Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998–2007)

Ryan Stiles: Self

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Quotes 

• Ryan Stiles : Damn rolling black-outs!

  [Wayne starts to roll on floor] 

  Ryan Stiles : No, not that kind.

• Ryan Stiles : [songs of the motorcycle]  Hi.

  Colin Mochrie : Hi...

  Ryan Stiles : How are you?

  Colin Mochrie : Fine...

  Ryan Stiles : We don't know what you're watching. So we're not going to tell you we're going to return you to it.

  Colin Mochrie : Oh we... we're watching animal porn!

  [realizes what said and covers his face briefly. Buzz] 

  Colin Mochrie : Mary Had a Little Lamb we'll be right back in just a second...

  Audience members : [Buzz. the audience members, Drew Wayne and Jeff start to laugh. Close up on Colin] 

  Colin Mochrie : I'm sorry, I apologize.

  Ryan Stiles : [laughing continues]  So happy, "We're watching animal porn!"

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Bad causes to raise money for.

  Ryan Stiles : Give Drew Carey a third show? Anyone?

  Colin Mochrie : Bathe the whales!

• Ryan Stiles : [after being told by the censor that they couldn't make fun of Hitler, the cast do a hoedown about directors]  Our director, he really is the boss / For yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss. / He's the meanest guy that you will ever see / He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany.

• Drew Carey : Bad places to find advertising.

  [Ryan pantomimes looking over Colin while he's peeing] 

  Drew Carey : Must not have had a lot to say...

  [audience boos] 

  Drew Carey : I regret saying that, because the next card says "Little known, but amazing facts about Drew Carey".

  Colin Mochrie : I have no sense of length.

  Wayne Brady : When I'm with a woman, I go "Wooooooooo!"

  Ryan Stiles : Did you know at first Drew Carey turned *down* the role of Geppetto?

• [Film Noir game, set in gas station] 

  Colin Mochrie : [voiceover]  He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin. It had taken me eight years to track him down to this gas station.

  [speaking] 

  Colin Mochrie : Jed? It's me, Phil.

  Ryan Stiles : [speaking]  I recognize the voice.

  [voiceover] 

  Ryan Stiles : As I was looking right up his dress, I knew who it was.

  [gets up, speaking] 

  Ryan Stiles : Long time, no see.

  Colin Mochrie : [voiceover]  Yeah. Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead.

  Ryan Stiles : [speaking]  What brings you by?

  Colin Mochrie : [speaking]  I came by for my part of the inheritance. Nice gas station you opened up.

  Ryan Stiles : [speaking]  Thanks.

  [voiceover] 

  Ryan Stiles : Apparently he'd forgotten why he was kicked out of town in the first place. The sheriff caught him giving his wife a lube job in late November. I wasn't going to bring it up again, I knew it was a touchy subject for him.

  [speaking] 

  Ryan Stiles : Haven't seen you since the lube job.

  Colin Mochrie : [speaking]  Hey! Come on! What the hell? Never mention that again!

• [quick change] 

  Ryan Stiles : You see this badge? That means I'm the sheriff.

  Wayne Brady : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : You see this thong?...

  [bursts out laughing] 

  Wayne Brady : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : You see these sandals? That means someone stole my boots.

• Drew Carey : Famous movie roles as played by Carol Channing

  Ryan Stiles : I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven shots or six? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this confusion, I forgotten myself. So you have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well do you, punk?

  Robin Williams : Well surely you must be the son of God!

  Ryan Stiles : I'm Spartacus!

• Drew Carey : If celebrities had been the first people to walk on the moon.

  Brad Sherwood : One small step for man, one giant leap for me, Brad Sherwood. How are ya?

  Drew Carey : [as Brad sets off-stage]  Sorry, I said... I said, "celebrities."

  Brad Sherwood : Oh, I'm sorry.

  [the audience groans, then he starts whining] 

  Brad Sherwood : That was mean!

  Wayne Brady : [as Michael Jackson, moonwalking]  Hooo!

  Colin Mochrie : Where's my car?

  Ryan Stiles : [as Carol Channing]  Well this is dry and barren as I am.

• [World's Worst Neighbor] 

  Ryan Stiles : Excuse me, I'm tapped into your cable. Would you mind changing it to channel 8?

• [Scenes from a hat] 

  Drew Carey : Okay. Let's start out with...

  [pulls out paper] 

  Drew Carey : No... no.

  [puts paper back and picks a new one] 

  Drew Carey : "Bad choices for pets."

  Brad Sherwood : Here velocipraptor! Here velo-

  [Colin comes and pretends to bite his neck] 

  Ryan Stiles : [whistles]  Where's my little tapeworm? Huh?

  Drew Carey : Okay.

  [clears throat] 

  Drew Carey : "Strange things to find in your bed."

  Wayne Brady : Colin?

  [Colin pops his head up] 

  Wayne Brady : Ahhhhhhh!

  Colin Mochrie : Teach me how to sing like you!

  Ryan Stiles : [Ryan pops his head up]  What's his problem?

  Colin Mochrie : I don't know!

  Drew Carey : Oh, okay. Uh, "dangerous things to do while you are naked."

  Brad Sherwood : Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbeque.

  Colin Mochrie : [sighs]  Okay.

  [Colin starts to pretend to throw chain saws into the air and juggle them] 

  Ryan Stiles : 5 minutes, Mr. President.

  Drew Carey : [laughs]  Okay.

  [reads card] 

  Drew Carey : Oh, boy. "Baby names that will someday get your child's ass kicked."

  Ryan Stiles : Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry?

  Colin Mochrie : Come here... Colin.

  [Wayne and Brad pretend to go beat him up] 

  Drew Carey : Okay. "Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey."

  Ryan Stiles : What kind of middle name is "Alison?"

  Drew Carey : "Things you wished you hadn't said to the president."

  Colin Mochrie : Sure, I'll be your intern.

  Brad Sherwood : [acts like he's holding out a tray]  Cigarette? Cigar? Anyone?

  Ryan Stiles : [as if getting married]  I do.

  Drew Carey : Hey! Don't go away! There'll be lots of more Whose Line right after this!

• [Ryan accidentally rammed his head into a light fixture] 

  Drew Carey : Hey, Ryan, how many fingers am I holding up?

  [Holds up fingers and constantly moves them] 

  Ryan Stiles : ...4?

  Drew Carey : [puts down his fingers]  Uh, close enough,

  Ryan Stiles : How about me?

  [flips Drew off, the audience laughs] 

  Ryan Stiles : There better be some extra points in this.

  Drew Carey : [points to broken glass on the front of the desk]  I'm sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass.

  Ryan Stiles : [points to glass, to Colin]  Was that lit?

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, yeah, it was. It'd be better if your head burst into flames.

• Ryan Stiles : [Narrate-Barbershop-about Colin]  I knew he wasn't here for a haircut. Though, if he was, it wasn't going to take that long.

• Drew Carey : I'd like to give a plug for Ryan's new show. It's a combination of "What's Happening," "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper," "The Outer Limits" and "The PJs." It's called "What's that Hangin' Out of Your PJs?"

  Ryan Stiles : Watch for it.

• Colin Mochrie : [Greatest Hits]  Y'now one time I saw a strong man bend a car at a circus-waitaminute! Bend a car! PAT BENATAR!

  Ryan Stiles : Okay, you've proved your point!

  Colin Mochrie : You're not the only master of segues!

• Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Things you do not want to hear your grandmother singing about.

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  Grandma likes to get freaky in the mornin', freaky at night! Freaky on the left...

  [buzz] 

  Greg Proops : [singing]  Grandpa doesn't touch me anymore!

  [buzz] 

  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Oh, I put rat poison in the Christmas dinner.

