Steel Magnolias (1989)

Olympia Dukakis: Clairee Belcher

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Quotes 

• Clairee : Ouiser, you sound almost chipper. What happened today - you run over a small child or something?

• Clairee Belcher : Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!

• Clairee Belcher : Ouiser, I'd recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwritin' of a serial killer.

• Clairee Belcher : The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

• M'Lynn : [crying]  I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

  [screaming] 

  M'Lynn : I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!

  [in a firm tone] 

  M'Lynn : No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!

  [continues sobbing] 

  Clairee : Here!

  [grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn] 

  Clairee : Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!

  Ouiser Boudreaux : [taken aback and confused]  Are you crazy?

  Clairee : Hit her!

  Ouiser Boudreaux : Are you *high*, Clairee?

  Truvy : [in a frightened tone]  Clairee, have you lost your mind?

  Clairee : We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!

  Annelle : [in a scared tone]  Ms. Clairee, enough!

  Clairee : Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!

  Ouiser Boudreaux : [snatches away]  Let go o' me!

  Clairee : M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!

• Clairee : I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park.

  Truvy : Yeah, how did that go?

  Clairee : Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.

  Truvy : Was she hurt?

  Clairee : I doubt it. She got hit in the head.

• Truvy : Well, these thighs haven't gone out of the house without lycra on them sice I was 14.

  Clairee : You were brought up right.

• Ouiser Boudreaux : Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.

  Annelle : I suspected this all along!

  Ouiser Boudreaux : Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!

  Annelle : Not on your first visit!

  Clairee Belcher : Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass!

• Clairee Belcher : Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.

• Ouiser Boudreaux : You are evil, and you must be destroyed.

  Clairee Belcher : Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.

• Clairee Belcher : You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton this morning at the Piggly Wiggly, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I couldn't help myself.

• Annelle : We are in the house of the Lord!

  Clairee Belcher : Oh like she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.

• Truvy : You are playin' hard to get!

  Clairee Belcher : At her age, she should be playin' beat the clock.

• Clairee : [after Shelby said she almost called off the wedding]  Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama. Never say that to a woman who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.

• Ouiser Boudreaux : I should have never said that in front of Shelby.

  Clairee : Ouiser no one pays any attention to you.

• Clairee Belcher : I love ya more than my luggage.

• Clairee Belcher : [quoting her gay nephew]  All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.

• Ouiser Boudreaux : Clairee, this is just a gesture. We're not feedin' Drum until the end of time.

  Clairee Belcher : Drum loves pork and beans. Eats 'em with everything.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : That explains a lot.

• Clairee Belcher : The older you get, the sillier you get.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get.

• Clairee : And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week...

  Ouiser Boudreaux : There. My secrets out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!

• Clairee Belcher : [trying to do "color commentary" by discussing the color of the football uniforms]  ... But I love the top - such a vibrant purple. Bob, would you call this color "grape" or "aubergine'?

  Ouiser Boudreaux : SHUT UP!

  Clairee Belcher : What?

  Ouiser Boudreaux : You're makin' a fool outta yourself, Clairee.

  Clairee Belcher : I am not.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : This is football. All the people wanna hear about are touchdowns and injuries. They don't give a damn 'bout that grape shit.

• Truvy : I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.

  Clairee : She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to have a past.

  Truvy : Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.

• Clairee Belcher : They were both high. They'd been smokin' everything but their shoes.

• [about the new mayor's wife dancing] 

  Clairee Belcher : Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket.

• Clairee Belcher : That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

• Clairee : Why do you give all these to me?

  Ouiser Boudreaux : Somebody's gotta take em, I hate em, I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it.

• Clairee : Anne Boleyn had six fingers.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : Who's Anne Berlin?

  Clairee : Anne Boleyn. She was one of the six wives of Henry VIII.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : I never watch public television.

  Clairee : She had six fingers.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : What happened to the other four?

  Clairee : She had 11 total.

  Ouiser Boudreaux : Are you trying to confuse me, Clairee?

  Clairee : No. I just want to expose us to a little more culture. And that's not easy to come by in this neck of the woods.

• Annelle : That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?

  Clairee : If it had hair, it'd be a Saint Bernard.

• Annelle : [quietly]  That wasn't a very Christian thing to do.

  Clairee : Oh Annelle, you gotta lighten up.

• Clairee : Looks like two pigs... fightin' under a blanket!