Detective School Dropouts (1986)
David Landsberg: Donald Wilson
Quotes
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Paul Miller : You were born to be a detective!
Donald Wilson : I was?
Paul Miller : You reek of detective!
Donald Wilson : I reek?
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Donald Wilson : [Donald enters the office] Hi!
Carlotta : Up yours!
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Paul Miller : [on the night of Donald's first class] You all hear me out there?
[Donald looks around to know he is the only one in the office]
Paul Miller : I was hoping for a bigger turnout, but I don't think we can wait much longer, so why don't we get started? Now, before we get into the nuts and bolts of being a detective, we shall have the traditional payment of tuition. The first week comes to exactly $174.25.
[Donald gets out his checkbook and starts writing one out]
Paul Miller : Make that check payable to the Department of Water and Power.
[Donald looks up confused]
Paul Miller : We do that for tax reasons. While you're doing that, Miss Wembley will serve the complementary horderves. Carefully, Miss Wembley.
[Carlotta goes over to the cabinet and takes out a paper plate with a single Ritz cracker topped with peanut butter and offers it to Donald]
Donald Wilson : No, thank you. I don't really like peanut butter.
[she takes it off the plate and forces it near his face]
Carlotta : [firmly] Eat it.
Donald Wilson : Maybe just one.
[takes it]
Donald Wilson : Thank you.
[he puts into his mouth and starts eating it]
Donald Wilson : [to Paul] You got a drink?
Paul Miller : I got half a beer or a Coke.
Donald Wilson : Coke, please.
[Carlotta hands him a can of Coke]
Donald Wilson : Thank you.
[he pulls the top of the can and starts drinking]
Carlotta : That's $4.00.
[Donald begins choking]
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Paul Miller : [after they elude Bruno, they park their car outside Rome] All right, we lost them. How much money have you got?
Donald Wilson : What?
Paul Miller : How much money have you got?
Donald Wilson : I don't believe you. A man dies in my arms in a toilet, I have no passport, we're driving a stolen car, you want to know how much money I have?
Paul Miller : Yeah!
Donald Wilson : You're amazing.
[notices in horror he lost his wallet in the chaos]
Donald Wilson : Oh my god, I lost my wallet.
Paul Miller : What? You lost all our money?
Donald Wilson : OUR money?
[starts to walk away]
Donald Wilson : I'm going to the police.
Paul Miller : You can't go to the police. You go to the police, you'll spend two years in jail before they even talk to you.
Donald Wilson : Why? I didn't do anything!
Paul Miller : Go ahead, just tell them that. Tell them that. They're still mad at us for all the gum and babies we left here after the war. Let's go back to New York.
[walks back towards the car]
Donald Wilson : Wait a minute. You're on a case. You can't leave. We're partners.
Paul Miller : Look, Donald, you're a nice guy, but people are shooting at you. Can't you see that? And they might miss you and hit me.
[slaps him on the face]
Paul Miller : So long, Donald. You want the stolen car?
Donald Wilson : No!
Paul Miller : I didn't think so.
[gets into the car and starts the engine]
Paul Miller : By the way, nobody here speaks English.