- Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
- Jay: What buzz?
- Holden: The Internet buzz.
- Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
- Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] Ooh! Check that shit out, man, the internet! Let's see if those fucks wrote something new about us in that stupid ass flick.
- [reads Shooting Range:]
- Jay: "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls, because they both in fact lick balls."
- [angrily:]
- Jay: Motherfucker! It's time we wrote something back. Type this shit down: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is makin' the movie... we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. And then all you motherfucks are next. Love - Jay and Silent Bob.
- Jay: What are you trying to say? Just say it already.
- Silent Bob: [screams] THE SIGN on the back of the car said "Critters Of HOLLYWOOD", YOU DUMB FUCK!
- Jay: Say it, don't spray it.
- Jay: I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck
- [referring to Silent Bob]
- Jay: , none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
- [deleted scene]
- Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
- Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
- Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
- Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
- Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
- Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
- [stunned silence]
- Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
- [both hookers leave]
- Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
- [to Silent Bob]
- Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
- Sissy: Since you let our patsy slip away, you gotta convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. They gotta break into Provasik now.
- Justice: Uh-uh.
- Sissy: Uh-huh. You'll do it, or you're out of the gang, Justice. Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him, since he's SO fucking in love with you.
- Justice: Jay? No, he's not.
- Sissy: What am I, blind? He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van like he was fucking Lord Byron?
- Justice: Well, maybe he just has manners.
- [cut to Jay outside, hollering at a woman walking past him]
- Jay: Yo, baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
- [he turns to Silent Bob, who stares at him in shock]
- Jay: Yeeaah...!
- Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck, mother fuck, / Noise noise noise, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noise, noise noise / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin' beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. / Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
- Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
- Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks, little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah, / Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
- Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
- Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-fucking Time.
- Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
- [Silent Bob points to the two teens]
- Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
- Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
- Miramax Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.
- Echo Base: [over Gordon's walkie talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.
- Miramax Security Guard Gordon: No sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
- Echo Base: [slightly amused] Oh, that Affleck! Backup on the way...
- Tricia Jones: [on "Bluntman and Chronic: The Movie"] Well! That was just another paean to male adolescence and its refusal to grow up.
- Alyssa Jones: Yeah, sis. But it was better than "Mallrats". At least Holden had the good sense to leave his name off of it.
- Tricia Jones: Why didn't Miramax option his other comic instead. You know, the one about you and him and your "relationship"?
- Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy"? That would never work as a movie.
- Tricia Jones: But...
- Ben Affleck: [ready to act but haven't heard "Action"] So? Action, Gus or what?
- Gus Van Sant: Christ, Ben, I said I'm busy.
- [believing Jay and Silent Bob to be their stunt doubles]
- Jason Biggs: You're doubling me, obviously. I play Bluntman, aka Silent Bill.
- James Van Der Beek: Bob.
- Jason Biggs: Right. And he's playing Chronic, aka Ray.
- James Van Der Beek: Jay. Fuck, Biggs, did you even READ the script?
- Jason Biggs: There's a script?
- James Van Der Beek: Listen, Potzer!
- Jason Biggs: There's a script for this movie?
- James Van Der Beek: You wouldn't last A DAY on the Creek. A day.
- Jason Biggs: Fuck you and your Dawson's Crap! Go to hell, Pacey! Go to hell!
- James Van Der Beek: At least call me by the right fucking character.
- Jay: Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie?
- Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
- Jay: Who?
- Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
- Jay: You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
- Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
- Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a motherfucker.
- [high fives Holden]
- Holden: What's up now.
- Chaka's Production Assistant: You the man.
- Chaka Luther King: No, you the man, and that's the problem.
- Devil Jay: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Man, what the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the set up. Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch! Girls like that kinda shit.
- Devil Jay 2: [appears out of nowhere] Mua-ha-ha-ha! Right about here is where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you NOT to pull your dick out, but we bitch-slapped that motherfucker and send him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let it rip boy...
- [Both devils disappear]
- Angel Jay: [with a black eye, appears out of nowhere and singing] Jesus loves the little children...
