The Fast Show (1994–2014)

Simon Day: Various Roles, Competitive Dad, Billy Bleach, Gideon Soames, Alcoholic Son, Carl Hooper, Football Host, Tommy Cockles

Photos 

Quotes 

• Carl Hooper : Next week on the show: bats - are they really blind or just takin' a piss out of me?

• Policeman : I've ascertained the time of death as 9.15.

  Monkfish : Have you really? What do you want, a biscuit?

• Football Commentator : Well, Ron Manager, once again the pace and the tempo of that first half totally dictated by the boy wonder, Ryan Giggs.

  Ron Manager : Cor, Ryan Giggs, you know? Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-wiggsy? Mmm? Oh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy. Isn't it? You know, marvellous.

  Tommy : Is he the new George Best?

  Ron Manager : Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? But Giggsy-wiggsy. Precocious talent, isn't he? Mmm? Ooh, got it all, you know? Speed, acceleration, sweet left foot, all the tricks - the dummy, the drop of the shoulder, the shimmy, nutmeg, jiggery-pokery, hocus pocus, abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya. Steve Miller Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.

  Football Commentator : Thank you, Ron. Now, Tommy, it's interesting to see the diamond formation being used again.

  Ron Manager : Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I mean, at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey's wingless wonders. You know? 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3... 0898 654000, freephone double glazing?

  Football Commentator : You've lost me there, Ron. Not sure about that particular formation. But, Tommy, do we need structure? Look at the Brazilians.

  Ron Manager : Oh, those Brazilians, you know? Circa 1970? Broke the mould. Theory out the window. Free expression of football. Uncategorisable. Is that a word? It is now! You know? Far cry from small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Rush goalie. Two at the back, three in the middle, four up front, one's gone home for his tea. Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that. Marvellous.

• Dave Angel : Heey! My name's Dave Angel, eco warrior. Behind me there is my missus Shirley, and we haven't had sex for twelve years, which is fine because we got better things to do.

• Billy Bleach : She was half woman, half fish. Terrible in the kitchen, but a bloody good swimmer.

• Dave Angel : How you doing? Dave Angel here. I'm here with a few of my new pals - Smudge, Tofu, Roadkill and Arabella. And they're protesting about the construction of a brand new motorway which is being built slap bang in the middle of one of the oldest forests in England. Charming wood in fact. It's a beautiful spot. People have been coming here for over a hundred years to picnic, play simple games or walk hand in hand with their nearest and dearest. And they want to bulldoze it all away for a road.

  Various Roles : You tell em, Dave!

  Dave Angel : Take your hands off me, you freak!

• Dave Angel : But Genetically Modified Food? That's messing with Mother Nature's Ballbag.