Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)

Trace Beaulieu: Crow T. Robot, Dr. Clayton Forrester, Dr. Clayton Forester, Crow, Jackie Mason jar, TV's Madam, Winston Churchill

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Scientist in movie : You are a cynical, suspicious man.

  Crow T. Robot : No I'm not! Who told you that?

• Crow T. Robot : Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer.

  Joel : And a bad thing?

  Crow T. Robot : It was this long.

• [repeated line] 

  [a character looks directly at the camera] 

  Crow T. Robot : What do you, the viewers at home, think?

• Crow T. Robot : Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough.

• Crow T. Robot : A brain the size of a walnut.

  Joel : The dinosaur?

  Crow T. Robot : No, the director.

• Crow T. Robot : This is really something. I don't know what, but it's something.

• Mr. Parkins : See you when I can.

  Crow T. Robot : Is that vague enough for you?

• Dr. Forrester : Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?

  Joel : Uh, What's that, sir?

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : That no one can hear you laugh!

  [manically laughs] 

  Joel : Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?

  Dr. Forrester : Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating.

  [cut to video footage] 

  Russian Comedian : [holds up hand]  This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine

  [Chuckle] 

  Russian Comedian : How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts

  [Puts down hand, chuckles some more] 

  Russian Comedian : thank you so much...

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!

  Joel : Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?

  Dr. Forrester : Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !

  Joel : Really?

  Dr. Forrester : Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies.

  [evil laugh] 

  Crow T. Robot : What a couple of dick weeds!

  Joel : Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.

  Tom Servo : Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies

  [Picks up a stack of tapes] 

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha!

• Mike Nelson : You know Ed Wood agonized over this scene.

  Crow T. Robot : And now we are.

• [repeated line] 

  Dr. Forrester : Push the button, Frank!

• Crow T. Robot : Well, just come to see what you've done with all the grant money...

  [shouts] 

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, my God!

• Doomsday Satellite : Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.

  Crow T. Robot : Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!

  Joel : It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.

  Tom Servo : Try ego!

  Crow T. Robot : Sideburns!

  Joel : I'll try "I, Robot."

  Doomsday Satellite : [buzz]  I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.

  Joel , Tom Servo , Crow T. Robot : [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop]  Huh?

  Joel : This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?

  Tom Servo : Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!

  Joel : This is TERRIBLE guys.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.

  Tom Servo : Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.

• Crow T. Robot : I don't think it's a good idea to kill someone when they're driving.

• Mike Nelson : You know guys, the whole situation, being stuck up here in space, forced to watched cheesy movies, interacting with other life forms... it kinda bites.

  Crow T. Robot : You're starting to catch on, Kimosabe.

• Joel : Why is she limping?

  Crow T. Robot : Because she got an arrow in her chest.

• [a film shows people skiing] 

  Narrator : Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...

  Crow T. Robot : Huh?

  Narrator : ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.

  Joel : Yeah? Well you're full of skit.

• Crow T. Robot : Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world.

• Crow T. Robot : Oh, You taste like a fat drunk Russian.

• Dr. Forrester : I don't want to talk about it

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!

  Dr. Forrester : You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, my God!

  Dr. Forrester : Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : There are hundreds!

  Dr. Forrester : I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : In the Mad Scientist Mobile?

  Dr. Forrester : No, the... the Austin.

• Crow T. Robot : Trash talking wasn't very good yet. All you could say was "ARRGHGHR."

• [repeated line] 

  Crow T. Robot : A planet where apes evolved from men?

• Dr. Forrester : You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...

  Dr. Forrester : Push the Button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Madam Sousatzka.

  Dr. Forrester : Push the Button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Madam Sousatzka!

  Dr. Forrester : Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.

  TV's Frank : Madam Sousatzka! Is it?

  Dr. Forrester : Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.

  TV's Frank : Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.

• Dr. Forrester : This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...

  TV's Frank : Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...

  TV's Frank : The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...