- [Stops singing]
- Angel Jay: Oh sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here?
- [looks down at Jay's erection]
- Angel Jay: Oh shit! Don't tell me your thinking of whipping your dick at that fine piece of woman, are you?
- [Jay nods. Angel slaps Jay with his harp]
- Angel Jay: Tell you what... Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks that a good idea to whip your dick out.
- [Jay looks at Silent Bob with a questioning look. Silent Bob shakes his head]
- Angel Jay: That's it boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv-bullshit's gonna work for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nooch. Now I gotta beat the shit out of those punch-sucker little bitches. Remember: Don't pull your dick out 'till she asks, or until she's sleeping. BOOOONG...
- [disappears]
- Jay: Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
- Cock-Knocker: Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!
- [punches Jay in the crotch]
- Jay: So your in this for the pussy right?
- Brent: No, I'm in this because I LOOOVE animals, stupid?
- Jay: Even Sheep?
- Brent: Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures.
- Jay: So would you fuck a sheep?
- Brent: What is your damage, little boy. You have a sick and twisted world perspective.
- Jay: No, you're misunderstaning me, Prince Valiant. I'm saying if you were a sheep, would you fuck a sheep, if you were another sheep?
- Brent: Well, in that case, you bet your sweet ass I would.
- Jay: Thought so.
- [Yelling]
- Jay: Yo, this motherfucker ain't one of us. He said he'd fuck a sheep!
- Brent: No! No! No!
- Jay: [Throws Brent out the door of the van, flips him off as he's looking out the door as they're still driving] WHO'S STUPID NOW, DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!
- [Willenholly and the Utah police confront Jay and Silent Bob]
- Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son. That's the ape.
- Whillenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now is the political fiasco I'm about to avoid here by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go.
- Banky: Uh, Chaka? Yeah. Hi, I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of "Bluntman and Chronic." We met a few weeks back, I'm the executive producer.
- Chaka: Oh, you're the executive producer. Well, why don't you executive produce me a latte - De-Crackinated. Okay, Fucky?
- Banky: Uh, it's Banky.
- Chaka: No, it is Fucky.
- [several security guards, led by Gordon, have suddenly rushed onto the set of Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season]
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
- Matt Damon: [exasperated] Oh Jesus, again Ben?
- Ben Affleck: [cocky] No, bullshit, because I wasn't WITH a hooker today, ha-HA!
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: There they are!
- Jay: Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
- Banky: Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
- Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are callin' us names because of this fuckin' stupid movie.
- Banky: That's what the Internet's for, slandering others anonymously! Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
- Jay: This isn't fair! We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts by a guy named Cockknocker!
- Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do. But Miramax - you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for "Bluntman and Chronic." So it occurs to me that people badmouthing you on some website is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN!
- Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember? For likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis for your intellectual property, "Bluntman and Chronic," when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a VERY actionable position.
- [Banky stares at Silent Bob in disbelief]
- Jay: Yeah.
- Banky: You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.
- Jay: Well, we want somethin' for our mental anguish.
- Banky: Tell you what: let's settle this monetarily. I'll give you half of what I make.
- [Silent Bob's eyes widen in surprise]
- Jay: [eagerly] Half?
- Banky: Half's not enough? Fine, I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.
- Jay: Fuck you, you already said half. You can't take it back.
- [Silent Bob rolls his eyes]
- Banky: Done.
- [they smile and shake hands as Silent Bob shakes his head]
- Whillenholly: It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuckbeans. That was them, wasn't it?
- Matt Damon: Just take it from "It's a good course."
- Ben Affleck: Oh, now you're the director.
- Matt Damon: Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this...
- Ben Affleck: Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week.
- Matt Damon: I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature?
- Ben Affleck: You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him.
- [They both take a beat and look at the camera]
- Ben Affleck: And sometimes, you go back to the well.
- Matt Damon: And sometimes, you play Reindeer Games.
- Ben Affleck: See, that's just mean.
- Jay: Don't you never say an unkind word about the Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy. And Tubby here is my black man servant. What?
- Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
- Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
- Jay: They don't? How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?
