- Miss Banks: That was Mrs. Tingle. She's sick with the flu. She sounded really bad.
- Principal Potter: She hasn't been sick since - in fact, I don't think she's ever been sick.
- Miss Banks: Do you think it's serious?
- Principal Potter: God, I hope so.
- [Both chuckle]
- Leigh Ann Watson: It's completely factual, she was ultimately burned at the stake. It's documented.
- Mrs. Tingle: Always the victim, aren't we, Miss Watson?
- Leigh Ann Watson: Well there are certain similarities between society today and seventeenth century Salem. I guess that would be the irony of it all.
- Mrs. Tingle: I'm well aware of what Irony is, Miss Watson. You, however, should consult your dictionary.
- Leigh Ann Watson: Of course, I wasn't suggesting that it was...
- Mrs. Tingle: Irony is the opposite of what is or might be expected. For example, if Miss Watson was expecting an A on her history project, she might find the actual result to be - rather ironic.
- Coach Winchell: But it's me, Spanky.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: [behind a locked door, impersonating Mrs. Tingle] What are you doing here - Spanky?
- Coach Winchell: I miss my - Chilly Mama.
- Mrs. Tingle: Mr. Churner? Dare I even ask?
- [Luke rises from his desk, walks up to the front of the classroom and places a rock on Mrs. Tingle's desk]
- Luke Churner: Plymouth Rock.
- Mrs. Tingle: Your work, Mr. Churner, is very reminiscent of a young man who sat in that same chair some 20 years ago. He, too, had the words "No future" printed on his forehead... Do give your father my best.
- Principal Potter: I was thinking...
- Mrs. Tingle: No, don't do that Mr. Potter, we still prefer that bristling wind effect you have on us.
- Mrs. Tingle: Oh, by the way... happy birthday.
- Principal Potter: It's not my birthday, Mrs Tingle.
- Mrs. Tingle: No, not your natal birthday, the AA one. You've been sober, how long is it now?
- Principal Potter: Four years.
- Mrs. Tingle: There! I knew it was this week. Me and dates, you know, that's the curse of being a history teacher. Well congratulations, that's quite an accomplishment. Just think, not one sip of alcohol in over four years, that's almost... unbelievable
- [after accidentally firing a crossbow and nearly killing the teachers pet]
- Mrs. Tingle: Don't tease us, Mr. Berry. When you shoot, make it count.
- Brian Berry: It wasn't... I-I mean-I didn't think that...
- Mrs. Tingle: No, because that would require a cerebrum, and a few other missing parts.
- Mrs. Tingle: You present yourself with such self-assured tenacity, but your fear shows around the edges. You can do better.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: We're trying, Mrs. Tingle. Work with us.
- Leigh Ann Watson: What's the matter, Mrs. Tingle? Getting scared yourself?
- Mrs. Tingle: Oh no! Ms. Watson, things are just starting to get fun.
- Leigh Ann Watson: I am not scared of you.
- Mrs. Tingle: Who do you think you're fooling? You're so scared I can smell it. Your fear is the most predictable thing about you. You've lived your whole life in fear. Terrified of making a mistake, scared to death you won't get that A, that ticket out. Afraid you'll never escape your mother and her name tag. Or your father who won't return your calls. That's why you shunned Luke and every other boy who has ever tried to put his hands on you. You're afraid of getting that bad seed. Afraid of giving birth to a child you never wanted. A child you could only blame for your own wretched existence. Stuck in a small town with a small name. Destined to become that very thing you despise the most. I know all about it, Leigh Ann. I wrote the book! I know you.
- Mrs. Tingle: Luke's a man, Jo Lynn. He'll always pursue that which is unobtainable. It's in his nature.
- Mrs. Tingle: [DELETED POST-CREDIT SCENE: closeup of a door. There is a knock, and the doorbell rings. The door is opened by an unseen homeowner. Standing just outside is an all-too-familiar figure, well-dressed and carrying a suitcase] Hello. My name is Eve Tingle.
