Charmed (1998–2006)

Holly Marie Combs: Piper Halliwell

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Quotes 

• Piper : I'll play the bitch, you play the witch, ok?

• [Wyatt has shrunken Piper and Leo into a doll house size of the Manor] 

  Piper : OK... let me handle Wyatt. This requires a mother's touch... Wyatt Matthew Halliwell! You stop this nonsense right now!

• Chris : I was just wondering how it went with the doctor.

  Piper : Well, you'll be happy to know that you're a boy.

  [holds up ultrasound picture] 

  Chris : That's not what I meant.

  Paige : [looking at picture]  I don't see it.

  Piper : Oh, see, it's this little thing right here...

  [points] 

  Chris : Whoa!

  [grabs ultrasound] 

  Chris : Excuse me! Do you mind?

• Darryl : Piper...

  Piper : Uh-huh.

  Darryl : You froze the crime scene.

  Piper : Uh-huh.

  Darryl : You cannot freeze a crime scene.

  Piper : Well, I did.

• [Morris extends his arm to touch Piper's belly] 

  Darryl : Hey, if you ask me, there's nothing more beautiful than a preg...

  Piper : Do it, and you'll pull back a bloody stub.

  [Morris retracts his arm] 

  Paige : She's a little sensitive right now.

  Darryl : I can see that.

• Leo : Piper, this is completely illegal.

  Piper : Yeah? Well, so is marrying a dead guy, okay?

  [She holds up his death certificate] 

  Piper : Let's not get technical now.

• [a spell that allows a witch to hear the thoughts of others has backfired, causing the sisters to hear each other's thoughts, too] 

  Piper : Yeah, next time get your own damn lipstick.

  Prue : I heard that.

  Piper : I love you.

  Prue : Bite me.

• Cole : You're pregnant?

  Piper : I was, but now I think Leo is.

• Grams : Have you been exercising your powers daily?

  Piper : Do I need to?

  Grams : Well, you know, if you don't want to lose control of them. Did you perform a ritual to promote growth?

  [Piper and Leo look sheepish] 

  Grams : Did you cast a spell to ward off demonic parasites?

  [Piper and Leo continue to look ashamed] 

  Grams : Sweetheart, what did you do?

  Leo : We built a nursery in our bedroom closet.

  Grams : No wonder this baby summoned me.

• Piper : Oh, please, please, somebody help me. The mean demon is dipping me into the water and it's really cold.

• Piper : Life isn't a garden so stop being a hoe.

• Piper : Vanquish demon first, kill husband later.

• [Piper walks into the living room to see Phoebe and Paige wearing beauty masks] 

  Piper : Ah.

  Phoebe : What?

  Piper : Oh, my God. You two could scare the hair off a cat. No demons dare drop by here.

• Phoebe : Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.

  Paige : Sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion.

  Phoebe : Not when the vigilante is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.

  Piper : Well, that doesn't mean it's Cole.

  Phoebe : Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?

  Piper : See, *that* means it's Cole.

• Piper : You know, if I could freeze the two of you, I would, often.

• Phoebe : I mean, you're not even showing yet... except for your boobies.

  Piper : I'm telling you, they are large and they are definitely in charge.

• Piper : Kiss this bitch.

• Piper : I've come to the conclusion that if you've got it, then you must flaunt it.

  [lifts her shirt a little to show her pregnant tummy] 

  Phoebe : That's my niece in that belly.

  Paige : She's my niece, too.

  Phoebe : Hi, niece. It's your favorite aunt, Phoebe.

• Piper : So let me get this straight. You summoned me to a cage where our powers don't work so, what, we could all die together?

  Paige : I'll admit the plan has a few flaws.

• Piper : So what do you say to an overbearing younger sister who's treating her pregnant older sister like a porcelain doll?

  Phoebe : "Thank you"?

  Piper : How about "Knock it off"?

  Phoebe : That's probably better advice.

• Piper : Be careful of the feet you step on, they may be connected to the boot that kicks your ass.

• [Piper and Leo are down behind the bar. Piper giggles. Piper's cell phone rings and she pops up, out of breath to answer it] 

  Piper : Hello?

  Phoebe : Hey, did you make the potion?

  Piper : Potion? P-P-Paige is making the potion.

