Will & Grace (1998–2020)
Sean Hayes: Jack McFarland
Photos
Quotes
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[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss]
Jack : [to Vince] We know what's goin' on.
Grace : Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
Dennis : Vince, I want your ass in aisle five.
[Grace gasps]
Dennis : And bring the mop.
[Jack gasps]
Jack : Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?
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Will : No, no. I don't want to have sex with you.
Jack : Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much...
Will : No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack.
Jack : Jack who?
Will : Jack you.
Jack : Jack me?
Will : No thanks.
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Jack : I fooled around with Josh.
Grace : What?
Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it.
Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui.
Grace : What does that mean?
Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.
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Jack : My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.
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Jack : I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower with him he's like, Jack, get the hell out.
Karen : I know honey, Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore, she just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses, on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time ordering furniture. Honey, where's she going to put all that, huh? In those "houses" she's drawing?
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Cher : Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll.
Jack : Um I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look, is flawless.
Cher : Whatever.
Jack : Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good.
Cher : I've had a lot of practice.
Jack : Hey hey. You're not that great Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you.
Cher : Ya think so?
Jack : Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe"
Cher : Are you kidding me with this?
Jack : OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe"
Cher : Get a life.
[walks away then turns around]
Cher : [sings] If I could turn back time.
Jack : [clears throat to sing] If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe. Time hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe.
Cher : [slaps Jack] Snap out of it!
[she leaves; Jack realizes who she really was and faints]
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[Jack has just seen Karen's enormous closet for the first time]
Jack : My God. If my closet were like this I never would have come out of it.
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Jack : I WOULD DIE, I WOULD JUST DIE!
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Jack : So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think.
Karen : Pretend to care, pretend to care.
Jack : Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together.
Karen : Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party.
Jack : Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace.
Karen : Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like?
Jack : Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake.
Karen : Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake?
[takes a sip of wine]
Karen : Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party.
[pauses]
Karen : Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jack : I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you?
Karen : Okay that's just freaky.
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[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator]
Will : Val? What are you doing?
Val : Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement.
Jack : Shut up, I do the same thing.
Will : I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.
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[Jack is participating in a gay spelling bee, cutting from another scene]
Jack : - O-W, J-O-B. 'Eyebrow job.'
[later]
Jack : D-I-R-R-R-T-Y. Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrrty'?
[later]
Jack : - H-I-S. 'Mom, I don't know how to tell you this.'
Judge : [later] The word is... 'GQ.'
Jack : Did you say GQ?
Judge : Congratulations. You've made it to the final round.
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Jack : Heard that. I am metaphorically curled up in the fetal position and you continue to kick me about the ear, nose, and throat?
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[Elliot is on a soccer team]
Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team.
Elliot : Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team. "Awful."
Jack : I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.
[he does]
Grace : [to Elliot] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today...
[waves her hand around, showing off her wedding ring]
Jack : Not you, Whore-a Flynn Boyle!
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Jack : [mimicking phone call] Hello, "Day-Old News?" Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscription. Yeah. he's going to be giving his business to "Behind the Times." OK. OK, OK. OK. I love you, too. Bye-bye.
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Jack : [gasps] That was you taking my breath away!
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[Describing his ideal man]
Jack : I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he's rich and thin.
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Jack : Number of films with full frontal nudity... four! Number of films with full sidal nudity... three! Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless!
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Jack : ...but when we get back to New York I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again!
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Jack : It's time to put the sex back in homosexual, Will.
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Jack : Language was only needed when unattractive people were born so they could be commented on.
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Carla : Hey, are you going to come back and finish that lap dance?
Jack : Uh, no I don't think so!
Carla : Well, here's my card if you change your mind.
Jack : Well, thanks, Carl... wait, you're a Carl?
Carla : Just from the waist down. From the waist up I'm Carla.
Jack : Oh, thank God. I'm still gayer than Christmas!
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Jack : That doesn't look like a salad to me! Where's the arugula? Where's the radicchio? Where's the Rwanda?
Ben Doucette : Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient so much as a war-torn country in Africa.
Jack : I know that! I sponsor a kid in Arugula!
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Jack : Karen, you are constantly partially there for me... is there anything I can pretend to do for you?
