Friends (1994–2004)
David Schwimmer: Dr. Ross Geller, Russ
Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
Ross : We were on a break!
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[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]
Ross : Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner : Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
Ross : How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
Ross : I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!
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[Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel]
Ross : I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.
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Ross : First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.
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[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Monica : Sex!
Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler : It's like a big hug.
Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Ross : Sex!
Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey : I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel : Come on, you have to answer.
Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
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Phoebe : Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross : Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel : Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross : That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel : Ok, you got a better one?
Ross : Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel : Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe : By Sandrine.
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[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding]
Ross : A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!
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[Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes]
Ross : Curie.
Rachel : Veto. Rain.
Ross : Veto. Mark.
Rachel : Veto. Vince.
Ross : Veto. Lance.
Rachel : Veto. James.
Ross : Hmmm...
Rachel : If it's a girl.
Ross : Veto.
Phoebe : Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?
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Ross : [after trying to kiss his cousin]
[thinking]
Ross : Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER.
[actually speaking to his cousin]
Ross : I haven't had sex in a very long time.
[thinking again]
Ross : Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.
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[Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants]
Ross : C'mon man, just take 'em off, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun.
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Mike Hanigan : You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you?
Ross : No...
Mike Hanigan : Oh okay. You just have that look.
Ross : [to himself] Damn SuperCuts!
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Ross : I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool."
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Ross : Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler : Du-ude!
Monica : What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross : Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler : Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"?
Ross : ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls.
Monica : You kissed a guy? Oh my God.
Chandler : In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
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Ross : If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.
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Ross : You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!
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Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe : Oh, yeah!
Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica : Absolutely.
Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
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Ross : [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.
Phoebe : [wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?
Rachel : He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe : Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"
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[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
Ross : Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.
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[Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross]
Mona : Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home?
[Ross enters with his gift for Mona]
Rachel : What are you talking about? I live here.
Ross : [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day.
[Mona stares angrily at Ross]
Ross : Or, something to remember me by...
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Rachel : [upset] All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.
Ross : Seriously?
Rachel : Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
[she starts crying]
Rachel : And it was uneven for weeks.
Ross : [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
Rachel : Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
[pause]
Rachel : And I was thinking Claire Danes.
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Ross : [to his parents] Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
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Ross : [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller.
Jack Geller : DR. Ross Geller.
Ross : Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...
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Ross : My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us.
Monica : Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross : Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you.
Chandler : Well, did-did you correct him?
Ross : No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
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[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]
Jack Geller : Come on, tell us.
Jack's friend : Yeah. Is she really 20?
Richard : I'm not telling you guys anything.
Jack Geller : Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
Ross : Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Jack Geller : Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
Richard : Jack, would you let it go?
Jack Geller : Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.
Richard : Guys, seriously, it's not like that.
Jack Geller : Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...
Ross : Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
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Monica : I am so jealous.
Rachel : You guys are really just right there.Aren't you?
Chandler : Yes... Right where?
Monica : The beginning, where it's all sex and talking and sex and talking...
Chandler : Yeah you gotta love the talking.
Monica : And the sex?
Chandler : Alright we hadn't have sex yet. Okay. What's the big deal?This is special. I want our love to grow before moving to the next level.
Rachel : Oh, chandler, that is so nice.
Ross : That is really nice... Lying! No way is that the reason.
Rachel : Why? Just because you're not mature enough to understand something like that?
Chandler : He's right. I'm totally lying.
Monica : Then what is it?
Chandler : Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross : And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes?
Chandler : No. I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
Ross : I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler : Yes and I was saying the actual words.
Monica : Big deal. So Joey has had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's great in bed.
Chandler : We share a wall. So either is great in bed, or she just liked to agree with him a lot.
Monica : With you it's gonna be different. The sex is gonna be great because you guys are in love.
Chandler : Yeah?
Ross : Just go for it Chandler.
Monica , Rachel : Yeah you should.
Chandler : All right. All right. I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.
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Ross : Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?
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Ross : [waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom] Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
Richard : No.
Ross : Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
Richard : I have a little comb.
Ross : Oh. And what do you call that?
Richard : A moustache comb.
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Ross : No divorces in '99!
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Ross : Mississippilessly?
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Chandler : You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers.
Ross : All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won.
Chandler : Ross came in fourth and cried.
Ross : Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm.
Chandler : That was you.
Ross : Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.
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Rachel : So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler : It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel : Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross : Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel : You shouldn't.
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Ross : [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on.
[gets second line]
Ross : Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on.
[returns to second line]
Ross : Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend.
[switches back to second line]
Monica : Give me that.
[into phone]
Monica : Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house?
[pause]
Monica : Oh, hi mom.
[starts throwing things at Ross]
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Ross : That sandwich was the one good thing in my life. Someone ate the one good thing in my life.
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Ross : Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin?
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Ross : I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Joey , Chandler : That's nice.
Ross : No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
Joey : Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross : Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.
Chandler : What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey : He should take the sack?
Ross : Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler : Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey : Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
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Ross : What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!
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Resident's Commitee Member : [pinning up warning notice] Watch out for this guy. They say he's looking for some kind of Hot Girl.
Ross : Who isn't?
Neighbour : [doesn't laugh]
Ross : Hi, I'm Ross, I'm new to the building.
Neighbour : Yes, you were the one who didn't chip in for the handyman.
Ross : Never mind.
Neighbour : Actually, I thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. You had just moved in.
Ross : I had just moved in! Thank you!
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Ross : [she's lost his monkey] This is just classic Rachel! You're off in Rachel land with no thought for people's feelings or monkeys!