  [Leo pops up beside Piper and starts kissing her neck] 

  Piper : And I have ten glorious minutes then I have to have my herbs.

  Phoebe : Great, because I need your help fast. Karen's gonna get fired unless we get her advice column in by 8:00 tonight.

  Piper : Uh-huh.

  Phoebe : So what would tell a twenty-eight year old woman who's still living in her parents house because she's afraid of living alone?

  Piper : I'd tell her to get a life.

  Phoebe : How can I write that? We fight demons every day. How can I tell her that there's nothing to be afraid of, you know? (Piper makes a noise as Leo disappears behind the bar again, smiling.) What are you doing, Piper?

  Piper : I am taking my own advice.

  Phoebe : Eww.

• Piper : You asked me to marry you, and I did. You wanted a family, and I gave you a son. And now you just want me to watch you walk away?

  Leo : Piper it's not that simple.

  Piper : Then make it simple.

• Phoebe : Where the hell is Leo, it's been five hours and he hasn't responded to any of my calls.

  Chris Perry : I really don't know

  Piper : Well I really think you do know

  Chris Perry : Well maybe I do, and if I'm right, Leo's gonna need some major alone time

  Piper : You know what? Cut the cryptic crap. I want you to go up there and bring Leo back now.

  Chris Perry : Fine. But if I was you I would focus on finding a way to unfreeze Paige 'cause you're gonna need her... soon

  Piper : I swear to God if he does not bring Leo back I am gonna blow his ass back to the future orbs and all.

  Phoebe : Okay, Piper maybe it would be better if you go downstairs and spend some time with Wyatt... you're not breathing are you?

  Piper : Nope

  Phoebe : Breathe, inhale, exhale, okay next sister.

• Piper : Bad Prue. Very bad Prue.

  [Prue growls] 

  Piper : Hi, Kujo, who you growling at?

• Piper : Oh, no! Am I dead again?

• Piper : Why didn't you save her?

  Leo : I tried.

  Piper : But you didn't. Why didn't they let you save her, too?

  Leo : The Elders? They couldn't. They don't have that kind of power.

  Piper : Then what the hell good are they?

  [Piper stands up and walks away from Leo and finds a tissue, Leo follows] 

  Leo : It's okay to be angry.

  Piper : I'm not angry. I am pissed off! Don't you understand? You healed the wrong sister! You saved me because I'm your damn wife, and you should've saved her because she was the best! Because she, you should.

  [She loses it again, overcome. Leo moves up behind her and this time, she lets him hold her] 

  Piper : Why do they put us through so much for it to end this way?

• Piper : Yeah. Sure, why not? We could have another funeral tomorrow. I mean, all the dishes are out and we pretty much know who to invite.

• Piper : You got anything that would go with combat boots? You know, for the mommy-to-be who kicks some ass on occasion.

• Phoebe : I forgot your question.

  Piper : I asked if Prue was going to have sex with someone other than herself this year.

  Phoebe : That's disgusting. Please say yes.

• Leo : Why am I standing in the ocean?

  Piper : Phoebe's a mermaid.

  Leo : Oh, well, that would explain it.

• Leo : [referring to Paige's scant attire]  Uh, Paige, where did you orb in from?

  Paige : I was dealing with some personal issues.

  Leo : Well, I'm your whitelighter so if you ever want to talk...

  Paige , Piper : No.

• Piper : Paige. Is everything okay?

  Paige : Better than okay. I'm going to have a love life.

  Phoebe : You're making a love potion?

  Paige : No, I'm making a stun potion.

  Piper : So that lovers will be stunned by you?

  Paige : No, so that Kazis will be stunned by me.

  Phoebe : You're in love with a Kazi demon?

  Paige : Try to stay with me, people.

• Prue : Great, so some guy couldn't keep it in his sheath and now I'm marked for death.

  Piper : Well, some men can be very sensitive about their weapons.

• Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

  Mitzy Stillman : We've got them now.

  Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

  Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.

  Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

  [the blonde sisters gasp] 

  Mabel Stillman : How dare you!

  [Mabel blows up the doors] 

  Piper : Run!

• Piper : I think my half whitelighter baby thought fireworks would be prettier than demon guts.

• [Prue has just changed back from being a dog. Piper is scratching Prue's head] 

  Prue : What are you doing?

