The Big Kahuna (1999)

Danny DeVito: Phil Cooper

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Quotes 

• Phil Cooper : A man hasn't any idea what his soul looks like until he gazes into the eyes for the woman that he's married to. And then, if he's any kind of decent human being, he spends the next couple of days throwing up. Because no honest man can stand that image.

• Phil Cooper : There's something I wanna say to you. And I want you to listen very closely because it's very important. The man we just chased from here...

  Bob Walker : We didn't chase anybody.

  Phil Cooper : The man who just left the room a moment ago is a very good friend of mine. Is it because I've known him for a long time? Well, there are a lot of people who I've known for quite a while. And some of them I wouldn't let wipe my dog's ass. Others I can take or leave. They don't matter to me. But Larry matters very much, the reason being, I can trust him. I know I can trust him. He's honest.

  Bob Walker : Is he honest, or is he just blunt?

  Phil Cooper : He's honest, Bob. He's blunt as well. That sometimes is part of being honest, because there are a lot of people who are blunt but not honest. Larry is not one of those. Larry is an honest man. You, too, are an honest man, Bob. I believe that somewhere deep down inside of you is something that strives to be honest. The question that you have to ask yourself is, "Has it touched the whole of my life?"

  Bob Walker : What does that mean?

  Phil Cooper : That means that you preaching Jesus is no different than Larry or anybody else preaching lubricants. It doesn't matter whether you're selling Jesus or Buddha or civil rights or how to make money in real estate with no money down. That doesn't make you a human being. It makes you a marketing rep. If you wanna talk to somebody honestly, as a human being, ask him about his kids. Find out what his dreams are, just to find out, for no other reason. Because as soon as you lay your hands on a conversation, to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore. It's a pitch, and you're not a human being. You're a marketing rep.

  Bob Walker : Forgive me if I respectfully disagree.

  Phil Cooper : We were talking before about character. You were asking me about character. We were speaking of faces, but the question is much deeper than that. The question is do you have any character at all? And if you want my honest opinion, Bob, you do not, for the simple reason that you don't regret anything yet.

  Bob Walker : You're saying I won't have any character unless I do something I regret?

  Phil Cooper : No, Bob. I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret. You just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you've done and you wish that you had it to do over, but you know you can't because it's too late. So you pick that thing up and you carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don't matter in the end. Then you will attain character because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself all across your face. Until that day, however, you cannot expect to go beyond a certain point.

  Bob Walker : [sighs]  May I go now?

  Phil Cooper : Go ahead.

  Bob Walker : Thank you.

  [Exits] 

  Phil Cooper : Good night.

• [last lines] 

  Phil Cooper : [speaking on the phone]  Hello?

  [pause] 

  Phil Cooper : No, you, you just missed him.

  [pause] 

  Phil Cooper : What's that?

  [pause] 

  Phil Cooper : I love you too.

  [pause] 

  Phil Cooper : Yeah.

• Larry Mann : Do I strike you as a particularly religious man, Phil?

  Phil Cooper : Not even the slightest.

  Larry Mann : Then why am I seized with a sudden overwhelming desire to pray?

• [first lines] 

  Phil Cooper : [voice-over]  No answer.

  Bob Walker : [voice-over]  She must be out shopping.

  Phil Cooper : [voice-over]  God forbid.