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Jack : Now you're talkin' Jackanese.
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Jack : [mimicing phone call] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling.
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Jack : Chow mein.
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Jack : I cost a little more but I'm worth it.
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Jack : Haley Joel Osment, you look fantastic!
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Jack : Are you done? Wait a minute let me rephrase that. You're done!
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Jack : Woah Woah Woah Shift It Back!
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Jack : Will Truman, don't think that we didn't see you and your big forehead sneaking out of that party last night!
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Jack : [to Karen] You will never be a fish! Isn't it enough that you *drink* like one?
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Jack : Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you.
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Jack : He's a smarty pants, Will... he uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen.'
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[Karen answers Jack's phone; it's Elliot and he wants to talk to Jack]
Jack : No, no, he's gonna - he's gonna try to get me to another one of his basketball games. It's just not my thing. Make up an excuse.
Karen : All right.
[into the phone]
Karen : Um, Elliot... Yeah, I've got some bad news. Jack and I were figure-skating and he plunged through the ice. Haven't heard from him since. Could I take a message? Okay. You're trying out for the cheerleading squad?
Jack : [runs over and grabs the phone] Brr, I'm back!
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Jack : You shouldn't be dancing with him. He's not your stalker, your stalker is still at large.
Kevin Bacon : But you fingered this guy.
Jack : I did not. We were just holding hands. Your stalker has been throwing pebbles at your window for the past 15 minutes or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud.
Kevin Bacon : You... you're my stalker.
Jack : I prefer the term 'Professional Crazed Fan'. A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts. Go get yourself a new assistant. If you need me, I'll be in your hamper.
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Grace : We're all here for you, right Karen?
Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait?
Jack : What?
Karen : You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you?
Jack : But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie.
Karen : Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me.
Jack : You're married, I'm gay.
Karen : Not in the lie.
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Jack : 1. Five hundred thousand dollars all in fifties. 2 A Shetland pony died pony blue to match my eyes. 3 Powder Blue Eyes.
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[Jack and Karen have just had a big fight over the Rosario/Jack divorce case. Jack flounces out of the room but just before...]
Jack : By the way your boobs look great today
Karen : [Quickly but cheerfully shows some of her top and cleavage] Thanks it's a one of a kind Jean Pierre just had it shipped in from Paris today.
[Pissed off]
Karen : NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
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Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama
[Grace opens door to reveal Jack]
Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me!
Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor.
[Grace exits]
Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street!
Will : That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
Jack : [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye!
[Long pause, neither moves]
Will : You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?
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Jack : I don't know Truman it's kind of a turn off. Howabout mary fatjeans?
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Jack : One day I hope to have a hag of my very own.
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Jack : Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know. I'm a licensed dealer.
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Jack : Mary Kate and Ashley, it's beautiful.
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Jack : Wow, Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.
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[Jack lost Will's boyfriend's dog and Will and Jack are trying to figure out what to do when he knocks on the door]
Jack : Maybe it's not Paul.
Paul : Hi, it's Paul.
Jack : Maybe it's a different Paul.
Paul : Paul Bailey.
Jack : Maybe he forgot about the dog.
Paul : I'm here for the dog.
Jack : Maybe he's over you.
Paul : Oh, I've missed you.
Jack : Well, my work here is done.
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Jack : [to a guy who works in tv] TV? I love tv. "Buffy" is my life. So into Willow being a les, did you have anything to do with that?
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Jack : When I first saw you I could tell you were bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders and about 30 on your hips.
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Jack : Have you lost your mind as well as your looks? I ain't babysitting.
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Jack : [to Will, about Elliott] Would it have killed you to acknowledge that he exists, or were you too busy high-kickin' it with Nikki Kidman at the Moulin Rouge?
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Jack : Uma Thurman-Hawke, hide me.
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[Two kids are making fun of another kid]
Jack : Oh, my God, that mean bully act is so 1983 I could vomit.
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Jack : So, K, how's it going with the divorce? Do we know what we're getting yet?
Karen : Well, we'll find out next week after the hearing, but I'm not worried. All we have to do is show that Stan cheated on me - which the filthy pig did - no hard feelings - may he rot in hell - I love him to pieces - the fat turd. And I get half of everything.
