So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

Anthony LaPaglia: Tony Giardino

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Quotes 

• Stuart Mackenzie : Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.

  Tony Giardino : So who's in this Pentavirate?

  Stuart Mackenzie : The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

  Charlie Mackenzie : Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?

  Stuart Mackenzie : Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!

• Stuart Mackenzie : Look at the size of that boy's heed.

  Tony Giardino : Shhh!

  Stuart Mackenzie : I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.

  Tony Giardino : Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.

  Stuart Mackenzie : Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.

  Tony Giardino : Shh!

  Stuart Mackenzie : Has it's own weather system.

  Tony Giardino : Sh, sh, shh.

  Stuart Mackenzie : HEAD! MOVE!

• Police Chief : [noticing Tony is depressed]  Tony? I don't want to intrude, but you seem a little down.

  Tony Giardino : Well, Captain, it's about my job.

  Police Chief : Ah.

  [sits down with Tony] 

  Tony Giardino : I'm having doubts about being a cop. You know, it's not like how it is on TV. All I do all day is fill out forms and paperwork. I mean, this is what I do.

  Police Chief : [contemplates]  It's a point well taken, Tony. But you must understand, although it's not exciting, it's a very important part of our work.

  Tony Giardino : Yeah, but in all my times as a cop, I've never gotten to, like, chase a guy across a crowded city square. I've never... I've never hung on to that part of a helicopter. You know that part? Underneath the thing that it lands? Do you, do you know that part?

  Police Chief : Yes, I know that part.

  Tony Giardino : I've never hung onto that. I've never even commandeered a vehicle.

  Police Chief : Now *that* sounds like a lot of fun.

  Tony Giardino : And that's the other thing. You're too nice.

  Police Chief : I'm too nice?

  Tony Giardino : Yeah, you're too nice. Why can't you be like the Captain on "Starsky and Hutch"? You know, when you come in, and you haul me into your office, and you bawl me out because you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the Commissioner? Why cant you do that?

  Police Chief : Well, the truth of the matter is, I don't report to a Commissioner. I report to a committee. Some of whom are appointed, some elected, and the rest co-opted on a bi-annual basis. It's a quorum, so to speak.

  Tony Giardino : A quorum?

  Police Chief : Yeah.

  Tony Giardino : Captain, when I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico. But instead, I'm like... Fish from Barney Miller.

  Police Chief : Hey. Somebody needs a hug!

• Charlie Mackenzie : So, Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?

  Tony Giardino : What do ya mean?

  Charlie Mackenzie : You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.

  Tony Giardino : What do ya mean? I look hip!

  Charlie Mackenzie : No, no, no, no, no, no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip.

  Tony Giardino : I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.

• [first lines] 

  Charlie Mackenzie : Excuse me, miss? There seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the *large* cappuccino. *Hello!* Look at the size of this thing.

  Tony Giardino : It's practically a bowl.

  Charlie Mackenzie : It's like Campbell's Cup-O'-ccino!

  Charlie Mackenzie : [laughing at his Campbell's joke and wiping his tears]  Oh, my sides. Please. Aidez-moi.

• Tony Giardino : Excuse me, sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!

  Commandeered Driver : No.

  Tony Giardino : What do you mean, "no"?

  Commandeered Driver : I happen to know for a fact that you don't have the right to commandeer my vehicle.

  Tony Giardino : Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?

  Commandeered Driver : No.

  Tony Giardino : You're just - you're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?

  Commandeered Driver : No.

• [Tony is riding in a plane at night in a storm] 

  Tony Giardino : Hey, listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?

  Pilot : It shouldn't take very long.

  [pause] 

  Pilot : Actually, I have no concept of time.

  Tony Giardino : Geez, is this dangerous?

  Pilot : No. Well, you know there's chance in everything.

  Tony Giardino : Look, I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?

  Pilot : Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.

  [pause] 

  Pilot : I've never done it at night.

• Tony Giardino : [the pilot is asleep]  What are you doing? Wake up!

  Pilot : Ooooh man! I was having an amazing dream!

  Tony Giardino : I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!

  Pilot : I was just born, and... I was 8-1/2- months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.

  Tony Giardino : Oh, please, shut up!

  Pilot : Did I already tell you this dream?

• Tony Giardino : What's the news?

  Police Chief : Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.

  Tony Giardino : I knew she would! I knew it!

  Police Chief : Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A nutcase!

• Tony Giardino : How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?

  Pilot : Instruments, instruments!

  Tony Giardino : Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?

  [points to an instrument] 

  Pilot : That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.

• May Mackenzie : Wow, you've turned into a right sexy wee bastard. Do you know that?

  Tony Giardino : Thanks, Mrs. Mackenzie.

  May Mackenzie : Hasn't he?

  Charlie Mackenzie : Oh, I think so.

• Tony Giardino : Larry Leonard, crooner, made a name for himself being able to sing in six different languages the song "Only You.

  Charlie Mackenzie : Yes, see?

  Tony Giardino : Charlie, does Harriet even know the words to Only You?

  Charlie Mackenzie : Well, I don't know, Tony, we haven't reached that all too critical do you know the words to "Only You" phase in our relationship, so I'm afraid I'm not much help!

• Tony Giardino : I'm commandeering this car!

  Commandeered Driver : I happen to know you have no right to commandeer this car.

  Tony Giardino : Aw... please?

• Charlie Mackenzie : Tony, have you heard of this? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons, then changes her identity and marries again.

  Tony Giardino : I never heard of it. So what?

  Charlie Mackenzie : I think I'm dating Mrs. X!

• Tony Giardino : Charlie, two words: therapy.