Gallagher: The Bookkeeper (1985 TV Special)
Gallagher: Self
Quotes
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Gallagher : I have to say something about people, even when it's somebody like Michael Jackson. I have to say something about a little dude who runs around the country wearing one glove and singing "Beat It!"
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Gallagher : I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.
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Gallagher : "Dodge" is the perfect word to put on the front of a van comin' at ya. If it says "Ram" on the side, they're after your ass.
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Gallagher : Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
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Gallagher : I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked "brightness" but it don't work, does it?
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Gallagher : What can you say in America? Can I say Priscilla Presley has a big butt? Will I have to prove it in a court of law? Hey, Priscilla, you wanna back it on in here, huh? If she can fit in the witness chair we'll drop, Your Honor.
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Gallagher : [sits on the edge of the water bucket] If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like? I ask right now because if they bent the other way I'd be in that bucket.
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Gallagher : [talking about the English language] From the very beginning, the word one otta start with a wu wu sound, and it don't have one.
[audience laughs]
Gallagher : Don't have a wu wu in one, why? There's a wu wu in why! There ain't no wu wu at the beginning of one! There's an E you don't need! But there ain't no wu wu in one! Then you look at two and there's a wu wu you don't even need! Could that be the wu wu from one that slipped down to ta ta two? That's why spelling bees are won by inbred little ugly girls!
[audience roars]
Gallagher : Have the time to memorize this foolishness!
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Gallagher : Do you need a pain reliever that works? Picky shits, ain't ya?
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Gallagher : [continuing on about Michael Jackson and his antics] Can't count Brooke Shields, she's just about as sexually neutral as he is! Her name even sounds like an anti-sexual device!
[makes a look mocking surprise, audience laughs]
Gallagher : . Did you have fun on your date? No, she was wearing her *Brooke Sheilds*!
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Gallagher : [talking about cats and their unusual, annoying habits] So you leave 'em out, leave 'em out, leave 'em out, you know your cat... When it comes time, through a glass, through a door, You wanna come back in? Talkin' to a cat through a window, you wanna come back in?
[Crosses his eyes and nods his head several times, audience roars in laughter]
Gallagher : .
Gallagher : So you let 'em back in, and they go into the kitty song and dance, "Thought I was ready, but then not quite! Thought I was ready, but then not quite! Look over here! Over there! Over there's more stuff!
[dancing as he sings]
Gallagher : . Not really enough to show intelligence, but not really showing progress either, ya' know?
Gallagher : Then you say, "I quit!" And they go, "Oh, I'm comin', I'm comin." Then they slink along the baseboards slowly for maximum delay. Then they double over to mount the piss off! And you grab some scissors and say to yourself "I'm gonna clip that 'lil sum bitch!" And you go to move faster to catch 'em and they just get through!
[claps his hands once, then shakes his finger at the audience]
Gallagher : Cuz' they're playin' with you!
Gallagher : Then they go into the pantry and see you got too many kinds of one kind of cat food, then they don't want that no more!
[audience laughs]
Gallagher : They can't read, but they can compare! I thought to myself, I might be that way if I was a cat, wanting a variety to my meals. Then I said, no, this is no connoisseur, look where he licks!
[audience laughs]
Gallagher : What gourmet licks his butt, eh?
Gallagher : But that's what makes you mad! Don't eat the food you got for 'em, goes over there and licks their butt!
[audience roars in laughter]
Gallagher : I 'otta make butt-flavored cat food!
[audience roars]
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Gallagher : [talking about motivating our kids to help shape the future] If you're worried about kitties getting run'd over on the highway, and you know we're the foremost front runner in gene splicing, then take the DNA and mix it with that of a flounder, and makin'
[reaches behind his box and pulls out a stuffed cat toy with its midsection flattened and normal head and legs]
Gallagher : pre-flattened cats!
[audience roars]
Gallagher : [holds up the cat so the head faces out] Imagination is the foundation of our reality! Unless you can't imagine these things, they can never be! You don't need a leash for your cat! Just breed 'em with a big, long tail!
[pulls the cat's tail which extends longer]
Gallagher : Then you go out for a walk, get back to the house
[throws the cat down and starts wiping his shoes on the flattened mid-section]
Gallagher : wipe off your feet!
[pulls the tail up, lifting the rear-end]
Gallagher : Kick 'em in the butt!
Gallagher : And if you leave 'em out, don't need to open the door again, just slide 'em under!
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[first lines]
Gallagher : I've come here tonight to San Jose, the only city in this nation smart enough to put its airport downtown where nobody cares.
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Gallagher : You listen to the world, you'll hear McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind instrument and the fart's the whole note.