  [buzzer; extreme laughter from Wayne] 

  Ryan Stiles : [goes back up]  I like to be on top!

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Baby Drew's first words.

  Colin Mochrie : Colin's Bald!

  Wayne Brady : Hey Nurse, come on!

  Ryan Stiles : Pizza!

  Brad Sherwood : Show me them boobs! Come on!

• Drew Carey : [setting up "Weird Newscasters"]  Wayne, you're a redneck trying to hold on to his title at a greased pig competition. And Ryan...

  Ryan Stiles : ...Please don't say I'm the greased pig!

  Drew Carey : No, you're a first time mother going from conception to birth!

• Ryan Stiles : I don't like the Village People, think they're kinda rude. / Don't you know their lyrics can be kinda crude. / When it's on my stereo I always hit the mute, / But I'll have to admit, the Indian's kind of cute.

• Ryan Stiles : I wanna make a call, so I'll have to use a life line! I wanna call the mother of my baby, my sister Alicia. Are ya' there baby?

  Kathryn Greenwood : Yeah, I'm here, y'know I was just about to call you, my frilly underwear's missin' again!

  Ryan Stiles : Well, I ain't wearin' it!

  Kathryn Greenwood : Yeah, like hell y'ain't wearin' it! What d'ya want?

  Ryan Stiles : [in Southern accent]  Is it A, C, D, or D?

  Colin Mochrie : No, you stupid

  [imitates bleeping sound] 

  Colin Mochrie : , it's A, B, C, or D!

  Kathryn Greenwood : Well, I don't know which of them numbers it is, I'd say "C"!

  Ryan Stiles : Is that yer favorite number?

  Kathryn Greenwood : Yeah, baby, C's an all right number!

• Drew Carey : A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.

  Ryan Stiles : Of course, some of us needed a wide angle lens.

  Drew Carey : And some of us needed a zoom.

• Drew Carey : Naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the internet

  Wayne Brady : Hi, I'm Bea Arthur!

  Ryan Stiles : C-A-R-E-Y. Hmmm.

  Ryan Stiles : [Pretends to click away from the website. He then throws the computer out the window] 

  Drew Carey : Careful what you wish for Buddy...

• Ryan Stiles : [during "Greatest Hits: Songs of College"]  What comes to mind when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, tapioca!

  [the audience laughs] 

  Ryan Stiles : [surprised]  Really? Why's that?

  Colin Mochrie : Wasn't that his big song?

  [impersonating Ricky Ricardo] 

  Colin Mochrie : "Tapiooooooca! Tapiooooooca!"

  Ryan Stiles : [starting to laugh]  No, Colin...

  [starts laughing more] 

  Ryan Stiles : I'm talking about Cu...

  [starts laughing uncontrollably as the audience starts laughing too] 

  Ryan Stiles : I'm talking about Cuba, Colin...

  [he turns away as he starts laughing again] 

  Colin Mochrie : Cuba. It's a small island.

  Ryan Stiles : It is!

  [still laughing hard] 

  Ryan Stiles : Why don't you tell the people about it?...

  Colin Mochrie : Actually, we're just going to move away from Cuba for just a sec, and go to another island, an island where some of my favorite music is found-Scaa!

  Ryan Stiles : Like a bunch of crows! "Scaa!"

  Colin Mochrie : TAPIOCA!

  Colin Mochrie : Anyway they did a great college hit- "Ra, ra, ra- Scaa ra, ra!"

• Drew Carey : Occupations where breaking into song is discouraged.

  Ryan Stiles : [pantomimes putting Colin into the electric chair]  We're... gonna... Fry you this morning, fry you this morning!

  Wayne Brady : [goes up with Jeff]  I'm sorry, but your husband... Isn't gonna make it isn't gonna make it, no, ain't gonna make it, isn't gonna make it...

  Jeff Bryan Davis : [continuing]  Isn't gonna make it!

  Colin Mochrie : [mimes trapping himself in a box]  I'm a MIME!

• [after Colin's quirk of trying to figure out who's really a man and who's really a woman] 

  Drew Carey : [pulls out a can of Oust for Colin]  I have some disinfectant for your... .

  Wayne Brady : [acting as a little boy, to Kathy]  Mommy, will you show me tapes of when you used to do Whose Line?

  Kathryn Greenwood : [giggles and makes gestures of using a VCR remote]  Well, darling... .

  Drew Carey : That was amazing, Colin Mochrie.

  [audience cheers and applause] 

  Ryan Stiles : [calling off-stage]  Keith, I'm going to need two minutes.

  [everyone laughs] 

  Ryan Stiles : And I *mean* "two minutes"!

  Drew Carey : That was unbelievable!

  Wayne Brady : Let's hear it for Colin Mochrie!

  [starts a huge round of applause, then turns to Drew] 

  Wayne Brady : He's *so* gentle too!

  Colin Mochrie : [embarrassed]  Yeah.

  Drew Carey : So 1000 points to everybody *but* Colin, because I was sitting the entire time... waiting for you to come over...

  Ryan Stiles , Colin Mochrie : Ohhh.

  Colin Mochrie : [points at Drew and smiles]  There's no doubt about you, my friend.

  Drew Carey : [chuckles]  Yep, I'm all man.

• Colin Mochrie : [Playing the cranky old people version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?]  Here's your first question. Viagra...

  Ryan Stiles : Oh! I spent my honeymoon there.

  Colin Mochrie : Well there goes the first answer.

• Colin Mochrie : [at the desk]  Bad pick-up lines.

  Drew Carey : Hey, wanna see a picture of my penis?

  [buzzer] 

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, wanna see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?

  [buzzer] 

  Ryan Stiles : [laughter] 

• Brad Sherwood : There's nothing better than a 200-pound snatch, if you know what I mean.

  [everyone dissolves into laughter] 

  Ryan Stiles : That's never gonna make it to air, if you know what I mean.

  Drew Carey : You are a bad...

  Brad Sherwood : That is a weightlifting term!

  Ryan Stiles : Of course it is!

  Wayne Brady : This show brought to you by the Church of Latter-day Saints.

  Drew Carey : [to the TV audience]  Hey, kids, how come you're not in bed right now?

  Brad Sherwood : [quoting a parent]  This is the last time you get to watch that show.

  Ryan Stiles : [to Wayne]  If you know what I mean.

  Drew Carey : Well, two hundred pounds for each of you, and...

• Ryan Stiles : [Body odor Hoedown]  Anybody wanna have- wanna have a- go to the bathroom, come back in...

  [Sits down on the step] 

  Chip Esten : [Starts Yodeling] 

  Ryan Stiles : I'm faced out. I can't do shit.

  Drew Carey : I've got one.

  Ryan Stiles : Why don't you come over here and do one.

  Drew Carey : [singing through Ryan]  I went on a date last night, it didn't really end well. She said she wouldn't kiss me cause I had a weird smell. I said come on baby, why don't you have a heart, sure I may have B.O. but at least I didn't fart!

• [Game: Infomercial] 

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, what time is it?

  Colin Mochrie : I believe it's 3 o'clock.

  Ryan Stiles : And that means it's time to shop, shop, shop!

  [He slaps the table. Colin hurts himself while slapping the table] 

  Ryan Stiles : Hello, everyone! I'm Jimmy!

  Colin Mochrie : I'm... not.

  Ryan Stiles : And it's time to shop, shop, shop! Hey, can some of you see us out there?

  Ryan Stiles , Colin Mochrie : [move their arms up and down]  Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

  Ryan Stiles : How many of you are laying on the floor drunk right now?

  Colin Mochrie : It is time to stop! You and your liver need some help!

  Ryan Stiles : Give your liver a break! Liver let die!

  [laughter from audience] 

  Ryan Stiles : I think a lot of people would stop drinking if they knew what they looked like when they were drunk.

