Friends (1994–2004)
Lisa Kudrow: Phoebe Buffay, Ursula Buffay
Photos
Quotes
-
Phoebe : [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
-
[Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"]
Monica : Sex!
Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster.
Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you.
Chandler : It's like a big hug.
Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food?
Ross : Sex!
Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice.
Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?
Joey : I don't know it's too hard.
Rachel : Come on, you have to answer.
Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
-
Phoebe : Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross : Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel : Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross : That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel : Ok, you got a better one?
Ross : Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel : Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe : By Sandrine.
-
Phoebe : Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.
-
[Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes]
Ross : Curie.
Rachel : Veto. Rain.
Ross : Veto. Mark.
Rachel : Veto. Vince.
Ross : Veto. Lance.
Rachel : Veto. James.
Ross : Hmmm...
Rachel : If it's a girl.
Ross : Veto.
Phoebe : Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?
-
[after settling a fight between Monica and Rachel]
Phoebe : Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.
-
[a ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma]
Phoebe : Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine.
Monica : All I have is oregano and a Fresca.
Phoebe : That's okay.
[Adds them]
Phoebe : All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Rachel : OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
-
Phoebe : I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.
-
Phoebe : Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a
[mumble]
Phoebe : handlerrrrr.
-
Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious?
Phoebe : Oh, yeah!
Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica : Absolutely.
Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
-
Ross : [leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap] I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words.
Phoebe : [wide eyed] Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way?
Rachel : He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe : Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"
-
Phoebe : [Rachel's hormones are raging] She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month?
Monica : Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me.
Phoebe : Did not!
Monica : Yes, you did.
[puts on a seductive look]
Monica : Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you.
Phoebe : Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on.
[blows Monica a kiss]
Rachel : Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!
-
Phoebe : Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.
-
Phoebe : A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.
-
Phoebe : Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.
-
Phoebe : [singing] Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.
-
Reporter : I like that. what's your name?
[pointing tape recorder at Pheobe]
Phoebe : Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.
-
Phoebe : Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
-
Phoebe : There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while...
-
Phoebe : [sings] Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!
-
[after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross]
Phoebe : That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?
-
[talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler]
Rachel : Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica : Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe : Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel : Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
-
[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe : Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey : Oh, you do?
Phoebe : Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey : I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe : Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe : Kick me in the stomach why don't you.
Joey : What?
Phoebe : Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey : You think?
Phoebe : Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right?
Joey : No, not really.
Phoebe : [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?
-
Monica : What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe : Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother,
[trying to pronounce her name in French]
Phoebe : Nestlé Toulouse.
Monica : What was her name?
Phoebe : [again trying to pronounce it in French] Nestlé Toulehouse.
Monica : Nestle Toll House?
Phoebe : Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.
-
Phoebe : Hey, can we turn on the TV? I think it's raining outside.
-
Monica : Can you help me fold these napkins?
Phoebe : Sure.
Monica : I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams.
[Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins]
Monica : No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
Phoebe : Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.
-
Chandler : Where is Ross at? Hasn't he checked out yet?
Monica : Are you kidding me? It's not 11:00 yet that means Ross still has 11 mins to check out of the hotel, and Ross has NEVER checked out of a hotel early.
Rachel : Oh yeah that's right. One time Ross and I were at a hotel and we got a late check out... Ross was so happy it was the best sex we ever had!
Phoebe : Ohhhhhhh!
Rachel : That is until he screamed out RADISON at the end.
Phoebe : Yeah that'll kill it.
-
Phoebe : My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.
-
Phoebe : Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?
-
Phoebe : Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.
-
Shrink Boyfriend : Come on, tell me about it.
Phoebe : [Lies down] Well, it's my friends. They have a liking problem. With you. In that... they don't.
Shrink Boyfriend : Oh.
Phoebe : But I do! Me, Phoebe.
Shrink Boyfriend : Well, I can't say I'm surprised. It's what I've come to expect from this kind of co-dependent, dysfunctional group dynamic, this sitting around in your Coffee House drinking from Cups which, I'm sorry, may as well have nipples on them! Saying "Oh, define me, define me! Love me, I need love!"
[they break up]
-
Phoebe : PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK! PICK UP THE SOCK!
-
Phoebe : It's because of stuff like this that you're BURNING IN HELL!
-
Phoebe : Please don't kill yourself. My mother did, I know what I'm talking about. And besides, I wasn't even meant to be working today. Don't you see that the Universe wants you to live?
Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner : [shouts at his coworkers] Do you hear that? I don't need you people. The Universe cares about me! The whole Universe! Ha-ha-ha!
[They ignore him. To Phoebe]
Suicidal Guy who doesn't need Toner : I wish they cared a little bit...
-
Phoebe : You know, we thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
-
Phoebe : You know, this reminds me of the time I was living on the street and this guy said he'd buy me food if I slept with him. Because that was a real problem and this is just some High School crap.
-
Phoebe : There's no such thing as an innocent Burger.
-
Phoebe : I've done some research, and it turns out mink aren't very nice.
-
Phoebe : We're... just saying Goodbye to the Hotel. We LOVE you, Paradise Hotel, Golf Resort and Spa!
