- Michael Herz: I started to take my on-screen persona too seriously. Well, to tell a long story short, I killed Lloyd's family.
- Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD: God, why does bad things happen to good people?
- God: Because it's funny! Hey? Wanna go get drunk?
- Steve: I just love high school movies! They remember me about my own high school and how everyone loved me and how good I was in football. Then I remember that high school's over... and I'm pretty much of a loser now.
- Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD: [shouts] You suck, Steve!
- Melvina: Michael, what happened here?
- Michael Herz: Lloyd went nuts! Well, actually, he's always been nuts. But now he's got a gun!
- Michael Herz: Lloyd, you wacky youngster.
- Lloyd Kaufman: I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out! How's that for wacky?