Friends (1994–2004)

Matt LeBlanc: Joey Tribbiani

Photos 

675 more photos

Quotes 

• Rachel : See? Unisex.

  Joey : Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago.

  Rachel : No, Joey, U-N-I-sex.

  Joey : I wouldn't say no to that.

• [Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms] 

  Chandler : Condoms?

  Joey : We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.

  Chandler : And condoms are the way to do that?

• [repeated line] 

  Joey Tribbiani : How you doin'?

• Joey : Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.

  Rachel : A moo point?

  Joey : Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.

  Rachel : Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?

• Joey : I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.

  Chandler : That was five years ago.

  Joey : I know. You got five more years.

  Chandler : Joey...

  Joey : You want to make it six?

• Chandler : I got her machine.

  Joey : Her answering machine?

  Chandler : No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.

• [after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice] 

  Phoebe : Where's Chandler?

  Joey : He's grieving.

  [We see Chandler running outside] 

  Chandler : I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

• Joey : So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?

  Ross : Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.

  Joey : They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.

• [Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding] 

  Joey : Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?

  Monica , Chandler : Yeah.

  Joey : We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.

  [Monica and Chandler look impressed] 

  Joey : It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.

  [later] 

  Joey : Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?

  Chandler : Yeah, yeah. Okay.

  Joey : When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.

  Monica : How bout receiving?

  Joey : Yes!

• Joey : Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?

  Chandler : It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

• [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"] 

  Monica : Sex!

  Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster.

  Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.

  Chandler : It's like a big hug.

  Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food?

  Ross : Sex!

  Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs?

  Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.

  Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?

  Joey : I don't know it's too hard.

  Rachel : Come on, you have to answer.

  Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!

• [Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom] 

  Joey : I'm hungry.

  Phoebe : We could eat the wax. It's organic.

  Chandler : Oh great, food with hair on it.

  Phoebe : No, not the used wax.

  Chandler : Because THAT would be crazy.

• Monica : [the Friends are at the beach]  Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat.

  Chandler : [to Joey]  You know that's not really true.

  Joey : Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie.

  Chandler : Why? What happened to him?

  Joey : Nothing; he just really believes that.

• [Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes] 

  [Just been told the patients date of birth] 

  Joey : Age...?

  Patient : Can't you work that out by my date of birth?

  Joey : I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

• Phoebe : They're coming. Run!

  Joey : Where?

  Phoebe : Mexico!

• Joey : I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.

• Joey : Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here.

  Chandler : You've got waaaay too much free time.

• Joey : Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'

  [Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook] 

  Joey : Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.

  [looks all confused] 

  Joey : And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

• Monica : Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

  Joey : I'd probably kill myself.

  Monica : Excuse me?

  Joey : Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live.

  Ross : Uh, Joey... Omnipotent.

  Joey : You are? Ross, I'm sorry.

• [Ross and Joey's first meeting] 

  Ross : [glum]  My wife's a lesbian.

  Joey : Cool.

  Chandler : Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.

• [Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part] 

  Joey : I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.

  Chandler : Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?

  Joey : Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

• Chandler : I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets.

  Joey : What secrets?

  Chandler : Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper.

  [the girls walk away] 

  Joey : You'll tell me later?

  Chandler : You already know.

• Monica : Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?

  Rachel : No, I was going to do this all by myself.

  Joey : [laughs]  You're gonna do it?

  Rachel : Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?

  Joey : Oh, women can. You... can't.

• Joey : I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap.

  Chandler : That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth.

  Joey : OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.

• [Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop] 

  Joey : Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler?

  Gunther : I thought you were Chandler.

  [Joey looks disturbed] 

  Gunther : [motioning to Chandler]  Um, one of you is over there.

• Chandler : And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?

  Joey : Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.

  Chandler : That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

• Monica : Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in?

  Joey : Of course I did.

  Monica : Well, what did you ask her?

  Joey : 'When can you move in?'.

• Joey : You think I need a new walk?

  Chandler : What?

  Joey : Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.

  Chandler : Are you actually saying these words?

• Joey : [drinking a beer on the boat]  Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river.

  [yelling] 

  Joey : Get out of the way jackass.

  [to Rachel] 

  Joey : Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway?

  Rachel : That is the Coast Guard.

• Joey : Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents?

  Monica : No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay?

  Joey : Okay.

  Monica : Give me one more.

  Joey : Okay.

  [hands her one] 

• Joey : I am telling this to Rachel.