  TV's Frank : Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?

  Dr. Forrester : Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...

  Joel : Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?

  Tom Servo : Yeah, what do you get out of it?

  TV's Frank : Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?

  Dr. Forrester : No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?

• Joel : Hey sirs, what's up?

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [singing]  If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!

  Dr. Forrester : You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!

  Dr. Forrester : Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.

  Dr. Forrester : Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.

• TV's Frank : You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank

  Dr. Forrester : Why's that Frank?

  TV's Frank : Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...

  Dr. Forrester : Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!

  TV's Frank : Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?

  Dr. Forrester : No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!

• TV's Frank : [Joel is watching the mads]  Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...

  Dr. Forrester : Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.

  TV's Frank : What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!

  Dr. Forrester : It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.

• TV's Frank : That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.

  Dr. Forrester : That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?

  TV's Frank : People vomit?

  Dr. Forrester : No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.

  TV's Frank : That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?

  Dr. Forrester : You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...

  TV's Frank : The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...

  Dr. Forrester : The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...

  TV's Frank : The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...

  Dr. Forrester : Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.

  Dr. Forrester : Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!

  TV's Frank : Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!

• Crow T. Robot : Hooker's a good cop!

  Joel : I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA!

• Crow T. Robot : Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one...

  Tom Servo : Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big...

  Joel : Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry.

• Crow T. Robot : You're not my real father, Joel!

• Tom Servo : Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?

  Crow T. Robot : Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.

  Tom Servo : Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.

  Joel : Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, so you burn it every night?

  Joel : Oh, don't bring that up again.

  Crow T. Robot : I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.

  Tom Servo : Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!

• Joel : We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.

  Crow T. Robot : But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.

  Tom Servo : Dames like this always got beer around.

  Joel : What?

  Crow T. Robot : Huh?

  Tom Servo : Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber.

  [Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares] 

  Tom Servo : Poe!

  Joel , Crow T. Robot : Ohhhhhhhh...

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [wearing "no d" glasses]  Ahh, ahh. Aah, aah! These glasses are great! It looked like it was coming right at me!

  Dr. Forrester : It was! I just threw it at you, you idiot!

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : ...this Clay.

  Dr. Forrester : Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Let me up, it hurts!

  Dr. Forrester : It's supposed to hurt. It's science!

• Dr. Forrester : [planning on injecting Lawrence]  Now, let's see... It's so hard to find a spot I haven't hit... Uh, what's this flower? And who's Roseanne?

• Dr. Forrester : I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.

  Dr. Forrester : Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Infamous!

  Dr. Forrester : Ah, that too! That too!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!

  Dr. Forrester : I only did that once!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh- humph!

  Dr. Forrester : Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : It was three times!

  Dr. Forrester : The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?

• Dr. Forrester : Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!

  Dr. Forrester : I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!

  Joel : That is so hateful.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thanks

  Dr. Forrester : Thaaaaaannnnnk you.

• Dr. Forrester : Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!

  Dr. Forrester : By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!

  Dr. Forrester : Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!

  Dr. Forrester : What do you think Joelrini?

  Joel : Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.

• Tom Servo : Thank you very much for showing up. I'd like to welcome you all to our MURDER... MYSTERY... DINNER PARTY!

  Crow T. Robot : I did it!

• TV's Frank : Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.

  TV's Frank : After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!

  TV's Frank : Are we talking about the same thing?

  Dr. Forrester : He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!

  TV's Frank : The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!

  Dr. Forrester : Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, elegant... painful.

  Dr. Forrester : And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!

  TV's Frank : Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!

  Dr. Forrester : No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.

  TV's Frank : Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?

  TV's Frank : And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!

• TV's Frank : [strapped to a table]  No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!

  Dr. Forrester : And no drooling this time!

  [to Joel] 

  Dr. Forrester : Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.

• Dr. Forrester : The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.

  TV's Frank : Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!

  Dr. Forrester : and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.

  TV's Frank : And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.

