Parenthood (1989)
Steve Martin: Gil Buckman
Photos
Quotes
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[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
Grandma : You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil : Oh?
Grandma : Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil : What a great story.
Grandma : I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
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Gil : Keep Patty away from Larry - suck the intelligence right out of her.
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Student 1 at College : Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
Dean at College : It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
Student 2 at College : What's he yelling?
Kevin Buckman Age 21 : YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
Gil : [Yelling through a megaphone] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
[Kevin shoots the megaphone from his hands]
Gil : Nice shot, son! It's important to be supportive. Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea..."
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Frank : You know, when you were two years old, we thought you had polio. Did you know that?
Gil : Yeah, Mom said... something about it a couple of years ago.
Frank : Yeah, well, for a week we didn't know. I hated you for that.
[Gil looks surprised and hurt]
Frank : I did. I hated having to care, having to go through the pain, the hurt, the suffering. It's not for me.
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[after Gil and Karen get into an accident when she tries to "relax" him]
Highway Policeman : So, how did this happen?
Gil : [gives Karen a look] Show him, honey.
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Gil : Women have choices, and men have responsibilities.
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Gil : [lights went out unexpectedly and have just been turned on. Gil thinks he has a flashlight but is holding a vibrator] What's this?
[switches vibrator on]
Gil : [lights come up, Gil laughs and leaves the room]
Taylor : Mommy, what was that?
Karen : That was... an electric ear cleaner.
Taylor : It was kind of big.
Grandma : It sure was!
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Gil : [Gil and Larry are reuniting] How long has it been? Three years?
Larry Buckman : Something like that.
Gil : You stopped wearing your turban!
Larry Buckman : [laughs] Yeah!
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Gil : We'll throw away the TV. We'll perform Shakespeare in front of him.
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[after his wife just told him she's pregnant with their 4th child]
Gil : Well, great! Let's see how I can screw the fourth one up! Hey, let's have five. Let's have six. Let's have a dozen and pretend they're donuts!
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Gil : They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...
[smiles goofily]
Gil : ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts, too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go!
[holds up a jumble of twisted balloons]
Gil : Your lower intestines.
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[In the car after the baseball game, Kevin is singing "The Diarrhea Song" while Taylor laughs]
Kevin Buckman : When you're slidin' into first and you're feelin' somethin' burst, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're slidin' into third and you feel a juicy turd, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're slidin' into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're drivin' in your Chevy and your pants are feelin' heavy, diarrhea! Diarrhea!
Karen : Kevin, honey, where did you learn that song?
Kevin Buckman : Last summer at camp, Mom.
Gil : Ah, that was money well spent.
Kevin Buckman , Justin , Taylor : [singing again] When you're slidin' into first and you're feelin' somethin' burst, diarrhea! Diarrhea!
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David Brodsky : Gil, I've spoken with Ted and Dan, and we have decided to make Phil Richards a partner.
Gil : [Really ticked off] Holy shit.
David Brodsky : I know you're upset.
Gil : Upset? Haven't you seen the deals I've been putting together? I've been killing myself. I mean, aren't you dazzled?
David Brodsky : You still don't get it, do you? Phil has just brought in 3 brand-new multimillion-dollar clients. He has spent the last month wining and dining these guys, getting them laid. He doesn't tell me about problems with his kids. I'm not even sure if he has kids. If this man's dick fell off, he would still show up and come to work. He's an animal. That's what dazzles, not the work. You can't do what he does. You hate that shit. Now, Phil Richards...
Gil : I quit!
David Brodsky : Oh Gil.
Gil : Forget it. Phil brought you some big clients. You're happy.
David Brodsky : Oh, Gil.
Gil : I'm just gonna call my clients, give them the news, then I'm out of here. Friday is my last day. Don't make me a party.
David Brodsky : Gil!
Gil : Da-a-ave.
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Gil : [Comes home after quitting his job] Hey, this is not a playground, okay? Not now, not now! Knock it off!
[Dealing with black straps on a broken videotape]
Gil : I can't believe they did this.
Karen : Alright, the other kids left, ours is watching a tape, Helen dropped your Grandma off. Let's talk.
Gil : I quit my job.
Karen : Why?
