk : It's a right.
Bonnie : You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions!
Turk : Do you want to drive this thing? 'Cause I will pull - I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing!
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[Turk is trying to help J.D. break up with Danni]
Chris Turk : Dude, with Danni you just gotta keep your eyes on the prize. Focus in on how great it is to be single! Chasing tail! Hell, I miss it every day.
Carla : Oh, you don't care if you ever have sex again, do you?
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J.D. : You think Turk would like it if I started calling him 'my brother'?
Carla : I don't know.
[Turk passes by]
J.D. : Catch you later... my brutha.
Chris Turk : I'll holla.
J.D. : [to Carla] He said, he'll holler...
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Chris Turk : Woman, I was covered in BEES!
