The Royle Family (1998–2012)

Ricky Tomlinson: Jim Royle, Jim

Photos 

Quotes 

• Denise Royle : Dad! Your flies are undone!

  Jim Royle : Ah, the cage might be open, but the beast is asleep.

  Barbara Royle : Beast, my arse!

• Denise Royle : Dad, stop fiddling with yourself.

  Jim Royle : I'm not fiddling with meself, I paid a quid for these underpants and I've got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse.

  Barbara Royle : She's right. If you're not picking your arse, you're picking your teeth.

  Jim Royle : I'll pick what I want in me own house and when she gets her own house she can pick what she likes--her nose, her arse, her teeth. Just go and treat yourself.

  Barbara Royle : Oh, I'm ashamed of this family, I am really.

• Jim Royle : I'm gonna go and have a chat with the Arabs.

  Cheryl Carroll : What d'ya mean Jim?

  Jim Royle : Mustapha Crap.

• Barbara Royle : Is there 'owt on, Jim?

  Jim Royle : No.

  Barbara Royle : 'Ey Jim, Jim, d'ya fancy an early night?

  Jim Royle : There must be bloody something on, mustn't there!

• Jim Royle : [on Christmas Day]  This is one day of the year we all get together to watch the bloody television, and look at this shite they put on!

• Jim Royle : Anne Robinson, my arse! Watchdog? I am watching a bloody dog!

• [Emma and her parents have been invited to the house for Christmas Day; Jim is telling Roger about his career prospects] 

  Jim Royle : I've joined the dance

  Roger Kavanagh : What dance is that, Jim?

  Jim Royle : The REDUNdance

• Jim Royle : Woah-ho, if you lot take my advice, you won't go near that lavatory for at least half an hour and whatever you do don't strike a bloody match.

  Denise Royle : Dad, we've got company.

  Jim Royle : Well, it's only Dave, he's as bloody bad.

  Denise Royle : Why do you have to announce it every time you go to the toilet?

  Jim Royle : I'm only making polite conversation, what's the do with her?

  Denise Royle : Well, we could do without it, thanks all the same.

  Jim Royle : [to Barbara]  And what do you keep buying that bloody cheap toilet paper for? It's cutting my arse to ribbons.

  Denise Royle : Mam, tell him, he's doing it on purpose now.

  Barbara Royle : When I was buying the dear stuff you complained.

  Jim Royle : [taken aback]  I didn't.

  Barbara Royle : You did, said you 'may as well wipe your arse on pound notes.

  Jim Royle : [Jim starts to laugh hysterically]  Oh, yeah, I did, yeah, I did, yeah.

• Barbara Royle : [in a discussion of homosexuals]  Well, I don't care what anybody is--I don't care whether they're gay, straight or Australian. It's what they're like as a person that matters.

  Jim Royle : Aye, aye Barb, steady on there, will ya? This ain't Live Aid you know, its just my bloody birthday.

  Barbara Royle : Oh, you're a sarcastic bugger, you are, Jim!

• Denise Royle : [to Dave]  Every time you do a gig round here, that cow is there!

  Jim Royle : What's going on now?

  Barbara Royle : Oh, they're arguing about Beverly Macca.

  Jim Royle : She's all right, Beverly. She's a tasty little piece.

• Norma Speakman : Would you like a sandwich, love?

  Dave Best : No thanks, Nana.

  Norma Speakman : There's no Picalilly left in this jar.

  Jim Royle : You're joking. Do you think we can continue with the celebrations in the face of that revelation?

• Barbara Royle : [about Norma]  To be honest, I think she might have to stay another week.

  Jim Royle : Another bloody week? Over my dead body!

  Barbara Royle : Jim, she thinks the world of you.

  Jim Royle : Thinks the bloody world of me? You'd think when she had a family-sized bag of bloody Revels, did she offer me one? Did she shite! She sat on her big fat arse and commented on every single one that she put into her big fat gob!

  Jim Royle : [imitating Norma eating the Revels]  Oo, coconut. OH oo orange! Oh Malt bloody Teasers!

