- Danny Costanzo: [on car phone, in strange voice] Uh, hello? Can I talk to Detective Sigliano and Detective Montoya pleeeassse? My name is Pinky, is this the detective? Hi, I usually inform for Hughes and Costanzo but they don' pay me no mo'... Oh, no! Oh, I'm watching the new "Jeopardy!" and a man missed a Bible question because he did not know what Deuteronomy waaaas! Oh yeah, I'll help you. I want you to get Gonzales and show up Hughes and Costanzo, they don't pay me no mo' and I'm maaaddd! Oh, no! Ya dummy, the answer is ipswich clams! The man who can take you to Gonzales, his name is Adam Robertson. He's a high-fallutin' lawyer type who lives at 1358 Lake Shore Drive. Oh, Motha! Motha! Can I have some more petite marshmallows in my hot cocoa... Gotta go, Final Jeopardy's on!
- Danny Costanzo: Let's bust 'em.
- Ray Hughes: For what?
- Danny Costanzo: In this neighborhood, a Mercedes is probable cause.
- Danny Costanzo: [Bullets bounce off the windows of the custom car] It works! It's really bullet-proof!
- Sister Rebecca: Thank you, Lord!
- Ray Hughes: Thank you Ace!
- Danny Costanzo: [to Julio] *Nothing*!
- [makes faces at him, then tries to roll the window down]
- Danny Costanzo: The windows won't roll down!
- Ray Hughes: You asshole Ace!
- Lab Technician at Airport: This is real shit. This coke is pure shit.
- Ray Hughes: It's good shit, right?
- Lab Technician at Airport: I mean bad shit.
- Ray Hughes: Bad shit like, "this shit is bad?"
- Lab Technician at Airport: It's shit shit. This shit isn't worth shit. There's barely enough coke in here to attract the dogs. Anybody caught on the street with this would get killed.
- Ray Hughes: Listen, Snake, here's the situation: I have this gun here. Now I am going to take the gun out and I am going to shoot a lot of holes in the door. If you are standing if front of the door, what can I tell ya? Some of the holes are gonna be in you. Ya catching my drift, Snake?
- Danny Costanzo: [points his gun at the thug threatening Hughes] Hablo, Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a CORONER. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you.
- Danny Costanzo: Garcia, I said one backup! *One backup*! You bring the Rose Parade!
- Sergeant Garcia: You never called for a backup before! We figured,
- [cracking up]
- Sergeant Garcia: ...we figured it was a riot.
- Ray Hughes: [furious] Get in the car. Would you get in the car, Mr. Backup?
- Snake: [having taken over the police radio] Calling all cars! Calling all cars! UFO landing on Michigan Avenue!
- [gets punched by Danny]
- Captain Logan: [to Ray and Danny] Hey! That jumper yesterday? Just got a flash from the coroner on the cause of death!
- Danny Costanzo: Oooh, let me guess. Deceleration trauma.
- Ray Hughes: Cement poisoning.
- Captain Logan: He drowned.
- Danny Costanzo: Oh, poor guy couldn't swim or fly, huh?
- Captain Logan: You're gonna what?
- Danny Costanzo: Quit. Leave. Depart. Vamoose. Amscray.
- Ray Hughes: Retire! This is our official 30 day notice.
- Captain Logan: Let me tell you something. When you've been cops this long, you are not fit for anything else. What are you gonna do, open a bar?
- Ray Hughes: [gives Danny a sidelong glance] We're looking for some new career challenges.
- Danny Costanzo: Yeah, something with a future.
- Captain Logan: Show me another career they let you shoot people.
- Danny Costanzo: [to priest and nun after hair-raising cab ride] Hey father, you and your wife owe me 28.50.
- Danny Costanzo: [as a trash compactor is about to crush their car, with Danny and Ray inside] Oh, sure. Nag at me! Nagging's good! You still owe me ten bucks and I never said anything!
- Ray Hughes: You want it now?
- Danny Costanzo: YEAH, I WANT IT NOW!
- Ray Hughes: [Trying to pass himself off as Italian] Hey, I'm a paisan', huh? What did ya expect? What do you want me to do, want me to cook you up a pile of Ragù? You want me to sweat garlic for you? Huh? Sing an opera? Lose a war? Huh?