  TV's Frank : And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!

  Dr. Forrester : What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.

  TV's Frank : Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!

  Dr. Forrester : Run it through again, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!

  Dr. Forrester : Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.

• Dr. Forrester : Nelson! A recent study by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle revealed that, and Frank quotes...

  TV's Frank : Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure. Unquote.

  Dr. Forrester : Obviously the cuter the pet the lower the heart-rate... Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet! It will make you so placid, so care-free, that I'll be able to rule the world and you won't even notice! You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?

  TV's Frank : And his name is... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Oh, yes, and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been! Oh, yes you are!

  Dr. Forrester : That's right, NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Yes, you are, little nummy, isn't he cute, Frank? I... it out-does the kitty cat, runs circles around the Easter Bunny, and makes Snuggles the fabric-softening bear look like Penn Jillette.

• Dr. Forrester : [while badly wounded]  No... wait... I'm alive... No, I'm dead. No... Yes... No, now I'm dead... Wait... I'm still alive... No... I'm dead... Wait, I can't die. I've got too much to live for! I've got my good friend Frank! I've got things, things that I've gotta do! I gotta live and laugh and love and live and embrace the world... I wanna live!... Oh, Joe! Hi! Wooh-ooh-oooh-ow! Ah, hurt! Aah! Oh, oooh...

• Crow T. Robot : Oh, he must mean David More.

  Tom Servo : No, he's on TV-4.

  Crow T. Robot : No, that's More on 4.

  Tom Servo : No, that's a black gospel singing group.

  Crow T. Robot : No, that's More by 4.

  Tom Servo : Isn't that an off road truck?

  Tom Servo : No, that's a 4 by 4.

  Crow T. Robot : No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.

  Crow T. Robot : No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.

  Tom Servo : No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.

• Joel : Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.

  Tom Servo : What's a "doggie do"?

  Crow T. Robot : What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...

  Joel : Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.

  Crow T. Robot : ...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...

• Crow T. Robot : Put your shoes on, we're at the monster.

• Crow T. Robot : Martin Landau, wasn't he on Mission:Impossible?

  Tom Servo : Yes, and he married Barbara Bain.

  Crow T. Robot : Like I said, Mission:Impossible.

• Crow T. Robot : I think you're supposed to strangle me 'till I'm dead.

• General : Don't shoot to kill.

  Tom Servo : DON'T shoot to kill?

  Crow T. Robot : Shoot to pick off, yeah that's the ticket.

• Stewardess : Welcome aboard.

  Crow T. Robot : You're in the part of the plane that falls off.

• Sergi : There's an unidentified object up ahead.

  Crow T. Robot : What is it?

• Crow T. Robot : There's always a boring shot.

  Joel : Yeah.

  Tom Servo : My shorts are never boring.

  Joel : Thank you, Tom.

• Crow T. Robot : You know it's gonna be funny, he's wearing corderoy

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!

  Dr. Forrester : Did you wear your disguise?

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not good in heels!

  Dr. Forrester : No-one must know we're down here doing this. Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment anyway. Come in Joelie Poelie Puneit pie!

• Crow T. Robot : [seeing the Mads' invention]  Oh, brother.

  Tom Servo : That was pathetic.

  Joel : Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.

  Tom Servo : Maybe for fiction!

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [explaining how he went mad]  And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!

  Dr. Forrester : Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Hey! Tell me how you went mad, now!

  Dr. Forrester : Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Was that when you went mad?

  Dr. Forrester : No, it's when I became a scientist.

• Crow T. Robot : Joel? Joel?

  Joel : Yeah Crow buddy?

  Crow T. Robot : Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project?

  Tom Servo : They call me Mr Tibbs!

  Gypsy : Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart!

  Magic Voice : From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe...

  Joel : That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments.

• Dr. Forrester : Frank! Would you stop clogging your colon with food and go and get today's invention?

• Joel : [reading fan letters]  This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."

