The Royle Family (1998–2012)

Caroline Aherne: Denise Best, Denise Royle, Denise

Photos 

Quotes 

• Denise Royle : Dad! Your flies are undone!

  Jim Royle : Ah, the cage might be open, but the beast is asleep.

  Barbara Royle : Beast, my arse!

• Denise Royle : Dad, stop fiddling with yourself.

  Jim Royle : I'm not fiddling with meself, I paid a quid for these underpants and I've got about 50 pence worth stuck up me arse.

  Barbara Royle : She's right. If you're not picking your arse, you're picking your teeth.

  Jim Royle : I'll pick what I want in me own house and when she gets her own house she can pick what she likes--her nose, her arse, her teeth. Just go and treat yourself.

  Barbara Royle : Oh, I'm ashamed of this family, I am really.

• Denise Royle : [yelling at Dave after going into labour with him not there]  Trust you not to be here when me waters broke! You right useless lump of shite!

• Jim Royle : Woah-ho, if you lot take my advice, you won't go near that lavatory for at least half an hour and whatever you do don't strike a bloody match.

  Denise Royle : Dad, we've got company.

  Jim Royle : Well, it's only Dave, he's as bloody bad.

  Denise Royle : Why do you have to announce it every time you go to the toilet?

  Jim Royle : I'm only making polite conversation, what's the do with her?

  Denise Royle : Well, we could do without it, thanks all the same.

  Jim Royle : [to Barbara]  And what do you keep buying that bloody cheap toilet paper for? It's cutting my arse to ribbons.

  Denise Royle : Mam, tell him, he's doing it on purpose now.

  Barbara Royle : When I was buying the dear stuff you complained.

  Jim Royle : [taken aback]  I didn't.

  Barbara Royle : You did, said you 'may as well wipe your arse on pound notes.

  Jim Royle : [Jim starts to laugh hysterically]  Oh, yeah, I did, yeah, I did, yeah.

• Denise Royle : [to Dave]  Every time you do a gig round here, that cow is there!

  Jim Royle : What's going on now?

  Barbara Royle : Oh, they're arguing about Beverly Macca.

  Jim Royle : She's all right, Beverly. She's a tasty little piece.

• Barbara Royle : [talking to Denise, who obviously isn't listening]  Oh--you know that Donna who works with me. Well, she only works half-days - afternoons. And her mam usually picks the kids up for her; anyway--her mam's going into hospital and she won't be able to pick the kids up for her. So, Donna wants to swap to mornings, so--she has to see Pauline. So, she goes and sees Pauline and she says "Can I swap to mornings?" and she tells her, you know, about her mam going to hospital and all that. And Pauline's not having any of it--she's got herself in a right pickle. What's she going to do?

  Denise Royle : What are you on about?

  Barbara Royle : Donna!

  Jim Royle : What's the matter with her?

  Barbara Royle : Well, her mam, you see, normally picks the kids up for her in the afternoons after school--but she's going into hospital so she won't be able to. So Donna wanted to swap--Pauline won't let her. So she's stuck with someone to pick the kids up for her, ain't she?

  Jim Royle : Well, what's that got to do with you? I mean it's not your bloody problem, is it?

  Barbara Royle : I'm just telling you!

  Jim Royle : Well, don't you think I've got enough to worry about myself?

  Barbara Royle : [sighs]  You've no interest in anyone but yourself, Jim.

• Norma Speakman : [after Dave agrees to take her home]  Oh, you're a good'n. I'll leave you something nice in my will.

  Dave Best : Hey--why wait till then? There'll be plenty of room in the back of the van when you get out--I've had my eye on that clock of yours.

  Norma Speakman : Ha, ha--you cheeky begger. Hugh Scully'd give us a few bob for that.

  Denise Royle : Will you stop talking about Nana dying?

  Jim Royle : Yeah! Have a little bit of respect--wait till she's gone out of the door.