- Danny Costanzo: [Having learned his ex-wife will marry a dentist] Do they play the same music at home that they play in the office?
- Anna: You can't be a kid your whole life, you're gonna have to grow up!
- Danny Costanzo: Why? I don't like grown ups.
- Danny Costanzo: [Walking out of the Bar] What the hell are we doing in Key West?
- Ray Hughes: Its as far south as we can go without having to speak Spanish
- Captain Logan: I hear you two watched 'em mop up the pancake today.
- Danny Costanzo: Hi, Captain.
- Captain Logan: You two weren't, uh, interrogating a suspect up on the roof, were you?
- Ray Hughes: We got an alibi, Captain. Snake, tell him where we were or we'll kill you, too.
- Captain Logan: You had to be rescued like a couple of rookies. Maybe you need a rest.
- Ray Hughes: We don't need a rest.
- Captain Logan: Well, I need a rest from you. I'm approving your request for vacation.
- Danny Costanzo: No! We got too much goin' on!
- Captain Logan: [chuckles] You know, it's a very bad sign when a cop thinks that Chicago will fall apart without him. You're on vacation, effective now.
- Ray Hughes: We're not goin'!
- Captain Logan: Let me tell you something. If I find you in the city, I'm gonna have you arrested. If you step one foot in this station house, I'm gonna have you shot.
- Ray Hughes: [finds Gonzales hiding under a tarp] You're under arrest! You know the routine.
- [Gonzales stays quiet]
- Danny Costanzo: Very good. You have the right to remain silent. Now what else?
- Ray Hughes: [punches Gonzales in the stomach] WHAT ELSE!
- Danny Costanzo: [growls angrily] Anything I say may be used against me in a court of law.
- Danny Costanzo: That's two, you're doing great. Now what's next?
- Julio Gonzales: I have the right to an attorney. If I cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to me by the court.
- Ray Hughes: Yeah! Yeah. Now do you understand these rights you just explained to us?
- Julio Gonzales: Oh yeah.
- Danny Costanzo: It is such a pleasure to deal with professionals. Refreshing.
- Julio Gonzales: You gonna die for this!
- Ray Hughes, Danny Costanzo: Oooh!
- Ray Hughes: I can feel the tension in the air!
- Danny Costanzo: [unable to arrest Snake] This block is being designated a Neighborhood Watch Area. There's a guy up here named Snake. He's wearing garage-sale clothes and the top of his head looks like a parakeet. He also has FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills in a briefcase. As his neighbors, it is your responsibility to make sure there are no suspicious characters or evil perpetrators lurking in the area who would seek to do him harm. Again, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills, tax free, in a briefcase right in this apartment. Which has a really cheeseball lock! You can bust your way in there, bop him on the head, take the money, nobody would know! So it's UP TO YOU. Thanks a lot, have a good day.
- Danny Costanzo: Did you say I was rich? We'll have dinner at the Pump Room. Appetizers and everything. Then, I'm gonna buy me one of those mondo laser disc stereos were the speakers are so big that I have to move out, you know. Good seats for the Cubs games! I'm gonna give you ten thousand. I lie!
- Danny Costanzo: [driving their car on the L tracks] Try not to scrape the third rail, OK? There's about 600 volts in there.
- Ray Hughes: It's not the voltage that gets you. It's the amps.
- Danny Costanzo: [Danny is shot by Detective Montoya] If it's bad, you go to Florida without me.
- Ray Hughes: You're all right.
- Danny Costanzo: Just promise me you'll go without me!
- Ray Hughes: OK OK! I promise, I'll go without you.
- Danny Costanzo: [shocked] You'd go without me?
- Ray Hughes: You just ASKED me to...
- Danny Costanzo: WITHOUT ME? You son of a bitch! Where's my gun? I'll kill you first!
- Ray Hughes: [long pause] Feeling better?
- Danny Costanzo: [sees the bullet didn't penetrate] Must be the vest.
- Danny Costanzo: [stopped two robbers by shooting their car] I can't believe that you missed all six shots.
- Ray Hughes: What are you talking about? I hit the wind shield six times in a row!
- Danny Costanzo: Uh, excuse me sir. All six of mine hit. I don't know where the hell you were aiming. I'm the one that made them swerve.