  Crow T. Robot : 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!

  Tom Servo : Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.

  Joel : I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?

  Tom Servo : D'oh!

  TV's Frank : Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!

  Dr. Forrester : What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.

  TV's Frank : Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?

• Dr. Forrester : Ah, Mikey! 'Botsie-poos! Say, you know what TV's Frank and I have been getting into lately? Voodoo! Yes, it's the safe, economical way to inflict evil on the world!

• Crow T. Robot : She could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence

• Crow T. Robot : Let's get the dog drunk next.

• Crow T. Robot : Dear Diary: Once again the fat guy got the bed...

• Crow T. Robot : It sure is sunny in space.

• Crow T. Robot : This is the kind of movie you don't pause when you leave the room

• Crow T. Robot : No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

• Crow T. Robot : Citrusville, City of Progress. Where everyone is juiced.

• Crow T. Robot : Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead.

• Crow T. Robot : I'll be fine as soon as I scrape my butt off the ceiling.

• Joel : Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.

  Crow T. Robot : That's not my tail.

• Crow T. Robot : His Mickey Mouse gloves give him incredible power.

• Crow T. Robot : Mind if I smell your daughter?

• Crow T. Robot : What's his obsession with traffic accidents?

• Crow T. Robot : What, no headbutt this morning? Honeymoon over?

• Crow T. Robot : Nothing worse than a cornered Van Patten.

• Crow T. Robot : Hey check out Pee Wee's evil brother on the right.

• Crow T. Robot : [mocking the hero]  I'll be using this condescending tone until the mid-70's

• Crow T. Robot : Will you stop being evil over my shoulder?

• Narrator : Just 2 years ago he was still riding calfs

  Crow T. Robot : Now he sells pencils and string on street corners.

• Crow T. Robot : Oh I hate when they talk during the movie

• Crow T. Robot : It's the newest sport, Grandpa dunking.

• Crow T. Robot : Can we break your hat open now and eat the popcorn?

• Crow T. Robot : [watching Hercules struggle]  Oh wait, he can bend steel but he can't break through a net?

• Crow T. Robot : [impersonating the film's doctor]  Here, let me punch you in the sternum to simulate the pain.

• Reggie : It's like a million to one shot that we'll ever be seen

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, they're on Comedy Central.

• Crow T. Robot : His only crime was being born delicious.

• Crow T. Robot : Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.

• Crow T. Robot : She doesn't have a brain... she'd make a good news anchor.

• Crow T. Robot : Each box has a piece of Sid Melton in it

• Crow T. Robot : Thank you Officer Platitude.

• Crow T. Robot : As your president, allow me to apologize for not having seen this invasion coming.

• Crow T. Robot : Well, let's see... fourteen minutes to live. Wonder if I can get a pizza in that time?

• Crow T. Robot : Hey, she's got her hair on sideways.

• Crow T. Robot : Man... his shirt's so tight, you can see his liver.

• Crow T. Robot : Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film

• Crow T. Robot : He's like an idiot savant, minus the savant.

• Judge Clara : Their answer is summed up in two callous words...

  Crow T. Robot : Bor-ing.

• Crow T. Robot : It's a talking wheel chair.

• Sheriff : What kind of horse did he ride Mr. Cooper?

  Dr. Forrester : It was just a head and a stick. It was weird.

• Crow T. Robot : There isn't a shower cold enough for this man.

• Crow T. Robot : Could you get your stomach off my desk please?

• Crow T. Robot : None of this would have happened if chemistry weren't required

• Crow T. Robot : So far his greatest adversary has been a ladder.

• Tom Servo : This is the worst movie we've ever seen here.

  Joel : Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : What about "Side Hackers"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Cave Dwellers"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Catalina Caper"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Pod people"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Hell Cats"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Joel : "Daddy-O"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Rocket Attack USA"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Earth vs. the Spider"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, definitely worse!