  Monica : No, Joey.

  Joey : Unless...

  Chandler : Unless what?

  Joey : Unless you name your first born after me.

  Chandler : What? Why?

  Joey : Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.

  Chandler : Your family name is Tribianni.

  [pause] 

  Joey : Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

• [On living alone] 

  Joey : I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

• Joey : [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour]  Joey Tribianni

  [pause] 

  Joey : 25

  [pause] 

  Joey : Yeah I'm single

  [pause] 

  Joey : Actor... hello?

• Joey : Could you close that window? My nipples could cut glass over here.

  Phoebe : Really? Mine get me out of tickets.

• Joey : You two were having sex.

  Monica : No, we weren't.

  Joey : Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair.

  [to Chandler] 

  Joey : You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?

• Chandler : Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks.

  Joey : Why?

  Chandler : There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met.

  Joey : How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing.

  Chandler : I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in.

  Joey : I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines.

  Chandler : [sarcastically]  It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living.

  Joey : I know.

• Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.

  Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious?

  Phoebe : Oh, yeah!

  Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.

  Monica : Absolutely.

  Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.

  Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.

  Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.

• [Telling Rachel how to be sexy] 

  Joey : There was this movie, "Footloose".

  Chandler : "Flashdance".

  Joey : Where this plumber chick...

  Chandler : She was a welder

  Joey : What, were you like *in* the movie?

• Joey : Va fa napoli.

• Joey : [thinking]  OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel.

  [Rachel walks into the room] 

  Rachel : Hey, sweetie.

  Joey : [thinking]  I love you.

• [Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up] 

  Chandler : Great show. Good work, Joey.

  Joey : You liked it?

  Chandler : Liked it? I loved it.

  Joey : What did you like best about it?

  Chandler : I liked... everything the whole show.

  Joey : What about the specifics?

  Chandler : Specifics? Specifics were the best part.

  Joey : What about the scene with the kangaroo?

  Chandler : I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.

  Joey : You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.

• [Rachel doesn't take his advice] 

  Joey : Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.

• Joey Tribbiani : [after smelling potpourri]  Well, this is like summer in a bowl!

• Joey : Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

• Joey : Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea?

  Phoebe : [weakly]  Uh-huh.

  Joey : This man is my God!

• [Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed] 

  Joey : Aw, man. He took the five of spades.

  [looks through deck] 

  Joey : No, here it is.

• Joey : [during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus']  Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'.

  [notices Rachel is also laughing] 

  Joey : Erectus?

  Rachel : [stifling laugh]  No, 'homo'.

• [talking about Ralph Lauren] 

  Joey : I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.

• Joey : Dude, stop talkin' crazy and make us some tea!

• Ross : I would date her but there is a big age difference.

  Joey : Well think about it when you're 90...

  Ross : I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference.

  Joey : No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

• Ross : [receiving his Christmas gift]  You got me a cola drink.

  Chandler : And a LEMON LIME.

  Ross : You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater.

  Joey : And last but not least.

  [Monica receives her gift] 

  Joey : They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.

• Ross : Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture.

  Joey : Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans.

  [winks at Ross] 

  Ross : Why'd you wink at me?

  Joey : Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much.

• Joey : Pheebs, you wanna help?

  Phoebe : Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

• [after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward] 

  Rachel : Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...

  Joey : I know. I know.

  Rachel : It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.

  Joey : Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.

  Rachel : Yeah I know. I miss that.

  Joey : Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.

  [long, awkward pause] 

  Rachel : My gynecologist tried to kill me.

• [Looking through the ads in a newspaper] 

  Monica : There are no jobs for me.

  Joey : Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?

  Monica : There's an ad for a naked chef?

  Joey : No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.

• Rachel : Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose.

  Joey : Just flip the coin!

• [Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica] 

  Chandler : That was pretty intense, huh?

  Joey : Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.

  Chandler : I hope he did.

• Joey : Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind.

  Chandler : Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

• Joey : Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?

  Ross : Yeah, sure.

  Joey : By someone besides Monica?

• Joey Tribbiani : You don't put words in people's mouths, you put *turkey* in people's mouths!

• Kate Miller : [they are doing a scene]  I have a question about this scene.

  The Director : Yes?

  Kate Miller : Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.

  [Joey plays Victor, she plays Adrienne] 

  The Director : Peel the onion. First of all, he's good-looking.

  Joey : Yeah.