  Barbara Royle : Oh? Is that it, then? We can't look after my own mother because she wouldn't share a bag of Revels? Grow up, Jim!

  Jim Royle : Me grow up! She makes me un-bloody-plug everything before we go to bed! And she's got the blanket on all night!

  Barbara Royle : If it had been your mum and dad, God rest their souls, I'd have done anything for them!

  Jim Royle : She should be in her bloody home!

  Barbara Royle : Well, she is in a home! She's in our home and that's where she's staying, with her family that loves her!

  Jim Royle : [imitates Norma again]  Oo caramel, I think. Oh no, it's not caramel, I think it's er--oh it's coffee I think it's coffee! Greedy old cow!

• Barbara Royle : [about her mother on the phone]  It's shocking, really, you know--she's 82.

  Jim Royle : Why? What's happened?

  Barbara Royle : Well, she went down the Precinct and she had this voucher--and it was one day out of date and the miserable sod of a manager wouldn't let her have the money off!

  Jim Royle : How much was it worth?

  Barbara Royle : 20p.

  Jim Royle : 20p? It'll cost her more than that to ring every bugger she knows to tell!

• Barbara Royle : [talking to Denise, who obviously isn't listening]  Oh--you know that Donna who works with me. Well, she only works half-days - afternoons. And her mam usually picks the kids up for her; anyway--her mam's going into hospital and she won't be able to pick the kids up for her. So, Donna wants to swap to mornings, so--she has to see Pauline. So, she goes and sees Pauline and she says "Can I swap to mornings?" and she tells her, you know, about her mam going to hospital and all that. And Pauline's not having any of it--she's got herself in a right pickle. What's she going to do?

  Denise Royle : What are you on about?

  Barbara Royle : Donna!

  Jim Royle : What's the matter with her?

  Barbara Royle : Well, her mam, you see, normally picks the kids up for her in the afternoons after school--but she's going into hospital so she won't be able to. So Donna wanted to swap--Pauline won't let her. So she's stuck with someone to pick the kids up for her, ain't she?

  Jim Royle : Well, what's that got to do with you? I mean it's not your bloody problem, is it?

  Barbara Royle : I'm just telling you!

  Jim Royle : Well, don't you think I've got enough to worry about myself?

  Barbara Royle : [sighs]  You've no interest in anyone but yourself, Jim.

• Norma Speakman : [after Dave agrees to take her home]  Oh, you're a good'n. I'll leave you something nice in my will.

  Dave Best : Hey--why wait till then? There'll be plenty of room in the back of the van when you get out--I've had my eye on that clock of yours.

  Norma Speakman : Ha, ha--you cheeky begger. Hugh Scully'd give us a few bob for that.

  Denise Royle : Will you stop talking about Nana dying?

  Jim Royle : Yeah! Have a little bit of respect--wait till she's gone out of the door.

  [laughs] 

  Jim Royle : Oh, I'm only joking, Norma--bloody hell, it'll be a sad day in this house when you snuff it... if we don't get that clock.

  Barbara Royle : Oh--he hasn't got a heart, Mam--he's got a swinging brick.

• Norma Speakman : May God forgive you, Jim Royle, for talking ill of the dead like that.

  Jim Royle : I wasn't speaking ill of the dead, I was speaking about you, the living bloody dead!

• Dave Best : 'Ey, I'm rough today, me, me guts are well off, I had a bad pint last night.

  Jim Royle : I bet you washed them down with a few more, though, didn't you?

  Antony Royle : How d'ya know if it's a bad pint?

  Dave Best : Cos you can shit through the eye of a needle.

  Jim Royle : Where did you go?

  Dave Best : Pear Tree.

  Jim Royle : Bloody hell, you don't wanna drink in there.

  Dave Best : Well, I know that now, don't I?

  Jim Royle : Bloody hell. He doesn't clean his pumps him.

  Antony Royle : No, actually the lager's all right.

  Jim Royle : How would you know, soft lad?

  Antony Royle : Dad, I'm 15.

  Jim Royle : 'Ey! Listen, if I ever catch you in The Feathers, I'll clip you round the bloody ear, you do not shit on your own doorstep!

