The Mating Habits of the Earthbound Human (1999)

David Hyde Pierce: Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : [at the movies]  Human females enjoy stories about one person dying slowly. The males prefer stories of many people dying quickly.

• Narrator : The mating habits of the earthbound human. From meeting in a bar, to conceiving on a floor, to proposing in an abortion clinic, so it goes with all earthbound humans. WIth a mating ritual so complex and intricate that their mere survival defies all logic, one can only feel for them a sense of respect and admiration. So let's not blow up their planet after all.

• Narrator : [at a club, paying a bouncer the cover charge]  The male gives the Great Warrior sheaths of thin, green tree bark hoping that the color will satisfy the Great Warrior and he will allow the male to enter. The Great Warrior is pleased. He places a symbol of ink upon the male's hand, proof to the world that the male is ready to mate.

• Narrator : [the female is dancing at a club]  To prepare for mating, she sways her hips and flails her behind in an attempt to dislodge her egg from her uterus.

• Narrator : [the male is using a computer mouse]  He plays with a toy named after one of the small rodents of his planet. He presses his fingers against the rodent's buttocks and gently taps upon its cheeks. Still, he prefers the female of his own species.

• Narrator : [the female performs oral sex on the male]  The female attempts to swallow the male's seed for only through the sense of taste can she know that his seed is healthy and will produce a strong child.

  The Male : Oh God! Oh God!

  Narrator : The male prays to his deity to make his seed strong and healthy.

• Narrator : Of all the creatures in the universe, none possess the mating ritual as complex, as perverse, as tragically beautiful as the earthbound human. More passionate than the Orktamus of Centali Five, more neurotic than the Sleekanda of Sleewa, it is a wonder that these furry creatures have not gone extinct millenia ago. But in spite of their self-inflicted paradox, their numbers grow at a rapid pace, over-consuming their tiny planet. For it is from these creatures that we have acquired the universal expression "fuck like people."

• Narrator : Males of the pack sense the progression of the mating dance as well.

  The Male's Friend : Fucked her?

  The Male : Fucked her.

  The Male's Friend : Cool.

• Narrator : The female prepares carefully for her next encounter with the male. She paints her face with berries and chemically processed colors, hiding from the male her natural state, which she hopes to show him at a later time. She uses chemically-altered forms of vegetation to cover parts of her body. Then other forms of vegetation over those. She leaves much of her body uncovered, but is careful to cover the first layer of vegetation. She puts the excretions of small, sea-dwelling creatures through holes in the lobes of her hearing organs, which she had mutilated long ago as a symbol of her entry into womanhood. She pulls a bone out of her skull. She is ready.

• Narrator : [the male performs oral sex on the female]  As mating grows ever nearer, the male uses his tongue to explore the female's womb, clearing the passageway of any debris so that the infant will have an easy voyage into their world.

  The Female : Oh, God! Oh God!

  Narrator : It is painful for her, but for the good of their child, she makes the sacrifice.

• Narrator : He makes his way to the long, elevated surface where he will consume small amounts of fermented grain in the hopes that it will make him more appealing to a potential mate. In fact, it has the opposite effect. The fermented grain makes all females more appealing to him.

• The Male's Friend : You just met her last night. If you call her now, you'll scare her off.

  The Male : Oh come on, man. I don't play those games.

  The Male's Friend : Don't do it, man. She'll think you want her.

  The Male : I do want her.

  The Male's Friend : I know, but if she thinks that, she'll find somebody else.

  The Male : Someone who doesn't want her?

  The Male's Friend : Someone cool.

  The Male : Oh, but I'm not cool.

  The Male's Friend : Exactly. That's why you got to wait a few days before you call her. And when you do ask her out, act like you're doing *her* a favor, you know? Like you don't give a damn if she says yes or no 'cause you got all these other chickadees waiting for you.

  The Male : And that'll impress her?

  The Male's Friend : Right into the sack.

  Narrator : Please do not adjust your universal translator. We are not experiencing technical difficulties. This is a human thing. It makes no sense to us either.

  The Male's Friend : Heed my words, Grasshopper. Be patient. Be a champion.

  The Male : You know, Jimmy, it occurs to me that I haven't seen you with a woman in about three years.

  The Male's Friend : Right. That's because I always phone them the very next morning.

• Narrator : The female is ready. But she must wait for the male to figure this out on his own. She can emit no odor to help him. In fact, to do so would be disastrous.

• Narrator : The male and female feed on a meal of dead earth creature and vegetation.

• Narrator : They force him to consume large amounts of fermented grain in an attempt to kill him. Unwilling to mate, he is no longer of any use to their species.

• Narrator : The male tries to validate his existence and prove he doesn't need a female to mate. He attempts to devolve into a hermaphrodite and give birth to offspring on his own.

  [male character vomits] 

  Narrator : For the male, this will prove ultimately unfulfilling. Although genetically equipped to deliver the placenta...

  [more vomiting] 

  Narrator : he is unable to produce the infant itself.

• Narrator : [the male and female are laughing together after just meeting]  The female exhales rapidly to show that her lungs are strong and she can bear many children. The male exhales rapidly as well to show that he has endurance and can impregnate her many times over.

• Narrator : [the male searches the pockets of his dry-cleaned blazer hoping to find the female's phone number]  The male searches through his animal skins. Perhaps the female is inside.

  [the male pulls out the destroyed remains of the napkin with the female's number] 

  Narrator : Blinded by his need to procreate, the male shows some lint to the other member of the pack. "Is this the female I seek?" he asks.

  The Male's Friend : Yep, you're an asshole.

  Narrator : "No, it is not," responds the other.

• The Male : Can I get your number?

  The Female : I was wondering when you were gonna ask.

  Narrator : The female scratches numerical symbols onto a thin white sheath of tree bark hoping the design will please the male.

  The Male : Great!

  Narrator : The male is pleased with the design! To him, it is the prettiest of all pictures.

• Narrator : The male has a much more arduous task. He must appear strong to the female, so strong that he doesn't care how he appears. It is this appearance he must strive for. He uses a hydrogen and oxygen mixture with some animal fat to remove the planet's nourishment from his body. He debates over removing the fur from his face with an artificial tooth of steel. He ponders this for a long time before deciding to keep the fur as a display of his masculinity... then changes his mind again. Meticulously, he combs his hair, making certain that it appears uncombed. He covers his body with the same vegetation as the female, then his upper torso with the hair of one creature, and that with the hide of another. Now, he is ready.

  The Male : I shouldn't have shaved.

• Narrator : [the female discovers the male sent flowers to her office]  A gift from the male.

  The Female : He didn't!

  Narrator : Raw vegetation for the female to eat so she may keep up her strength for motherhood.

• Narrator : [about human intercourse]  It is difficult for them, causing them pain and anguish. But for the good of their species, they endure.

• Narrator : [At a clinic, getting tested for AIDS]  As true mating grows ever nearer, the male seeks medical advice from the large female. Instead, she sticks him with needles and sucks out his blood. "What a bitch," thinks the male.

• Narrator : She allows him to taste of the infant's milk checking for poisons or impurities on behalf of the child.

• The Female : [giving birth]  Get away from me, you bastard! "I'll pull out" my ass! Fuck you! Fuckin' prick!

  Narrator : And at long last, the female experiences the joy and pleasure of birth.

  The Female : Oh GOD!

  Narrator : It is a euphoric experience for her. Having had to suffer the pain of orgasm, she is now entitled to reap nature's reward.

  The Female : Fuckin' piece of shit!

  Narrator : It is a state of ecstacy the male will never enjoy.