  Piper : I think you've got fleas.

  Prue : You know what? That's so not funny because I think I do.

• Phoebe : I think I did something really bad... I slept with my boss.

  Piper : Jason?

  Phoebe : No, Elise! Yes, Jason!

• Piper : Paige! There will be no talk of testicle-orbing in front of the baby!

  Leo : Or his father.

• Piper : Phoebe, how many times have I told you not to play dress-up with the demons?

• Phoebe : Notice anything different about me?

  [Paige looks at her oddly] 

  Piper : Engagement ring. Notice it or wear coffee.

• [Piper and Leo stand over Wyatt's crib looking down at him] 

  Piper : He's so... innocent. If only he had any idea what Mommy and Auntie Paige did today.

  Leo : [to Wyatt]  They turned a very bad man to a very big tree.

• Paige : We kick evil's ass every day.

  Piper : Sometimes twice a day.

• Paige : Oh, gross. What are you guys watching? Is that some horror movie?

  Piper : No, it's The Joys of Home Birthing. Strangely I'm not feeling the joy.

• Piper : I'm not pregnant. Trust me.

  Prue : Well, that's good news.

  Phoebe : Are you kidding? That's great news. You can live.

• Piper : So why is Sir Lust-A-Lot after you?

  Paige : How should I know?

  Piper : Well, because it's your damn fairy tale and it's alive and frozen in our kitchen.

• Leo : Piper, he's gonna kill me when he finds out.

  Piper : Don't be ridiculous, you're already dead.

• Leo Wyatt : Look, Piper, no matter what happens...

  Piper : No...

  Leo Wyatt : You have to keep trying to make contact.

  Piper : I don't want him to hear it...

  Leo Wyatt : He's not after you, he's after me.

  Piper : Would you please stop trying to save me!

  Leo Wyatt : I'm sorry I got you into this.

  Piper : [crying]  Yeah, just one ordeal after another, right?

  Leo Wyatt : I've never stopped loving you.

  [her eyes welling up with tears, Piper's resistance finally melts and she leans in to kiss Leo] 

• Piper : Everyone's treating me so differently. I'm still me. There's just a whole lot more of me going on.

  [Paige walks into the attic] 

  Paige : Hey, guys. Oh, I'm sorry. Were you ranting?

  Piper : Yes, I was, but I'm done now. Thank you.

• Piper : Every other mother-to-be does not have to worry about her child orbing to Tahiti when they are sent to their room.

• Piper : Apparently the baby here prefers Mommy to be indestructible.

• Phoebe : I mean, between you and Leo, and Prue, the new Hot Wicca Woman, and me, soon to be employed, things are looking up.

  Piper : Don't say that. The moment someone says that, everything always goes south.

  Phoebe : Unless you freeze him. Oh, I couldn't help it. It was so good.

  Prue : Okay, okay, come on, we're going, you're going to borrow the car.

  [Leo comes down the stairs] 

  Leo : Good morning.

  Phoebe : Yeah, we heard.

• Phoebe : Piper, just so you know, I may have to flee the country, but just for a little while. And I will call you, okay.

  Piper : Oh, no you don't, Missy. There will be no fleeing the country until you clean up after yourself.

  Phoebe : No-no-no-no-no, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm possessed.

  Piper : That is not an excuse!

• Piper : How can you be so evil?

  Cole : It's a gift.

• Lazarus Demon : Go to hell!

  Piper : I'm already there!

• Phoebe : Piper.

  Piper : Don't you "Piper" me.

• Piper : I'm gonna be happy when I vanquish your sorry ass.

• Grams : Piper blew up the wolf from inside. Although it took her long enough.

  Piper : Hey, back off Grams, I just saved your ass.

• Piper : Oh, no, don't tell me we got infected with the sin thingy.

• Leo : Hey, I'm not nauseous.

  Piper : Hey, I am. Wait, that's not good news.

• Paige : Well, I was sort of messing around with Dave...

  Piper : Messing around?

  Paige : Yeah, having sex.

  Piper : Oh.

  Paige : See, that's why I don't want to talk to you about this. It's weird talking to a pregnant lady about sex anyway.

  Piper : Well, Paige, how do you think I got pregnant?