- Justice: How about not.
- Jay: Then what the fuck am I supposed to call you?
- Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
- Jay: Boo boo kitty fuck?
- Justice: That's... a start.
- Holden: Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal... Bong.
- Assistant Director(GWH 2): Okay, you two. Just stand there, and react. Don't say anything!
- [Points to Silent Bob]
- Assistant Director(GWH 2): Especially you.
- Jay: [to Silent Bob] That's pretty funny.
- Whillenholly: The C.L.I.T. is an offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
- Reg Hartner: Oh, you mean the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
- Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who fucked the pie!
- Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that fucking pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
- James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!
- Shannen Doherty: Fucking Miramax! Cut!
- Wes Craven: Shannen, I usually say cut.
- Shannen Doherty: A monkey? Wes? Jesus, you're not even trying anymore are you?
- Wes Craven: The Market research says that people love monkeys.
- [Jay and Silent Bob run in and grab the monkey]
- Jay: WE LOVE THIS MONKEY!
- [to a crew member]
- Jay: Do something.
- Wes Craven: See?
- Chaka: This movie is gonna make House Party look like House Party 2.
- Chaka's Production Assistant: Or House Party 3.
- Chaka: Shut the fuck up!
- Teen #1: Jay says you guys had a Star Wars themed wedding, and you tied the knot dressed as Storm Troopers.
- Teen #2: Yeah, and he says you're the bitch and you're the butch.
- Dante Hicks: I'm the BITCH?
- Randal Graves: Well, if we were gay, that's certainly the way I'd see it.
- Dante Hicks: Will you shut up!
- Teen #1: [to Teen #2] Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over.
- [James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs are being arrested by mistake]
- James Van Der Beek: You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch The WB?
- Jason Biggs: I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me. I'm the pie fucker.
- Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: [to his buddies] Yeah, well. In prison, he'll be the pie.
- Jay: Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?
- [first lines]
- Silent Bob's Mother: Bobby Boy, stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, kay? Here, this will keep the sun out of your eyes.
- [puts a baseball cap on his head backwards]
- Silent Bob's Mother: You be good, now.
- [walks in store, then Jay and his Mom arrive]
- Jay's Mother: Alright, don't you fuckin' move you little shit machine. Your Momma's going to try to score.
- Passerby: What the hell? 'Scuse me. Who's watching these babies?
- Jay's Mother: Uh... the fat one's watchin the little one?
- Passerby: Oh yeah, nice parenting. Leave 'em out here like that and see what happens.
- Jay's Mother: YO, FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING SQUARE!
- Passerby: Oh yeah, keep on truckin'!
- Jay's Mother: [to infant Jay] Did ya hear that fuckin' guy tellin' me how to fuckin' raise ya? What a motherfucker, man! Who the fuck does that fuckin' guy think he is? What's the worst fuckin' thing that can fuckin' happen to ya just standing outside a fuckin' store, right? Fuck!
- [Jay's mother walks into the record store, leaving infant Jay and Silent Bob in their strollers]
- Baby Jay: [his first words] Fuck... fuck... fuck... fuck...
- [Bluntman and Cock-Knocker are fighting with bongsabers]
- Chaka: I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.
- Jay: So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made!
- Holden: Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that?
- [Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera]
- James Van Der Beek: [about "Dawson's Creek"] You actually watch that show?
- Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
- James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time...
- Clark: [during filming for Good Will Hunting 2] You're just no longer any good, Will Hunting. Now how do *you* like *them apples*?
- Ben Affleck: [in huddle with Damon] I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. What are we gonna do?
- Matt Damon: Chucky, it's hunting season.
- [Will pulls out his shotgun and blows the guy away]
- Ben Affleck: Applesauce. Bitch.
- [regarding the Bluntman and Chronic movie]
- Randal Graves: That was definitely worse than "Clash of the Titans."
- Dante Hicks: I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
- Randal Graves: Remind me to renew that restraining order.
- Dante Hicks: Why?
- Randal Graves: Because I'm going to blast that flick on the internet tonight.