- Ray Hughes: Oh you made him swerve? You always aim low anyway!
- Danny Costanzo: Oh let's do height jokes Ray. That's really good.
- Ray Hughes: [Danny and Ray are driving around in Gonzales' stolen Mercedes. The car's cell phone rings, and Ray answers it] Hello? Hola! Julio!
- Danny Costanzo: Tell him I said hello.
- Ray Hughes: We've been lookin' all over for you, man! Uh, donde esta? Julio... Jul...
- [takes the phone away from his ear]
- Ray Hughes: He's very excited. Something about his car being stolen.
- Danny Costanzo: His car was stolen?
- Ray Hughes: I guess so.
- [Back into the phone]
- Ray Hughes: Jul... Julio look, you wanna file a report, amigo? Huh?
- [Click]
- Ray Hughes: You didn't tell him I said hello!
- Danny Costanzo: I tried to! He hung up on me!
- [Having just arrived to Key West, Florida, Danny and Ray see a crowd of people gathered at the docks]
- Danny Costanzo: What's going on? What happened?
- Ray Hughes: I don't know. Maybe a ship sank.
- Danny Costanzo: Somebody drown?
- Julie: We're watching the sunset.
- Ray Hughes: Yeah, right.
- Danny Costanzo: Really, what happened?
- Julie: The sun is setting, can't you see it?
- Ray Hughes: Don't give us that, the sun sets every night!
- Julie: Yeah, and we come out every night to watch it. Isn't it beautiful?
- Danny Costanzo: [to Ray] Maybe we should check this out.
- Ray Hughes: Yeah, well, it better be good.
- Anna: Are you really going to Florida?
- Danny Costanzo: What do you care? What are you, jealous?
- Anna: I'm not jealous. It just sounds boring. And you're not boring.
- Danny Costanzo: Hey, you are *marrying* boring! And you're not boring eiither!
- Danny Costanzo: He's gonna do this!
- Ray Hughes: Alright then we let him kill us, that's what he wants anyway, there's a certain dignity in that, as long as we keep on our PANTS!
- Danny Costanzo: Why weren't we on THAT track?
- Ray Hughes: Oh, now you're going to criticize my driving?
- Danny Costanzo: Well, it's just you get to do all that dangerous stuff, and get to parallel park!
- Maryann: Some women like men with scars.
- Danny Costanzo: You like scars? I've a lot of scars. Deep, emotional scars.
- Ray Hughes: Danny's working on his next ex-wife.
- Danny Costanzo: Will you marry me? Just for a few days? No strings attached.
- Maryann: How could I resist an offer like that?
- Maryann: I'm not married. Not at the moment. You're not here looking for a wife, are you?
- Ray Hughes: I already had one.
- Maryann: Already been one.
- Ray Hughes: We have a lot in common.
- Danny Costanzo: Before you finish repainting this thing, I want some improvements.
- Ace: What, a sun roof? Turbo charger? Laser weapons? What?
- Danny Costanzo: I don't know what I want.
- Ace: Let me tell you what you want. You want to come and go like the wind. Invincible, invulnerable, invisible.
- Danny Costanzo: And I want it Thursday at nine.
- Ace: It won't be invisible till five.
- Danny Costanzo: See you then!
- Ray Hughes: I feel like James Bond. You got any machine guns or ejection seats?
- Ace: Sure, you want to leave it a couple a more days?
- Juan Martinez: Hey, this is police brutality, bro!
- Danny Costanzo: No, no. This is just harassment. If this doesn't work, then we're gonna get brutal.
- Ray Hughes: This guy's beginning to get on my nerves.
- Danny Costanzo: Yeah. It's time we started gettin' on his.
- Ray Hughes: [Chasing Snake up several flights of stairs] How come these losers never live on the ground floor?
- Danny Costanzo: Look, Snake. From here, the angle of trajectory - Oh, great. Look who I'm talking to. Mr. S.A.T.'s.
- Danny Costanzo: Thanks to us, there's twelve guys with machine guns in there.
- Ray Hughes: You're right. We better both go.
- Ray Hughes: Pointing a gun at a police officer. Can we waste them for that?
- Danny Costanzo: I think so.