  Paige : Ugh, I don't want to know that either.

• Leo : P3's still doing great.

  Piper : Not as great as it used to be, thanks to me.

  Leo : Well, Piper, you're having a baby. Your priorities have changed.

  Piper : Yeah, well, haven't you heard? Women can have careers and babies now. It's been in all the papers.

  Leo : Well, are those women trying to save the world from demons too?

• Paige : I can understand wanting to take a break from guys but, come on... she's gonna run out the batteries.

  Piper : Aw, Paige.

  Paige : What?

  [Paige's cell phone rings] 

  Paige : Hello? Oh, hey, Phoebe. We were just talking about you.

  Piper : And your batteries.

• Prue : Yeah, well, rules are meant to be broken.

  Phoebe : Yeah, but bodies weren't.

  Piper : And neither were hearts.

• Piper : Mm-hmm. Your destiny still awaits, she says. There's a reason for everything she says. So, now it's time to summon her transparent butt back and ask exactly what that reason is.

• Phoebe : What about water birth? Can we do that at home?

  Eve : Sure, we can rent a tub.

  Piper : What am I a dolphin? I'm not giving birth to fish.

  Leo : Well, actually, dolphins aren't fish. They're mammals.

  Piper : Shut up.

• Phoebe : What's the celebration?

  Paige : I'm just so happy to be home, that's all.

  Piper : You wanted to move out.

  Paige : I did? God, no. Never. Well, I mean, you know, maybe when I'm married or pregnant or... hopefully both at the same time. We're sisters. We shouldn't split up until we absolutely have to. You know that, right?

  Piper : She's rambling.

  Phoebe : I hear that.

• Phoebe : Okay we theme, you potion.

  Piper : Me peeved, you annoying.

• Piper : Yeah, but this demon didn't even seem to know who we were, which by the way I find insulting.

• Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

  Mitzy : We've got them now.

  Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

  Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.

  Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

  [the blonde sisters gasp] 

  Mabel : How dare you!

  [Mabel blows up the doors] 

  Piper : Run!

• Phoebe : Come on, you don't think we'll be 60 and still living together, sharing clothes and a cat.

  Piper : Well now that you put it that way, no, I don't want to live with you anymore.

• Head Dwarf : When's her prince getting here?

  Piper : She doesn't have a prince.

  Head Dwarf : No prince? So then who's going to kiss her?

  Stinky : I'll do it.

  Dwarf : In your dreams stinky. I'll do it.

  Stinky : I told you not to call me that.

  Head Dwarf : People. A little professional decorum here please.

  [to Piper] 

  Head Dwarf : Forgive them, it's been a while.

• Piper : It was all of those women showing off their sonogram pictures, and it was just working on my last nerve. Like, "Look, it's Jasper's first photo. And it's going to go on the fridge in a magnetic frame that says 'Jasper's First Photo'."

  Leo : Okay, I thought prenatal yoga was supposed to help you relax.

• Prue : Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

  Piper : I'm going to be a very good witch from now on.

• [Piper's morning sickness is causing her to burp small orbs of white light] 

  Paige : [to Leo]  Okay, is that normal?

  Leo : All this arguing is probably just upsetting the baby.

  Piper : [indicating size with her hands]  Leo, the baby is an inch long. All this arguing is upsetting the mommy.

• Piper : So your new-and-improved premonitions are just a more vivid way of telling us we're screwed?

• Paige : We're preparing for the big home birth.

  Piper : Home birth? You're nuts. I'd never agree to that. I wouldn't give birth unless it was in...

  Paige : A hospital. Yeah, yeah, you keep saying the same thing in any reality.

• Piper : Where's my baby?

  Leo : Over here.

  [Leo stands up to reveal that he's now seven months pregnant] 

  Paige : Oh, my God.

  Piper : Oh, my God.

  [Leo sees Ryder trying to nuzzle his wife's neck] 

  Leo : Oh, my God!

  [Phoebe screams in the attic] 

  Slappy : Oh, that doesn't sound good.

• Piper : Phoebe, you're overreacting. That's my department.

• Piper : Phoebs, friendly little tip. Lay off the hairspray, there's a fire starter in the house.

• Piper : He swears they're not watching but he's a guy, he'll say anything.

• Piper : Ugh. That tastes like ass... phalt.