  Crow T. Robot : "Ring of Terror"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "It Conquered the World"?

  Tom Servo : Uh... yeah, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Lost Continent"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

• Joel : "Moon Zero Two"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Time of the Apes"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Wild Rebels"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Stranded in Space"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "King Dinosaur"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Mighty Jack"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Rocketship X-M"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "The Unearthly"?

  Tom Servo : [sounding more like Johnny Carson]  Worse!

  Joel : "Teenage Caveman"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "First Spaceship on Venus"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse.

  Joel : "Space Travelers"?

• Tom Servo : Much worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Giant Gila Monster"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, a whole lot worse.

  Joel : "The Manchingo Coniglium"?

  Tom Servo : Oh, huh?

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!

  Tom Servo : [pause]  It's a ton worse.

• Joel : "City Limits"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "War of the Colossal Beast"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : "Amazing Colossal Man"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : "Fugitive Alien"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Crow T. Robot : Uhh... "Master Ninja"?

  Tom Servo : Worse.

  Joel : Oh really? "Gamera"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

  Joel : "Gamera vs. Zigra"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : ...vs. Baragon"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.

  Joel : "Gamera vs. Guiron"?

  Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse.

  Crow T. Robot : How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!

  Tom Servo : OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!

• Crow T. Robot : They've broken our code! And the sergeant was a grasshopper undercover!

• Crow T. Robot : Breaker 1-9 for the big booty, we got a spam in the can and we'll catch you on the big bounce around. Over.

• Crow T. Robot : I can't deny anything you've said. But you're a big fat liar.

• Dr. Forrester : Mother, would you like to kill them or shall I?

• Crow T. Robot : Booze. It's what's for dinner.

• Dr. Forrester : Yippe cay yay, mamajama.

• Crow T. Robot : The Coast Guard, for men too chicken to join the Navy!

• Crow T. Robot : Like a bird... like a plane! Like an idiot!

• Crow T. Robot : With all my parts, I could've made an excellent vacuum-cleaner. Instead, it's the movies that suck!

• Crow T. Robot : Crush someone with an emotional word or an enigmatic look!

• Joe Moss : Coffee?

  Crow T. Robot : What is this "Coffee"?

  Joe Moss : I like coffee!

  Mike Nelson : And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.

• Crow T. Robot : Do not use sharp objects for three weeks after viewing this movie.

• Crow T. Robot : I think we've analyzed the plot more than the writers did.

• Crow T. Robot : This movie means two things to me: Sheet cake and back fat.

• Crow T. Robot : He's like Jean Claude Van Damme.

  Mike Nelson : Actually he's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.

• Dr. Forrester : Eat hot salty loads of lead death, you pasty faced morons!

• Joel : [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device]  Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.

  Crow T. Robot : [scans for about a second]  Got it!

  Joel : Oh, brother...

  Crow T. Robot : Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."

  Joel : I *think* I got it...

  Crow T. Robot : Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models."

  [pause] 

  Crow T. Robot : "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?

  Joel : This is really confusing.

  Tom Servo : Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "

  Joel : Okay, I think that oughtta do it...

  [it sprays him with silly string] 

  Crow T. Robot : "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."

• Crow T. Robot : My God! They've done it! They've done it! They've reached the... side.

• Crow T. Robot : It's Edward Scissorhands!

• Narrator : Here was a problem civil defense authorities had never faced, and might never face again.

  Crow T. Robot : How to end the film.

• Dr. Forrester : [on the electric bag pipes]  I love it! Look, Larry's cornias are bleeding!

• Joel : Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!

  Dr. Forrester : It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!

  Joel : Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.

  Dr. Forrester : We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.

• Dr. Forrester : Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.

  TV's Frank : That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!

  TV's Frank : Yes, that's right. It's bad.

  Dr. Forrester : But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.

  TV's Frank : It's bad.

  Dr. Forrester : It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!

• Crow T. Robot : 'Twas beauty fed the beast.