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Ross : I went through the same thing with Carol and you know what I did? I got dressed really quickly.
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Monica : [as the movers are moving a dresser out of the bedroom] Careful with that, it was my Grandmother's. Be careful.
[Two more movers are moving the giant white dog statue from the balcony]
Monica : If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[She hands the one mover some money]
Ross : [Looking around the now empty apartment] Wow.
Rachel : I know. Seems smaller, somehow.
Joey : Has it always been purple?
Chandler : [to the babies] Look around, you guys. This was your first home... and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter. But, more importantly, 'cause of rent control, it was a friggin' steal.
Phoebe : Hey, do you realize that at one time or another, we all lived in this apartment?
Monica : Oh yeah, that's true.
Ross : Uh, I haven't.
Monica : No, what about the Summer during college that you lived with Grandma? And you tried to make it as a dancer.
Ross : [as everyone awkwardly stares at him] Do you realize we almost made it 10 years without that coming up?
Monica : [to Chandler] Oh, Honey, I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys.
Chandler : Oh, okay.
[as Monica and Chandler take their keys out of their pockets and place them on the kitchen counter, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey, also, take out their keys to Monica's apartment and place them on the kitchen counter]
Phoebe : I guess this is it.
Joey : Yeah... I guess so.
Monica : [Crying] This is harder than I thought it would be.
[Chandler kisses Monica on her head, then hugs her, as Ross does the same to Rachel, whom is also crying, with Ross also hugging Monica, while still hugging Rachel, with Phoebe crying as well]
Rachel : What, do you guys have to move to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica : [Monica and Chandler look at each other, with Chandler nodding in agreement] We got some time.
Rachel : Okay, should we get some coffee?
Chandler : Sure.
[They begin walking towards the front door to exit the apartment]
Chandler : Where?
[They group is then seen in the hallway, coming out of the apartment, walking to the stairway, as the camera pans Monica's now-empty apartment, panning from the balcony window into the kitchen, past the refrigerator, to the front door, and finally zooms in on the front door's peephole, which is still surrounded by the yellow picture frame]
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Monica : Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.
Chandler : No.
Monica : Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.
Chandler : ...All right.
Joey : YEAH.
Chandler : But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.
Monica : Ok, so who's going to be there?
Chandler : No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.
Ross : Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
Chandler : Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
Joey : [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...
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Ross : Did you see the kid on that nose?
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Ross : You're crazy!
Benjamin Hobart : Crazy? Or... Romantic?
Ross : Crazy!
Benjamin Hobart : Ooor...
Ross : Get out!
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Ross : I'm FINE!
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Ross : [Long, serious lecture] All of which proves that I thought of Jurassic Park first.
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Ross : NO FALAFEL FOR YOU!
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Phoebe : [singing in the Hospital] At first they're so cute and soft to the touch/ Then they grow up and resent you so much/ Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why/ and you cry and you cry and you cry/ and you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry... Thanks Ross!
Ross : I'm paying you to STOP!
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Ross : Cat!
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Joey Tribbiani : [whispers] Not knowing when to shut up!
Ross : Yep, that's my thing...
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Ross : There was nothing in your father's fridge except Heavy Cream and Bacon. I think I solved the mystery of the heart attack.
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Ross : I KNEW YOU'D BE MY DEATH, PHOEBE BUFFAY!
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Ross : You deserve someone who knows what he has when he has you.
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Ross : So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine!
Rachel : Oh yeah... I've done that
Ross : And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword!
Rachel : I've never done that
Ross : And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!
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Dr. Leonard Green : So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for,
[points at Mona]
Dr. Leonard Green : so you could hang around with this tramp!
Mona : *Tramp*?
Ross : Oh, uh; Dr. Green, Mona; Mona, Dr. Green.
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Dr. Leonard Green : Rust is boat cancer, Ross!
Ross : I lost an aunt to that.
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Ross : It's always been you, Rachel!
[they kiss and are happy until a minute and a half later, when Rachel notices her name on Chandler's Computer Screen]
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Ross : You're going to destroy the Whole Illusion of the Party!
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Ross : Ugly Baby Judges you!
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Ross : "Ooh, I must Take a Mental Picture"!
Phoebe : You were making fun of Parker? Okay so he's Positive and Energetic and maybe that's a bit much, but I like that about him. You wanna know what I think? I think your collective dating record reads like a Who's Who of Human Crap!
Ross : ...What was wrong with Mona?
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Ross : There's going to be Hoopla?
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Ross : My Dad would say "Why are you messing around with Dinosaur Toys? Why don't you go out and play like a Real Boy!"
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Ross : Eeee!
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Ross : Come here to me...
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Rachel : You really think I didn't say "goodbye" because I don't care?
Ross : That's what it seemed like.
Rachel : I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know *one* thing about me.
Ross : Fine. Then why didn't you say something?
Rachel : Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! Okay? So if you think that, that I didn't say "goodbye" to you because you don't mean as much to me as everyone else, you're wrong. It's because you mean *more* to me. So there! All right? *There's* your goodbye!
Ross : Rach!
Rachel : What?
Ross : You ca - ! You keep - ! You can't - !
Rachel : What?
[Ross kisses her]
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[repeated line]
Ross : Hi...
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Rachel : What's the matter with you?
Chandler : Some mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat!
Rachel : No?
Joey : You're kiddin'?
Ross : It was ridiculous. These guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel : Oh, hi.
Ross : Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler : Oh...
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler : Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
