The Royle Family (1998–2012)

Craig Cash: Dave Best, Dave

Photos 

Quotes 

• Norma Speakman : Would you like a sandwich, love?

  Dave Best : No thanks, Nana.

  Norma Speakman : There's no Picalilly left in this jar.

  Jim Royle : You're joking. Do you think we can continue with the celebrations in the face of that revelation?

• Norma Speakman : [after Dave agrees to take her home]  Oh, you're a good'n. I'll leave you something nice in my will.

  Dave Best : Hey--why wait till then? There'll be plenty of room in the back of the van when you get out--I've had my eye on that clock of yours.

  Norma Speakman : Ha, ha--you cheeky begger. Hugh Scully'd give us a few bob for that.

  Denise Royle : Will you stop talking about Nana dying?

  Jim Royle : Yeah! Have a little bit of respect--wait till she's gone out of the door.

  [laughs] 

  Jim Royle : Oh, I'm only joking, Norma--bloody hell, it'll be a sad day in this house when you snuff it... if we don't get that clock.

  Barbara Royle : Oh--he hasn't got a heart, Mam--he's got a swinging brick.

• Dave Best : 'Ey, I'm rough today, me, me guts are well off, I had a bad pint last night.

  Jim Royle : I bet you washed them down with a few more, though, didn't you?

  Antony Royle : How d'ya know if it's a bad pint?

  Dave Best : Cos you can shit through the eye of a needle.

  Jim Royle : Where did you go?

  Dave Best : Pear Tree.

  Jim Royle : Bloody hell, you don't wanna drink in there.

  Dave Best : Well, I know that now, don't I?

  Jim Royle : Bloody hell. He doesn't clean his pumps him.

  Antony Royle : No, actually the lager's all right.

  Jim Royle : How would you know, soft lad?

  Antony Royle : Dad, I'm 15.

  Jim Royle : 'Ey! Listen, if I ever catch you in The Feathers, I'll clip you round the bloody ear, you do not shit on your own doorstep!

  Dave Best : I nearly did last night, I couldn't get the key in quick enough.

• Norma Speakman : Where's your best man, Barry, innit?

  Dave Best : No, Gary. He's got to work, he can't get the morning off, he's coming straight from the butcher's.

  Jim Royle : It's all we want, innit, the church stinking of bloody mince.

  Twiggy : Ey, you know what'll happen, don't ya, he'll put his hand in his pocket for the ring and pull out a pork chop.

• Dave Best : [Jim, Dave and Denise are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The previous question was Ethanol is a form of which substance?]  Alcohol. I thought you would've known that, Denise.

  Denise Royle : I've never even drank ethanol.

• Denise Royle : Shall we go down The Feathers for the last hour?

  Dave Best : No, I'm knackered.

  Denise Royle : OK. I'm not bothered anyway--we can always stay in and watch the telly.

  Dave Best : Is there owt on?

  Denise Royle : No.

  Dave Best : Well, we may as well go down the Feathers then.

  Denise Royle : You were too knackered to go a minute ago!

  Barbara Royle : Oh, let him go for a drink if that's what he wants!

  Denise Royle : I just asked him! He said he was too knackered to go!

  Dave Best : Do you wanna go or what?

  Denise Royle : I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not going now anyway--you've annoyed me.