• Son : I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you.

  Dad : Nonsense.

  Joel : He hated you.

  Dad : Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired.

  Crow T. Robot : He got sent to jail for it.

• [a man in a fantasy movie pulls an arrow out of his chest] 

  Crow T. Robot : Luckily this is before death was invented.

• Crow T. Robot : [as character pulls magazines out of a newsstand in the background]  Well, let's see - "Rubber Fantasy", "Latex World", "Butt Biters", and "NewsWeek" - that'll do.

• Crow T. Robot : Let's go kill something we don't understand.

• Dr. Forrester : What do you *want* from us? We're *evil*. Evil!

• Dr. Forrester : In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy.

• Crow T. Robot : This is a job for... regular guy.

• Crow T. Robot : Uh, I forgot how my muscles work.

• Tom Servo : This is a story about a robot named Crow. Can you guess what Crow has been thinking? Crow has been thinking hard... or as hard as he can think anyway... on how the satellite has been so darn clean. It wasn't clean this morning, so think hard, Crow. Think really hard Crow - you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a brain and...

  Crow T. Robot : Hey, knock it off!

  Tom Servo : [as different images of Gypsy are shown]  Oh, sorry. Ah, yes. Who does these things when we're too lazy or too bloated on dinners of rich food and generous portions of our own gargantuan ego? Who debugs the massive computer control center because our own feeble brains can't add fractions? Who provides the water in which you could bathe your filthy oil-stained carcass? Who goes on mind-bendingly dangerous missions on the outside in cold unforgiving space while you sit cozy sipping cocoa and watching Tiny Toons? Pinch yourself hard, Mr. Robot. You deserve it. You think you're all sunshine and goodness, but you're just dirt between the toes of an evil troll. That's right. Who periodically changes the plutonium rods in the nuclear bowels deep inside the nuclear reactor of the ship while you sit feasting on gooey handfuls of Fiddle Faddle and play hopscotch and marbles and spring in the...

  Crow T. Robot : Hey just a darn blasting minute. What are you trying to do, lay it all on me? You're the laziest robot I've ever seen!

  Tom Servo : Oh, I see, It's me now is it. It's too painful to look into the deep dark truthful mirror, eh. You make me sick.

  Crow T. Robot : [as Gypsy enters]  I thought you looked sick but it's always hard to tell with you.

  [both see Gypsy] 

  Crow T. Robot : I gotta go clean my room now.

  Tom Servo : I gotta go clean his room too.

• Dr. Forrester : Alright, we've all just seen the film "Earth Vs. Soup". How many people didn't like the film? Didn't like the film, or just didn't care for it? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so all! All didn't like the film. Okay. How many people did like the film? They liked the film? Cindy, you didn't like the film, and now you have your hand about half-way up, so maybe you liked the film a little bit? Would that be correct? Okay, we'll get back to that. Okay, what about the film didn't you like? The film we just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup". What was it about you didn't like, or didn't care for? Say, the plot? Or... yes, Gary.

  Gary : Uh, the plot?

  Dr. Forrester : The plot, Gary didn't like the plot. How many other people didn't like the plot? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so, we all didn't like the plot. Why? Why didn't we like the plot? What was it about that we didn't like? Doug, why didn't you like the plot?

  Doug : I liked the plot, it was just too short.

  Dr. Forrester : Ah, you thought it was too short! Okay. What were your favorite characters from the film? If you had one favorite character, who would that character be? The film you just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup", a favorite character such as Mike? Uh... Cindy, yes.

  Cindy : Mike.

  Dr. Forrester : Cindy liked Mike. How many other people liked Mike? By show of hands, one-two-three, okay, three people liked Mike, alright. How many people have an allergic reaction to shellfish? Allergic reaction or...

  Tony : A mild reaction.

  Dr. Forrester : A mild reaction to shellfish. So, Tony, would this keep you from recommending this film to a friend?