Gil : They gave the partnership to Phil Richards. Phil Richards, this is a guy who leaves his wife and kids, and then puts all his money in his girlfriend's name so they can't touch him for child support. I mean the guy is... . Anyway, I couldn't stand it. I snapped.
Karen : Can you change your mind?
Gil : What do you mean change my mind? I quit.
Karen : I know but, did you say anything that would make it difficult for them to take you back?
Gil : Jesus, honey, I was hoping you would be a little more supportive.
Karen : I'm pregnant.
Gil : [pauses momentarily as he is in shock] Since when?
Karen : Since I am. I'm due in February. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure.
Gil : How did this happen?
Karen : It was an accident. Anyhow, now isn't the best time for you to be out of work or starting a new job.
Gil : You know if you told me there's a chance this might happen, I might've not quit in the first place.
Karen : Well, you never told me there was a chance you quit!
Gil : It was a spur of the moment decision.
Karen : Pretty big one.
Gil : So what are you saying I should do? Crawl back into work and kiss Dave's feet and get my crappy job back? I quit. If I go back now, I'm a eunuch.
Karen : You know, this is a minor crimp in my life, too. I was thinking about starting back to work in the fall. Now I can't.
Gil : Well, that's the difference between men and women. Women have choices. Men have responsibilities.
Karen : Oh, really? Oh, ok, well, then I choose for you to have the baby. That's my choice. You have the baby! You get fat! You breast feed until your nipples are sore! I'll go back to work!
Gil : Alright, let's return from La-La Land because that ain't gonna happen. Whether I crawl back to Dave or get another job, then now I'm gonna have to spend less time at home.
[Slams the broken tape into the trash can]
Gil : I'll have to do business dinners, I'll have to play racquetball, and I'm gonna have to get guys laid. So I hope you don't mind bringing home some prostitutes honey, because that's what it takes to get anywhere and I'm not getting anywhere. Whatever happens, you have to count on less help from me.
Karen : Why don't you just say what you're really thinking?
Gil : What am I thinking?
Karen : I should have an abortion.
Gil : I didn't say that. That's a decision every woman has to make on her own.
Karen : Are you running for Congress?
[Gil is guilty]
Karen : Don't give me that. I want your opinion on what we should do. Let's pretend it's your decision, okay? Pretend you're a caveman or your father. What do you want me to do?
Gil : I want whatever you want.
Karen : Well, I want to have the baby.
Gil : Well, great! Let's have it then! Let's see how I can screw the 4th one up! Hey, let's have 5, let's have 6! Let's have a dozen and pretend they're doughnuts! I'm really happy about things, aren't you?
Karen : You know with a frame of your mind, not only am I not sure about having another baby, I'm not sure we can keep the 3 we got.
Gil : Well I'm ready to discuss it. However, I can't right now because I gotta go to the goddamn Little League! 10 little boys are waiting for me guiding in the last place.
Karen : You really have to go?
Gil : My whole life is that I have to.
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Frank : Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
Gil : It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
Frank : Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
Gil : That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
[Susan laughs]
Frank : [mimics Susan laughing] Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
Gil : [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
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Patty : [reading a book] "The Penal Colony", by Franz Kafka.
Gil : Hey, Nathan, Patty a doctor yet?
Nathan : Mock, if you will.
Gil : All right.
Nathan : Our children are more capable of retaining and absorbing information than we are and yet we insist on treating them like adorable little morons.
Gil : What are you saying, Patty can learn things I can't learn?
Nathan : [lays out four cards with lots of red dots stuck on them] Patty, which one of these is the square root of 8,649?
Patty : [looks at the cards for a few seconds then points at one] 93.
[Nathan picks up the card, checks the answer on the back then shows it to Gil. Patty is correct. Gil pulls an expression of disbelief and thumps his head with his palm]
Nathan : They're like sponges, Gil, just waiting to absorb.
Justin : [picks up one of the cards] I want this.
Nathan : You see? Take my advice, forget about Kevin and Taylor, it's too late. Work on Justin.
Gil : Actually, Justin is quite bright. In his preschool class, he was the only...
[Justin picks one of the red dot stickers off the card and puts it in his mouth]
Gil : Slow down, Justin. I'll get you some dip.
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Gil : They're bad dudes. That's why they call the game "Bad Dudes."