  Kate Miller : I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that.

  Joey : Oh, hey, how about this one? It says so in the script! Y'know, I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.

  Kate Miller : It does not say that in the script.

  Joey : It does in mine!

• [Referring to Janice] 

  Chandler : How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day?

  Joey : I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

  Chandler : Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush.

  [Janice enters Central Perk] 

  Janice : [to Chandler]  Hello Funny Valentine.

  Chandler : Hello, Just Janice.

• Joey : She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.

  Monica : I am so glad you said "cooks".

• Joey : [after talking about Chandler being picky with girls]  Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!

• Joey : Joey doesn't share food!

• Chandler : I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did!

  Joey : Really?

  Chandler : No, freak show! She's fictional!

• Joey : What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.

• Joey : Hey Mon, I got a question for you.

  Monica : Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

• Rachel : I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?

  Joey : Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.

  Monica : Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.

  Joey : Well, I think we all learned something.

• [Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down] 

  Joey : Hey, do you need any help?

  Ross : Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?

• Rachel : Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.

  Joey : [pause]  ... Are we still talking about sex?

• Joey Tribbiani : [upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him]  Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!

• Joey : Hey, I got something for you.

  Chandler : What's this?

  Joey : Eight hundred and twelve bucks.

  Chandler : Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.

• [about Ross being in love with Rachel] 

  Phoebe : This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge?

  Joey : Uh, this?

  Phoebe : Yeah.

• [At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf] 

  Rachel : Joey, you can't steal an award.

  Joey : I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf.

  Rachel : You don't even know what behalf means.

  Joey : I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.

• [Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her] 

  Phoebe : Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.

  Joey : Oh, you do?

  Phoebe : Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.

  Joey : I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.

  Phoebe : Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.

  [under her breath] 

  Phoebe : Kick me in the stomach why don't you.

  Joey : What?

  Phoebe : Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.

  Joey : You think?

  Phoebe : Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?

  Joey : No, not really.

  Phoebe : [under her breath]  Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

• Phoebe : What happens to the old Christmas trees?

  Joey : They go into the chipper.

  Phoebe : Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

• Joey : They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie.

  Phoebe : Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.

  [winks at Joey] 

• [Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment] 

  Judy Geller : Well, we'll get going.

  Jack Geller : Bye.

  [both leave] 

  Monica : Hey. How come they get to leave?

  Joey : Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country.

  Monica : No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.

• Chandler : What are you guys like a gang or something?

  [Joey whispers to Rachel] 

  Joey : Yeah, we are.

  [Rachel whispers to Joey] 

  Rachel : We're the Cobras.

• Joey : Do you practice losing at the Grammys too?

  Rachel : No, at the Grammys, I always win.

• Joey : How come we don't have jam at our place?

  Chandler : Because the kids need shoes.

• Joey : [to Ross]  Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food.

  Chandler : Of course there they'd just call it food.

• Monica : My motto is get out before they go down.

  Joey : That is so not my motto.

• Joey : And look. A phone in the bathroom.

  Monica : Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.

• Chandler : I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like.

  Joey : Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives".

  Chandler : Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.

• Joey : Hey, you know, you could always visit him.

  Phoebe : Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?

• Joey : It's just my character that's not brain-dead.

• Rachel : Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra?

  Joey : I don't have another level!

• Chandler : [about Richard]  Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.

  Joey : Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.

  Richard : Well...

  Joey : No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.

  [Chandler kicks, out of sight] 

  Joey : I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.

  [to Chandler] 

  Joey : What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.

• Joey : Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

• Joey : Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?

  Chandler : Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.

• Monica : [talking about the stock market]  My motto is, get out before they go down.

  Joey : That is so not my motto.

• Joey : Paper, snow, a Ghost!

• Joey : And you call yourself an accountant?

  Chandler : ...No.

• Ross : So, uh, how long are you going to punish him?

  Joey : Five years.

  Ross : You've sentenced him?

  Joey : Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

• Joey : Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!

  Chandler : Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.

  Joey : God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good."

  Chandler : I think somebody has a crush on somebody.

  Joey : Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know?

  Chandler : I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.

• [advising Ross about Rachel] 

  Joey : You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".

• [At an audition] 

  Joey : Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent.

  [with Jamaican accent] 

  Joey : Ya, mon.

• Joey : There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.

• Chandler : And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.

  Joey : Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

• Phoebe : It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain.

  Joey : Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain.

  Rachel : Oh... me too!

