- Jam: Hey what's up mom? I'm gonna ask you this nicely first. Can I have my drumsticks back?
- Mrs. Bruce: Your drumsticks are the least of your worries young man. You ran out on God! My son just ran out on God! You are in a world of...
- Jam: TROUBLE! HA HA HA! I've been in trouble for the past 12 hours! HELLO? You know I'm going to be in St. Bernards Boarding School for the next 2 years of my life, remember?
- Mrs. Bruce: YES!
- Jam: I am going to be out of your hair until I am a legal adult!
- Mrs. Bruce: YES!
- Jam: Then all you have to do is go to church, light a candle, and pray to some stupid little statue for me and all is forgiven and forgotten, right mom? Then you can spend your days in a guilt free pursuit of more constructive activities like telling everybody ELSE how screwed up THEIR lives are. And then you no longer need the patience and understanding required to talk to your own son on some normal plain. And then that way you don't have to think about how tough it was for you when you were growing up and its probably a good thing too cause if you did, you'd realize what a lousy, goddamn shitty-ass parent you are!
- Mrs. Bruce: Jeremiah... what has gotten into you?
- Jam: [Yells over bullhorn to crowd of church-goers] I JUST LOST MY VIRGINITY IN A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH! LORD... HAVE... MERCY! Now, for the last time... Mom... Give me back my FUCKING drumsticks...
- [long pause]
- Jam: please.
- [Trip is kicking the walls of the washroom]
- Lex: Take it easy man. This is the girls crapper, remember?
- Trip: Aw, wake up Lex! We just watched Jam's mom torch our fucking KISS tickets man! Not REO Speedwagon, not Journey, not The Bay City Rollers. KISS, man! If you can think of a better reason to trash a girl's bathroom I'd sure like to hear it.
- Mrs. Bruce: God forbid one day you have a son like you, Jeremiah. A boy who lies through his teeth, buys demonic records, and smokes the dope!
- Chongo: This guy giving you shit, bro?
- Little Kid: Yeah, he was going to mug me for my KISS ticket.
- Trip: What! That's insane, I said "Hey, little kid, you know where I could take a piss?"
- Hawk: Yeah, we're here to take out friend Jam here to the big, satanic KISS concert, if that's okay with you.
- Father Phillip McNulty: Satan? Satan? Santa. They're the same letters... they're the same guy!
- Scalper: Check it out, man. The question you gotta ask yourself is how badly do you wanna see the greatest fucking rock and roll show on the fucking Earth, right? We're talking about Gene and Paul live, dog! I'm talking about the most voluptuous women hanging out in the audience. I'm talking big breasteses, and tight vesteses, my friend! You're talking people passing around joints in the audience. You're talking about fuckin' Detroit Rock City, brother.
- [points to strip club]
- Scalper: Shake your wee-wee!
- Guido: Have you learned your lesson yet, puke?
- Hawk: If the lesson is you're a dick with ears and a really bad haircut, I'd say yeah. I've learned my lesson.
- Father Phillip McNulty: I've been giving that sermon for years and I never realised that its the work of some comedy mastermind. The Prodigal Son is a barrel of fucking monkeys.
- Hawk: How's it hanging, Padre?
- Father Phillip McNulty: Whoa, I just heard you talking through my nose. Is it possible my nose has ear drums?... Nose drums!
- Lex: Hey, thanks for letting us use your make-up supply. You must have the entire Revlon factory in your purse, you greasy disco ball!
- Lex: [Voices, and Faces inside Trip's head as He contemplates robbing a store] I can't believe you're thinking of robbing a store, Trip. I mean, You don't pass go, and collect 200 Dollars for pulling Stuff like this, Man.
- Hawk: No shit, Man, is this really worth it? Still, You're gonna get Your ass kicked nine ways to Sunday by that fucking Gorilla, but I guess it's still a Hundred Times better than getting it Porked for the next Three to Five, right?
- Jam: What about that Girl Trip, She'll never forget this Night. Even if You got away with it, She'll be Scarred for Life, I mean, when are You gonna realize some Day, that being Tough, means being Tender?
- Trip: [Aloud] Alright everybody, just Shut up!
- [All the Customers look at Trip questionably, as Trip fakes a Cough]
- Mrs. Bruce: [to Jam] It is about time, that you gave up that STUPID dream of yours, once and for all! No son of mine is gonna be a career musician... ever, ever, EVER!
