Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Steve Whitmire: Kermit the Frog, Rizzo the Rat, Beaker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rizzo : He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie.

• [Billy Bones has apparently died] 

  Rizzo : He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie!

  Billy Bones : [Billy Bones suddenly wakes up and, without opening his eyes, grabs Gonzo's nose to pull him closer]  Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! You've always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.

  Gonzo : I'm not Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.

  [Nods at Jim] 

  Gonzo : *He's* Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.

  Billy Bones : [Billy Bones grabs Jim's shirt and pulls him closer]  Jim?

  Jim Hawkins : Yes, Captain?

  Billy Bones : Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!

  Jim Hawkins : Yes, Captain, what is it?

• Captain Abraham Smollett : [shouting flabergasted]  Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen! so who hired them?

  [Everyone points at Young Squire Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger] 

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Your finger hired the crew?

  Squire Trelawney : No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew: Mr. Bimbo.

  [Holds finger to ear] 

  Squire Trelawney : What? Ah, yeah, he relied heavily on the advice of an excellent cook, Long John Silver.

  Captain Abraham Smollett : A cook? And a guy who lives in a bear's finger?

  Squire Trelawney : Exactly!

  Captain Abraham Smollett : [Smollet and Mr. Erroll sigh heavily]  I'm starting to worry about this voyage.

  Mr. Samuel Erroll : Mm-hmm...

• Captain Abraham Smollett : Bejamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.

  Benjamina Gunn : Sorry? No, no, sorry doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the ALTAR!

  Captain Abraham Smollett : I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.

  Benjamina Gunn : You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet. My mother came all the way from France! I was wearing her white lace dress! The cake was filled with lemon CUSTARD!

• Mr. Samuel Arrow : Any man caught dawdling will be shot on sight.

  Captain Abraham Smollett : I didn't say that.

  Mr. Samuel Arrow : I was just paraphrasing.

• Mudwell the Mudbunny : [sobbing]  Dead Tom's dead. Long John shot him!

  Walleyed Pike : But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.

• Jim Hawkins : Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.

  Gonzo : Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.

  Squire Trelawney : Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.

  Rizzo : Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

  [Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs] 

  Benjamina Gunn : Going somewhere, John-John?

  Long John Silver : Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

• Rizzo : What's wrong?

  Gonzo : It just feels so weird.

  Rizzo : You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?

  Gonzo : Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.

  Rizzo : You and your hobbies.

• Rizzo : I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.

• Jim Hawkins : I hate my life.

  Gonzo : I hate your life, too.

  Rizzo : If I had a life, I'd hate it.

• Rizzo : You know, the ocean. The big blue wet thing.

• Squire Trelawney : Well, gentlemen, this is definitely a genuine bona-fide treasure map.

  Jim Hawkins : Really?

  Squire Trelawney : Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.

  [pause] 

  Squire Trelawney : Oh, Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger. He's very smart. He's been to the moon.

  [puts finger to his ear] 

  Squire Trelawney : Oh, thank you... twice.

  Rizzo : I smell a bozo.

• Captain Abraham Smollett : [Captain Smollet and Mr. Arrow are fighting the pirates, and Sweetums comes running at them with a large log]  Watch out Mr. Arrow!

  Captain Abraham Smollett : [Sweetums then takes all the pirates out with the large log. Smollet and Arrow look at each other for a moment]  Well thank you! But, aren't you supposed to be fighting against us?

  Sweetums : Are you kidding? I LOVE you guys!

  Captain Abraham Smollett , Mr. Samuel Erroll : Oh.

  Sweetums : Bwa ha ha...

• Gonzo : [singing]  Every storm we ride is its own reward.

  Rizzo : [singing]  And people die by falling overboard.

• Mr. Samuel Arrow : That will be 40 lashes and then you walk the plank.

  Captain Abraham Smollett : I didn't say that, Mr. Erroll.

  Mr. Samuel Arrow : I was anticipating your whim, sir.

• Rizzo : Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.

  Gonzo : Are we lucky or what?

• Benjamina Gunn : You left me standing at the altar.

  Captain Abraham Smollett : I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.

  Benjamina Gunn : You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet.

• Rizzo : He's some kind of a blind fiend.

  Gonzo : I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

• Captain Abraham Smollett : Where to, Captain Hawkins?

  Jim Hawkins : To wherever the wind may take us!

  Gonzo : Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

  Rizzo : Oh, brother! Here they go again!

• [Jim and Gonzo have been listing the different directions of the compass and what lies that way] 

  Mrs. Bluberidge : To the northwest dirty dishes!

  Gonzo : How does she do that?

  Jim Hawkins : Might as well start. I'll wash.

  Rizzo : I'll dry.

  Gonzo : I'll break.

• Jim Hawkins : That's the raging volcano? He's a frog.

  Rizzo : Hey, hey, maybe he gets hopping mad.

• Benjamina Gunn : Smolly, can it be you?

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Benjamina.

  Benjamina Gunn : Hi-yah!

  [Karate chops Smollett, sends him flying into the gong] 

  Captain Abraham Smollett : [to the gong ringer]  Old girlfriend.

• Long John Silver : Touching reunion, Benjamina. This seems to be your day for renewing old... acquaintances.

  Benjamina Gunn : Oh! Well... hello, Looooong John.

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Oh, no! Him too?

  Benjamina Gunn : Well, if you'd married me...!

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Well, what does that have to do with it?

  Benjamina Gunn : I'm a pig! I need commitment!

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Commitment?

  [They begin to bicker madly] 

• [Trelawney tosses brandy out the window for the third time; screams; two annoyed rats appear at the window] 

  Rat with Pipe : You wanna knock it off with the booze? It's peeling the paint off of the shuffleboard court.

• Rizzo : [after Jim and Long John leave]  Well, it looks like the human beings wanna hang out together. Don't wanna hang out with a rat and a... uh... um...

  Gonzo : Whatever.

  Rizzo : Yeah!

• Gonzo : Rizzo! You lost all the bullets!

  Rizzo : Well, you're losing the powder!

• Mr. Samuel Arrow : By the way, that Silver fellow, may not be trustworthy.

  Rizzo : [to Gonzo]  Ha ha. Now he tells us.

• Rizzo : [Billy Bones has just died]  We are standing in a room with a dead guy!

• Rizzo : [greeting rat tourists into the ship]  Alright folks, have your checks made out to Rat Cruises Limited. Remember: We put the "rat" in "pirate".

• Jim Hawkins : [sung]  I look around here and I want to cry.

  Rizzo : Ah, me too.

  Jim Hawkins : [sung]  I feel like the world is passing me by.

  Gonzo : It is.

  Jim Hawkins : [sung]  And I just can't help but wonder am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it till I die.

  Gonzo : Oh, I hope not.

  Jim Hawkins : [sung]  When I could be an explorer...

  Gonzo : Sure you could.

  Jim Hawkins : [sung]  ... sailing off to distant lands...

  Gonzo : Wait! Not so fast.

  Jim Hawkins : [sung]  ... 'stead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands. My future looks like nowhere that I want to be.

  Jim Hawkins , Rizzo , Gonzo : [sung]  There's got to be something better, something better...

  Jim Hawkins : [sung]  There's got to be something better than this for me.

• Rizzo : If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants.

• Rizzo : I got the bullets! Here they are! They

  [he lifts the bang by the bottom, so all the bullets spill out the top and off the shelf] 

  Rizzo : Whoops!

• Rizzo : We're standing in a room where the DEAD GUYS ROAM! Aaaaaah!