Bad Golf My Way (1994 Video)

Robert Donner: The Caddy

Quotes 

• Leslie Nielsen : Bob, in the spirit of good sportsmanship, will you lend a helping hand?

  The Caddy : Putt breaks left to right.

  Brad : I don't know what the hell you're trying to pull, pal. I know this green, it breaks right to left.

  The Caddy : Sorry, left to right.

  Brad : Right to left!

  Leslie Nielsen : Brad, is that your right, or is it his? Because if it's your right, then you're right. But if it's his, then left to right is right, right? I mean, if you're standing this way, then it is your right, but if you're standing this way, then left to right is right, right, Brad?

• The Caddy : [after Leslie Nielsen walk by in drag]  He's goin' to the woman's tee! He goes a little haywire now and then, thinks he's Lizzie Borden. He's got a steel plate in his head, ya know. Old war wound. Look, to keep this thing even, you can tee off from up there, too.

  [pulls a dress off the rack] 

  The Caddy : I got this little cocktail number here, and believe me, it's you.

  Brad : I'm not gonna wear a stupid dress!

  The Caddy : Okay, suit yourself, no skin off my nose.

  [puts dress back on the rack] 

  The Caddy : But humor him. He can get violent. I once saw him beat a professional wrestler to a pulp... with his PURSE.

• Brad : [Brad's ball went in the water]  I can't believe it. I can't believe it! I can't believe I hit my, GRRR! I hit it in the water!

  Leslie Nielsen : I can't believe I drove the green!

  [laughs] 

  Leslie Nielsen : And look, you almost, aww. Well, you'd have to be a very gifted golfer to get that ball out of there. I don't even think Jack Nicklaus could get that ball out.

  The Caddy : Would require monumental skill.

  Leslie Nielsen : Not just skill. It would take GENIUS. Now, you're a very gifted golfer yourself, Brad, but I don't think that you have the power to execute that shot. But, of course, if you can hit the ball and put it on the green, then go for the birdie and make it, then you might win the hole. But no, no, I think it would be impossible.

  Brad : Well, I don't know about that.

  Leslie Nielsen : If YOU can make THAT shot, that will go down as the greatest shot in golf history.

  Brad : Well get ready to see history made!

  [repeatedly swings at the water trap, not remotely coming close to touching the ball] 

• The Caddy : Time to apply the repellent.

  Leslie Nielsen : Great Scott, I forgot. This is the whole, isn't it? Yeah.

  [the Caddy sprays Leslie Nielsen] 

  Brad : What is that stuff?

  Leslie Nielsen : Dianastydethylene. You better go ahead and spray yourself, too. This is the only surefire protection against the Death's Head Tick.

  Brad : The what tick?

  Leslie Nielsen : The Death's- didn't you check the bulletin board back at the club? This is what they recommend. It's a small biting bug about the size of a period at the end of a sentence. Ioxides...

  The Caddy : Demeaney.

  Leslie Nielsen : Ioxides Demeaney. Under a microscope, the shape of its back is like a skull, which is why they call it the Death's Head Tick.

  Brad : Well isn't that great. They must have a wonderful time at Halloween!

  Leslie Nielsen : You don't have any repellent?

  Brad : No.

  Leslie Nielsen : Uh...?

  The Caddy : [shakes spray can]  Sorry, we're empty.

  Leslie Nielsen : We better skip the hole.

  Brad : Not on your life, pal. There's no way you're gonna be able to say this wasn't an official 18-hole match. You wanna quit, you forfeit the match, you lose the bet.

  Leslie Nielsen : Hey, look, look. You go right ahead. We're the ones who are protected, you're not.

  Brad : ...What happens when one of these things bites you?

  Leslie Nielsen : It's on the bulletin board back at the clubhouse: High fever, seizures, paralysis, gangrene, short term memory loss. They even suspect that the tick is a carrier of leprosy.

  [pause] 

  Leslie Nielsen : Just a minute, hold on. Now...

  [points to a tree] 

  Leslie Nielsen : Right up there, by that tall tree?

  Brad : Where?

  Leslie Nielsen : Just to the left of it. You see that little dark cloud? That's a tick swarm. Right up there.

  Brad : I don't see it.

  Leslie Nielsen : Just to the right hand side of the tall tree.

  [the Caddy sticks a leaf in Brad's ear] 

  Brad : Aah! Something...

  Leslie Nielsen : What is it?

  Brad : ...in the ear!

  The Caddy : [waving the leafy stick wildly]  There was a SWARM of them, right by his head!

  Brad : In my ear!

  Leslie Nielsen : That would be the worst place to get one of those ticks, in that ear canal.

  [to The Caddy] 

  Leslie Nielsen : Are you sure?

  The Caddy : Positive.

  Leslie Nielsen : Well that, that does it. We'll skip the hole.

  Brad : Oh no, you don't. I'll... tee off from the blues.

• Leslie Nielsen : You call ahead about the mongoose?

  The Caddy : Yeah, it'll be waiting for us at the green. We can feed it then.

  Leslie Nielsen : Well, we BETTER. We shoulda fed it an hour ago! I hope nobody's fiddling with that cage. You remember what happened in Florida.

  The Caddy : Oh yeah.

  [to Brad] 

  The Caddy : There was BLOOD all over.

  Brad : [skeptical]  Mongoose?

  Leslie Nielsen : Yeah, fastest animal in the world. We use it to kill snakes. Like a cross between a Tasmanian Devil and a wolverine. You know about a wolverine: It'll take food from a lion. It's got jaws on it like a hyena, it can crush bone. It goes straight for the jugular vein all the time, it's so fast. They call it the "merciful killer". They're SO fast, that it's over before you know what hit you.