  Colin Mochrie : I think you're absolutely correct, Ryan!

  Ryan Stiles : But it's not always easy to find a mirror when you're drunk. Sometimes it's impossible. But, that's why we have this handy little device.

  [pulls out a balloon] 

  Ryan Stiles : You simply make a photo copy of your head... and paste it on this.

  [holds it still] 

  Ryan Stiles : This is what you look like sober.

  [knocks it to make it go back and forth] 

  Ryan Stiles : This is what you look like drunk.

  Colin Mochrie : Which would you rather be?

  Ryan Stiles , Colin Mochrie : Of course... of course, this is what you look like drunk in an earthquake.

  [Holds balloon still again] 

• [Party quirks] 

  Greg Proops : No. No! I'm just saying no to rugs.

  [doorbell] 

  Greg Proops : Come on in, Wayne! How's it going, man? W-welcome to the party.

  Wayne Brady : [as "Chicken With Attitude"]  Hmph.

  [walks in like a chicken and puffs up like saying "What you want"] 

  Greg Proops : Are you all right? You want some...

  Wayne Brady : ["No. Leave me alone!" kind of movement] 

  Greg Proops : Y-you want some corn or chips or something?

  [doorbell] 

  Greg Proops : I'm gonna...

  Wayne Brady : ["Answer the dang door!"] 

  Greg Proops : Woah, woah! I gotta get the door. Hello, Col. How are ya?

  Colin Mochrie : [as "A Person Who's Auditioning for Every Part in a Slasher Film"]  Here's my 8" by 10".

  Greg Proops : Uh... all right? Great.

  Colin Mochrie : All right? Here we go.

  [clears throat] 

  Colin Mochrie : Okay.

  [screams loudly] 

  Colin Mochrie : No, wait! I can do it better.

  [screams louder on higher pitch] 

  Colin Mochrie : No. I think maybe this part.

  [Covers hand over one eye and mimes stabbing someone while moaning] 

  Greg Proops : [doorbell]  Oh.

  [ducks under his arm] 

  Greg Proops : You have GOT to stop taking sudifed! Oh, hi Ryan! How are you?

  Ryan Stiles : [as "Excited by Ugliness and Looking for the Perfect Specimen"]  Great, how are you?

  Greg Proops : Fine.

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, thanks for inviting me. Can I meet your other guests?

  Greg Proops : Sure, no problem.

  [moves over to Wayne] 

  Greg Proops : This is a chicken. A funky chicken? No, he's not a chicken. A music chicken? He's a funky chicken? He's a chicken who thinks he's a rooster?

  Drew Carey : He's a chicken with an ATTITUDE.

  Greg Proops : Chicken with an attitude?

  [laughs] 

  Greg Proops : Ryan, have you met Colin. He's audtioning for a horror movie.

  Drew Carey : Every part in a horror movie.

  Greg Proops : [talking while Ryan, who's excited by ugliness in this role, is gazing at Drew Carey with facsination]  Listen... can I get you something? A glass of water or punch or something? Would you like a glass of punch or something?

  Ryan Stiles : Sure, Ryan.

  [pretends to spill invisible glass] 

  Ryan Stiles : Oops. I dropped it all over myself.

  [bends down to show Drew his butt] 

  Ryan Stiles : I believe I haven't met your other friend.

  Greg Proops : Oh, well this is Drew. He sits behind a desk and makes a lot more than us!

  [laughter from the audience] 

  Greg Proops : Hey, Drew. Have you met Ryan? He's trying to... seduce everyone he meets!

  Drew Carey : No.

  Greg Proops : He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? No? He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? He's a guy who's imagined that...

  Drew Carey : [interrupting]  Well, here he says that he's excited by UGLINESS!

• Drew Carey : If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.

  Ryan Stiles : Where did all the toilet paper gooo?

  Kathryn Greenwood : I love you sooooo much- oops I farted!

  Colin Mochrie : Hey! That's me with the booger in my nose! Booger in my nose!

  Wayne Brady : We made love at 5:06. I was done by 5:07!

  Colin Mochrie : Hey I didn't mean to cook your dog! But hey, those things just happen! My was just standin' there, and his little toes they started tapping! So I cut his throat, let go kick a goat, and then I put him on the barbeque!

  [Ryan pulls him offstage, end of game] 

  Drew Carey : And I put him on the barbecue!

• Ryan Stiles : [During "Press Conference", where Colin is Batman announcing he's coming out of the closet]  How does the partner feel about this?

  Colin Mochrie : Well, he is a little worried, since he relies on me for most of the income...

  [as the audience starts laughing, Colin pauses] 

  Colin Mochrie : I'm not sure, I may want to rephrase that later.

  [points at Brad, who has his hand up] 

  Colin Mochrie : Yes?

  Brad Sherwood : You might want to rephrase that now.

• Ryan Stiles : [after licking Colin's ear, Ryan ate a handful of Altoids]  My mouth's on fire. I put about 30 of them in.

  Drew Carey : You know, these mints are curiously strong when you pop all of them in your mouth at once.

  Ryan Stiles : Wow.

  Wayne Brady : He's gonna have great breath for, like, 20 years.

  Brad Sherwood : Finally.

  Drew Carey : [Ryan spat out the Altoids]  Now the poor stage guy's gotta pick them all up...

• Wayne Brady : Thank you for saving my husband.

  Ryan Stiles : Oh... you two are married?

  Colin Mochrie : It's nothing permanent.

• [Film Noir - Hardware Store] 

  Colin Mochrie : I need a hammer.

  Ryan Stiles : I knew he needed a hammer. He also needed a couple of nails and a good screw.

• Drew Carey : Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell.

  Ryan Stiles : [referring to last scene]  I'm Spartacus!

  Wayne Brady : Put me down!

  Robin Williams : Who's your daddy?

• [Hoedown - Surgery] 

  Ryan Stiles : My brother needed surgery, but we both were broke/I took him to a veterinarian, as a little joke/He didn't mind a bit. I didn't hear a peep/So I said, "What the hell?" and had him put to sleep.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Worlds worst subject for an interpretive dance.

  Ryan Stiles : [Makes wave movements with arms]  Diarrhea, flows like a river.

  Robin Williams : [crouches down]  Impotence is a horrifying thing!

  [Wayne comes in and straightens Robin up. They later hop back to their spots] 

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a Hat]  Heh heh. Th-things bald men are sick of hearing.

  Wayne Brady : [Goes up as does Colin. He folds his arms then Wayne hugs him. Colin walks off but Wayne motions him back on stage]  We need your head to bounce a laser of off to communicate with the satellite!

  Ryan Stiles : [Colin walks back but Ryan pushes him back on stage. He bends Colin's head down]  You're my only friend on this island.

  Wayne Brady : [He motions Colin back on stage]  No, I just had one! I don't wanna say anymore.

  Colin Mochrie : No, go on, it's comedy!

  Wayne Brady : Okay! Will Johnny take me to the prom?

  [Shakes Colin's head like a magic 8 ball] 

  Drew Carey : I'll stop it now for you.

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, thanks! Just in time.

  Drew Carey : I was just - suggestion there you know...

  Colin Mochrie : Yeah, stop at 10 I say!

• Drew Carey : "Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'".

  Ryan Stiles : Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?

  Brad Sherwood : Do you smell bacon?

  Colin Mochrie : Alright, now bend over and sneeze

  Ryan Stiles : Now, here's how you throw a curve.

  Brad Sherwood : Maybe I should turn up the heat in here...

  Wayne Brady : [Makes a clacking noise] 

• Drew Carey : Gifts the three wise men considered

  Wayne Brady : Mary, I give to you, a Playstation 2 for the child.

  Kathryn Greenwood : It's a Chia Pet!

  Ryan Stiles : [to Colin]  You can't give them a pork roast!