• Prue : Hey, be nice. I don't even want to think about sin tonight.

  Phoebe : Me neither.

  Prue : So, this is an interesting band, what's their name?

  Piper : Orgy.

• Phoebe : It's just research for that stupid article Jason made me do.

  Piper : Ah, you said his name without swearing. Does that mean things are going better at work?

  Phoebe : Oh, no. He's still driving me crazy.

  Piper : Didn't he just give you a raise?

  Phoebe : Yeah, but that was just a bribe so I wouldn't quit.

  Piper : Ah, a woman of principles. I admire that.

• Piper : Look, I know I didn't call to confirm, but I was busy creating life, okay?

• [Prue, Piper and Phoebe have been outed on national TV and are receiving interview requests up the wazoo] 

  Piper : So, what do you think? Should we go with Oprah, or Barbra? Barbra makes you cry. We go with Oprah.

• Phoebe : Are you making spaghetti sauce?

  Piper : No, that's demon blood.

• Piper : Are you going to help or are you just going to ramble?

  Paige : I'm just going to ramble!

• Piper : Darryl, I'm sorry, but what do you want me to say? My sister was just possessed with a supernaturally born killer and my husband is in 1994, and I do not mean in the fashion sense. He time traveled back with my other sister so the only one left to help me is you.

• Piper : Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm pushing it too far with the wedding?

  Prue : Okay, why is Phoebe going to school without her books?

  Piper : Okay, why is Prue not answering Piper's question?

• Piper : Don't act blonde.

• Piper : Leo, you're a nice guy, and I like you a lot, but let's face it, you're geographically undesirable.

• Piper : I dreamt an animated musical last night. Is that normal?

• Phoebe : 28 minutes, 33 seconds.

  [Piper looks at her] 

  Piper : Really? We ran that long?

  Phoebe : No, that's how long you've been comparing Leo and Dan.

  Piper : I haven't been comparing - I've just been... talking.

  Phoebe : Non-stop.

• Piper : Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the 'g' silent?

• Paige : [speaking to Piper in an alternate reality]  And you, you're not La Femme Nikita, you're a Charmed One. Yeah, you don't mind kicking ass when you have to, but otherwise you'd rather be hanging out with your sisters, baking cookies, or knitting booties.

  Piper : Knitting booties? Clearly you don't know me at all.

• Paige : [about Cole]  I'm telling you, he's gone for good.

  Phoebe : Yeah... that's what we thought last time.

  Piper : And the time before that.

• Piper : I mean, why would a demon be interested in killing people's dreams? They're harmless, erotic fun.

  Paige : Did you say 'erotic'?

  Piper : Exotic. I said exotic.

• Piper : Aww I was such a cute baby.

  Leo : Yea I know.

  Piper : Leo, you're not even looking at the picture.

  Leo : Well I've been watching you you're whole life.

  Piper : Yea ok that's too creepy to think about.

• Piper : Oh. You're assuming because I'm not tall, tattooed, or big-breasted that I'm not important. That's a bad assumption because I own this club, which makes me a V.V.V.I.P."

• Phoebe : I just want to know, am I in for another cold shower or not?

  Piper : [worried that she may be pregnant]  You know Phoebe, there are times in our lives where a cold shower is a good thing.

• Piper : What are you doing?

  Chris Perry : What does it look like I'm doing? I'm trying to find a way to free stone cold Paige over there

  Piper : Step away from the book.

  Chris Perry : Oh, please. Like I haven't looked in this thing before? By the way, you should update you're goblins entry. It'll come in handy someday.

  Piper : Goblins?

  Chris Perry : Yeah. It's gonna get ugly. Trust me. Look, I know you have no reason to trust me, but the book thinks I'm good, shouldn't you?

  Piper : Well, maybe you found a way around it.

• Chris : Where is Paige?

  Phoebe : She's at her new temp job.

  Chris : She's still on that kick?

  Piper : It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.

  Chris : Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness in a temp job?

• Piper : Wasn't there a confidence spell in the book?

  Phoebe : Yeah, remember we cast it on that waiter at Quake?

  Piper : Wow. Quake. That was a long time ago.

• Piper : What's that?

  Leo : That's our little boy.