  Phoebe : Huh! I bet they're doing it!

• Joey : [can't find the Hot Girl]  Hot Girl? Hot Girl!

• Ross : Hi...

  Joey : Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.

• Joey : I'm a Tribianni! And this is what we do! We may not be great thinkers, or great leaders, we may not be able to run very fast but God Dammit we can eat!

• Janine Lecroix : 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.

  [kisses Joey] 

  Joey : [mumbles]  Oomchimawa.

• Ross : I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

  Joey , Chandler : That's nice.

  Ross : No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.

  Joey : Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

  Ross : Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.

  Chandler : What are you crazy? That's a baby!

  Joey : He should take the sack?

  Ross : Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.

  Chandler : Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.

  Joey : Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

• Joey : Anyway, I started working on what I'm gonna say at the ceremony, you wanna hear it?

  Monica , Chandler : Yeah!

  Joey : Now, listen, it's just the first draft so... "We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. It is a love based on giving and receiving, as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have and receive."

  Chandler : [to Monica]  Shouldn't we call the spitter?

• [Chandler walks in] 

  Joey : You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.

• [Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room] 

  Joey : You can't have s-e-x in front of a b-a-b-i-e

• Joey : What are you worried about? The Vicar will be here any minute.

• Joey : Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a Cowboy spraying Cologne!

• Joey : You bet on the bet and if you lose you lose the bet!

• Joey : You're a pain in my ass, Geller!

• Joey : Ross, if Homo Sapiens were HOMO Sapiens, is that why they're extinct?

  Ross : Joey, "Homo Sapiens" are People.

  Joey : Hey, I'm not Judging!

• Joey : [Chandler and Joey are sightseeing in London]  Alright! Westminster Abbey. Hands down. Best Abbey I ever seen.

  [Joey gets out his digital camera so he can take Chandler's picture in front of the Abbey] 

  Joey : Hey! Ok. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?

  Chandler : Yeah, I think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.

  Joey : Really? To what?

  Chandler : To put the camera away!

  Joey : Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

• Monica : [as the movers are moving a dresser out of the bedroom]  Careful with that, it was my Grandmother's. Be careful.

  [Two more movers are moving the giant white dog statue from the balcony] 

  Monica : If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.

  [She hands the one mover some money] 

  Ross : [Looking around the now empty apartment]  Wow.

  Rachel : I know. Seems smaller, somehow.

  Joey : Has it always been purple?

  Chandler : [to the babies]  Look around, you guys. This was your first home... and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter. But, more importantly, 'cause of rent control, it was a friggin' steal.

  Phoebe : Hey, do you realize that at one time or another, we all lived in this apartment?

  Monica : Oh yeah, that's true.

  Ross : Uh, I haven't.

  Monica : No, what about the Summer during college that you lived with Grandma? And you tried to make it as a dancer.

  Ross : [as everyone awkwardly stares at him]  Do you realize we almost made it 10 years without that coming up?

  Monica : [to Chandler]  Oh, Honey, I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys.

  Chandler : Oh, okay.

  [as Monica and Chandler take their keys out of their pockets and place them on the kitchen counter, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey, also, take out their keys to Monica's apartment and place them on the kitchen counter] 

  Phoebe : I guess this is it.

  Joey : Yeah... I guess so.

  Monica : [Crying]  This is harder than I thought it would be.

  [Chandler kisses Monica on her head, then hugs her, as Ross does the same to Rachel, whom is also crying, with Ross also hugging Monica, while still hugging Rachel, with Phoebe crying as well] 

  Rachel : What, do you guys have to move to the new house right away or do you have some time?

  Monica : [Monica and Chandler look at each other, with Chandler nodding in agreement]  We got some time.

  Rachel : Okay, should we get some coffee?

  Chandler : Sure.

  [They begin walking towards the front door to exit the apartment] 

  Chandler : Where?

  [They group is then seen in the hallway, coming out of the apartment, walking to the stairway, as the camera pans Monica's now-empty apartment, panning from the balcony window into the kitchen, past the refrigerator, to the front door, and finally zooms in on the front door's peephole, which is still surrounded by the yellow picture frame] 

• Joey : Of course it was a line!

  Monica : Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?

  Ross : I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."

• Monica : Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.

  Chandler : No.

  Monica : Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.

  Chandler : ...All right.

  Joey : YEAH.

  Chandler : But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.

  Monica : Ok, so who's going to be there?