  Colin Mochrie : Water Skis.

  [Shrugs] 

  Wayne Brady : With these modivational tapes by Jack Robbins, your child will soar...

  Ryan Stiles : They call it... a thong.

• Ryan Stiles : How much would you pay for a 5-CD set like this? Or even a 50-CD set like this?

  Colin Mochrie : Why, I'd pay up to $50,000... but I'm an idiot!

  Ryan Stiles : And you're from Canada, so with the exchange...

  Colin Mochrie : I'm still an idiot!

• Drew Carey : 2,000 points to Ryan for his imitation of Bill Gates.

  Ryan Stiles : I'm micro-soft.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes From A Hat]  Inappropriate anecdotes on a celebrity talk show.

  Wayne Brady : [laughter]  ... no, so I left the body in the trunk, and everyone is like, "Ooh, what's that smell"?

  [buzz] 

  Colin Mochrie : ...so, things are tough, I'm a big ho. And...

  [buzz] 

  Colin Mochrie : I'm s...

  Robin Williams : ...so I said: "Get off me grandma, I'm done"!

  [buzz] 

  Wayne Brady : ...so, I'm looking through the window, and there's Robin and his grandmother, and I'm like...

  [buzz] 

  Ryan Stiles : So... anyway, long story short,

  [pointing at his wedding ring] 

  Ryan Stiles : this is the stone I passed!

• Drew Carey : The other Spice Girls.

  Brad Sherwood : [everyone comes out]  I'm Velcro Spice!

  Kathy Kinney : I'm Gravy Spice!

  Colin Mochrie : I'm Old Spice!

  Ryan Stiles : I'm Cilantro!

• Ryan Stiles : That disk just popped right back in!

  Chip Esten : I broke Ryan.

• Drew Carey : Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway, where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like everything else when you own a Porsche.

  Ryan Stiles : None of us would know, Drew...

• Drew Carey : If entertainers worked funerals.

  Wayne Brady : Please gather around the body. Whooof!

  [pantomimes removing the blanket] 

  Wayne Brady : He's not there anymore! Huh? Thank you!

  [takes a bow] 

  Robin Williams : Is this the loved one? Alright start the truck Johnny! WOW, LOOK AT HIM MOVE! Isn't that incredible, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again!

  Ryan Stiles : [Pantomimes opening the dead person's mouth and sticks his head in like a lion tamer in a circus act] 

  Colin Mochrie : [Pantomimes twirling the body like a balloon person]  A dog!

  Ryan Stiles : [Picks up body and holds it like a dummy]  Well, Harry and I would like to thank you all for coming by, wouldn't we Harry?...

• [Quick Change] 

  Ryan Stiles : [discussing a map]  Well, it - it's - it's full of flaws. Look, this - this army's attacking Hawaii!

  Wayne Brady : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : Why - why the Salvation Army's attacking the restaurant here!

  Wayne Brady : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : Why uh... this is me, going after Richard Simmons!

• [scenes from a hat: What Drew Carey whispers in his date's ear] 

  Chip Esten : What's your name again?

  Ryan Stiles : Keep the change.

• Drew Carey : Two thousand points to Kathy Greenwood for kissing Ryan.

  Kathryn Greenwood : Yeah!

  Colin Mochrie : I never get two thousand points for kissing him.

  Drew Carey : That's 'cause you like to kiss him.

  Ryan Stiles : It's got to be on the show!

  [Colin nods knowingly] 

• Drew Carey : Colin, Colin, another hundred dollars for you, buddy.

  [Drew and Colin kiss] 

  Ryan Stiles : That's just dirty money now.

  Drew Carey : How bad you want it, Mochrie? Come on, get your dirty money.

  Wayne Brady : He kissed really nice... For a dude.

  Ryan Stiles : I don't think the tongue was necessary, but I think...

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  I'm in love with a Canadian man...

  Drew Carey : Just when you thought "Will & Grace" was the gayest show on TV, along comes "Whose Line Is It Anyway".

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, uh...

  [Wayne, Colin, and Ryan indicate wedding rings, Drew and Jeff are unmarried] 

  Jeff Bryan Davis : [kisses Colin and grins innocently] 

• Drew Carey : [Foreign Film Dub in Unkranian, starts hysterically laughing, then speaks mock Ukrainian] 

  Ryan Stiles : Hahahahahahaha! Oh, I was just laughing at an old joke I learned. Two perrogies walk into a bar.

  Kathryn Greenwood : [Speaks mock Ukrainian] 

  Colin Mochrie : Go on.

  Drew Carey : [Speaks mock Ukrainian, then stops and, in plain english]  Complimentary.

  Ryan Stiles : The nuts go over to the perrogies and say "Hey, you look great, have you lost weight?" and the perrogie says "What's with the nuts?" and the bartender says "They're complimentary".

• Colin Mochrie : [playing impossible mission]  I thought we were out of the spy business?

  Ryan Stiles : We're never out of the spy business, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.

  Greg Proops : How would you like to make money in Real Estate?

  [Ryan fast forwards] 

  Greg Proops : Good morning, gentlemen.

  Colin Mochrie : Good morning.

  Greg Proops : How are you today?

  Colin Mochrie : Fine.

  Ryan Stiles : How's your cold, Ryan?

  Ryan Stiles : It's cleared up.

  Greg Proops : Well all right then...

  Colin Mochrie : Like what am I, nothing?

  Greg Proops : I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...

  [Colin fast forwards] 

  Greg Proops : Today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Meer of Grufunkastan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your mission is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know him, never mind, and clean a new bernoose for the Meer of Grufunkastan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...

  [Ryan throws it out the window] 

  Greg Proops : BOOM!

  Ryan Stiles : Thank God we picked window!

  Colin Mochrie : Yes. Well, we've got a mission. Let's get to it.

  [dramatic music] 

  Ryan Stiles : I can't remember where the hotel is, you got your Thomas Guide? E5. it's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.

  Colin Mochrie : Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.

  Ryan Stiles : Wait a minute we're at E4 already.

  Colin Mochrie : Look, E5.

  Ryan Stiles : I didn't know we lived so close to the hotel.

  Colin Mochrie : No kidding, we only look out the windows to throw burning tapes.

• Ryan Stiles : [Drew just fell off the World's Worst step]  Hi, I'm Drew Carey, and I'm going to teach you how to walk backwards. First you...

  [Buzz] 

• Ryan Stiles : I'd like to give you the weather for the next 50 years. Sun in L.A., rain in Seattle.

• [interviewing Santa] 

  Ryan Stiles : And where are you going to go after all of this is over?

  Colin Mochrie : I'm thinking Mexico because I... like it there.

• Drew Carey : [Chip just jumped on Ryan's back]  How's your back, really?

  Ryan Stiles : Fine.

  Ryan Stiles : Yeah, cause I saw you going

  Drew Carey : [Mouths words as though he's in pain] 

  Ryan Stiles : No actually I was saying "Get the fuck off! Get the fuck off!' I don't know if we can air that but that's what I said.

• Drew Carey : If famous movie lines were done by cartoon characters.

  Greg Proops : [as Scooby Doo]  Uh, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!

  Colin Mochrie : [as Elmer Fudd]  Feeling wucky punk!

  Ryan Stiles : [as Popeye]  I'll be back-agagagagagagag!

  Colin Mochrie : [as Snagglepuss]  Rosebud, even!

  Wayne Brady : [as Yogi Bear]  Hey, Punk! Are you feeing lucky? Do you wanna see what's in my pic-a-nic basket?

• Drew Carey : [for Scenes from a Hat]  Here we go!

  [pause] 

  Drew Carey : Lines from Drew Carey's diary.

  Ryan Stiles : "Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me again today... how I wish that I were sitting on his lap and not behind that desk..."

