Plot

History is only slightly rewritten: instead of experienced sailors, there are only convicts whose last and only meeting with H2O was their prison diet of bread and water. And Columbus doesn't have his own map.

Christopher Columbus believes he can find an alternative route to the far East and persuades the King and Queen of Spain to finance his expedition. But the Sultan of Turkey, who makes a great deal of money through taxing the merchants who have to pass through his country on the current route, sends his best spy, Fatima, to wreck the trip.—Rhino <rhino@blueyonder.co.uk>

In 1492, Columbus is a humble mapmaker in Lisbon. Christopher Columbus (Jim Dale) believes he can find an alternative route to the far East and persuades the King Ferdinand (Leslie Phillips) and Queen of Spain (June Whitfield) to finance his expedition.

But the Sultan of Turkey Abdul the Benevolent (Rik Mayall), who makes a great deal of money through taxing the merchants who have to pass through his country on the current route. The taxes can be as high as 200% depending on the mood of the Sultan. When it strikes his fancy, the Sultan imposes fines of up to 3000% on the merchants for minor infractions as he has a monopoly on the trade route.

The Sultan sends his best spy, Fatima (Sara Crowe), to wreck the trip. Fatima is to meet her local contact in Lisbon Achmed (Alexei Sayle). Achmed is undercover as a shoemaker and a barber. Achmed has his shop next door to Columbus' map-making shop. Achmed had drilled a hole into Columbus' office to keep an eye on his plans.

Mordecai Mendoza (Bernard Cribbins) approaches Columbus. Mendoza claims that he is in possession of a map of an ancient mariner, who had claimed to sail around the world in 207 BC. Mendoza insists that he accompanies Columbus on his voyage & Columbus has to agree as the map is in Hebrew. Mendoza says that he speaks Chinese as well and is a master mariner.

The country of Spain is in the middle of an inquisition. The inquisition aimed at finding the non-believers by offering them forbidden food such as pork and ham. When Columbus arrives in Spain, he is offered a ham sandwich and gladly accepts it. Fatima drugs Columbus at a tavern and then enters his room to try and steal the map while he is sleeping, but Mendoza arrives and foils Fatima's plan.

Countess Esmerelda (Maureen Lipman) is the Spanish's King's favorite mistress whom he bestows with precious gifts. The King is opposed to funding Columbus due to his outrageous terms (governorship of all lands that he finds, exclusive rights to trade with the Indies and 10% of all treasures found in Indies), but the Queen nags him into accepting Columbus's terms so that he can keep his mistresses. The King says that Spain in an impoverished country, and Columbus says that the expedition can bring untold riches to the Kingdom. The King assigns Esmerelda's husband, who is also the King's cousin, as the governor of The Canary Islands.

Columbus gets his ship "the Santa Maria" but can't find any crew as all are busy taking Hebrews & Arabs to Morocco to escape the grand inquisition going on in Spain. So, Columbus tricks the Hebrews, who can't afford the ship fare to Morocco, by saying that Santa Maria is a training ship going to Morocco. Meanwhile Fatima tries to steal the Mendoza map from Columbus, to wreck his expedition, but fails repeatedly.

King Ferdinand appoints Don Juan Felipe (Richard Wilson) to keep a check on Columbus's expenses. As there still aren't enough crew, Columbus in desperation, resorts to pardoning death row inmates to lure them to join his ship.

Achmed & Fatima too join the ship under disguises. They try their very best to sabotage the voyage but only end up canceling each other's schemes and plots. The Santa Maria then enters the Bermuda triangle, where it encounters spinning compasses (caused by a ball of chain carried around by a prisoner) and a thick fog. According to Mendoza's map, any ship that enters the triangle, only sails endlessly within that and is never able to emerge from it. According to the map, the person who discovered it had his son's 13th birthday and hence called it the Bat Mitzvah Triangle. According to the map, a Greek person on board was about to figure out the properties of a right angle triangle using the data from the Bermuda Triangle, but was eaten by a sea serpent.

They also find ships abandoned by their crews (which was actually a Spanish frigate, carrying a Duke & Duchess of Spain to the Canary Islands). Columbus's men mistakenly eat the food on the ship & steal the treasury & set fire to the frigate & are captured by the Duke, who orders Columbus to abandon his voyage & take his party to the Canary Islands. The Duchess is travelling to get her daughter married to an old man (for his wealth). Columbus stays the course for the Indies.

The Duchess incites Achmed to arrange a mutiny to force Columbus to travel to the Canary Islands for the wedding. During her attempts at sabotaging Columbus, Fatima falls in love with him. She proclaims the truth to Columbus & he embraces her. Fatima informs Columbus of the mutiny plot. Columbus tells the crew as a young man he was a pirate with untold wealth, which he has hidden away & will share with his shipmates if spared. In the meanwhile, the crew spots lands. Columbus thinks he has reached China, but actually he is in South America. On land, Columbus's party encounters a peaceful south American tribe, whose chief considers the Spanish party primitive.

The chief is aghast that the Spanish only want Gold. His advisers ask him to get rid of the Spanish, but the chief shows them the gold mine, which is forbidden to the Incas by their ancestors. The chief hopes that the Spanish will die in the mines. The Incas stage manage the experience inside the mines, which is solely designed to scare the Spanish off, which they are. After the mine expedition, Columbus begs the Chief to allow him to go back home. The Chief offers him gold in exchange for guns, wine & gunpowder. But the chief gives Columbus fake gold, which he discovers only when he is half back to Spain.

To escape the gallows, Columbus presents the Gold to King Ferdinand & then has his own brother pose as the inquisition and confiscate the Gold as it was acquired from heathens, who were not baptized. King Ferdinand & Queen Isabella can only watch as the gold is taken away in front of their eyes. Columbus disposes off the gold at sea.