Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)
Joel Hodgson: Joel Robinson, Joel Hodgson, Joel
Photos
Quotes
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Crow T. Robot : Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.
Joel : And a bad thing?
Crow T. Robot : It was this long.
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Joel : Don't trust a guy with a dumb crayola hat.
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Crow T. Robot : A brain the size of a walnut.
Joel : The dinosaur?
Crow T. Robot : No, the director.
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Joel : Always get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power.
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Joel : Uh, genocide has a "C" in it.
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Dr. Forrester : Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel : Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : That no one can hear you laugh!
[manically laughs]
Joel : Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester : Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.
[cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian : [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine
[Chuckle]
Russian Comedian : How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts
[Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian : thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel : Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester : Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Joel : Really?
Dr. Forrester : Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.
[evil laugh]
Crow T. Robot : What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel : Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo : Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies
[Picks up a stack of tapes]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!
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[Main character in movie gets attacked by invisible enemy]
Joel : Oh look, they were too cheap to hire villains.
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Joel : I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.
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Joel : You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.
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Joel : If you don't understand it, shoot it.
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Doomsday Satellite : Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.
Crow T. Robot : Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!
Joel : It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.
Tom Servo : Try ego!
Crow T. Robot : Sideburns!
Joel : I'll try "I, Robot."
Doomsday Satellite : [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.
Joel , Tom Servo , Crow T. Robot : [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh?
Joel : This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!
Crow T. Robot : Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?
Tom Servo : Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!
Joel : This is TERRIBLE guys.
Crow T. Robot : Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.
Tom Servo : Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.
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Joel : Why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot : Because she got an arrow in her chest.
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Narrator : Watch out, that ground is awful hard.
Joel : Life is awful hard.
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Joel : Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
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CIA director : [sending a spy on a mission] I don't have to tell you that, if you're caught, we'll have to say we've never heard of you.
Joel : It'll be as if you were on the "Thicke of the Night" show.
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[a film shows people skiing]
Narrator : Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot : Huh?
Narrator : ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel : Yeah? Well you're full of skit.
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Joel : This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time.
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Joel : Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy.
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Joel : He fell him like a mighty oak.
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Joel : Try not get sucked into the vortex of hell.
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Joel : Oh, how I loathe him.
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Dr. Forrester : This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
TV's Frank : Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...
TV's Frank : The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
TV's Frank : Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. Forrester : Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...
Joel : Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Tom Servo : Yeah, what do you get out of it?
TV's Frank : Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. Forrester : No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?
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Joel : It's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.
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Joel : Hey sirs, what's up?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.
Dr. Forrester : Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.
Dr. Forrester : Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester : You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester : Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
Dr. Forrester : Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.
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Joel : [exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay?
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Joel : [as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing.
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Tom Servo : Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M!
Joel : [administering oxygen] Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again.
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Crow T. Robot : Hooker's a good cop!
Joel : I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!
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Crow T. Robot : Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...
Tom Servo : Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...
Joel : Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.
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Tom Servo : Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot : Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo : Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel : Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot : Oh, so you burn it every night?
Joel : Oh, don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot : I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.
Tom Servo : Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!
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Joel : We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Crow T. Robot : But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.
Tom Servo : Dames like this always got beer around.
Joel : What?
Crow T. Robot : Huh?
Tom Servo : Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.
[Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]
Tom Servo : Poe!
Joel , Crow T. Robot : Ohhhhhhhh...
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Joel : Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!
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Dr. Forrester : Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!
Dr. Forrester : I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!
Joel : That is so hateful.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thanks
Dr. Forrester : Thaaaaaannnnnk you.
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. Forrester : Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester : Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester : What do you think Joelrini?
Joel : Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.
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Joel : [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
TV's Frank : Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.
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Joel : Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom Servo : What's a "doggie do"?
Crow T. Robot : What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...
Joel : Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow T. Robot : ...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...