  [buzzer] 

  Ryan Stiles : "Dear Diary, when will people find out I'm not a man?"

  [buzzer] 

  Drew Carey : "What our audience is thinking".

  Ryan Stiles : ...I wonder if that's all true?

  [buzzer and laughter] 

• Ryan Stiles : [during Sound Effects]  I'm gonna run in behind! Make a sound like a duck to confuse 'em!

  Two women from the audience : Quack quack quack quack quack!

  Ryan Stiles : You'll notice, that wasn't just one duck, that was a whole flock!

  Colin Mochrie : Okay. While you do the duck, I'm gonna do the elephant!

  Two women from the audience : Quack quack quack quack quack!

  [laughter from the audience and Drew Carey] 

• [foreign film dub] 

  Drew Carey : [speaks mock Swedish] 

  Ryan Stiles : [translating]  I love you, but I've had too many meatballs!

• [Scenes from a Hat: What "Whose Line" Cast Members Wish for, when blowing out their "B"-Day Candles] 

  Wayne Brady : [Blows]  No more Hoedowns.

  Colin Mochrie : [Blows]  Let me play a Man in a scene.

  Ryan Stiles : [Blows]  Please, don't have Drew make me go under that desk again.

  Drew Carey : Young man, I'll see you at my desk.

• [while playing questions only, after Colin says he's Canadian] 

  Ryan Stiles : Have you ever heard of a place called Moosejaw, Saskatchewan?

  Colin Mochrie : Isn't that right beside Left... Noob?

• Ryan Stiles : [to Colin Mochrie]  Don't miss the Drew Carey Show Wednesday nights on ABC. Wait... there's more. Give the tall guy more lines.

• Ryan Stiles : [Song Titles]  What's New, Pussycat?

  Colin Mochrie : [Whispering]  When you Wish Upon a Star

  Ryan Stiles : [Points down]  Blue Suede Shoes

  Colin Mochrie : Nice pants.

• Drew Carey : Things to say that will always start a fight.

  Ryan Stiles : You guys wanna fight?

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, Clinton, what's with the fat broad?

• Ryan Stiles : And we have put together a lot of great songs about retirement, 43 songs on one CD. But it's a big one.

  [Spreads hands apart] 

  Ryan Stiles : And it's made out of chocolate.

  [Colin gives him a confused look] 

  Ryan Stiles : I had a little something to drink earlier.

  Colin Mochrie : Yeah.

• Ryan Stiles : [During "Dating Service Video", wearing a hat with a turkey on it]  This year, I do all the stuffing.

• Colin Mochrie : One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff is the stuff that I really, really love.

  Ryan Stiles : It was good stuff!

  Colin Mochrie : Let's not say "stuff" anymore.

  Ryan Stiles : Okay!

• Ryan Stiles : Hey, Colin.

  Colin Mochrie : What, Ryan?

  Ryan Stiles : How much money would you pay for a 2-CD set like this?

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, I don't know... 39 dollars?

  Ryan Stiles : [angrily]  Unfortunately, it's $69.95.

  Colin Mochrie : [hastily recovering]  But I was talking $39.00 in a foreign currency that doesn't quite...

• Ryan Stiles : [Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission]  We're gonna need some type of detergent.

  Colin Mochrie : Detergent, Detergent... the cat! No that's no good!

  Ryan Stiles : Wait a minute, bars of soap there's nothing but bars of soap. But where gonna have to agitate it in some way.

  Colin Mochrie : [Colin gets in the tub]  Give me the beans.

  Ryan Stiles : It's working! It's clean!

  Colin Mochrie : It's taking to long! The Snackipark of Imar will be hear.

  Ryan Stiles : We've gotta dry it ourselves... what?

  [Ryan begins hysterically laughing] 

  Colin Mochrie : The cat!

  Ryan Stiles : The cat, stop it with the cat...

  [Ryan is hysterically laughing again] 

  Colin Mochrie : It's clean. Bring me some fabric softener.

  Ryan Stiles : [through laughing fits]  Fabric softener?

  Colin Mochrie : Well, you can't have static cling. The burnoose will stick to it's thing! The cat!

  [Ryan's laughing hysterically] 

  Colin Mochrie : Is anyone coming?

  Ryan Stiles : [laughing]  No.

  Colin Mochrie : It's perfect, it's perfect

  Ryan Stiles : Good!

  Colin Mochrie : You better model it!

  Ryan Stiles : Oh, it fell in the water again! The cat!

  Colin Mochrie : The cat's wet now!

  Colin Mochrie : Wait, give me a match!

  [lights the burnoose on fire] 

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, man!

  Colin Mochrie : It's ok I have an extra burnoose!

  Ryan Stiles : [buzzer]  I can't stop laughing!

• Ryan Stiles : [scenes from a hat, latin american sports anouncers on their day off]  I'll have a cheeseburger, two large fries and a COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!

  [buzz] 

  Ryan Stiles : [returns to stage]  You forgot my COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!

  [buzz] 

  Ryan Stiles : [returning]  Where the hell is my COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE?

• Ryan Stiles : Hey, Col.

  Colin Mochrie : Yeah, Ry?

  Ryan Stiles : Here's a little riddle for you.

  Colin Mochrie : All right.

  Ryan Stiles : What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, I guess... a... tern? An arctic tern?

  Ryan Stiles : And what sound does an arctic tern make?

  Colin Mochrie : [in a high pitched voice]  Backstreet Boys?

  Ryan Stiles : [laughing hysterically]  No, Colin! That's wrong!

  Colin Mochrie : Why don't you tell us what's right?

  Ryan Stiles : I was thinking of an owl, that goes Hoo, Hoo! The Who is the next band on our CD set...

  [cracks up again] 

• Colin Mochrie : [Greatest Hits, Songs of the Fireman - after a Queen parody song]  Oh, we're gonna have to call a fireman to put *you* out!

  Ryan Stiles : Mercury's rising!

• [Narrate - Fast Food Place/Burger Joint] 

  [Colin has just discovered the Maltese Burger] 

  Ryan Stiles : I guess it's all yours. You got me.

  Colin Mochrie : [voiceover]  It all seemed too easy... way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild that it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kind of funny, it was still really weird!

  [Ryan kisses Colin on the lips] 

• Ryan Stiles : Only two good things come from Ohio: Stadium mustard and Drew Carey.

• Drew Carey : Confusing battle cries.

  Wayne Brady : Hurt you!

  Ryan Stiles : Don't shoot until you see the whites!

  Colin Mochrie : Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!

  Colin Mochrie : Get my brown pants!

  Wayne Brady : Every last one of us will defend the alamo, right?

  [looks behind him, sees nothing] 

  Wayne Brady : What the hell?

• Greg Proops : [playing scenes from a hat with worst state mottos]  Mississippi: We do too have all our teeth!

  Colin Mochrie : Miami: The land that time remembered.

  Drew Carey : Miami's a city.

  Colin Mochrie : Florida: Not to be confused with Miami.

  Ryan Stiles : Montana: How fast can you drive?

  Ryan Stiles : Utah: 30,000 wives can't be wrong.

  Greg Proops : Texas: Capital Punishment rocks!

  Drew Carey : Couldn't agree more!

• Drew Carey : What Drew Carey is thinking right now.

  Ryan Stiles : I wish Ryan was on this side so I can look at his ASS!

• Drew Carey : "First Drafts of famous movie lines"

  Ryan Stiles : Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a lamb...

  Wayne Brady : Miss Scarlett, I don't give a burden about no Teletubbies!

  Chip Esten : I'll be back in a couple of minutes, I have some things I have to do, I'll be right back...

  Colin Mochrie : Fredzilla! Fredzilla!

