Chevy Chase credited as playing...
Clark Griswold
- Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
- Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
- Ellen: What are you looking at?
- Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
- [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
- Eddie: Shitter was full.
- Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
- Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
- Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
- Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?
- Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?
- Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway.
- [Raises glass to his mouth]
- Eddie: Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.
- [Clark nearly chokes on his drink]
- Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
- Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
- Nora Griswold: Grace!
- Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
- Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
- [Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
- Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
- Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer suddenly, Aunt Bethany recites the pledge of allegiance] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands
- [Cousin Eddie stands and places his hand over his heart]
- Aunt Bethany: One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
- Clark: Amen.
- [as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
- Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.
- Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at the VA they had to replace it with plastic. It ain't as strong so I don't know if I should go sailin down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
- Clark: You really think it matters, Eddie?
- Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?
- Rusty Griswold: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sure of it.
- Clark: I thought so. Well, maybe we ought to go up there and just get...
- Rusty Griswold: Oh, jeez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. Brush my teeth. Feed the hog. I've still got some homework to do. Do the laundry. Wash the car. I've still got those bills to pay...
- Clark: [Lisping due to the cold] The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.
- Frances: [looking at Ruby Sue surprised] Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed anymore.
- Eddie: That somethin' ain't it? She falls down a well, her eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back to normal. I don't know.
- [laughs]
- Eddie: And this here's our pride and joy Snots.
- [Snots blusters a sneeze]
- Clark: Pretty name Ed.
- Eddie: [Snots puts his snotty nose on Rusty, and he makes a disgusted face] Yeah we named him that because he's got this sinus condition. Snots you roll over and let uncle Clark scratch your belly.