Gilmore Girls (2000–2007)
Scott Patterson: Luke Danes
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Quotes
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[Luke and Lorelai's first real date; they have just read a long story on the back of a menu, hence the menu line]
Lorelai : Hey, do you remember the first time we met?
Luke : What?
Lorelai : I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke : [nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...
Lorelai : Ooh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke : This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.
Lorelai : [happily] Ooh, it's me.
Luke : I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying - sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai : Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.
Luke : She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.
Lorelai : God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?
Luke : So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written 'You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.' I gave her coffee.
Lorelai : [grins] But she didn't go away.
Luke : She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me -
[takes a piece of paper from his wallet and gives it to her]
Luke : one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai : [teasing] Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee
[reads it, grows serious]
Lorelai : Um... I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet?
[sees his face]
Lorelai : You kept this in your wallet.
Luke : Eight years.
Lorelai : [emotionally] Eight years.
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Luke : I don't even like kids. They always have jam on their hands. Even when there isn't any jam in the house, they get jam on their hands. I can't deal with jam hands.
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Lorelai : Well, I can't take it back to Yale.
Luke : I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Lorelai : Well, then I'm stuck here.
Luke : Fine, because I need my truck back.
Lorelai : Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
Luke : I'm not taking the mattress.
Lorelai : Then let me take the truck.
Luke : But that means you take the mattress.
Lorelai : I can't take the mattress.
Luke : Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai : But that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke : If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
Lorelai : I can't take the mattress.
Luke : Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai : And that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke : We've been here before.
Lorelai : I recognize that tree.
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Jess : Hi.
Rory : Hey.
Jess : Hi.
Lorelai : Hi.
Jess : Hi.
Luke : Hi.
Rory : I have to get to school.
Jess : Yeah, me too.
Rory : Bye
Jess : Bye. Bye.
Lorelai : Bye.
Rory : Bye.
Lorelai : Bye.
Rory : Bye.
Luke : Bye.
[Jess and Rory leave]
Luke : What the hell was that?
Lorelai : That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
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[Luke thinks Lorelai is still dating Jason even though he, Luke, has 'made his intentions clear']
Luke : I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.
Lorelai : I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!
Luke : You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!
Lorelai : I loved the flowers!
Luke : And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.
Lorelai : There was! There was a moment.
[Luke looks at her and then moves closer]
Lorelai : What are you doing?
Luke : Will you just stand still?
[he gathers her in his arms and they kiss. Lorelai moves away, and then steps closer to Luke]
Luke : What are you doing?
Lorelai : Will you just stand still?
[they kiss again]
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Lorelai : Lately I've been having these dark premonitions.
Rory : About what?
Luke : [handing Rory and Lorelai their food] Dead cow... and dead cow.
Lorelai : That's weird.
Rory : He's always weird.
Lorelai : No, I mean my premonitions have been about death... about *my* death.
Rory : I don't want to hear this!
Lorelai : And the thing is, they're all silly.
Rory : What do you mean silly?
Lorelai : In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.
Rory : Silly and fattening.
Lorelai : In another, a turtle eats me.
Rory : A turtle? How?
Lorelai : Very slowly. There's *lots* of chewing.
Rory : And in your premonition you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on earth?
Lorelai : His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.
Rory : Well, you left that part out.
Lorelai : This last one's a little more gory. I'm hunting...
Rory : [interrupts] A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime.
Lorelai : ...and my shotgun backfires. My whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.
Rory : That's the silliest one yet!
Lorelai : Now if that's how I go, you have to promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak.
Rory : I should really be writing this down.
Lorelai : You can remember to move my face to the front of my head.
Rory : It depends on what I have going on that week.
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Luke : [Luke is buying self-help books but doesn't want Andrew to see them] What are you doing?
Andrew : I have to ring them up.
Luke : I ' ll just tell you the prices. This one is... $24.99.
Andrew : That high?
Luke : They're your prices!
Andrew : Can I just see the book?
Luke : I'm reading you the book. It says right here.
[looks at the price again]
Luke : Oh, wait - that's the Canadian price. $14.99.
Andrew : Will you just let me scan the book?
Luke : When you scan the book, do you see the title?
Andrew : Yes.
Luke : Then no.
Andrew : Luke, come on! What do you got there, porn?
Luke : You sell porn?
Andrew : No!
Luke : You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
Andrew : I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
Luke : [hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.
Andrew : A hundred bucks? That's way too much!
Luke : Take it.
[he leaves, then comes back in]
Luke : Bag.
[Andrew hands him one, he leaves again]
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[Luke is trying to subtly flirt with Lorelai at his diner]
Luke : Those jeans are really working for you.
Lorelai : Yeah?
Luke : They're working for me, too.
Lorelai : You're flirting with me.
Luke : Something like that.
Lorelai : Finally. Do it some more.
Luke : Your shoes work well with that... shirt.
Lorelai : Gee, Carson, thanks.
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[Lorelai is rejoicing over being able to go down to Luke's diner and get pie whenever she wants]
Lorelai : Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter.
Luke : I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Lorelai : Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.
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Lorelai : [after talking to her mother on her cell phone] *Your* fault.
Luke : How is that *my* fault?
Lorelai : Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting so I wasn't thinking and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered! Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.
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Luke : Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
Lorelai : You did?
Luke : Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
Lorelai : Oh good.
Luke : Yup.
Lorelai : You know, they're together now.
Luke : What?
Lorelai : Oh yeah. 'I have to get a part for my car', 'I'm going to go study' - that's kid code for 'Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.'
Luke : You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that... damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.
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Luke : I'm different, I'm a loner.
Lorelai : Oh no. No no. I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner.
