- Dave the Lighting Guy: I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Say, have you seen that movie Clash of the Titans?
- Joe Young: Oh yeah, the greek mythology.
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass!
- Dave the Lightning Guy: [to Joe] I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Dude, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you got a hot ass!
- Joe Young: Thanks.
- Joe Young: They want me to do a sequel.
- Lisa: A sequel, to "Death of a Salesman"? Doesn't he die at the end of the first?
- Joe Young: Yes, but he has a twin brother, and he wants revenge.
- Lisa: Revenge? But, doesn't he kill himself?
- Joe Young: No, no, that's what you were led to believe. He was killed by the C.I.A for selling smack... to Nazis...
- Lisa: Wow!
- Maxxx Orbison: Put your tongue in her mouth, for Christ's sake!
- Joe Young: How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?
- Maxxx Orbison: What's your name, again?
- Sancho: I am Sancho.
- Maxxx Orbison: Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time. What makes you think that you'd be good enough for porno?
- Sancho: I am Sancho.
- Maxxx Orbison: Great... but what do you do?
- Sancho: What do I do? I am Sancho.
- Maxxx Orbison: And...?
- Sancho: And there are many Jeffs in the world, and many Toms as well. But I... am Sancho.
- Maxxx Orbison: And...?
- Sancho: Are you Sancho? No you are not. Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford is not Sancho. But I...
- Maxxx Orbison: You... are Sancho!
- Sancho: That's right.
- Maxxx Orbison: Okay, you're hired.
- White Stunt Cock: [to the filmmakers] Hey, how ya doin'?
- White Stunt Cock: [to Joe Young] Hey, how ya doin'?
- White Stunt Cock: [to Candi, Saffi, and Ben] Hey, how ya doin'?
- [Graphic sex begins offscreen]
- Joe Young: You see, when the Mormons first arrived, they didn't have any money...
- DVDA Porn Actress: They should've done DVDA.
- Joe Young: DVDA?
- DVDA Porn Actress: Yeah, double-vaginal double-anal. It's the only way a woman of my age will get work in this industry. If you don't think that splits me open like a turkey on Thanksgiving, heh...
- Dave the Lighting Guy: HEY, LADY! We're ready for the DVDA shot!
- DVDA Porn Actress: [smiles] Nice talkin' with ya, kid.
- Dave the Lighting Guy: [as Joe is about to film his first scene] Lights are on and stable captain. WOO-HOO, let's see some fuckin' action!
- [Joe is introduced to the young actresses he'll be co-starring with]
- Joe Young: Oh... I, I can't say that.
- Maxxx Orbison: Say what?
- Joe Young: What are they called?
- Maxxx Orbison: The Assfuck Twins.
- Joe Young: I can't say that. Can we call them something else?
- Maxxx Orbison: But they're the Assfuck Twins.
- Joe Young: Well I know, but um, couldn't I call them the Naughty Twins or something?
- Maxxx Orbison: No, you *couldn't* just call them the Naughty Twins. They're the Assfuck Twins. Why would you call them The Naughty Twins when they get fucked in the ass all the time?
- Joe Young: Well, that's pretty naughty.
- [Dave recounts a painful memory of why he quit Hamster Style kung fu]
- Young Ben: Dad?
- Ben's Father: Hmm?
- Young Ben: I don't think I'm gonna do Hamster Style anymore.
- Ben's Father: That's nice.
- [Flashback pans back to the present]
- Ben Chapelski: [tearfully] And that's how it went down, man!
- Lisa: [to Maxxx] You pig, you're responsible for degrading all of those women.
- Clark: Equally degradable in pornographic films.
- Lisa: Men are always in a position of power.
- Rodgers: They're the ones who want the product so bad, they're the victims.
- Lisa: Well, it exploits men by exploiting women.
- Clark: Hence, it exploits people.
- Maxxx Orbison: [pissed off] SHUT UP!
- Clark: Yeah.
- Maxxx Orbison: I do what i do and i make a lot of money and i don't care what i do to people because they're all idiots.
- Clark: Yeah.
- Maxxx Orbison: Especially you Clark, you pig fucking hunk of shit!.
- Clark: Yeah.
- Joe Young: But if you're such a scientific genius,don't you think Heavenly Father has something more important planned for your life?
- Ben Chapelski: Who?
- Joe Young: You.
- Ben Chapelski: ...What?
- Georgi: My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant! Isn't that cool?
- Joe Young: We're from The Church of Jesus Christ.
- Old Lady: Oh, the Mormons?
- Joe Young: That's right. I'm elder Young and this is elder White.
- Old Lady: Well, you two boys can just fuck right off.
- Joe Young: Ma'am?
- Old Lady: You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigfuckers.
- [Joe Young has just zapped Maxxx Orbison several times with the Orgazmorator]
- Ben Chapelski: Dude! He's never gonna wanna have another orgasm again!
- Joe Young: One more time for Jesus.
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Everybody say, "Geddy Lee!"
- Joe Young: Who's Geddy Lee?
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Geddy Lee, best bass player EVER, come on!
- Everybody: Geddy Lee!
- [Dave snaps photo]
- G-Fresh: Those punks from across the street came in the other day and just whupped my sorry black ass!
- T-Rex: Hi fellas, I'm ready to fuck.
- Orgazmo: Huh?
- T-Rex: You want me on top?
- Orgazmo: Uh... NO! I'll be on top!
- T-Rex: You're gonna make me cum, or I'm gonna kick your butt!
- Maxxx Orbison: Aaaand... action!
- [T-Rex throws Orgazmo down and starts dry humping him]
- T-Rex: Oh! Come on nah! Come on nah! You make me so hot nah! You make me so hot!
- [a nude mariachi band is playing at Maxxx Orbison's party]
- Dave the Lighting Guy: These guys kind of sound like Depeche Mode!
- [DVDA singing "Now You're a Man, Man"]
- DVDA: What makes a man, is it the woman in his hands / Just 'cause she's got big titties / Is it the way he fights every day / Naw, it's probably the titties / Now you're a man, (hey) a man, a man, a man / Now you're a man, man, (hey) a man, a man, a man, /Now you're a man, man, (hey) an M-A-N man, man, man, man / Now you're a man
- Maxxx Orbison: You get me some nice close-ups... and you give me a nice slow zoom, starting with a medium closeup on the cock... and then widening out to an establishing shot.
- Camera Man: Genius.
- Maxxx Orbison: Okay people, let's go! Lights on!
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Lights are on. It's stable, Captain, Woohoo! Let's see some fuckin' action!
- Maxxx Orbison: Dave?
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Yeah?
- Maxxx Orbison: Calm down.
- Dave the Lighting Guy: Right. Sorry.
- Interviewer: What's the difference between Orgazmo and your previous porn titles, like Schindler's Fist?
- Maxxx Orbison: I really think history will describe Orgazmo better than I possibly could.
- Doctor: Your testicles have grown to the size of Florida oranges.
- Maxxx Orbison: Don't you think I notice THAT? Tell me something I don't know, you cocky PRICK!
- Doctor: I am going to have to amputate your pee pee.
- [G-Fresh gets hit in the head with a bat several times offscreen. When it shows him again, he only has a bloody lip]
- G-Fresh: Aw, dat hurt so much!