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Boss : I always knew leadership was important dad, but I never thought about it n connection with my own business. But come Monday things will be different.
[we cut to a meeting on Monday]
Joel : We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me. You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
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Crow T. Robot : There's always a boring shot.
Joel : Yeah.
Tom Servo : My shorts are never boring.
Joel : Thank you, Tom.
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Crow T. Robot : [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.
Tom Servo : That was pathetic.
Joel : Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom Servo : Maybe for fiction!
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Crow T. Robot : Joel? Joel?
Joel : Yeah Crow buddy?
Crow T. Robot : Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?
Tom Servo : They call me Mr Tibbs!
Gypsy : Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!
Magic Voice : From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...
Joel : That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.
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Joel : [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow T. Robot : 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Tom Servo : Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel : I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?
Tom Servo : D'oh!
TV's Frank : Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Forrester : What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
TV's Frank : Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?
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Joel : Hey look guys, they're being followed by a movie?
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Joel : What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?
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Joel : He thinks that ball's one of his pupils.
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Joel : You can tell they're more advanced because their furniture doesn't break... It tips over but it doesn't break
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Edward : It's about the aztec breastplate and bracelet, gentlemen
Joel : I put them on at night and dance.
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Joel : Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours. Their use of stock footage is amazing.
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Joel : They're like Klingons without the kling.
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Joel : You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave.
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Joel : Who are you? Where are we? Could we get a frame of reference or something. PLEASE?
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Joel : Banjo, you're just strung too high.
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Joel : Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.
Crow T. Robot : That's not my tail.
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Joel : They just watched a man get tongued to death
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Joel : Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests any more. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement.
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Joel : Boy, Gamera's gonna need an emissions test, pronto.
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Joel : Help, I'm being whipped into housewares.
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Joel : Lets go get some tuna safe dolphin
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Joel : Even the Monster's badly dubbed.
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Joel : Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?
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Bomar : The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel : Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
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Joel : This scene's so gross even the lighting guy left
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Joel : The plot's starting to make sense, RUN.
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Joel : You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.
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Joel : Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four.
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Joel : I think this movie just broke the goofy-meter.
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Joel : Why is he wearing a bath mat?
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Joel : They're giddy with violence.
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Joel : It's an army of Porto-potties.
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Joel : I "have" performed surgery once before, and although the person didn't survive I feel confident.
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Joel : Ambiguity is scary.
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Tom Servo : This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.
Joel : Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?
Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot : What about "Side Hackers"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Cave Dwellers"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Catalina Caper"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Pod people"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Hell Cats"?
Tom Servo : Oh, worse.
Joel : "Daddy-O"?
Tom Servo : Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Rocket Attack USA"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Earth vs. the Spider"?
Tom Servo : Oh, definitely worse!
Crow T. Robot : "Ring of Terror"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "It Conquered the World"?
Tom Servo : Uh... yeah, worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Lost Continent"?
Tom Servo : Oh, worse.
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Joel : "Moon Zero Two"?
Tom Servo : Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Time of the Apes"?
Tom Servo : Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Wild Rebels"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Stranded in Space"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : "King Dinosaur"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Mighty Jack"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Rocketship X-M"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : "The Unearthly"?
Tom Servo : [sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse!
Joel : "Teenage Caveman"?
Tom Servo : Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot : "First Spaceship on Venus"?
Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse.
Joel : "Space Travelers"?
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Tom Servo : Much worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Giant Gila Monster"?
Tom Servo : Oh, a whole lot worse.
Joel : "The Manchingo Coniglium"?
Tom Servo : Oh, huh?
Crow T. Robot : Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!
Tom Servo : [pause] It's a ton worse.
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Joel : "City Limits"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : "War of the Colossal Beast"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : "Amazing Colossal Man"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : "Fugitive Alien"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Crow T. Robot : Uhh... "Master Ninja"?
