- Politician: As a member of Her Majesty's Government, I do not exist in a rational sense, I am merely the product of a deranged mind.
- [series 2 opening title sequence - a spoof of The Mickey Mouse Club song]
- Alexei Sayle Club kids: [singing] Who's an ugly bastard and as fat as he can be? / A-L-E, X-E-I, S-A-Y-L-E / Alexei Sayle, Alexei Sayle / We love to hear him swear on the TV / Hee! Hee! Hee! / Hee! Hee! Hee! / Everybody give three cheers except the BBC / A-L-E, X-E-I, S-A-Y-L-E / Alexei Sayle, Alexei Sayle...
- [Alexei Sayle dances onto the set]
- Cheryl: [stops dancing] Who is that fat bastard?
- Alexei Sayle: [Dead Fish and a Boot] The two great systems of the 20th Century! Capitalism and Communism.
- [throws them both in the trash]
- Groupie: I've got all of Lord Hailsham's Speeches! Except the one about introducing the death penalty for unofficial Strike Action in the NHS...
- Politician: Here's the thing: I want to go home now to my Mummy. They said they'd give me some jelly and they haven't given me any. I think I've gone to the toilet in my trousers.