National Lampoon's Van Wilder (2002)

Kal Penn: Taj Mahal Badalandabad

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Van Wilder : All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump.

  Taj : No cock pump. Barry White.

• Taj : I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.

  Van Wilder : Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.

  Taj : Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

• Taj : Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

  Van Wilder : Details. Only details.

• Taj : Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma can be solved by partying.

• Van Wilder : I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore.

  Taj : A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.

• [Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause] 

  Van Wilder : Taj, your first blow job!

  Taj : In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!

• Taj : [Jumps up]  WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?

  Hutch : In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.

  Taj : That's no bong... It's for my shlong.

  [Hutch starts coughing and gagging] 

  Hutch : Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?

  [Taj nods his head] 

  Hutch : Oh damn!

• Taj : You have shown me a live I could only dream about back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed.

• Taj : We are truly up the Ganga river without a bamboo oar.

• Taj : I came here to study the great American art of muff diving,