• [after Leo telling her he might not be around when the boys are older] 

  Piper : Is that why you didn't want to go around the world in 80 orbs?

• Piper : I don't need to take a deep breath! I need to find my husband!

• Leo : [talking about making a costume for Wyatt's school play]  You wanted a normal life, remember?

  Piper : [at the book, willing to conjure a costume]  Look, that was before I realized our son was going to be humiliated in front of his entire class!

  Billie Jenkins : Happened to me all the time. Only made me stronger.

  Piper : And shut it!

• Piper : You don't really seem like yourself.

  Paige : I don't? Then, who am I?

• Paige : What just happened?

  Piper : The freaking furniture just attacked us.

• Piper : Leo, I have growing powers inside of me. Powers that I don't understand, and the only person who does understand them never has time to talk. Add that to raging hormones and I guarantee you I am absolutely entitled to do the 'crying thing'.

• Leo : Ladies, death cannot be feared. For death, in time, comes to all witches. You know, the witch who says she's not scared in battle is a liar. The real witch is the one who fights.

  Piper : Honey?

  Leo : Yeah?

  Piper : Zip it.

• Piper : Wow, prenatal yoga this morning and now you want to crash a stranger's funeral? You really do need friends.

  Paige : You're mean.

• Phoebe : Okay, something really freaky happened last night when I was with Miles.

  Piper : You guys are all ready getting freaky?

• Piper : Are you out of your mind, AGAIN?

• Paige : I can't believe I destroyed the house.

  Phoebe : What I can't believe is what you almost saw in the hotel room. If you had gotten there five minutes earlier...

  Piper : Lalala. Over sharing.

• [a witch doctor has put a hex on Piper, Paige and Phoebe; causing their character flaws to become obsessions] 

  Phoebe : What are those?

  Piper : Slipcovers. To keep the furniture clean. Although I've come to the conclusion we should probably just stand from now on.

• Leo : Witch doctors are kind of a wild card. That's why the elders don't want us working with them.

  Piper : Well, sometimes we don't want to work with the elders. So we're even.

• Piper : Look, if there's anything I've learned from all this it's that I've got to learn to deal with messes. Especially with the baby coming, 'cause I hear they come with a lot of messes.

  Paige : I've heard some things about that, too. Yeah.

• Paige : How do you like my outfit?

  Piper : You look like you're not going to help clean up.

  Paige : You've got that right. I'm gonna go meet Glen. And besides, isn't everything just gonna get messed up again anyway?

  Piper : Bite your tongue.

• Paige : He met some bimbette while climbing the Matterhorn.

  Piper : At Disneyland?

  Paige : No, Switzerland.

• Leo : The spell, Piper, you need to reverse it. Fast.

  Piper : I'm not sure I can.

  Paige : Then you'd better make us disappear 'cause this one's gonna be tough to explain.

• Piper : Cole, if you don't get me the hell outta here right now...

  Cole : You're the one that didn't want me to go easy on you.

  Piper : Doesn't mean I wanted you to. Now get me out the damned wall.

• Leo : Ok, ok, ok, just relax.

  Piper : That's what I was trying to do and then somebody made me blow up my guru.

• Leo : Well, what if he makes his move before you get a chance to vanquish him?

  Piper : I'll freeze him.

  Leo : Now you're confident in your powers?

  Piper : Okay, so maybe I'll blow him up.

  [They walk into the conservatory] 

  Leo : But what if he blows us up first?

  Piper : Well, you're already dead, what's the difference.

• Piper : You stole our sacred book so you could perform magical plastic surgery on yourself?

• Paige : My sweater shrunk.

  Piper : Ah, come on. You've worn tighter things than that.

• Tull : Xavier? Where are you?

  Piper : You're stepping on him.

• Phoebe : Stop hinting around and let him have your crab already.

  Piper : Don't be disgusting.

• [to Leo] 

  Piper : [smiling]  I'll just go make you some more coffee.

  Phoebe : [grinning]  And I'll bring it to you.

• Leo Wyatt : I have to get back to the elders

  Phoebe : Well Chris is a whitelighter, can't he do it?

  Piper : Where is he?

  Phoebe : Upstairs with Paige.

  Piper : And the book. Leo, go talk to the Elders, Pheobe keep an eye on our magical houseguests, I'm gonna go see what future boy is up to.