  Chandler : No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.

  Ross : Well, actually, I have a date tonight.

  Chandler : Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.

  Joey : [on cell phone]  Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...

• Joey : Want some jam?

  Chandler : No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.

• [Trying to fix up Monica with a date] 

  Joey : Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you.

  Monica : No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.

• Joey : Get your sorry, non-believer ass out of my chair.

• Joey : [living alone]  I thought I'd spend more time with my thoughts, but it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

• Joey : I just dropped by to say you're not a real Doctor! And that woman's brain... is fine.

• Joey : Chandler is a mysterious fellow, one unlikely to take a wife.

• Chandler : We just think Emily might be being a bit... unreasonable.

  Joey : [pointing]  Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!

• Joey : I want to be Mr. Hugglemunch!

• Joey Tribbiani : Opposite is opposite!

• Joey Tribbiani : [whispers]  Not knowing when to shut up!

  Ross : Yep, that's my thing...

• Joey : There's always room for jello.

  Monica : How do you make that dirty?

  Joey : I can do it with anything, look. Grandma's Chicken Salad.

• Felicity : Talk New York to me.

  Joey : Forget about it!

• Joey : It must have been a great play, because I didn't understand a single word of it!

• Joey : Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to God!

• Phoebe : He slept with me and never called!

  Extra 1 : Yeah, me too!

  Extra 2 : And me!

  Joey : She's talking about her Character! We need some new Extras around here...

• Joey : One day you're Dr Drake Ramoray, the next you're eating ketchup straight out of the bottle!

• Joey : I've got a great name for you! Joey! Joey's your friend, Joey's your pal. You can't name a Joey you don't like!

  Chandler : What about Joey Buttafuco?

  Joey : Yeah, that guy really hurt us...

• Joey : What's wrong with me? It looked more delicious when it was a penis!

• Ross : I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake...

  Joey : Mmm.

  Ross : ...with mealworm.

  Joey : Ugh.

• Joey : You're mean in England!

• Joey : This, more than anything, is a staging area.

• Joey's Hand : Hi Daddy! Why don't you live with Mommy? Who's that other Lady? What's a Lesbian?

• Joey : Up is not an option.

• Joey : You know what the best thing about marriage is? Waking up next to the same face every morning, until the sweet release of death.

  Chandler : This is the worst Batchelor Party ever!

• Joey : The guy is like a cartoon!

• Joey : Do you want to hear something weird?

  Phoebe : Always!

• Joey : They say I was so badly injured that the only person who could have saved me was me. It's some kind of Irony...

• Joey : Rachel, if you're going to the airport, could you get me one of those Tobelerone Bars?

• Joey : No, I'm upset because nobody believed Quincy's Theory!

• Joey : I am very wisdomous.

• Phoebe : Oh come on, Joey, I did my best to find someone nice and loose for you!

  Phoebe's Friend : Hey!

  Phoebe : Oh who are you kidding?

  Phoebe's Friend : [shrugs, eats some olives off a cocktail stick] 

  Joey Tribbiani : Oh, don't go!

  Phoebe's Friend : I'll stay if you can tell me my name.

  Joey Tribbiani : Have a great night.

• Joey : [Ululates] 

  Chandler : [Presents the flapping Chicken unto him] 

• Joey : Morning's here! Morning is here!

• Joey : What happens when you flick it?

• Joey : He's finally letting her have it!

• Joey : So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And the next thing you know, you're in the bathtub together and she's feeding you strawberries?

  Chandler : Isn't that what happened with you and the bridesmaid?

  Joey : Yeah! I call that "London style."

  Monica : No, that is not what happened with us.

  Phoebe : Ooh, maybe you should say it is because "London style" sounds nice.

• Chandler , Ross : Hi.

  Rachel : What's the matter with you?

  Chandler : Some mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat!

  Rachel : No?

  Joey : You're kiddin'?

  Ross : It was ridiculous. These guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.

  Rachel : Oh, hi.

  Ross : Hi.

  [they both hug] 

  Chandler : Oh...

  [he turns as if to hug someone] 

  Chandler : Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

• Joey : You're single! Have some hormones!

  Ross : But I don't want to be single. I just want to be married again.

  [Rachel runs in the coffeehouse in a wedding dress] 

  Chandler : And *I* just want a million dollars!

• Joey : Whom.

  [Stunned Silence] 

  Joey : YEAH!