So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Steven Wright: Pilot

Quotes 

• [Tony is riding in a plane at night in a storm] 

  Tony Giardino : Hey, listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?

  Pilot : It shouldn't take very long.

  [pause] 

  Pilot : Actually, I have no concept of time.

  Tony Giardino : Geez, is this dangerous?

  Pilot : No. Well, you know there's chance in everything.

  Tony Giardino : Look, I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?

  Pilot : Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.

  [pause] 

  Pilot : I've never done it at night.

• Tony Giardino : [the pilot is asleep]  What are you doing? Wake up!

  Pilot : Ooooh man! I was having an amazing dream!

  Tony Giardino : I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!

  Pilot : I was just born, and... I was 8-1/2- months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.

  Tony Giardino : Oh, please, shut up!

  Pilot : Did I already tell you this dream?

• Tony Giardino : How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?

  Pilot : Instruments, instruments!

  Tony Giardino : Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?

  [points to an instrument] 

  Pilot : That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.