The Fast Show (1994–2014)

Charlie Higson: Various Roles, Ralph, Newlywed Husband, Simon, Bob Fleming, Colin Hunt, Mikki Disco

Photos 

Quotes 

• Swiss Toni : Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.

• Ralph : What are you fishing for?

  Ted : Fish.

• Johnny : [Out watercolour painting]  The rain is the sky's blood, pierced by the arrows of foolhardiness!

  Johnny's Wife : Sophocles!

  Johnny : [Holds up a glass of wine]  Ah, the grape! Dark... and black...

  Johnny's Wife : Johnny...

  Johnny : The blackness! The end! Where are we sleeping tonight, Mother? In Father's Grave!

• Johnny : I don't want to die! They wait for me in the forest...

  Johnny's Wife : Johnny?

  Johnny : The mounts are heavy and full of woe! I'm a fly! Trapped in a bottle of shadows!

• Johnny : My word look at that sky! We'll have to work like demons to get it down. Look at the contrasts, the whites, the black... You lock me in the cellar and feed me pins! Pins! Pins! Ew!

  Johnny's Wife : I think we'd better be getting home, now, Johnny.

  Johnny : What's for tea, Mother? Maggots on Toast?

• Johnny : They're here! They're here! They've landed on the Pier!

• Johnny : So cold, the snow! It's all so futile!

• Swiss Toni : For God's sake, Paul, do you not realise! I'm having a nervous breakdown...

• Various Roles : [Repeated line]  Oh. I'm sorry, I've just cum.

• Ralph : [It's Ted's day off and Ted has gone fishing]  What are you fishing for, Ted?

  Ted : Fish.

• Colin Hunt : The Bells! The Bells! Esmerelda!

• Johnny : Listen! Do you hear? The Moon! It's weeping in a Secret Room. They tap at my window, with tiny poles!

• Various Roles : It must be your birthday, Charlie.

  Various Roles : You brought the cake have you?

  Various Roles : I brought the icing.

  Various Roles : You impress me, Mr. McGann.