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Jack : Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here.
Cam : I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.
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[Jack has his feet up on Grace's table]
Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more. Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World.
Grace : Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass?
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Jack : Who gets married on twenty-thou? My dress alone will cost fifteen.
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Jack : Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks.
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Grace : Who's Diane?
Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her.
[Grace looks hurt]
Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her?
[Grace gets up and walks out]
Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.
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[On Lorraine]
Jack : We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The Gilmore Girls'.
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Karen : Wilma, I forget, which are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait! I'll do a little test. There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and it's on fire. Which one do you save?
Will : Why are they in a tent?
Karen : Oh, Will! I'm trying to do you a favor. I want to hook you up with my cousin Barry!
Jack : What? Why him? He's hideous!
Jack : [to Will:] No you're not.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's revolting!
Jack : [to Will:] That's not true.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's disgusting!
Karen : Oh, and when you meet him, where something tight. You've got good stuff in there.
Will : What am I, a sausage?
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Karen : How about a toast...
Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby.
Will : I can't believe you told her.
Grace : I can't believe you told him.
Will : He doesn't count, he never listens.
Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed.
Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we?
Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?
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Jack : There are no straight men. Only men who haven't met Jack.
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Jack : Are there any Hobbits left in America?
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Jack : Lesson for today: Though the eyes are the window to the soul, the zipper is the window to the underwear.
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Jack : But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.
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Jack : Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had meant men and women to be together, he would have given them both penises.
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Jack : Can you contact me with Jude Law?
Psychic Sue : He's not dead.
Jack : I know, but I still want to make contact with his other side.
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[Will just made a bad joke]
Jack : Please keep that to yourself, the religious right already hates us enough.
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[Will and Jack are in the car and Will does "the soccer mom arm save"]
Will : I just don't think I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jack : What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save.
Will : So?
Jack : So, you have the instinct.
Will : That wasn't the instinct of a dad, that was the instinct of a person who didn't take out insurance on his passenger.
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[during Karen's wedding]
Jack : Here comes the bride... and she is pissed!
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Kevin Bacon : Man if I had a dollar for every jock strap my stalker stole from me...
Jack : You'd have $187!...
[Kevin Bacon looks at him strangely]
Jack : ...
[nervously]
Jack : It's just an expression.
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Jack : Kiss it, kiss it, spank it.
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Jack : we could play a sport like footskitball
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[Will's date has just called to say he's running late]
Jack : Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off.'
Will : Really. What's gay for 'get out'?
Jack : That would be 'good morning.'
[pause]
Will : [at the same time as Jack] Good morning, Jack.
[Jack leaves]
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[Jack and Will are shopping]
Jack : Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion.
[high-pitched]
Jack : 'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower!
Will : Jack. Isn't that why your membership to the 'Y' was revoked?
[they see Leo at the counter]
Jack : Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter.
Will : I know that guy. That's that horse guy.
Jack : Ooh, me likes the sound of that! Come on, intro-seduce me.
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[during Jack 2001, Jack is singing and dancing to 'Arthur's Theme,' holding up pictures of the moon and New York City]
Jack : The best that you can do - cha cha cha - the best that you can do - Chaka Khan - is fall in love... two, three, four, off. Thank you. Thanks for stickin' round.
Val : Whoo! Yay! Oh, my God, Jack. That was the best show ever. It felt like you were singing only to me.
Jack : Well, for the last seven shows, I was.
Val : Look, I don't know what to say. I just - I really just wanna... officially thank you for coming into my life. It's just that, well, you're my world now.
Jack : Yeah, about that, um... see, the problem is I live here
[holds up the New York picture]
Jack : and I'm thinking you live waaaaaay up here.
[holds up the moon picture]
Jack : .
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Grace : It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over.
Jack : I see. Is this the first time you've had it?
Grace : That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.
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Jack : [looks at Will in a shortie robe] Why the long robe?
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[Jack is protesting a gay kiss being pulled from an NBC show, and has just been told the channel can't promote that lifestyle]
Jack : It's a gay network, for God's sake, the symbol is a peacock!
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Jack : I've always wanted to perform... on the Broadway stage. The wigs, the makeup, the costumes... and then I'd walk to the theater.