  Tony : Yes.

  Dr. Forrester : Yes, it would, yes it would. Because you don't like shellfish. You wouldn't wanna see shellfish in a movie. Okay. What if the soup were a different kind of soup, say it was a chicken stock, or, or something, would you recommend it to a friend if it was a potato soup? Yes? Okay. Cindy, uh, you had your hand...

  Cindy : I don't like soup.

  Dr. Forrester : Oh, that's right, you're the one who doesn't like soup. What's that Gary? Oh, Gary would like a sandwich! Hahahahaha... How many people would like to have seen Julia Ormond naked? Julia... one-two-three-four, so about half, half would like to see Julia Ormond naked. Um... if you had a rat-cage strapped to your face...

  Pearl Forrester : Uh-kay, guys, we've got a lot got a lot of work to do, we had sixty eight percent walk outs, we have to get those numbers down. Also, seventy four percent of the audience didn't like the character of Cruella De Vil, and even though the character wasn't in the movie, we have to change those numbers.

  Dr. Forrester : would you like to see more crackers in the movie? The big kind of crackers, or the small oyster crackers?

  Doug : Saltine?

  Dr. Forrester : Saltines? Yes, good, excellent.

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Is it working for you?

  Dr. Forrester : Shh! Oh, we're on. Did you see the ratings from last week's show? They went up!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Against the Super Bowl! I don't get it! The hot levels were out of this world, too. We've got to send him something really awful this week. What do you have?

  Dr. Forrester : Well, I'd like to shake hands with the man who can think his way around this film. It's another Sandy Frank epic, this time from Chechylslovakia. Even Joelie's mother couldn't watch this thing.

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.

  Dr. Forrester : And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues

  Dr. Forrester : Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Brilliant!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.

  Dr. Forrester : Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well done.

  Dr. Forrester : Thank you.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.

  Dr. Forrester : Yeah.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.

  Dr. Forrester : Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.

  Dr. Forrester : Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.

  Dr. Forrester : Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : This is beautiful!

  Dr. Forrester : Yup. Yeah, well.

  Dr. Forrester : Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal?

  Joel : Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside?

  Dr. Forrester : Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We just write it off as gas.

  Dr. Forrester : Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power.

• Dr. Forrester : Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now and I may never stop.

• Crow T. Robot : On behalf of all girls, none of us is going to the dance with you.

• Dr. Forrester : Oh you'll have to excuse me, things have been a little hectic down here this week. You see, my mother's coming to visit, and well, we've redecorated in her honor. She's the one person in my life who's responsible for my deep psychological scar and naturally I wanted the place to look nice for her. Oh, I'm going to send you along some material that I want you to say to her when she gets here. You do a good job and I'll show you my appreciation by not killing you.

• Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We've gotta talk!

  Dr. Forrester : I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'll change!

  Dr. Forrester : Well then, change, damn you!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I've changed.

  Dr. Forrester : Not that quickly. It doesn't count.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.

  Dr. Forrester : Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!

  Joel : Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?

  Dr. Forrester : How long have you been listening?

  Joel : Well, since Thursday.

  Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thurs- My casserole!

• Dr. Forrester : Oh, sweet information superhighway. What bring you me from the far reaches of cyberspace?

• Tom Servo : Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"...

  Crow T. Robot : Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"...

  Joel : Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"...

  Crow T. Robot : Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"...

  Tom Servo : Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"...

  Joel : Huh?

  Crow T. Robot : What?

  Tom Servo : Um... well, hilarity, anyway.

• Crow T. Robot : What is this, the airplane of Dr. Caligari?

• Pearl Forrester : Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!

  Pearl Forrester : And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.

  Crow T. Robot : Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.

  Dr. Forrester : Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...

  Pearl Forrester : Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.

  Dr. Forrester : So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.

  Crow T. Robot : What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!

  Pearl Forrester : Huh.

  Dr. Forrester : Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"

  Crow T. Robot : Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!