  Chip Esten : Luke, I'm your second uncle twice removed

  Drew Carey : Alrighty "World's Worst person to be stuck with at a party"

  Colin Mochrie : Fredzilla! Fredzilla!

• Drew Carey : Announcements made over Hell's PA system.

  Ryan Stiles : Attention. Will the owner of a Pinto, lisencse plate number...

  Wayne Brady : Tickets for Yanni, on sale in the lobby. Tickets for Yanni.

  Colin Mochrie : Clean up on aisle five.

• Colin Mochrie : [infomercial]  What's this?

  Ryan Stiles : What is that, Colin?

  Colin Mochrie : I don't know.

  [puts item in the box] 

• Drew Carey : Take it away, Laura, whenever you're ready. The ugly hoedown.

  [the music begins playing] 

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  Let me tell you something that happened just the other day/My date was so ugly I almost ran away/She was just horrific, where can I begin?/When that heffer was born her mama should have pushed her back in.

  [spoken] 

  Wayne Brady : Ugly!

  Drew Carey : [singing]  I met a girl at a nightclub/It was pretty dark/Thought I'd take her home just for a lark/But when I saw her in the light I ran a mile/Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles.

  [Wayne and Drew do a swing your partner dance and giggle while Ryan clearly prepares his response] 

  Colin Mochrie : [singing]  I'm an ugly woman/Yes, it is not fair/I have an ugly face and I have no hair/What can I do? That's the way the fates went/The only person who'll sleep with me is the president.

  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover/When I leave the house all the dogs run for cover/I'm big and white and round and my back is so hairy/Yes you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey

• Ryan Stiles : [During "Weird Newscast" he is doing the weather, but is going backwards in human evolution. At the end he goes...] 

  [Hits buzzer] 

  Ryan Stiles : A thousand points for each of you. Let's move on to Party Quirks.

• Ryan Stiles : There's nothing like butt toast and head eggs.

• Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Bad names for perfume.

  Wayne Brady : I call it... "Like Ass!"

  Ryan Stiles : You know you're good when you're wearing "Eau Du Pork!"

  Colin Mochrie : [referring to an earlier game of Song Titles when he said to Ryan "Nice Pants"]  "Nice Pants", the smell of corduroy.

• Ryan Stiles : [singing]  You... and your constipation.

• [playing Questions Only] 

  Ryan Stiles : [singing off key]  Do you know-oooh?

  Colin Mochrie : Can you play that in key?

  Ryan Stiles : What key would you like it in?

  Colin Mochrie : G or F?

  [buzz] 

  Colin Mochrie : .

• Kathryn Greenwood : There's a bright light coming from within.

  Ryan Stiles : It's a cop!

• [Unlikely Superheroes] 

  Colin Mochrie : It's me, Run-Away-From-Danger Man.

  Ryan Stiles : Did someone call for Captain Pork?

• [Scenes from a Hat game] 

  Drew Carey : Things in Drew Carey's planner.

  Wayne Brady : 7:00: count my money. 8:00: count my money.

  Ryan Stiles : 9:00- Blow up

  [crosses out] 

  Ryan Stiles : Pick up date!

• Ryan Stiles : [scene to rap, Top Gun]  I'm a bird flyin' through the air/come near me if you dare/my feathers are white and my beak is flat/I hit your windshield and go SPLAT!

  Colin Mochrie : [flapping his arms like a bird]  I don't have a ryhme, boo-hoo.

  Wayne Brady : I thought he was a bird/but that ain't that/'cause everybody know's Canadians can't rap.

• Colin Mochrie : We're gonna have to blow it.

  Ryan Stiles : Blow the door? Are you out of your mind?

  Colin Mochrie : No, I mean blow it up.

• Colin Mochrie : [using people as objects]  I'm gonna use the giant tea pot we brought.

  Ryan Stiles : Really.

  Colin Mochrie : Don't ask me.

• Colin Mochrie : [worlds worst priest]  hmm... say 10 Hail Mary's and the Gilligan's Island theme

  Ryan Stiles : Today i'm going to be delivering the sermon as John Wayne.

  [as John Wayne] 

  Ryan Stiles : And in the beginning...

• Colin Mochrie : [acting out Zorro]  I bet you're wondering what part of Mexico I'm from. I was educated in Oxford.

  Ryan Stiles : You must come back with me, you have commited many crimes. Apparently I'm from the same neighborhood

• Drew Carey : What penguins are really thinking?

  Wayne Brady : Does this tux make me look fat?

  Ryan Stiles : Geez... it's cold!

  Colin Mochrie : One day I'll get that Batman!

• Ryan Stiles : [Meer of Grufunkastan - Impossible Mission]  We can't go in the front door, they'll spot us.

  Colin Mochrie : Yes, we better climb up through that window up there that seems impossibly high.

  Ryan Stiles : I got nothing to get up there with, I didn't bring any rope.

  Colin Mochrie : Wait, your hair.

  Ryan Stiles : What?

  Colin Mochrie : You know it's one long strand!

  [Ryan almost breaks character] 

  Ryan Stiles : You said you'd never mention that again.

  [Colin pantomimes using the hair as a lasso] 

  Colin Mochrie : Now reel us up.

  Ryan Stiles : By the way I love you.

  Colin Mochrie : Stop it!

  Ryan Stiles : Alright we're up. Patio doors locked. There's people inside. We're gonna have to make a diversion so they come out and I can sneak in and get the garment.

  Colin Mochrie : FIRE!

  Ryan Stiles : That was easy. Now what was it?

  Colin Mochrie : Burnoose.

  Ryan Stiles : Any idea what it look like?

  Ryan Stiles : It looks like... a burnoose. There it is.

  Colin Mochrie : Here's one. Ah we've gotta wash it somehow. There's no - can't go downstairs... the bath tub. We'll throw in the bathtub with with some water.

  Ryan Stiles : Wait, the faucet's rigged!

  Ryan Stiles : What?

  Colin Mochrie : The faucet's rigged!

  Colin Mochrie : In what way?

  Ryan Stiles : With an explosive! How long have you been a spy?

  Colin Mochrie : I didn't see that! I guess they really don't want people taking baths in this room.

  Colin Mochrie : Why don't we just take the faucet off and flush it?

  Ryan Stiles : How's that gonna work? BOOM. Oh, stand back it's filled up the tub!

• Colin Mochrie : [Greatest Hits, after a joke about an about Animal Sounds gone wrong]  Hey Ryan

  Ryan Stiles : Yeah, Colin?

  Colin Mochrie : What sound does a Blackbird make?

  Ryan Stiles : I have no idea

  Colin Mochrie : [In a bird-like tone]  O-per-a!

  Ryan Stiles : O-Per-a!

  Colin Mochrie : O-per-a!

  [Wayne comes over and stares at them] 

  Colin Mochrie : Wait a minute! Opera's a song style!

• [after Party Quirks, when Ryan was playing a foal being born] 

  Drew Carey : Ryan "Anything for Laughs" Stiles.

  Ryan Stiles : That's how I got the job in the other show, remember?

• Ryan Stiles : [Beach hoedown]  I went to the beach one day, and the water was cold/ I went in because I thought that I was bold/ When I jumped in, it was colder than I feared/that was the day that my penis disappeared!

• Ryan Stiles : [during Newsflash; Colin is in a scene with half-naked women in bathing suits running around on a beach]  Colin, can you keep us abreast of what's going on out here?

• [Songs you wouldn't want to hear in prison] 

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  So who's the slightly effeminate one, that's me...

  Brad Sherwood : [singing]  Who dropped the soap... who dropped the soap...

  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall, the hole in the wall...

  Colin Mochrie : [singing]  With the wig... you remind me... of Julia...

• [referring to a previous scene where Ryan kissed Colin on the top of his head while Colin's eyes were closed] 

  Ryan Stiles : I said to Colin.