• Piper : Wow, you really know your stuff.

  Paige : Well, I learned from the best. I learned from you.

  Piper : Thank you, Whitney Houston. Do I sock you in the face now?

• [Piper and Leo hear a turkey gobble and look to see Phoebe getting out of her car carrying the turkey] 

  Phoebe : A little help here.

  Piper : What are you doing with that thing?

  Phoebe : Well, first I'm gonna kill it and then I'm gonna stuff it.

  Piper : You are not bringing that filthy fowl in the house.

  Phoebe : Yes, I am. Thanksgiving's early this year.

• Leo : What are you doing?

  Piper : I'm replacing the roof. It was just too dirty.

• Piper : I didn't need a sign to tell me where my heart lies.

  [smiles at Leo] 

• Leo : I hate to be a bearer of bad news.

  Piper : Could you possibly be the bearer of a big hug?

• Piper : Phoebe's pregnant.

  Leo : What, huh, really?

• Phoebe : I can't believe you guys didn't notice my billboards downtown.

  Piper : Oh, honey, of course we noticed. You can see them from a passing 747.

• Piper : [to Paige]  Geez, you're like my husband with boobs.

• Paige : All of them had their eyes gouged out.

  Piper : Ew.

  Leo : Now the video doesn't seem so gruesome.

  Piper : Ha. Speak for yourself.

• Paige : So I basically come off as this big, dumb, fat, unemployed loser.

  Piper : No, Paige, you're a big, dumb, fat, unemployed loser who saves the world.

• Piper : I didn't have to resort to maternity clothes. Everything is so bright and cheery and ruffly.

• Paige : Well guys, we better come up with a plan, because Lord Dyson is out there, getting stronger as we speak.

  Phoebe : Thanks to Piper...

  Piper : ALLRIGHT!

• Piper : Yeah, like that doesn't have personal gain tattooed across its forehead.

• Leo : Where's Melody?

  Paige : Oh, she's gone.

  Leo : Gone, as in she left?

  Piper : Gone as in she got sucked in to a big red ring by a warlock named what was it?

• Piper : All right, that's it. Break it up. You go back to your corner and you, you're gonna get ready and we're gonna put lots and lots of makeup on you.

• Piper : Uh, Phoebe, you're evil. You're like the queen of all evil, literally.

• Piper : That's what they do, Phoebe, they come back. They snarl and come back.

• Piper : So, here's the deal. We'll spare your lives if you pull your skanky little power out of her.

• Piper : Pheobe, why would you even leave her alone with it?

  Phoebe : Well, because she's our sister.

  [Piper Laughs] 

  Piper : Not for long.

• Phoebe : It'll be just like the summer by the lake. Remember when we made that blood oath to be friends forever, not just sisters?

  Piper : I remember my finger got infected.

• Prue : Here's to Leo for saving me from eternal torment.

  Piper : And to me for not trying to be the perfect couple, if it isn't good enough for them, then screw them.

• Piper : See what I mean? We have bigger, naked breasts to worry about.

  Phoebe : Paige has her naked breasts to worry about and I've got yours.

• Piper : I thought ghosts could go anywhere they wanted!

  Cole : You are not a ghost, you are inbetween.

• Piper : I just wish I could get a live guy.

• Piper : Heads up. Pregnant lady coming through with the groceries.

• Piper : Don't worry for I hold the power of... one.

• Paige : We are not slobs.

  Piper : Oh, really? How come I spent all night cleaning potion stains off of the ceiling?

  Paige : That's gazpacho, not potion.

  Piper : Well, you know what? Blenders have lids.

• Leo : Piper, I need you to help me find Paige.

  Piper : I'm not talking to her until she cleans up her room.

• Piper : So what you're saying is, that whatever you're keeping from me is enough to piss me off but not put me in any danger. At the moment.

• Piper : Now she's Martha Stewart.

• Piper : What are we gonna do?

  Leo : What we always do.

  Piper : Talk about it later.

• Piper : I think I know how to find the demon...

  [a stranger gives her a look] 

  Piper : -stration. Demonstration.

  [indicates Paige] 

  Piper : She knows what I'm talking about.

• Piper : You knew about this supernatural Jenny Jones reunion, didn't you?