- Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
- Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
- Aunt Bethany: [Hearing a squeak] What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
- Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
- Ellen: What are you looking at?
- Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
- [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
- Eddie: Shitter was full.
- Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
- Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
- Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
- Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
- Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
- Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
- [Raises glass to his mouth]
- Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
- [Clark nearly chokes on his drink]
- Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
- Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
- Nora Griswold: Grace!
- Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
- Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
- [Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
- Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
- Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer suddenly, Aunt Bethany recites the pledge of allegiance] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands
- [Cousin Eddie stands and places his hand over his heart]
- Aunt Bethany: One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
- Clark: Amen.
- Mr. Frank Shirley: Remember how I was toying with the idea of suspending the Christmas bonuses?
- Mrs. Helen Shirley: You *didn't*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck!
- SWAT Commander: That's pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you...
- Mr. Frank Shirley: I changed my mind. I'm reinstating all the bonuses.
- [as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
- Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
- Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
- Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?
- [Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
- Eddie: Merry Christmas. Shitter was full.
- Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
- Rusty Griswold: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.
- Clark: I thought so. Well, maybe we ought to go up there and just get...
- Rusty Griswold: Oh, jeez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. Brush my teeth. Feed the hog. I've still got some homework to do. Do the laundry. Wash the car. I've still got those bills to pay...
- Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
- Clark: [Lisping due to the cold] The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.
- Frances: [looking at Ruby Sue surprised] Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed anymore.
- Eddie: That somethin' ain't it? She falls down a well, her eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back to normal. I don't know.
- [laughs]
- Eddie: And this here's our pride and joy Snots.
- [Snots blusters a sneeze]
- Clark: Pretty name Ed.
- Eddie: [Snots puts his snotty nose on Rusty, and he makes a disgusted face] Yeah we named him that because he's got this sinus condition. Snots you roll over and let uncle Clark scratch your belly.
- Uncle Lewis: [Clark is cleaning up the garbage off the kitchen floor after the dog went through it] Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey.
- Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
- Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
- Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.
- Rusty Griswold: Dad, this tree won't fit in our back yard.
- Clark: It's not going in the yard, Russ. It's going in the living room.
- Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
- Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
- Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
- Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from and sees Snots choking] Hey, Ed, what's wrong with the dog?
- Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.
- [Grotesque barfing noises]
- Eddie: He's got it up!
- [Winks at Clark that everything's okay]
- Clark: Maybe if you wouldn't feed him from the table?
- Eddie: No. No, he's probably just been nosing through the trash.
- [Shows kitchen, which looks like the city dump]
- Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.
- Mary: For your wife, or your girlfriend?
- Clark: What? What happened? Whoooph! I guess... it wouldn't be any... woah, hehe... wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they... HOTTER than they are! Wooo, it IS warm in here.
- Mary: Well, you have your coat on.
- Clark: Yes. Oh, do I? How did that happen?
- Mary: Because it's cold out?
- Clark: Yes! Yes. it is. It's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. Ha ha ha ha ha! What did I say, nipple? Hehe... ahhh, there is a nip in the air, though.
- Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber.
- Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust.
- Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
- Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
- Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
- Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.
- Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
- Cousin Catherine Johnson: Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
- Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
- Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
- Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
- Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.
- Mr. Frank Shirley: Sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it, you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference. Little people like you. So, Carl... whatever you got last year, add... 20%.
- [Clark faints]
- Ellen: [sees Clark standing up and looking out the window] Aren't you having any breakfast?
- Clark: I'm not in the mood.
- Ellen: What are you looking at?
- Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
Top Gap
What is the streaming release date of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) in Germany?
Answer