Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)
Liza Weil: Paris Geller
Photos
Quotes
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Paris : I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face.
Rory : Oh, Paris.
Paris : It seems that I was allergic to the crap metal hoop that I paid $19.95 to have jammed into my nose.
Louise : Did you take a picture?
Paris : No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced.
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Paris : Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red.
Madeline Lynn : I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.
Louise : She was being sarcastic.
Madeline Lynn : Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.
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Marty : Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result.
[notices Anna]
Marty : Hey.
Rory : This is Anna.
Marty : [gasps excitedly] Did Paris move?
Paris : [from behind] I'm right here, Marty.
Marty : I know, Paris.
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Madeline Lynn : Judy Garland is trendy?
Paris : Completely.
Louise : She was neo-addict retro chic.
Madeline Lynn : No one tells me these things.
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[on Paris's relationship with Asher Fleming]
Paris : I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.
Rory : This is not May-December, this is May - Ming Dynasty.
Paris : An age difference like this is very common. People dating people the same age are passe now.
Rory : My grandfather introduced you to him. Do you see how awkward this is for me?
Paris : Well, hot men tend to run in packs.
Rory : Do not ever say anything like that again.
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Paris : Well, the worst that can happen is that I spend some time in your town and suddenly have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair.
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Paris : I can't do this.
Rory : What?
Paris : Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.
Rory : Not true.
Paris : I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
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Paris : I didn't get into Harvard. I had SEX, but I didn't get into Harvard. If you had asked me last year which I thought was more likely, it WOULD NOT have been not getting into Harvard.
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Paris : So I told her, 'Look, Missy - '
Rory : You called your advisor 'Missy?'
Paris : It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP Calculus from Henneman. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and Henneman went to Berkeley. Berkeley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I look down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in this shoe box of an office eating a banana all day by herself and I almost felt sorry for her. But then she questioned my judgment about Berkeley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
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Paris : For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like 'how' and 'why' and 'Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end.' will immediately fly out of people's mouths.
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Rory : So I was thinking that maybe we could move it from this Saturday to next Saturday?
Paris : Okay.
Madeline Lynn : What did she say?
Louise : What did you say?
Paris : I said okay.
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Paris : Pack up the chastity belt, Gilmore. You're going to Harvard.
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Paris : Gandalf the Grey is still falling down that hole; it's a big hole!
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Paris : Ladies, thank you for seeing me. I know you're busy with work and have families to get home to, so I really appreciate your courtesy, and I'll make it brief. Having Grad Night on a yacht is the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain told the people of England, "Hey, don't worry about Hitler. He's a stand-up chap." Forget the inconvenience of being at sea with guests unable to leave if the party is dull or if the band, which will inevitably be composed of accountants with semi-mullets, decides to do a half-hour tribute to Kenny G. The seasickness factor alone, abetted by snuck-in flasks and badly cooked food, could lead to an epidemic, which may lead to lawsuits the school could ill afford. These points conclusively call for a change in venue to a hotel ballroom, a restaurant facility, several of which I've already called. Here are the results of my research. I've also included a list of maritime disasters from the past fifty years - capsizings, onboard fires, et cetera - and trust me, it'll put you off your lunch. Thank you for your time and cooperation.
[leaves]
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Paris : [talking to her maid in Portuguese about eating at Rory's] Mucho Mac n' cheese!
