Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Tim Curry: Long John Silver

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gonzo : I thought pirates had talking parrots as pets.

  Long John Silver : Talking... parrots?

  Polly Lobster : What an imagination. First pirates, now talking parrots, what's next - a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?

• Long John Silver : Upstage, lads. This is my only number.

• Polly Lobster : Clueless!

  Clueless Morgan : Yeah yeah.

  Polly Lobster : Give it to him!

  Mad Monty : Yeah!

  Clueless Morgan : But it's not even his birthday.

  Polly Lobster : No no no no no the paper!

  [Polly Lobster punches Clueless Morgan] 

  Clueless Morgan : This is for you.

  [Clueless Morgan gives Long John Silver the paper with the black spot] 

  Long John Silver : The black spot?

  Mad Monty : Yeah!

  Long John Silver : You dare to give me the black spot?

  Clueless Morgan : He told me to.

  Polly Lobster : What? Shut up will you!

  Long John Silver : Drawn on a page torn from a page from the bible. You tore a page from the holy scriptures, to make a pirates death sentence?

  Clueless Morgan : Here.

  Long John Silver : Oh the red hot gates of hell are creeping open! Satan is heating his pokers for you for you, you blasphemes heathens! Fall down on your knees and beg for deliverance from damnation!

  [Pirates trembling] 

  Clueless Morgan : Please forgive us.

  [Pirates begging for forgiveness] 

  Long John Silver : Very good you're forgiven. Now untie me! And let's go find the treasure!

  [Pirates rejoicing] 

• Jim Hawkins : Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.

  Gonzo : Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.

  Squire Trelawney : Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.

  Rizzo : Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

  [Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs] 

  Benjamina Gunn : Going somewhere, John-John?

  Long John Silver : Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

• Long John Silver : Aw, hell, Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.

  Jim Hawkins : I learned it from my friends, Mr. Silver. Now, take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again. Ever.

• Long John Silver : Touching reunion, Benjamina. This seems to be your day for renewing old... acquaintances.

  Benjamina Gunn : Oh! Well... hello, Looooong John.

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Oh, no! Him too?

  Benjamina Gunn : Well, if you'd married me...!

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Well, what does that have to do with it?

  Benjamina Gunn : I'm a pig! I need commitment!

  Captain Abraham Smollett : Commitment?

  [They begin to bicker madly] 

• Polly Lobster : What if Clueless is right? What if it is curse-did.

  Long John Silver : I'll show you what I think of your curse, you mewling little lily-livered, toffee-hearted little wuss of a crustacean!

• Jim Hawkins : Here you go, your bread and water for the day.

  Mad Monty : But I ordered shrimp scampi!

  Long John Silver : It's more than y'deserve y'villainous dolts!

• Clueless Morgan : It's a sign! This a curséd place!

  Long John Silver : Now there's an informed opinion.

• Jim Hawkins : I'm sorry your present didn't work out.

  Long John Silver : Aww, Jim. Smollet sails by rules and laws. That's what being a captain is all about. Me, I sails by the stars.

  Jim Hawkins : Stars?

  Long John Silver : North, Jim. Find me north out there among them stars.

  Jim Hawkins : [pulls out compass]  Well, that's easy...

  Long John Silver : [takes compass from Jim and holds it overboard]  Ah yeah, but what if you don't have a compass?

  Jim Hawkins : Long John, please don't drop it! It was my father's. It's all I have of his. Please... please...

  Long John Silver : [hands it back]  I'm sorry, lad. I were only fooling. How old were you when he died, then?

  Jim Hawkins : Seven.

  Long John Silver : I were eight when my father died at sea. First mate, he was.

  Jim Hawkins : My father was a first mate, too!

  Long John Silver : Was he now? By the powers, what a coincidence!

  [points to the night sky] 

  Long John Silver : Now, Jim, that be Polaris, the North Star. Even in the China Sea, that's north.

  Jim Hawkins : [points to the star]  North. Polaris. So, we must be heading southwest.

  Long John Silver : Smart as paint you are, lad! Smart as paint! Now, that gets ol' Long John to wondering: why would we be sailing southwest? The scuttlebutt among the crew is that, um, we're sailing for buried treasure... and, uh, someone on board has a map. 'Course, none of my concern, Jim. I'm just a ship's cook. Such matters are best suited to Captain Smollet. He runs this ship, not I.

  Jim Hawkins : Come on, Long John. You could captain this ship.

  Long John Silver : That I could, lad. Maybe someday I will.

  [laughs] 

• Polly Lobster : [as they are in a rowboat bound for the island where the treasure is]  This is a lucky break, captain letting us go ashore. Us with the map and all; it's like giving the treasure to us on a silver platter.

  Long John Silver : Aye, that it is, Polly. Never trust a silver platter.

• Long John Silver : Flint hung 'em up there after he'd gullied them to mark the trail to the treasure.

• Polly Lobster : [the pirates see the Hispaniola sailing to them, seemingly unmanned]  It's coming dead for us!

  Clueless Morgan : It-It's the ghost of Captain Flinty!

  Mad Monty : He's coming to kill us!

  [the pirates, except for Silver, scream and run away] 

  Long John Silver : Come back here you cowards!

  [Looks back at the ship with a glare] 

  Long John Silver : ... Hawkins!

• Long John Silver : Well, look at us, Jim! We're a festival of conviviality!