  [laughs] 

  Jim Royle : Oh, I'm only joking, Norma--bloody hell, it'll be a sad day in this house when you snuff it... if we don't get that clock.

  Barbara Royle : Oh--he hasn't got a heart, Mam--he's got a swinging brick.

• Norma Speakman : [talking about Dave and Denise's honeymoon]  So, where is it you're going again?

  Denise Royle : Tenerife.

  Norma Speakman : Ooh, that'll be gorgeous, won't it! Me and your grandad went to Blackpool for a week in a B&B. It's a Harry Ramsden's now, which is quite fitting as we met in a fish shop, It was after the town hall dance, I went there with my friend Betty.

  Barbara Royle : Oh, Betty.

  Barbara Royle : She married a joiner, moved to Leeds, he knocked her about a bit, but her home was lovely.

  Mary Carroll : Do you ever hear from her, Norma?

  Norma Speakman : No, I never liked her even when we were best friends.

• Barbara Royle : [talking about Cheryl]  Have you asked her to be bridesmaid?

  Denise Royle : Aw, yeah, aw, she was thrilled.

  Jim Royle : Bridesmaid, my arse, she'll look like a bloody Easter egg on legs.

  Antony Royle : Yeah, and the only reason you're having her as a bridesmaid is to make you look better.

  Denise Royle : Get lost, Antony!

  Barbara Royle : Is she really on a diet?

  Denise Royle : Yeah.

  Barbara Royle : D'ya think she'll ever get married?

  Antony Royle : Who'd have her?

  Jim Royle : Stevie Wonder.

  Antony Royle : [laughs]  Yeah.

• Denise Royle : You're tight as a crab's arse, you, Dad.

  Jim Royle : Crab's arse, my arse, it's two pound fifty phoning next door!

• Denise Royle : [talking about Dave and Beverly Macca]  Every time when I come out of the toilet she was round him, right, like flies, right, round shit.

  [to Dave] 

  Denise Royle : And you're the shit, and she? She's not even the fly because she's too fat to be the fly and she's the shit and that's what they are, they're two shovels of shit.

  Barbara Royle : You don't have to bring shit into it, love.

• Denise Royle : I'm only not smoking in front of Baby David until he's old enough to get up and walk out of the room, then it's his choice.

• Barbara Royle : Give us a go of that new lippy, Denise. It's a lovely colour, innit? You know I can't usually wear red, it does nothing for me. Can't wear red, can I, Jim?

  Jim Royle : No, that's what's held you back all these years.

  Barbara Royle : D'ya know I am looking my age, it's these last few months it's crept up on me. Mind you it could be worse, at least I've still got me schoolgirl figure.

  Jim Royle : I must clean that mirror.

  Denise Royle : Get lost, Dad, Mam's got a great figure for a woman her age.

  Barbara Royle : It's gonna be really tempting working at that baker's. I don't wanna put any weight on before the wedding, I want to get meself a really nice little suit.

  Jim Royle : Why don't you go in your school uniform, it still fits you, doesn't it?

• Cheryl Carroll : [talking about Anthony]  Has he got a girlfriend yet?

  Denise Royle : Yeah... His hand

• Dave Best : [Jim, Dave and Denise are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The previous question was Ethanol is a form of which substance?]  Alcohol. I thought you would've known that, Denise.

  Denise Royle : I've never even drank ethanol.

• Denise Royle : Shall we go down The Feathers for the last hour?

  Dave Best : No, I'm knackered.

  Denise Royle : OK. I'm not bothered anyway--we can always stay in and watch the telly.

  Dave Best : Is there owt on?

  Denise Royle : No.

  Dave Best : Well, we may as well go down the Feathers then.

  Denise Royle : You were too knackered to go a minute ago!

  Barbara Royle : Oh, let him go for a drink if that's what he wants!

  Denise Royle : I just asked him! He said he was too knackered to go!

  Dave Best : Do you wanna go or what?

  Denise Royle : I wanted to go in the first place. I'm not going now anyway--you've annoyed me.