  [pauses for audience to quiet down] 

  Ryan Stiles : I said to Colin, did you know that was me? He goes, yeah. I go, how did you know? He goes, I know your lips.

• Two women from the audience : [performing sound effects]  Crick, crick, crick, crick, crick...

  Ryan Stiles : I've got a crick.

• Ryan Stiles : [after Wayne performs a clip from a Jerry Lee Lewis parody]  Whenever I hear that song, I always think of dating my cousin.

• Colin Mochrie : [Whose Line- The Alamo]  Rid the bullets. Get your knife. grab that rock. When I give the signal we're going to yell out the worst sounding battle cry ever. Ready?

  Ryan Stiles : Turn away.

  [Pantomimes lifting his French Maid skirt and grabbing a knife] 

  Colin Mochrie : Here take this rock. Let's run out and we'll shout the worst-the most terrifying battle cry these guys ever heard.

  Ryan Stiles : I'm with ya!

  Colin Mochrie : Alright here we go!

  Colin Mochrie , Ryan Stiles : [They read the slip of paper]  SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY!

  [the pretend to get shot by the enemy. Drew buzzes them out] 

• [Pantomiming handing each thing to Greg] 

  Ryan Stiles : Here's my number. My fax number. A picture of me with my clothes off.

• [as the "Weird Newscasters" weatherman, Ryan is about to die, and his life is flashing before his eyes] 

  Ryan Stiles : What are we fighting for Grenada for? I don't even want this country!

• [Scenes from a Hat - Unlikely songs to serenade her with] 

  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  You're... the... best I can get...

  Colin Mochrie : [singing]  You seem real easy and willing to put out, so roll in the cream cheese, roll in the cream cheese.

• [Two-Line Vocabulary] 

  Ryan Stiles : What do I look like?

  Colin Mochrie : I'll tell you what you look like: A big stick with a big nose!

• Ryan Stiles : [Weird Newscasters - Ryan must make a virgin sacrifice. Searches through the audience with increasing panic]  We're all going to die!

  [runs off set] 

• Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Where did all the toilet paper go?

• Ryan Stiles : [singing the gambling hoedown]  I just heard that Vegas just went broke./Apparently it all happened cause of one single bloke./I never thought that they'd ever see this day... /... but that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet!

  [Drew Carey then attempts to punch Ryan] 

• Ryan Stiles : [Greatest Hits - Songs of the Chiropractor]  Songs of the chiropractor go back many a many years.

  Colin Mochrie : Do they?

  Ryan Stiles : Yes, they were.

• Ryan Stiles : [Greatest Hits - Songs of the Chiropractor]  Hey, Colin?

  Colin Mochrie : Yes, Ryan.

  Ryan Stiles : How many songs are on this 2D CD set? 2D CC 2D CD set!

  [both laugh] 

  Colin Mochrie : I mentioned it earlier. If you weren't listening, tough!

• [Narrate - Bike Shop] 

  [Colin grabs the banana seat out of Ryan's pants] 

  Colin Mochrie : What's this? That's my banana seat! My banana seat!

  Ryan Stiles : [voiceover]  I'm going to get my gun.

  [Ryan gets his gun out of a cabinet] 

  Colin Mochrie : [voiceover]  As he was going for his gun, several emotions ran across my face: Fear, happiness, sadness. I knew I was going for an Emmy and yet would never get one. Damn!

  Colin Mochrie : Hey, what do you think you're doing with that?

  Ryan Stiles : I want the seat back and I want the seat back now.

  Colin Mochrie : What do you want with it?

  [Ryan looks for a place to put the gun while narrating] 

  Colin Mochrie : I'll hold it.

  [without thinking, Ryan gives Colin the gun] 

  Ryan Stiles : [voiceover]  He asked me what I wanted with it. And although I didn't know, at this point I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't have given him the gun..."

  Colin Mochrie : I want you to assemble my bike the way you found it.

  Ryan Stiles : [voiceover]  Oh, yeah, it's assembled, but wait until he rides it.

  Colin Mochrie : These are Firestone tires!

• [Scenes From a Hat - "Weird things to hear from the voices in your head"] 

  Ryan Stiles : Just cut one brake line and you could be sitting behind that desk...

• Ryan Stiles : [Whose Line-Beauty and the Beast] 

  [as the beast] 

  Ryan Stiles : Who is it?

  Colin Mochrie : Beauty.

  [pause] 

  Colin Mochrie : Beauty Smith.

  Ryan Stiles : Oh, Beauty come in.

• Drew Carey : [Film, TV, and Theater Styles]  Horror theater. Horror movies.

  Ryan Stiles : [to Kathy]  You two aren't married? You whore.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  What Drew Carey thinks about before he drifts to sleep.

  Wayne Brady : Ah! Money.

  Ryan Stiles : He's so tall!

  Colin Mochrie : Maybe tomorrow I'll lick his head!

• Ryan Stiles : [Scenes from a hat- U.S cities that will never have a song written about them]  We wouve you Walla Walla, Washington! We wouve you Walla Walla, Washington

  Colin Mochrie : Proud citizens of Dog-Lick...

  Wayne Brady : Our arms are wide open at Muscelahoochehella Alabama, Muscelahoochehella Alabama...

  Ryan Stiles : We call it Butte- Not Butt- Montana!

  Jeff Bryan Davis : Who wants an Oxnard, I do, I do!

  Ryan Stiles : [In a stoner voice]  What's the matter with Weed?

• Ryan Stiles : [Scnes from a hat- Unlikely subjects to be the basis of a musical]  What's the mattter with roadkill? What's the matter with roadKILL!

  Colin Mochrie : How does food become poo? I'll tell you!

  Ryan Stiles : Whyyyyyyy do dogs lick themselves?

• Ryan Stiles : [During Quick Change]  Honey, I think we should name the baby Bill.

  Drew Carey : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : I think we should name the baby Drew.

  Drew Carey : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : I think we should name it C-3PO.

• [Improbable Mission: Colin and Ryan are asked to do the grocery shopping for the Prime Minister of All-you-can-eat] 

  Colin Mochrie : Wow! The Prime Minister of Eat-all-you-can.

  Ryan Stiles : We have a picture of him on our wall.

  [He points to Drew] 

• [Weird Newscasters: Ryan's weather map is covering the gateway to Hell, and he's struggling to keep them closed. He says he's being drawn in] 

  Ryan Stiles : [Like he's changing channels]  Friends! Can't stop watching Friends!

  [Like he's listening to bad music] 

  Ryan Stiles : Ah, somebody turn off the Michael Bolton music!

  [Ryan approaches Drew's desk and gasps] 

  Ryan Stiles : So this is how you got two shows!

• Ryan Stiles : ["World's Worst... " things to say at an awards show] 

  Ryan Stiles : [angry]  I will not accept this reward until they tear down the wall that separates Germany!

  [Colin whispers into Ryan's ear] 

  Ryan Stiles : [sheepish]  Thank you.

• Ryan Stiles : [During "Dating Service Video", with a hat in his lap]  It ain't gonna be a rabbit...

• Colin Mochrie : Oh! There's a wind a comin'.

  Ryan Stiles : There's a what?

  Colin Mochrie : A wind!

  Ryan Stiles : A wind a comin'?

  Colin Mochrie : Wind a comming, I heard it on a farm once.

• [introducing another Greatest Hits collection] 

  Colin Mochrie : One of my favorite alternative bands is Green Day. They're from your hometown, aren't they?

  Ryan Stiles : I don't know, where am I from?

• [Let's make a date: Ryan is a Secret Service Agent protecting President Colin] 

  Ryan Stiles : [when asked what his ancestors did for him]  They took a bullet for me.

  Ryan Stiles : [when asked about the things he likes]  I enjoy a good cigar like my number one guy here.

