Have I Got News for You (1990– )

Gyles Brandreth: Self, Self - Guest Presenter

Quotes 

• Gyles Brandreth : We do know that the Beatles Greatest Hits were all written before we joined the EU.

  Ian Hislop : Is that the definitive argument?

  Gyles Brandreth : The definite argument is "Where's your coin, let's toss it!" That's what I shall be doing.

  Paul Merton : So you're saying it's a bunch of tossers?

  Gyles Brandreth : I fear nobody knows which way it's going to go, nobody knows which way it should go, all we know is that it will mean THE END OF THE WORLD!

  Paul Merton : We're inviting Armageddon, then?

  Gyles Brandreth : If we vote to Exit, apparently, everything, everything will collapse. Already Barbara Windsor on EastEnders has committed suicide in anticipation of Brexit. Our Houses will be worthless, there will be a Third World War, it's going to be appalling, so totally appalling. But of course, if we stay in, we are going to be overwhelmed by 200 million people coming here a week! Arriving on our shores. Mostly from Turkey but not delightful.

  Ian Hislop : I'm amazed you're not the spokesman for both sides!

  Gyles Brandreth : I feel in a way that I am! Because I know that they don't know, because I've been there before.

  Ian Hislop : You've been a Tory MP, and you know that they know nothing?

  Gyles Brandreth : Well I knew I had contempt for my constituents but I was amazed to find the feeling was mutual. I remember 20 years ago when we were voting to come out of the ERM, Exchange Rate Mechanism, we either all had to be in it or...

  Ian Hislop : It's not The One Show Gyles, you can use big words!

  Gyles Brandreth : I'm just trying to give some substance.

  Paul Merton : Don't interrupt Gyles during his one-man show!

• Gyles Brandreth : The point is, at the beginning of the day we didn't know what was going to happen, while it was happening we didn't know what was happening, and when it had happened we didn't know what had happened.

• Gyles Brandreth : Given we've known this vote was coming for a long time, you'd expect the sides to have their arguments in better form than they have done.

  Katharine Ryan : I don't feel like I've heard a coherent argument from either side. I'm confused!

  Gyles Brandreth : You should be.

  Katharine Ryan : What should I do, Gyles?

  Gyles Brandreth : Go back to Canada! Wait for us to join you because we will be escaping the hundreds of millions who will be coming here the moment the borders come down!

  Katharine Ryan : Please don't come to Canada, because with Trump we already have Americans threatening to come in. We've got to now build a wall, Americans are not as fit as Mexicans, it won't have to be a high wall...

• Frankie Boyle : The Virus was called WannaCry and demanded all your money.

  Gyles Brandreth : Oh, yes, and all in BetCoins too.

  Guest : BetCoins?

  Frankie Boyle : BritCoins?

  Gyles Brandreth : BitCoins!

  Ian Hislop : Oh no, we've left the European Market, they're all Britcoins now!

• Gyles Brandreth : If during his Presidency he does cause the End of the World, won't it be marvellous to think it happened in our time?

• Jo Brand : "It was like hearing that Snape killed Dumbledore before having read the book"

  Gyles Brandreth : Has that happened! My children and grandchildren are watching, you've ruined seven people's childhood!

  Jo Brand : Well, good.

• Gyles Brandreth : You don't want a straight Godparent. You want a Gay Godparent who's going to not have children, and is going to love you...

• Gyles Brandreth : Are you a Freemason?

  Ian Hislop : No.

  Gyles Brandreth : [gives him an Arch Look]  Ha! Ha! Ha!

  Ian Hislop : Are you having a stroke?

• Gyles Brandreth : I just want you to repeat the fact I have a wife, a lot of people don't believe that.

• Gyles Brandreth : Boom-Boom!

• Gyles Brandreth : Superworm has a brain, five hearts, and breathes through its skin! You could do the voice!

• Gyles Brandreth : It is now compulsory to be Gay if you want to join the Conservatives. Ours is no longer the Party with its back against the wall.

• Gyles Brandreth : Let's have some fun!

  Paul Merton : This is Have I got News for You, if you want fun go somewhere else!

• Gyles Brandreth : See, when I was in Politics I always believed the last person I spoke to.