- Kyle Grant: [Robert has gotten a Dubrow Alert] Dad, wait, I'm not done.
- Robert Grant: Yes, you are. She hates kids. She once kicked Big Bird in the nuts!
- La Farge: When I was in the sewer once, I saw a turtle that was so big it looked like a Volkswagen with a tail.
- Robert Grant: [sees Dunston out the window] HOLY SHIT!
- Mrs. Feldman: [to Mrs. Winthrop] He must really hate the Four Seasons.
- Robert Grant: No, no!
- [shouts hysterically after seeing Dunston and La Farge slaps him]
- Lionel Spalding: Why is everyone in this hotel always slapping me?'!
- [La Farge slaps him again]
- Brian Grant: [to Kyle] If anything happens to me, there's a box of magazines under my bed.
- Kyle Grant: Yeah?
- Brian Grant: Get rid of 'em, okay?
- Lord Rutledge: From the look of my soup I'd say someone in your kitchen has a serious hair loss problem.
- Robert Grant: Kyle, I know you're upset about the vacation, but that is no excuse to throw a guest's dog into the garbage.
- Kyle Grant: I didn't throw him in the garbage.
- Robert Grant: Then, what happened? No, no, don't tell me, let me guess. You decided to give him a coffee-ground bath to improve his coat.
- Kyle Grant: He jumped off the dog walk.
- Robert Grant: The dog is suicidal? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
- Kyle Grant: He smelled the monster on the ledge and jumped over.
- Robert Grant: Oh, it makes perfect sense now. He smelled the monster on the ledge. It is the smelly ledge monster.
- Brian: [to Kyle] Way to blow the tip, psycho.
- Brian Grant: Dad's gonna kill you when he finds that you lost his camcorder.
- Kyle Grant: I didn't lose it. The gorilla did.
- Brian Grant: All right, the gorilla did.
- Kyle Grant: When we get back, you'll see.
- Mrs. Dubrow: Where did it come from?
- La Farge: Well, when two orangutans fall in love...
- Robert Grant: I think she means how did it get into the hotel.
- Lord Rutledge: You know, I do all sorts of tricks. Do you know what my specialty is?
- Kyle Grant: No.
- Lord Rutledge: I can make noisy little boys disappear.
- [Failing to nail Norman with the fountain in the lobby]
- Kyle Grant: Uh-oh! Air shaft to basement, we have a problem!
- Brian: [Through the radio] What?
- Kyle Grant: We hosed a guest!
- Brian: Abort mission! Repeat, abort mission!
- [Kyle quickly crawls out of the air shaft]
- Robert Grant: I'm giving you a week's paid vacation.
- Consuelo: Thank you.
- Robert Grant: On one condition: you have to go running out of this office right now, crying.
- Consuelo: [starts up tears] Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Ahhhhh.
- Victor: Fluffy towels.
- Robert Grant: Excuse me?
- Victor: Read the cards, Robert. You gotta keep up on the cards. You know what the guests want?
- Lionel Spalding: His name is Neil, after Neil Armstrong
- [in baby talk voice to Neil]
- Lionel Spalding: The first man on the moon, yes he was.
- Brian: You do realize we'll probably end up living in a Motel 6?
- Robert Grant: Yep! Sounds pretty good to me.
- [on his phone after seeing Dunston in the greenroom on the roof]
- Robert Grant: Call security and get them up here! Everybody! Everybody! And call the best animal control in the city. And Nancy, Nancy - call Kyle, and, uh... apologize for me.
- [hangs up, begins hyperventilating]
- Robert Grant: I got a monkey in my hotel!
- [Dunston has a cigarette in his mouth]
- Lord Rutledge: I thought you were giving up.
- [rolls his eyes]
- Lord Rutledge: It'll stun your growth; now give it back.
- [Dunston shakes his head]
- Lord Rutledge: [annoyed] Dunston, I'm a little too busy with your ever-so-amusing little games. Now will you please give it back?
- [Dunston spits the cigarette out, nailing Lord Rutledge in the face, and laughs]
- Lord Rutledge: Monkey spit, how delicious.
- Robert Grant: [of Rutledge] He tied you up?
- Kyle Grant: Yes, and he's gonna hurt Dunston if he finds him!
- Robert Grant: Okay. You guys, you split up, you find the monkey, and you take him upstairs to the apartment. I'm gonna take care of Lord Rutledge.
- Robert Grant: Brian, no Poker, no videos, and no using the security room for your own little voyeuristic pleasures!