  [Ryan shoots Wayne in the head] 

• Drew Carey : Now, we need two unlikely roommates.

  Person from audience : Bill Cosby and Hitler!

  Drew Carey : Bill Cosby and Hitler! Bill Cosby and Hitler certainly unlikely roomates

  Censor : Hold Please.

  Drew Carey : You've got to be kidding me.

  Ryan Stiles : Not that Hitler

  Brad Sherwood : We meant RUDOLPH Hitler!

  Wayne Brady : [as Bill Cosby]  Would you like some Jello... Hitler?

  Drew Carey : Somebody over there! Gimme a profession

  Person from audience : Insurance Salesman

  Drew Carey : Insurance Salesman. Brad and Wayne, you're going to be singing Bill Cosby and the Insurance Salesman. Pretty fucking funny isn't it?

• Ryan Stiles : [Newsflash-nuclear testing site]  Colin, I was told that when you first came here, you had hair!

  Colin Mochrie : Yeah, well what do you mean by that,Stick Boy!

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Versions of hell, other than eternal flame.

  Ryan Stiles : Okay, that's a thousand points for Colin, it's time for Hoedown.

  Colin Mochrie : Let's hear that Yentl soundtrack one more time!

  [when no one laughs, he does his "Lightning Rod of Hate" signal] 

  Wayne Brady : Mississippi, I'm still in Mississippi!

  Greg Proops : Mississippi, *I'm* still in Mississippi!

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Things that make the audience boo!

  Ryan Stiles : [to Colin]  What color's your poo in the morning

  [BOO] 

  Jeff Bryan Davis : Okay so we have our potatoes simmering. Now after we filet the baby seal.

  [BOO!] 

  Ryan Stiles : You simply wait for traffic, then you push the old lady. Push the old lady.

  [mixed boos and applause] 

  Ryan Stiles : I wasn't looking for applause on that one. I was looking for...

  Jeff Bryan Davis : And the award for the best actor goes to - Keanu Reeves.

  [BOOOOOOO] 

• Colin Mochrie : [Ryan has just packed a gun]  What are you doing with that violin?

  Ryan Stiles : Thought I'd... play a lil' tune!

  Ryan Stiles : [begins Playing]  Ooooh, I'm gonna shoot you once I get a gunnnn!

• Ryan Stiles : [World's Worst Hitchhiker]  Hi, mind if I put on some Michael Bolton?

  [buzz] 

  Ryan Stiles : [goes back up]  Hi, I'm Michael Bolton!

• [Colin almost trips off the steps on-stage. Ryan catches him] 

  Ryan Stiles : [seriously]  I just saved your life.

• Drew Carey : WOOOOOO! Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything's made up, and the points don't matter.

  Ryan Stiles : We just came back from a commercial, and "WOOOO!"

• Colin Mochrie : [Song Titles- In a Psychiatrist's office]  What's New Pussycat?

  Ryan Stiles : I've got a feeling

  Colin Mochrie : Feelings?

  Ryan Stiles : One.

  Colin Mochrie : What's the buzz, tell me what's a happening!

  Ryan Stiles : Nowhere, man.

  Colin Mochrie : [stumped]  Really, that sucks!

  [Buzz] 

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  Really that sucks, really that sucks...

• Ryan Stiles : You know, Colin, there's a lot of music on this CD set for older people, but there's also music for the young kids of today.

  Colin Mochrie : Get out!

  Ryan Stiles : Yes, one of today's most popular bands is Kid Rock!

  Colin Mochrie : No, I did not know that.

  Ryan Stiles : And of course- they're not...

  [Drew is laughing really hard] 

  Ryan Stiles : Am I saying something wrong here?

  Drew Carey : Kid Rock's just one guy.

  Ryan Stiles : Of course it is. You know, one of my favorite bands is Kid Rock! He's just one guy, but he's large!

• Ryan Stiles : [song titles]  Blue suede shoes.

  Colin Mochrie : Nice pants.

• Colin Mochrie : [Millionaire Show]  Here is your question. Your transvestite lover and you, are invited to a black tie affair. Do you: A, pass her off as your wife. B, pass her off as your brother. C, pass her off as your husband. D, tell to lose the chaps.

  Ryan Stiles : Wow, I don't know nothing about vampires...

  Colin Mochrie : Transvestites, not Transylvanians you moron! Transvestites!

• Drew Carey : [90 second alphabet in a resturant]  Xaviera Hollander told me about this place...

  Ryan Stiles : Yes, he's been here some time.

  Drew Carey : Ziegfried and Roy recommended this place to me...

  Ryan Stiles : Absolutely! They've all been here!

  Drew Carey : Bozo the Clown said...

  Ryan Stiles : Clowns? We never serve clowns!

• Ryan Stiles : Let's face it, without hillbillies we wouldn't have Jerry Springer.

• Ryan Stiles : [Millionaire show]  Phyllis, did you hear the question hunny?

  Wayne Brady : Oh yeah, I love money! Everybody loves money. One time I had relations with 45 men at one time.

  Ryan Stiles : Those were Germans, hunny. We're in different times now.

• Ryan Stiles : I just need the answer, is it A, C, C, or D?

  Wayne Brady : Meh, might help if I knew the question you snooty, you doody.

  Ryan Stiles : What's the capital of Paraguay, Warden, you're from there for god's sake!

  Wayne Brady : It's P! P! The big P!

  Ryan Stiles : Thanks.

  Wayne Brady : Meh.

  Colin Mochrie : That's one smart sheep.

• Ryan Stiles : [Infomercial]  You know, nail biting can be cured by simple products that you can get at the drug store, but why go that way, when you can buy our complicated product?

• Colin Mochrie : Hey, Ryan! What amazing gizmo is that?

  Ryan Stiles : After you fix your face, you're gonna want to fix other areas of your body.

  Colin Mochrie : Exactly, because a good face, blah blah blah.

  Ryan Stiles : Well we don't want to look like this.

  [turns item upside down] 

  Ryan Stiles : We want to look like this.

  [turns item right side up and uses pump where darts fall off] 

  Ryan Stiles : Woah! If knew that was going to happen I really would have fired those!

  Ryan Stiles : Anyway, that was just another product launch.

• Colin Mochrie : Now, to make sure the bad breath is going away, use the bad breath indicator. Ryan, breathe.

  Ryan Stiles : Oh.

  Colin Mochrie : If it doesn't turn colors, your breath smells great! If it turns black, get help right away!

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, we'll even throw in this, Colin, I'm pregnant!

  [both laugh] 

• Colin Mochrie : [Face lift infomercial]  Hey, do you look like you've been hit by a bus three times?

  [Ryan point at Colin, under his breath] 

  Colin Mochrie : You started it.

  Ryan Stiles : Well, if you do, we've got the solution for you.

  Colin Mochrie : That's right, are you tired of paying doctors, are you tired of paying doctors to have a face lift that could end up like this?

  [points to Ryan] 

• Ryan Stiles : [Hair removal infomercial]  Hi there, we're the Phillips twins. Notice anything different about us?

  [Drew Carey laughs hysterically] 

• Ryan Stiles : [Scene with an audience member]  Look, I'll go over here in the corner so you and Giselle can say goodbye.

  Colin Mochrie : I thought we had something special Giselle.

  Audience Member - Giselle : [Reading from a card. Giselle chuckles slightly]  "You're uglier than him."

• Colin Mochrie : Y'now, in Canada, they don't have beds, they have cots with filly paper on them-wait a second! Bed cot filly paper? RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS!

  Ryan Stiles : They don't get it

  Colin Mochrie : Bed, cot, filly, paper, red, hot, chilli, peppers.

  Ryan Stiles : Oh!

  Colin Mochrie : Yeah, like it made sense before!