  Mike Nelson : Hey!

  Crow T. Robot : You guys are gonna be in my movie!

  Mike Nelson : Alright, yeah.

  Pearl Forrester : And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.

  Crow T. Robot : Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?

  Pearl Forrester : Well, again guys, this is the big time.

• Joel : Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.

  Crow T. Robot : You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!

  Joel : Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.

  Tom Servo : C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!

  Joel : Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.

  Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?

  Joel : The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.

  Crow T. Robot : Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!

  Joel : Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.

  Tom Servo : Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...

  Crow T. Robot : Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!

  Tom Servo : And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.

  Joel : You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.

  Crow T. Robot : Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.

  Tom Servo : There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!

  Crow T. Robot : But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!

  Tom Servo : Well you put him on a boat and he is!

  Joel , Crow T. Robot : What?

  Tom Servo : Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame?

  Crow T. Robot : Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.

  Tom Servo : Huh.

  Joel : To wrap it up, the worst mutation...

  Crow T. Robot : No, you don't suppose?

  Tom Servo : Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors!

  Joel , Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!

• Dr. Forrester : These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here

  TV's Frank : Come on let's wail, whooo!

  Dr. Forrester : Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.

  TV's Frank : Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!

  Dr. Forrester : Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!

  TV's Frank : Plastic man!

  Dr. Forrester : That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.

  TV's Frank : Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!

  Dr. Forrester : Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!

  TV's Frank : Meatloaf?

• Mike Nelson : You failed to properly compensate during the ion storm. Your agonizer, please.

  Crow T. Robot : But Captain Mike...

  Mike Nelson : Your agonizer, please.

  Crow T. Robot : Agonizer, agonizer... Where the heck did I put that doohickey?

  Mike Nelson : It's right there on your belt.

  Crow T. Robot : No. No, that's not it.

  Mike Nelson : It is, too.

  Crow T. Robot : Nope...

• Crow T. Robot : I've been thinking about this chapstick, and it really helps our side to use as much chapstick as possible, although as a lubricant, it's awful. I prefer 10W40, or 10W30 in the winter, or 5W30 or any lubricant with a heavy viscosity, though many orifices of the body produce their own lubricants or secretions. My favorite orifices are: the nose, the ear - the ear produces a gelatinous, wax-like substance which can be removed with a swab. Not to be confused with a swabby. Remember, never stick anything in your ear larger than a pirate. This could cause severe pillaging. "Arr! Jim-boy! Pieces of meat! What's in those barrels anyway?"

• Crow T. Robot : Killed by a tether ball.

• Crow T. Robot : Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

• Dr. Forrester : Push the button, Frank.

  TV's Frank : No. I want my money back.

  Dr. Forrester : Forceps, Frank. Pain.

  TV's Frank : I don't care. I want my money.

  Dr. Forrester : Electro shock, Frank.

  TV's Frank : NO.

  Dr. Forrester : Push the button.

  TV's Frank : NO.

  Dr. Forrester : THE BOX, FRANK.

  TV's Frank : I'll push the button...

• Dr. Forrester : Accept the pain Frank! Accept the pain!

• Crow T. Robot : That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?

  Tom Servo : Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!

  Joel : Hey, what are you guys talking about?

  Tom Servo : Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?

  Joel : Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.

  Tom Servo : I hardly think that's possible.

  Joel : Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, right.

• Dr. Forrester : Frank, you just invented the rowboat.

• Crow T. Robot : Hmm, Coke, Sprite, Pepto Bismol, United Airlines... Steve Guttenburg...

• Dr. Forrester : As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill.

• Dr. Forrester : Booze really heals!

• Dr. Forrester : I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!

• Pearl Forrester : Look, I found Frank's head while I was cleaning out the closet.

  Dr. Forrester : No, that's just an extra one he kept around.

• Crow T. Robot : How many of God's laws does this violate?

• Crow T. Robot : Oh, never let the Devil dress you.