- [Smiling, she opens the suitcase to display its contents]
- Mrs. Tingle: Would you care to purchase some lovely encyclopedias?
- Miss Gold: Trudie Tucker is a pale faced Harvard trust fund twit whose good grades are a result of good ass kissing.
- Mrs. Tingle: I requested those materials some time ago.
- Principal Potter: We don't have the money.
- Mrs. Tingle: Mr. Potter, I'm sure if you take another look at that nasty budget, ingenuity will abound. So, thank you in advance.
- Leigh Ann Watson: Listen, I need your senior prophecy for the last issue. The deadline's tomorrow.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: I don't know what to say. I hate that senior shit.
- Leigh Ann Watson: Just think of where you'll be in 20 years.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: You're the writer, do it for me.
- Leigh Ann Watson: Okay, how about, Miss Jo Lynn Jordan, famous film star, last seen...
- Jo Lynn Jordan: In rehab popping Percodan, recently divorced from gay husband.
- Leigh Ann Watson: Perfect.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: What does yours say?
- Leigh Ann Watson: I haven't done mine yet.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: Allow me. Leigh Ann Watson, famous journalist, wins the Pulitzer Prize for her personal yet searing account of being a 38 year old virgin.
- Leigh Ann Watson: Watch it.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: Simple reminder.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: It was this little voice inside of me that just said, Do it!
- Leigh Ann Watson: That's why it's a little voice, Jo Lynn. You're not supposed to listen to it.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: No, Leigh Ann. You've gotta listen.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: [impersonating Marilyn Monroe] I ask you to ask not what your mistress can do for you, but what your mistress can do for your country.
- Faye Watson: Look at this. This is brilliant. My little girl the writer. You're gonna make it. You're gonna get out of here. I just know it.
- Leigh Ann Watson: You didn't do so bad.
- Faye Watson: Yeah. But you're gonna go all the way.
- Leigh Ann Watson: So, you really think this is an A?
- Faye Watson: You're the A. That teacher of yours isn't gonna know what hit her.
- Luke Churner: Why is it we never dated?
- Jo Lynn Jordan: We did! Almost. Once. We were this close to hooking up at Mandy Kate's birthday party. Sophomore year, when I was still an A cup with braces. It was kind of a disaster.
- Luke Churner: Tempting, isn't it? Sort of brings up all those moral questions.
- Leigh Ann Watson: Slither away.
- Luke Churner: [sees and Leigh Ann and Jo Lynn embracing] Can we make this a three way? What do you say? Now, what are you two lovely ladies doing on this hard, wooden floor?
- Luke Churner: You know, she looks kinda like that movie, you know, where the demon chick upchucks all over everybody.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: Oh, God, I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored. I can't believe you don't have a TV. I mean, it's like not having toilet paper. I could be at home, watching Sally Jesse or Oprah or Jerry. Where else are you gonna see: Man Has Sex Change To Become Lesbian?
- Jo Lynn Jordan: Oh, it is wicked.
- Leigh Ann Watson: And wrong and immoral, and...
- Luke Churner: So is she.
- Luke Churner: What do you think?
- Jo Lynn Jordan: Black mail?
- Luke Churner: Dirty pictures. I'll get into bed with Tingle, and we'll use them to threaten her.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: Oh, how scandalous. I love it!
- Mrs. Tingle: Your concern begins and ends with Leigh Ann. Don't worry, Luke. She's attracted to you. I can tell.
- Luke Churner: No, Leigh Ann's pretty repulsed by me.
- Mrs. Tingle: Oh, come on, Luke. You've gotten one or two cheerleaders drunk in your time. You know a thing or two about women. Cleopatra rebuked Anthony simply because she desired him.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: It'll work! Just this once, Leigh, for your future. All of ours.
- Luke Churner: I don't even have a future, but I know I don't want to go to jail.
- Jo Lynn Jordan: Okay, Operation Scandal underway. Now, we need, uh, a plan. We need supplies. We need one naked high school student...