Luke : Some guys are just naturally loners.
Lorelai : Yes, lonely guys.
Luke : Independent guys.
Lorelai : Sad guys.
Luke : Maverick guys.
Lorelai : Lee Harvey Oswald.
Luke : John Muir.
Lorelai : The unabomber.
Luke : Henry David Thoreau
Lorelai : Every one of these sad and lonely guys.
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Lorelai : Hey, Luke.
Luke : I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
Lorelai : Sure, yeah.
Rory : Ten minutes is great.
Luke : And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
Lorelai : And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
Luke : Can I finish my story?
Lorelai : I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
Luke : And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with Tess. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the Hummel.
Lorelai : The what?
Luke : Exactly.
[walks away]
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[Lorelai and Luke are discussing Rory and her new boyfriend Dean]
Lorelai : I have to make her understand that I'm okay with the guy thing. 'Cause not talking about guys and our personal lives - that's me and my mom. That is not me and Rory.
Luke : Are you okay with the guy thing?
Lorelai : Yes.
Luke : Really?
Lorelai : Okay-ish.
Luke : That's not okay.
Lorelai : That's okay with an "ish."
Luke : Whatever you say.
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Lorelai : Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit.
Luke : What deposit?
Lorelai : For the room.
Luke : What room?
Lorelai : For the thing, for the afterwards thing...
Luke : Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you?
Lorelai : Aren't you?
Luke : What?
Lorelai : Who?
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[At Richard and Emily's vow-renewal ceremony]
Lorelai : Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.
Luke : Nice to meet you.
Marilyn : You, too.
[pulls Lorelai aside]
Marilyn : Is he a gardener?
Lorelai : Um, no, he owns a diner.
Marilyn : Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now.
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Luke : Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no." And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no."
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Luke : [talking about a partner for the dance marathon] What about that one?
Lorelai : Mhm... No.
Luke : Why not?
Lorelai : Too pale.
Luke : So what?
Lorelai : Pale means sick.
Luke : Or sunscreen.
Lorelai : Or mad cow disease.
Luke : Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai : Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke : Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
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[Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired]
Lorelai : He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.
Luke : What are butt napkins?
Lorelai : Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket.
Luke : Hey, Bren?
Brennon Lewis : Yeah, boss?
Luke : Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?
Brennon Lewis : Yeah.
Luke : Don't.
Brennon Lewis : Okay.
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[many alarm clocks go off]
Lorelai : You are hilarious.
[Going down the stairs]
Lorelai : Okay, see, last night when I said to you: "Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven," what I actually meant was: "tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up seven, in case, when seven comes, I actually wanna get up." Which, as it happen, I didn't. Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.
Luke : No survivor?
Lorelai : The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation.
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Kirk : I have night terrors.
Luke : Night terrors?
Kirk : Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening, scary, out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house.
Luke : Jeez.
Kirk : I had to get out of the room before he got me, so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
Luke : Why?
Kirk : Because it was a bomb.
Luke : Of course.
Kirk : After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof...
Luke : Huh.
Kirk : Completely naked.
Luke : Aw, jeez!
Kirk : The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.
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[Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet]
Lorelai : Oh my God.
Luke : What?
Lorelai : Jimmy Buffett?
Luke : Put that back.
Lorelai : You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
Luke : I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
Lorelai : A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
Luke : Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
Lorelai : Sing Margaritaville.
Luke : No.
Jess : That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
Luke : Stay outta this.
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Lorelai : How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?
Luke : Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthrax in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep.
Lorelai : Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."
Luke : Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.
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[Luke and Lorelai arrive at Emily and Richard's vow renewal. Luke is already in his suit and complains that his pants are wrinkled]
Lorelai : Hey, stop being such a nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?
Luke : Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy?
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Luke : Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Russell : I will leave.
Luke : Okay, you ready?
Russell : Yes.
Luke : His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey...
Russell : Dewey.
Luke : Cheatham...
Russell : Cheatham.
Luke : And Howe.
Russell : Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.
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Luke : [Jess' beeper goes off when Luke visits him in his run-down apartment] What, are you a drug dealer now?
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Luke : When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show.
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Lorelai : Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy?
Luke : Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles.
Lorelai : Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?
Luke : What?
Lorelai : [sings] They're cousins, identical cousins...
Luke : Stop it.
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[Kirk is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. Luke is trying to give him his check]
Luke : You've been sitting there for two hours.
Kirk : I just want a little more coffee.
Luke : You've had eight refills.
Kirk : You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want.
Luke : I bet you know what I'm gonna say next.
Kirk : That we're not in France?
Luke : Give or take a profanity.
Kirk : Fine, I'll go. Can I have my check?
[Luke picks up the check already on the table and slams it down]
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Luke : Red meat kills, enjoy.
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Luke : Crazy people. Whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping pong tables and hand puppets.
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[Luke's deceased Uncle Louie is being buried with his prized possessions]
Luke : Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. For God's sake, he's even selfish in death. Other people would've loved to have had those baseball cards. I would've loved to have those baseball cards. He's got Lou Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others - but no. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him.
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Luke : [rushing to leave the diner so he can remove the chuppah from Lorelai's yard after she and Max break up] Hey, we're closing early! Chew it or lose it!
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Luke : Well, Taylor, I'm a two inch kinda guy.
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Luke : This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.
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Luke : I'm closing down the diner for a couple of weeks and taking Nicole on a little trip.
Rory : Fun.
Luke : We're driving through Western Canada and then taking a cruise up to Alaska.
Rory : A cruise?
Lorelai : Intimate.
Luke : I guess. Is it?
Lorelai : [singing] The Love Boat.
Luke : What?
Lorelai : A cruise is a good spot to get down on one knee.
Luke : And do my ventriloquist act?
