A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

Jamie Lee Curtis: Wanda

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Wanda : [after Otto breaks in on Wanda and Archie in Archie's flat and hangs him out the window]  I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is and if they're going to come and arrest you. And you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window. Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?

  Otto West : Don't call me stupid.

  Wanda : Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

  Otto West : Apes don't read philosophy.

  Wanda : Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

• Wanda : I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.

  Ken : Good.

• Archie : Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?

  Wanda : No.

  Archie : He's no idea?

  Wanda : He doesn't have a clue.

  Archie : What?

  Wanda : He's so dumb...

  Archie : Really?

  Wanda : ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.

• Archie : You make me feel free.

  Wanda : Free?

  Archie : Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

  Wanda : Yeah.

• Wanda : What about my tits?

  Otto : Does he get to handle them?

  Wanda : Yes, he does. That's my forecast and I'll stand by it.

  Otto : Would this also involve... nuzzling?

  Wanda : Yes, I think three million dollars is worth a bit of nuzzling. Fifty percent chance of that.

  Otto : Sucking?

  Wanda : I thought you weren't jealous?

  Otto : I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy, it's for the weak. One thing though. Touch his dick and he's dead!

• Wanda : Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

• Otto : Ok... Ok... DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?

  Wanda : Shut up.

  Otto : People are always taking advantage of me.

  Wanda : Shut up and think.

  [Otto pulls out a silenced pistol and fires two shots at the safe] 

  Wanda : What are you doing?

  Otto : I'm thinking.

• Wanda : I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?

• Wanda : Let's make love.

  Archie : Well, if you absolutely insist...

• Wanda : What have you found out?

  Otto : Not a lot.

  Wanda : You realise he's in court tomorrow?

  Otto : I know. I know that!

  Wanda : So nothing, huh?

  Otto : Nix! Zip! Diddly! Bupkis!

  [seductively] 

  Otto : Niente!

• Wanda : You just wanted to get me into bed.

  Archie : I fell in love with you.

  Wanda : How come you dumped me then.

  Archie : I wasn't rich enough, remember.

  Wanda : Say something in Russian.

  Archie : No.

• Otto : When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

  Wanda : I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

  Otto : So, "friendly" might include actual... what, penetration?

• Wanda : Archie? Do you speak Italian?

  Archie : I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l'amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande! But it's such an ugly language. How about... Russian?

• Wanda : The central message of Buddhism is not "every man for himself".

• Ken : Otto t-t-tried to k-k-kiss me.

  Wanda : I thought he might.

• Wanda : Get the fuck out of here, Otto.

  Otto : Relax. I heard moaning; I was worried.

• Wanda : What are you thinking, Archie?

  Archie : I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.

  Wanda : How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?

  [pause] 

  Archie : That's a...

  Wanda , Archie : ...good reason.

• Otto : I'm here because I'm bored. Bored hanging around this God-awful city. Shoving George's ugly pic... Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck up, intellectual British faggots. Jesus they're uptight they get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched.

  Otto : [finds a letter from Archie to Wanda]  Just, counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4. 2B St.

  Otto : [recovering]  To be honest I hate them. I mean pretending they're so fucking lawyer.

  Otto : [recovering again]  superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents.

  Otto : [Ken peeks in the room]  Not you Ken, you have a beautiful speaking voice... when it works.

  Otto : [about Wanda]  Son of a bitch!

  Otto : [to Wanda, loudly]  So, wanna have some lunch?

  Otto : [quietly]  Have you heard from him?

  Wanda : Who?

  Otto : Archie.

  Wanda : [loudly]  No I have to finish my hair!

  Wanda : [quietly]  No.

  Otto : Nothing?

  Otto : [loudly]  Ok well I'm outta here!

  Otto : [quietly]  No plans to see him?

  Wanda : No.

  Wanda : [loudly]  Ok. Bye Bro.

  Otto : Bye Wanda!

  [Punches Wanda's picture, hands it to Ken] 

  Otto : Oh Sorry.

• Wanda : I want you to know something Otto.

  Otto : What?

  Wanda : Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.

• Wanda : I'll be right back, take your clothes off.

• Archie : You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.

  Wanda : Get me my drink.

• Otto : Hello, K-K-K-Ken's p-p-pets!

  [taps on fish tank] 

  Otto : Wake up!

  [beats the water with a scrub brush] 

  Otto : Wake up Limey fish!

  [to Wanda] 

  Otto : So... how are you going to get friendly with this lawyer?

  Wanda : I don't know - I'll improvise.

  [Otto gets fed up with the fish and tosses the scrub brush into the tank] 

  Otto : Fucking insects!

• Wanda : What about my tits?

  Otto : Does he get to handle them?

  Wanda : Yes. That's my forecast. I'll stand by that.

• Locksmith : No... there are no numbers, no identifying marks of any kind.

  Wanda : But it is a safe deposit box key?

  Locksmith : Oh, yes. But it could be any one in England, there are millions of them. Hotels, banks, offices... I'm sorry.

  Wanda : [politely]  Thank you.

  [She gets up and heads for the door] 

  Wanda : [under her breath]  *Fuck*!

• [Otto has just tried to woo Wanda by speaking mock Italian, she tells him to make the call to get rid of George, he does, but he continues speaking with an Italian accent] 

  Otto : [Italian accent]  Ah, yes, I wonder if you could put me through to the police, per favor.

  Wanda : [slaps him]  Otto!

  Otto : Ah!

  [pauses, then realizes he needs to put his serious face on] 

• Wanda : When he learned that your daughter's name is Portia, he said "Why did they name her after a car?"

• Wanda : Let's make love!

  Archie : Why not? Why not, indeed?

• Wanda : Like nobody lies in England. Like Margaret Thatcher never lies.