-
Phoebe : Are you kidding, that woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a Greek Goddess...
-
Monica : [as the movers are moving a dresser out of the bedroom] Careful with that, it was my Grandmother's. Be careful.
[Two more movers are moving the giant white dog statue from the balcony]
Monica : If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.
[She hands the one mover some money]
Ross : [Looking around the now empty apartment] Wow.
Rachel : I know. Seems smaller, somehow.
Joey : Has it always been purple?
Chandler : [to the babies] Look around, you guys. This was your first home... and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter. But, more importantly, 'cause of rent control, it was a friggin' steal.
Phoebe : Hey, do you realize that at one time or another, we all lived in this apartment?
Monica : Oh yeah, that's true.
Ross : Uh, I haven't.
Monica : No, what about the Summer during college that you lived with Grandma? And you tried to make it as a dancer.
Ross : [as everyone awkwardly stares at him] Do you realize we almost made it 10 years without that coming up?
Monica : [to Chandler] Oh, Honey, I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys.
Chandler : Oh, okay.
[as Monica and Chandler take their keys out of their pockets and place them on the kitchen counter, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey, also, take out their keys to Monica's apartment and place them on the kitchen counter]
Phoebe : I guess this is it.
Joey : Yeah... I guess so.
Monica : [Crying] This is harder than I thought it would be.
[Chandler kisses Monica on her head, then hugs her, as Ross does the same to Rachel, whom is also crying, with Ross also hugging Monica, while still hugging Rachel, with Phoebe crying as well]
Rachel : What, do you guys have to move to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica : [Monica and Chandler look at each other, with Chandler nodding in agreement] We got some time.
Rachel : Okay, should we get some coffee?
Chandler : Sure.
[They begin walking towards the front door to exit the apartment]
Chandler : Where?
[They group is then seen in the hallway, coming out of the apartment, walking to the stairway, as the camera pans Monica's now-empty apartment, panning from the balcony window into the kitchen, past the refrigerator, to the front door, and finally zooms in on the front door's peephole, which is still surrounded by the yellow picture frame]
-
Phoebe : [Imitating someone really annoying] "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?
-
Phoebe : Hey. Why isn't it Spidermen? You know, like Goldmen, Silvermen.
Chandler : Because, it... it's not his last name.
Phoebe : It isn't?
Chandler : No. It's not like Phil Spidermen. He's a spider *man*. You know, like Goldmen is a last name but there's no gold man.
Phoebe : Oh, oh okay...
Phoebe : There should *be* a gold man!
-
Phoebe : Oh, my God! The foster puppets!
-
Phoebe : Stop, you guys! Look what you're doing to Chandler!
-
Phoebe : Leave me behind! I'm just a machine!
-
Phoebe : [making fun of TV] If I don't hold my hair, my head will fall off.
-
Phoebe : [singing in the Hospital] At first they're so cute and soft to the touch/ Then they grow up and resent you so much/ Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why/ and you cry and you cry and you cry/ and you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry... Thanks Ross!
Ross : I'm paying you to STOP!
-
Frank Buffay Jr. : No, it was perfect. Telling you about my likes and dislikes. How I like to melt things and dislike things that don't melt. A hooker tried to break my arm.
Phoebe : She's not a hooker.
Frank Buffay Jr. : Yes, but when I tell my friends about it later, she WILL BE a hooker.
-
Phoebe : This was back when I thought everything that rhymed was true.
-
Phoebe : So it seems that I was born, and then everyone started lying their asses off?
-
Phoebe : They think you're a little intense and creepy. But I don't! Me, Phoebe.
Shrink Boyfriend : Oh, well that's what I expect from this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic.
-
Phoebe : Really? Misery really does love company?
-
Ross : "Ooh, I must Take a Mental Picture"!
Phoebe : You were making fun of Parker? Okay so he's Positive and Energetic and maybe that's a bit much, but I like that about him. You wanna know what I think? I think your collective dating record reads like a Who's Who of Human Crap!
Ross : ...What was wrong with Mona?
-
Phoebe : I just gave birth to three children and I will not see them grow up in a World where Joey is right!
-
Phoebe : Boobs will help us figure it out.
-
Phoebe : I'm not going to let that man make you eat your Baby.
-
Phoebe : Oh come on, Joey, I did my best to find someone nice and loose for you!
Phoebe's Friend : Hey!
Phoebe : Oh who are you kidding?
Phoebe's Friend : [shrugs, eats some olives off a cocktail stick]
Joey Tribbiani : Oh, don't go!
Phoebe's Friend : I'll stay if you can tell me my name.
Joey Tribbiani : Have a great night.
-
Phoebe : Hey, look, I have Elbows! Ahhh!
-
Phoebe : That is Brand New Information!
-
Joey : So how did it happen? Did your eyes meet across the room? And the next thing you know, you're in the bathtub together and she's feeding you strawberries?
Chandler : Isn't that what happened with you and the bridesmaid?
Joey : Yeah! I call that "London style."
Monica : No, that is not what happened with us.
Phoebe : Ooh, maybe you should say it is because "London style" sounds nice.