- Mrs. Bruce: Where's Karen Carpenter?
- Jam: How would I know?
- Mrs. Bruce: Do you have Donny and Marie, too?
- Jam: *Why* would I have Donny and Marie?
- Hawk: Will you guys quit the mom-bashing? I mean, look, look, Lex's mom is cool because she lets us spend the night, and if it wasn't for your mom, Trip, we wouldn't have smoked that fine Panama Red last night! So, leave the women who gave you life out of it, they're both cool in my book.
- Father Phillip McNulty: [Hawk is dressed as the pizza boy] I'm donating your tip to the church. The Lord thinks you.
- Hawk: Tell the Big Guy not to mention it.
- Jam: [Jam meets Beth in the confessional booth] Beth? Are you waiting for a confession? I thought you were Jewish?
- Christine: Okay, dope-burnout, let's get one thing straight, here. As far as I'm concerned, good tunes is good tunes. Be it disco or rock, or polka, or whatever have you, regardless of the category. Disco is just easier to dance to.
- Beefy Jerk #1: [Lex is about to leave] Hey! What about the fucking dogs?
- Lex: You got a phone in there, man?
- Beefy Jerk #1: Yeah.
- Lex: Call the cops.
- Trip: Whoa, man. I just had the killer-est vision, man. Imagine Mystery, openin' up for KISS, man.
- Lex: Oh, that'd be fuckin' IT, man!
- Trip: It could happen, man. it could happen!
- Jam: You know, in '73, KISS was opening for Blue Oyster Cult. One year later, to the day, man, Blue Oyster Cult was opening for KISS.
- Lex: Yeah, well, we're not gonna be openin' for anyone until our lead singer gets over his stage fright.
- Hawk: [scoffs] Man, I don't have fucking stage fright, man!
- Lex: Then why'd you pass out at Bing's party before the first fucking song?
- Hawk: That was one show, man!
- Lex: Yeah, that was our only show, and you dropped like a dead deer on us!
- Hawk: Shut up, man.
- [a Little Boy is playing pinball]
- Trip: Hey!
- Little Kid: Shit! You just stole my last ball you...
- Trip: Scream and I'll kick your head off.
- Trip: So who did your wardrobe? A band of preppy sailboat captains?
- Jam: Hey, my mom had me over a barrel, alright? After what happened last night I had to let her *dress* me today!
- [Huffs]
- Jam: It's a give-and-take relationship.
- Lex: Yeah, she gives you shit, and you take it!
- Hawk: Jam, give me the tickets, man, I wanna hang on to them.
- Jam: The... tickets?
- Hawk: What?
- Jam: you see, there's a little, *little* problem with that. They're still at my house in Trip's jacket.
- Hawk: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- Jam: She was standing right over me while I was changing, for fuck's sake!
- Hawk: Jam, you are so pathetic, man!
- Trip: That is some sick shit right there! What, does she comb your ass hair for you too?
- Lex: Jam, if she even smells those tickets, she'll destroy 'em, and we get fucked outta seein' KISS for the third year in a row!
- Jam: They're fine, they're at my house, they're perfectly safe. We can go there right after school and pick 'em up. My mom's not even gonna be there!
- Trip: Dudes, hours from now, we're actually gonna be seein' KISS!
- Hawk: All right, man. We'll just double time it to your house, and grab the tickets before heading to the train station for the 3:45 to DETROIT... ROCK... CITY! GOD!
- [Bell rings]
- Hawk: Well, as they say in the tampon biz, see you next period.
- [slams locker door]
- Mrs. Bruce: You know what Kiss stands for, don't you?
- [hushed voice]
- Mrs. Bruce: 'Knights In Satan's Service!'
- Christine: You guys like Disco? Y'know, I teach disco dancing back at my church... you guys look like you got a little rhythm in your blood... free lessons if you let me go...
- Beefy Jerk #1: Oh, I know what dance we could do... 'The Horizontal Hustle'.
- [Door opens, Lex enters]
- Lex: Hey peanut-turds! I'm here for the girl and the car!
- Hawk: Jam! Just shut your faggoty-ass mouth! You're pissing me off! Now we came all this way and we've got absolutely nothing. So help me God, we are going to that concert.