Tom Servo : Worse.
Joel : Oh really? "Gamera"?
Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot : Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?
Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel : "Gamera vs. Zigra"?
Tom Servo : Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot : ...vs. Baragon"?
Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel : "Gamera vs. Guiron"?
Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot : How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!
Tom Servo : OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
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Joel : ...Does this make me Mrs. Master of the earth?
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Joel : [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.
Crow T. Robot : [scans for about a second] Got it!
Joel : Oh, brother...
Crow T. Robot : Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."
Joel : I *think* I got it...
Crow T. Robot : Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models."
[pause]
Crow T. Robot : "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?
Joel : This is really confusing.
Tom Servo : Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?
Crow T. Robot : Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "
Joel : Okay, I think that oughtta do it...
[it sprays him with silly string]
Crow T. Robot : "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."
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Joel : Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. Forrester : It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!
Joel : Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. Forrester : We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.
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Son : I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.
Dad : Nonsense.
Joel : He hated you.
Dad : Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.
Crow T. Robot : He got sent to jail for it.
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Joel : What? He kills him by waving a rusty tailpipe at his face?
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[repeated line; a loud buzzer sounds off as the Satellite of Love shakes up, signaling "Movie Sign"]
Joel : [yells] Oh, we got movie sign!
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[repeated line]
Joel : What do you think, sirs?
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Joel : Uh, suicide has a 'U' in it, sir.
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Michael : See? You're feeling better already.
Joel : Rolling in the filthill do that for you
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Joel : DO SOMETHING!
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester : And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester : Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester : Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well done.
Dr. Forrester : Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester : Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester : Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester : Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. Forrester : Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : This is beautiful!
Dr. Forrester : Yup. Yeah, well.
Dr. Forrester : Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?
Joel : Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?
Dr. Forrester : Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We just write it off as gas.
Dr. Forrester : Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.
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Joel : Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?
Tom Servo : Why?
Joel : 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.
Tom Servo : Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?
Joel : No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?
Tom Servo : Will it hurt?
Joel : Of course not.
Tom Servo : Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.
Joel : think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.
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Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We've gotta talk!
Dr. Forrester : I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'll change!
Dr. Forrester : Well then, change, damn you!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I've changed.
Dr. Forrester : Not that quickly. It doesn't count.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.
Dr. Forrester : Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!
Joel : Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?
Dr. Forrester : How long have you been listening?
Joel : Well, since Thursday.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thurs- My casserole!
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Servo : Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy...
Joel : What do you mean, Servo?
Servo : Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown!
Joel : Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender.
Servo : Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed!
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Tom Servo : Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...
Crow T. Robot : Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...
Joel : Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...
Crow T. Robot : Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...
Tom Servo : Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...
Joel : Huh?
Crow T. Robot : What?
Tom Servo : Um... well, hilarity, anyway.
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Joel : Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow T. Robot : You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel : Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom Servo : C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel : Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel : The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow T. Robot : Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel : Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom Servo : Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow T. Robot : Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom Servo : And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel : You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow T. Robot : Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom Servo : There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow T. Robot : But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Tom Servo : Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Joel , Crow T. Robot : What?
Tom Servo : Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?
Crow T. Robot : Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.
Tom Servo : Huh.
Joel : To wrap it up, the worst mutation...
Crow T. Robot : No, you don't suppose?
Tom Servo : Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!
Joel , Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!
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Joel : Ice cream. I LOVE THIS PARTY.
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Joel : Oh, let me get a pencil, I wanna write THAT one down.
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Joel : Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off.
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Joel : I'd love an open sewer.
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Joel : By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.
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Crow T. Robot : That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo : Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel : Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo : Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel : Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo : I hardly think that's possible.
Joel : Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot : Oh, right.
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Joel : We're on a collision course with wackiness.
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Joel : Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!
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[during a low-angle shot of Miles O'Keefe]
Joel : I'M HUGE!
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Joel : Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package...