  Dave Best : I nearly did last night, I couldn't get the key in quick enough.

• Norma Speakman : Where's your best man, Barry, innit?

  Dave Best : No, Gary. He's got to work, he can't get the morning off, he's coming straight from the butcher's.

  Jim Royle : It's all we want, innit, the church stinking of bloody mince.

  Twiggy : Ey, you know what'll happen, don't ya, he'll put his hand in his pocket for the ring and pull out a pork chop.

• Norma Speakman : Ey, I tell you who is in hospital, Gwen's husband.

  Barbara Royle : Ooh, what's he having done?

  Norma Speakman : He's having something fitted.

  Jim Royle : What--a wardrobe?

• Barbara Royle : [talking about Cheryl]  Have you asked her to be bridesmaid?

  Denise Royle : Aw, yeah, aw, she was thrilled.

  Jim Royle : Bridesmaid, my arse, she'll look like a bloody Easter egg on legs.

  Antony Royle : Yeah, and the only reason you're having her as a bridesmaid is to make you look better.

  Denise Royle : Get lost, Antony!

  Barbara Royle : Is she really on a diet?

  Denise Royle : Yeah.

  Barbara Royle : D'ya think she'll ever get married?

  Antony Royle : Who'd have her?

  Jim Royle : Stevie Wonder.

  Antony Royle : [laughs]  Yeah.

• Mary Carroll : Look at Antony's hair. He looks like a little choirboy.

  Jim Royle : He looks like a little gay boy.

• Jim Royle : Get your coat on, Barb.

  Barbara Royle : Are you taking me with you?

  Jim Royle : No, I'm gonna turn the fire off... of course I'm taking you. I wouldn't leave you here on me birthday, would I? Better bring your purse.

  Barbara Royle : [quietly]  Ugh.

• Denise Royle : You're tight as a crab's arse, you, Dad.

  Jim Royle : Crab's arse, my arse, it's two pound fifty phoning next door!

• Barbara Royle : Antony, take that chicken out to the bins, will you, love? That chicken will start to stink if we leave it out.

  Antony Royle : Mam, I've just sat down,

  [points at Jim] 

  Antony Royle : what about lazy-arse here?

  Barbara Royle : 'Ey! There's to much swearing in this house.

  [turns to Jim] 

  Barbara Royle : That's you, that is, Jim, you've taught him that!

  Jim Royle : Taught him my arse!

• Norma Speakman : Is this hat too far forward?

  Jim Royle : No, we can still see your face.

• Antony Royle : Who's stunk that toilet out?

  Barbara Royle : Who d'ya think?

  Jim Royle : Well, that's what it's for isn't it? Where d'you expect me to shit? You'd soon have something to worry about if I crapped in the kitchen.

• [On hearing that Denise is pregnant] 

  Jim Royle : At least you can do something bloody properly!

• Jim Royle : [talking about Joe]  Look out, here comes Mastermind.

• Barbara Royle : Give us a go of that new lippy, Denise. It's a lovely colour, innit? You know I can't usually wear red, it does nothing for me. Can't wear red, can I, Jim?

  Jim Royle : No, that's what's held you back all these years.

  Barbara Royle : D'ya know I am looking my age, it's these last few months it's crept up on me. Mind you it could be worse, at least I've still got me schoolgirl figure.

  Jim Royle : I must clean that mirror.

  Denise Royle : Get lost, Dad, Mam's got a great figure for a woman her age.

  Barbara Royle : It's gonna be really tempting working at that baker's. I don't wanna put any weight on before the wedding, I want to get meself a really nice little suit.

  Jim Royle : Why don't you go in your school uniform, it still fits you, doesn't it?

• Jim Royle : Antony, if that's the invisible man, tell him I can't see him.

• Barbara Royle : Get the door, will ya, Antony?

  Antony Royle : I have to do everything around here!

  Jim Royle : It's probably Snow White looking for you, Grumpy!

• Jim Royle : Your bloody Nana's bloody more interested in bloody Coronation bloody Street than the baby!

  Barbara Royle : Jim, how many bloodies is that?